Contemplating

Kelley says............


I don't know where to start. I just SO don't know what to do. I flip-flop back and forth, back and forth between a lumpectomy and the double mastectomy. I mean, this sucks. I'm not gonna lie. This is just a small list of some of the questions and things that are going through my head. 

1. What if I get the lumpectomy and this comes back in the same breast or the other or both?
2. If I get the lumpectomy, I'll have to go through radiation.
3. What if I get the double mastectomy and I really didn't need it?
4. How would I ever know that for sure?
5. If I go with the mastectomy it is much longer recovery.
6. If I go with the mastectomy and reconstruction, there will be much more pain involved.
7. What in the heck am I going to wear over the summer in between surgery and reconstruction?
8. What am I going to wear regardless of which surgery I have?
9. Will I ever want my husband to see me naked again?
10. What if I get the lumpectomy, they find out it has spread and I have to go back for the mastectomy anyway?
11. I won't be able to wear a bathing suit this summer.
12. I wish my mom was here to tell me what to do.

Like I said, this is the short list. I truly thought that I would get the genetics test back and that would kind of be my marker for which road to take. The only thing that test result did was make me relieved that my daughters, sister and nieces chances of getting this disease just went way down. I don't feel any better about this decision than I did weeks ago. It would just be so much easier if God would just come down from heaven and sit across the table from me and tell me what to do. Why can't he just do that? I guess I wouldn't need much faith if it worked that way. 


As you can see, I need so much prayer. I can't make this decision without lots of prayer. I've radically changed my diet and think I look great and I feel super great. I sure don't feel like a sick person! I told a friend of mine tonight that if this cancer ever comes back, it sure isn't for a lack of me trying my best to NOT get it. I have changed so many things. If it was something in my environment then I am sure trying to fix that. And really, who knows if it was hereditary or not? Scientists only know of 2 gene mutations for sure that are hereditary with my type cancer. Who knows how many others there are out there. So many questions and so few answers. 


The only way to describe this is that I feel like I am playing Russian Roulette. I don't know how else to explain it. I feel like if I could just have another really big cry, I could come to a conclusion. Yet I cannot bring myself to feel any tears whatsoever right now. I'm sure this is just part of the journey. It is amazing how afraid I can be and then on the other hand feel totally fine like this is just not a big deal. I do know that "This too shall pass". And of that, I am very confident. 


By this time in three days from now, I will have made a decision. Please pray that it is the right one. For only God knows my future. And only HE knows the plans he has for me.

Jeremiah 29:11 (NIV)

"For I know the plans I have for you, declares the LORD, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future"

Super Kelley is Super Fly!

Deryl says......Well we got more good news with the results of the genetic
testing. Kelley did not test positive for Brac 1 or Brac 2 which are the
names of the genes that determine if you are predisposed to breast cancer
or not. It is really good news and means that Kelley will most likely not
require a double mastectomy. Kelley was subdued when we discussed the
results. There was a kind of mindset that with a double mastectomy it would
mean the cancer would be gone forever. With a lumpectomy it kind of feels
like the treatment is not final. The weird thing is that although neither
of us want Kelley to go through the removal of both breasts we both felt as
if it would give us more peace about the future. Which seems kind of
ridiculous as I write this. But then again what is peace of mind worth?
One thing I do know is that Kelley is more free and purposeful. She dances
in public places which she never did before. She is more openly
demonstrative of her love. And she is more determined than ever to have a
positive impact on women's lives. The way she has handled this and how she
has let it change her for the better is inspirational. Those of you who
know her know exactly what I mean. For those of you who don't know her I
can only hope you get the opportunity. Knowing her and knowing how much she
cares for each person she get the opportunity to know better can change
their lives. Any of you who know me well know that I have had a bittersweet
relationship with the church. However, Christ and his message of love have
always been a great source of hope and strength for me. I bring that up to
say that Kelley's demonstration of unconditional love to so many has
motivated me to be more conscious and aware my words and actions and
whether they are motivated from love or fear. And she has done this at an
even greater level while going through the most frightening experience we
have ever had in our marriage. And then she looks so hot I think she is too
beautiful to be sick. Maybe she is Superwoman and I don't know it or maybe
she is just superfly with her crazysexycancer.

Genetic Test Results

Kelley says.............

WOO HOO!!!! The BRCA1 and the BRCA2 genetic test came back NEGATIVE!!!! So, every single test now has came back with the results I was hoping for! Praise God and thank you immensely for all your prayers. I am feeling very weird right now. If this test had come back positive then I would have known without a shadow of a doubt which surgery to have done. But now, I have to make a very, very tough choice.

If you have not been through this personally or have not known someone personally who has gone through this you can't even begin to imagine the questions that run through my mind trying to make this kind of choice. Right now, I am leaning towards having the lumpectomy. I meet with the surgeon again on May 13th and I will be discussing with her the recurrence rates on both surgeries so I can make my final decision. She has been SO awesome and I am so glad God put this doctor in my life. She has not rushed me AT ALL to make a decision and for that I am very grateful. I have had almost a month now to have all these tests done, to pray, to have others pray and to wait on God for direction.

Of course, I could have the lumpectomy and then if they get in there and it has spread, I will end up having to have a mastectomy anyway. Oh my goodness, could this be anymore complicated?! But today, I am grateful that God is hearing our prayers. I am SUPER grateful that my daughters, my sister and my nieces will now know their chances of getting breast cancer has not increased! I would have felt awful for all of them if the genetics test would have been positive. Had it been positive, they would have had a 50-65% chance of getting it. So, thank you Lord, thank you Lord!!!!!


Please continue to pray that I will ultimately make the right choice for ME and that no one will judge my decision whatever that ends up being.

This is the scripture I am standing on. Proverbs 16:9 "We can make our plans, but the LORD determines our steps"

Susan G. Komen 3 Day

Kelley says..............

I have joined the Susan G. Komen 3 Day Walk for the Cure. Thanks Amy Black for forming a team! Our team name is the Ta-Ta Titans. I will walk for myself, in honor of my mom, and for all women!! I have set a fund raising goal of $5000.00!! I hope to WAY exceed that goal long before the walk. Please consider donating to my cause!! You can go to www.the3day.org and click on "Donate" then search for my name or by our team name. Thank you in advance for supporting me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I am so excited to report that several women have started doing self-exams because of my blog!! I only have 41 followers on my blog but I know a lot more than that are reading it. So, I would love it if you would become a follower so I know who you are!! Also, if you have started doing self-exams, went and had a mammogram or have gone to the doctor due to my blog, it would bring me so much joy to know about it!!!!

Still no news on the genetic test results. But we'll post as soon as we know anything. I have had a super good day today. Nothing really great happened but I have just felt really great emotionally, spiritually, and physically! And I know it is because of all your prayers, so thank you very much.

Finally, some good news!!

Well, Monday totally sucked for me. I had one of the most emotional days of the past three weeks. You can't begin to imagine (or maybe you can) the questions that are in my mind and the decisions that I have to make. Maybe I will blog on that some day soon. Anyway, I just couldn't take it anymore and just felt like I was completely falling apart. I just thought to myself "I don't want to do this!!", "I don't want to go through this!!". I think I cried every last tear drop I had within me to cry.

Today I went to work and wasn't near as sad as yesterday. I came home for lunch and my cell phone rang and the caller ID said "Restricted". I knew that was my doctors office. One of the tests, HER2,  that we have been waiting for that kept getting sent off for further testing and we desperately were wanting to come back negative, came back NEGATIVE!!!!! YEAH!!!! This was the one that would tell if I was for sure going to have to go through Chemotherapy. So most likely, I will not have to go through that! Wow, what a HUGE relief. One thing that I have always had is awesome hair. I was really stressing over it and SO thankful to get this test result with the results I was hoping for!

So your prayers are working!!!! Please keep praying for God's will in my life!!!!

Don't Let Cancer Steal Second Base!

Deryl says......... Overall it was a good week. I finally felt like I could focus all day at work. There were many moments spent without thinking about cancer. Which was great after last weekend. Kelley and I were both bummed out. I think getting a call from the doctor on a Saturday freaked us out. It was hard not to assume the worst. It had been less than 24 hours since she had the MRI and the doctor called and said the results were back. We were nervous as can be when we called the doctor back. I tried hard to keep a brave face on for Kelley. I am not sure if I succeeded or not. Once we found out it was good news you would think we would celebrate. But I think the realization that one moment could change our lives forever and that none of it is in our hands really bummed us out. But when you really think about it life is always that way. There is always a moment that could change your life forever.

We skipped church Sunday morning just so we wouldn't have to talk about cancer again and again. Neither one of us were in an emotional state where we could handle it that day. But Monday came around and I felt better and so did Kelley. She still had a few moments during the week but there were very few compared to before. This past Saturday I took the girls out for a little retail therapy. It is amazing how shopping can take a girls mind off of almost any problem. Kelley said it was the first time since she was diagnosed where she did not think about cancer once for almost 5 or 6 hours straight. Yes I shopped with them for almost 6 hours. And after that they dropped me off at home and went shopping some more. That is one thing cancer is not going to stop my wife from doing. I was just happy to see her smile and be normal for so long. It was worth every penny.

My biggest concern at the moment is that Kelley had a really rough day today emotionally and I have to go out of town tomorrow. I am torn. I want to stay because I want to be there for my wife. But I want to go because I just signed up our biggest client to date and I need to get them going. I have a feeling we are going to need a lot of commissions to pay for medical bills. Plus I think it comforts Kelley to know that I am making progress at my job. And I know she is concerned about what kind of impact this is going to have on our finances. I try to encourage her about it and most of the time she is fine. But it is one of those stressful thoughts that can hit her at a unexpected moment. So please keep praying for her.

I wanted to end on a positive note. I came across some t-shirts and bumper stickers that raise money and awareness for breast cancer that were quite funny. So I thought I would list a few:

• Remember kids......Cancer Sucks
• I Made Cancer My B#@ch
• Save the Ta Tas
• My Ta Tas Have Fallen and They Can't Get Up
• Save a Life Grope Your Wife
• If Lovin' Ta Tas is Wrong I Don't Want to be Right

And my personal favorite is:

DON'T LET CANCER STEAL SECOND BASE!

IMPACT

Kelley says....................

I attended a women's retreat this weekend with ladies from my church. Yesterday morning when we sat down to get the day started, I felt my heart start racing. I don't know if you have ever felt this before but I knew the feeling was familiar. I knew it was the holy spirit about to ask me to do something I probably didn't want to do. I looked around the room at all of the women there and wondered to myself how many of them don't do self-breast exams. I knew then and there I had to say something. So I asked if it was possible and if they had a few extra minutes to let me promote self-exams. I sat back in my chair and started to wonder what I would say in just a couple of minutes time. I finally just said "God, this is your doing so you are going to have to speak through me" I knew it was just going to be completely off the cuff so I just went for it. 


I started by saying "Hello, my name is Kelley and I am a huge supporter of self-breast examinations". I asked if they would raise their hand if they never or rarely do monthly self-exams. My heart broke as I sat there and looked at probably 95% of the room raise their hands. I don't know what kind of impact this had on them but it solidified for me the mission I am on. We do not know as women how important this is. I forgot to mention to them that my mammogram was perfect! Had it not been for a self-exam, I would still be living my normal life not knowing I was walking around with cancer in my body. I told them about my blog and begged them to start doing monthly self-exams. I finished by telling them that it was my hope that by the next women's retreat, I will not start with "Hello, my name is Kelley". But that I will be able to say, "Hello, my name is Kelley & I am a breast cancer SURVIVOR!!!!" When I started walking back to my seat, everyone gave me a standing ovation. It was SO surreal. The following are the feelings I felt in that moment...

• I have so many people in my life praying for me
• I am surrounded by my church family who care about me deeply
• I am as STRONG as God has been telling me I am
• I am a woman of IMPACT
• This confirms that promoting self-breast exams is my new mission in life

I used to be extremely terrified of public speaking. So afraid that I would get extremely nervous, palms sweaty, extreme dry mouth, it was horrible.  If I even thought I would have to speak before a group I would just get sick to my stomach. Last year when I wanted to start a women's group at my church, I almost didn't do it because of all these fears. But I just knew it was what God wanted me to do. I did it afraid. It was a great group. The next semester I had another group. We did a study on "Fears". I was still nervous. 


I am also a Life-Coach. I had been given the opportunity to help train other Life-Coaches which I felt SO honored to even be asked. But I turned it down, all because of my fear of public speaking. After I turned it down, I realized that this fear was totally holding me back in my life. I wondered what God could accomplish through me if I would just get over myself and go for it. I started immediately to visualize myself speaking in front of others and not being nervous. I did this every time I thought about it. I ended up going to the coach training after all and was not nervous AT ALL. The lady who had originally asked me to teach the class with her could tell something was different about me. She asked me about it and I told her it was a complete miracle. I couldn't even explain it myself. 


Now looking back on this, I realize that God had so much more in store for me. If he wouldn't have delivered me of this fear, I could have NEVER spoke in front of over 100 women and promoted self-exams. I think what I am learning is that women are so very powerful and we all have a story to tell and an IMPACT to make on not just others but on the WORLD!!

How are your fears holding YOU back? Start to see yourself as the person you want to become. You may not even believe it at first but keep seeing it in your minds eye until it becomes a reality. I am living proof that it works!!!! I am holding a space for you to become all God wants you to become in your life. I had a person truly believe in me for the last two years. And it is amazing the changes that come about for someone if you just genuinely believe in them. And guess what? I totally believe in you!!