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Sunday, June 27, 2010
Saturday, June 26, 2010
Fear and Love
Deryl says........We went "chemo class" the other day. Which was informative and scary. As I have mentioned before, the thing about cancer is that the treatment is just as scary as the disease itself. So for those of you who don't understand how chemo works I will give you a brief and unscientific explanation. In essence they give you poison that kills the cancer cells in your body. It also kills a lot of the good cells in your body. The goal of chemo is to give you enough poison to kill the cancer but not enough to kill you or cause permanent damage. So we are really looking forward to that.
They also told us that Kelley's immune system would be severely depressed. So much so that we must keep everything in the house disinfected constantly, that Kelley should not touch things that are handled by many people such as a grocery cart, and if she gets a fever of 100.5 or more she needs to go to the emergency room immediately. If she has a fever of any kind we must call the doctor immediately as well. Good times.
To complete the trifecta of fun Kelley was informed that she would lose all of her hair somewhere between day 2 and day 20. We were already aware that she was going to lose her hair but hearing it so "matter of factually" from that nurse suddenly kind of struck the nail all the way in, so to speak. I don't care if Kelley is bald forever. I am not in love with her hair. But I do know that it is going to affect her emotionally. How could it not? I thought about what it would be like to lose all of my hair and the thought of it made me very uncomfortable. And I am a guy! We lose our hair all the time with no medical assistance whatsoever. But when a woman loses her hair it is like losing a part of her femininity. I think even more so than her breasts. And even though it will come back it is traumatic. This is what Kelley feared the most when we received this diagnosis. It pains me to see her in anguish over this and the many other concerns she has about this situation. But I have also witnessed her grow and let go of things that she never would have been able to let go of in the past. Just in the last few days her faith has grown. She has really embraced this "believing before seeing" concept she wrote about earlier.
So my biggest fear in all this is Kelley getting some type of infection while undergoing chemo and her emotional reaction to losing her hair. So I could use your prayers in that area. I am not much of a worrier so if I am worrying it is usually very serious.
During this time I have spent a lot of time contemplating love and specifically God's love. You could sit around and say why me in a situation like this or you can just trust in the love of God. Jesus said you can sum up the entire bible in the following statement - love God, love your neighbor, love yourself. Seems pretty simple in theory but in practice we make it difficult. I mean how do you love God? How do you demonstrate it? Well, I can try to communicate with Him through prayer, meditation, and contemplation. How is there love without communication right? Jesus said "if you love me you will obey my commands". But I don't see that as following all the commands of the bible. Many people try to do that without any real love in their heart. They do it out of fear. I think Jesus was really talking about when you hear him within. When he is trying to guide you through life. That little voice or tug in a certain direction that you can listen to or ignore it like I did with the vegetarian thing.
Another thing that came to me while I was contemplating this was that we could love God by simply choosing to see things different than we do now. My pastor was telling the story of Adam and Eve last Sunday. He said something that really stuck with me. What he said was that when God placed Adam and Eve in the Garden of Eden he said they could have everything in the Garden except this one thing. They could eat the fruit of every tree except one. It doesn't say how many trees they could choose to eat from but I imagine it was hundreds or even thousands. But someone pointed out this one thing that they could not have and all of a sudden that was all they could see. In that moment they could no longer see everything that was available to them. All of the abundance and good things God had given them was lost in their eyes. They saw the one thing they didn't have and said that thing will make my life better if only I could have it. Well you probably know the rest of the story. But what really stood out to me from that story was how that seems to be the source of the problem of most people. We get focused on how life will be so much better when we get this or that. My life will be better if I had more money, better health, a wife, a husband, a baby, etc. And we totally lose site of everything we have available to us now. Our family, our friends, our job, our life, our breath. If you are able to read this blog right now you can be grateful for a computer, internet access, your sight, not having cancer. There is so much to be thankful for in this moment right now.
If we can begin to see that God has provided every good thing in our life it will increase the love in our hearts. When we receive the money we need and instead of just seeing the money see the one who gave it to us and be thankful. Then our hearts will be full. We will begin to see more of the blessings in our lives. And the things that we lack and think we need will become less important.
Yes my wife has cancer. And yes I would prefer that she didn't. But I have my wife right now. And I don't know if that will always be the case. I am grateful to have found someone that I love so much and that loves me just as much. I have someone that treats me with love and respect and loves me in spite of my many flaws. And I have her right now. I could lose her tomorrow or 50 years from now but fretting about it today only diminishes the gratitude and love I could be feeling and sharing. We don't worry and love at the same time. We cannot feel fear and gratitude in the same moment. So at this moment I am choosing to see the good and thank God for it. That is one way I can love God. I hope this doesn't come across as preachy as I am writing this to myself more than anything else. But if it helps anyone else then that is a bonus.
I don't know if I would be spending all of this time thinking about God and His love if I was not in this situation. But it is changing me for the better.
They also told us that Kelley's immune system would be severely depressed. So much so that we must keep everything in the house disinfected constantly, that Kelley should not touch things that are handled by many people such as a grocery cart, and if she gets a fever of 100.5 or more she needs to go to the emergency room immediately. If she has a fever of any kind we must call the doctor immediately as well. Good times.
To complete the trifecta of fun Kelley was informed that she would lose all of her hair somewhere between day 2 and day 20. We were already aware that she was going to lose her hair but hearing it so "matter of factually" from that nurse suddenly kind of struck the nail all the way in, so to speak. I don't care if Kelley is bald forever. I am not in love with her hair. But I do know that it is going to affect her emotionally. How could it not? I thought about what it would be like to lose all of my hair and the thought of it made me very uncomfortable. And I am a guy! We lose our hair all the time with no medical assistance whatsoever. But when a woman loses her hair it is like losing a part of her femininity. I think even more so than her breasts. And even though it will come back it is traumatic. This is what Kelley feared the most when we received this diagnosis. It pains me to see her in anguish over this and the many other concerns she has about this situation. But I have also witnessed her grow and let go of things that she never would have been able to let go of in the past. Just in the last few days her faith has grown. She has really embraced this "believing before seeing" concept she wrote about earlier.
So my biggest fear in all this is Kelley getting some type of infection while undergoing chemo and her emotional reaction to losing her hair. So I could use your prayers in that area. I am not much of a worrier so if I am worrying it is usually very serious.
During this time I have spent a lot of time contemplating love and specifically God's love. You could sit around and say why me in a situation like this or you can just trust in the love of God. Jesus said you can sum up the entire bible in the following statement - love God, love your neighbor, love yourself. Seems pretty simple in theory but in practice we make it difficult. I mean how do you love God? How do you demonstrate it? Well, I can try to communicate with Him through prayer, meditation, and contemplation. How is there love without communication right? Jesus said "if you love me you will obey my commands". But I don't see that as following all the commands of the bible. Many people try to do that without any real love in their heart. They do it out of fear. I think Jesus was really talking about when you hear him within. When he is trying to guide you through life. That little voice or tug in a certain direction that you can listen to or ignore it like I did with the vegetarian thing.
Another thing that came to me while I was contemplating this was that we could love God by simply choosing to see things different than we do now. My pastor was telling the story of Adam and Eve last Sunday. He said something that really stuck with me. What he said was that when God placed Adam and Eve in the Garden of Eden he said they could have everything in the Garden except this one thing. They could eat the fruit of every tree except one. It doesn't say how many trees they could choose to eat from but I imagine it was hundreds or even thousands. But someone pointed out this one thing that they could not have and all of a sudden that was all they could see. In that moment they could no longer see everything that was available to them. All of the abundance and good things God had given them was lost in their eyes. They saw the one thing they didn't have and said that thing will make my life better if only I could have it. Well you probably know the rest of the story. But what really stood out to me from that story was how that seems to be the source of the problem of most people. We get focused on how life will be so much better when we get this or that. My life will be better if I had more money, better health, a wife, a husband, a baby, etc. And we totally lose site of everything we have available to us now. Our family, our friends, our job, our life, our breath. If you are able to read this blog right now you can be grateful for a computer, internet access, your sight, not having cancer. There is so much to be thankful for in this moment right now.
If we can begin to see that God has provided every good thing in our life it will increase the love in our hearts. When we receive the money we need and instead of just seeing the money see the one who gave it to us and be thankful. Then our hearts will be full. We will begin to see more of the blessings in our lives. And the things that we lack and think we need will become less important.
Yes my wife has cancer. And yes I would prefer that she didn't. But I have my wife right now. And I don't know if that will always be the case. I am grateful to have found someone that I love so much and that loves me just as much. I have someone that treats me with love and respect and loves me in spite of my many flaws. And I have her right now. I could lose her tomorrow or 50 years from now but fretting about it today only diminishes the gratitude and love I could be feeling and sharing. We don't worry and love at the same time. We cannot feel fear and gratitude in the same moment. So at this moment I am choosing to see the good and thank God for it. That is one way I can love God. I hope this doesn't come across as preachy as I am writing this to myself more than anything else. But if it helps anyone else then that is a bonus.
I don't know if I would be spending all of this time thinking about God and His love if I was not in this situation. But it is changing me for the better.
Friday, June 25, 2010
Believing is seeing
Kelley says..............
Anyone who knows Deryl knows that he reads more books than I could read in my entire life! He listened to one recently and put it on my MP3 player. He has been asking me every single day if I have started listening to it yet. So yesterday, when I had to drive out to Ft. Worth I decided that would be the perfect time to listen to it. God's timing is just perfect I guess. The name of the book is "It's not about the money".
As the bills start pouring in from all the different doctors I see and hospital and all these other places, I find myself getting very overwhelmed. Now having to drive out to Ft. Worth every week for 12 weeks on top of my other doctor appointments in Ft. Worth that I already have. Whew! So anyway, I have always been the kind of person that says "I have to see it to believe it". I am a complete realist through and through. But I listened to 2 hours of that book yesterday. He talked about how we have to believe it to see it. He also talked about the "Prison of Perception". He stated that if we always focus on what we don't have, we will keep getting what we don't want.
Boy, this spoke volumes to me!! So yesterday after what I heard, I just started catching myself anytime I was worried and just expected that we will have what we need when we need it. Do you know that we left Ft. Worth at 5:30 and there was hardly any traffic at all! Usually, just knowing that we would be leaving at rush hour, I would have thoughts about how awful the traffic was going to be. But yesterday, I didn't have that thought at all and there was no traffic. I don't think this was a coincidence. So anyway, when I was paying bills this afternoon my stomach was just in knots and I was literally making myself sick. I caught myself and just imagined things working out and God providing for us. After this, I came to my computer and a friend of mine had e-mailed me with a fund-raiser idea. I instantly knew that I have to start believing BEFORE I see!!
Here is a quote my pastor has me memorizing right now. And he gave it to me a week ago! "Faith is choosing to live as though God's word is true regardless of circumstances, emotions, or cultural trends"
Anyone who knows Deryl knows that he reads more books than I could read in my entire life! He listened to one recently and put it on my MP3 player. He has been asking me every single day if I have started listening to it yet. So yesterday, when I had to drive out to Ft. Worth I decided that would be the perfect time to listen to it. God's timing is just perfect I guess. The name of the book is "It's not about the money".
As the bills start pouring in from all the different doctors I see and hospital and all these other places, I find myself getting very overwhelmed. Now having to drive out to Ft. Worth every week for 12 weeks on top of my other doctor appointments in Ft. Worth that I already have. Whew! So anyway, I have always been the kind of person that says "I have to see it to believe it". I am a complete realist through and through. But I listened to 2 hours of that book yesterday. He talked about how we have to believe it to see it. He also talked about the "Prison of Perception". He stated that if we always focus on what we don't have, we will keep getting what we don't want.
Boy, this spoke volumes to me!! So yesterday after what I heard, I just started catching myself anytime I was worried and just expected that we will have what we need when we need it. Do you know that we left Ft. Worth at 5:30 and there was hardly any traffic at all! Usually, just knowing that we would be leaving at rush hour, I would have thoughts about how awful the traffic was going to be. But yesterday, I didn't have that thought at all and there was no traffic. I don't think this was a coincidence. So anyway, when I was paying bills this afternoon my stomach was just in knots and I was literally making myself sick. I caught myself and just imagined things working out and God providing for us. After this, I came to my computer and a friend of mine had e-mailed me with a fund-raiser idea. I instantly knew that I have to start believing BEFORE I see!!
Here is a quote my pastor has me memorizing right now. And he gave it to me a week ago! "Faith is choosing to live as though God's word is true regardless of circumstances, emotions, or cultural trends"
Thursday, June 24, 2010
The Issue
Kelley says...........
Last night, I was having a conversation with Deryl and we were just talking about life, chemo, and what our future holds. I told him that I believe that we are ALL on a spiritual journey. It doesn't matter if you are a Christian or not. This is just my opinion but I think that "opportunities" arise throughout our lives to deepen this spiritual journey. If we don't get it the first time, other opportunities will come around for God to try to show us whatever it is he is trying to show us to grow us. But, with every single opportunity we have our own free will to learn from it or let it pass us by.
I think God can use any situation to grow us spiritually. It might be just a small incident that you can learn from but it might take a death or other complete tragedy for someone else to learn the same thing. Throughout this experience in my life I have discovered that sometimes our tragedies reveal our purpose. I am a firm believer in dealing with our own issues. It is so good to get away by yourself at least a few times in your life time to really be all alone just you and your "stuff". This is really scary to a lot of people. I have done this two times. It was no fun and it was terrifying. But you know what? I dealt with some major things and the best thing to come from it is that I realized how strong I am. That I don't need to run to Deryl or friends or a pastor to help me every time but that I can run to my God and he is faithful to see me through.
It is good to be able to have support to go to. I think this is also very important. But sometimes I see others make "people" their God. It is vital that we deal with our issues. If we don't, time will go by and we will seem better but they will still be there lurking around. If we don't deal with the issue, we'll always be dealing with the issue. I don't know if this is making any sense to you or not but I just really feel like the main reason I have been able to deal with having cancer and all that I am going through is because I have dealt with so much of my past. And I want everyone to be able to experience freedom from their past.
If you ever decide to get away and do some work on yourself, let me know and I will help guide you through it!!
Last night, I was having a conversation with Deryl and we were just talking about life, chemo, and what our future holds. I told him that I believe that we are ALL on a spiritual journey. It doesn't matter if you are a Christian or not. This is just my opinion but I think that "opportunities" arise throughout our lives to deepen this spiritual journey. If we don't get it the first time, other opportunities will come around for God to try to show us whatever it is he is trying to show us to grow us. But, with every single opportunity we have our own free will to learn from it or let it pass us by.
I think God can use any situation to grow us spiritually. It might be just a small incident that you can learn from but it might take a death or other complete tragedy for someone else to learn the same thing. Throughout this experience in my life I have discovered that sometimes our tragedies reveal our purpose. I am a firm believer in dealing with our own issues. It is so good to get away by yourself at least a few times in your life time to really be all alone just you and your "stuff". This is really scary to a lot of people. I have done this two times. It was no fun and it was terrifying. But you know what? I dealt with some major things and the best thing to come from it is that I realized how strong I am. That I don't need to run to Deryl or friends or a pastor to help me every time but that I can run to my God and he is faithful to see me through.
It is good to be able to have support to go to. I think this is also very important. But sometimes I see others make "people" their God. It is vital that we deal with our issues. If we don't, time will go by and we will seem better but they will still be there lurking around. If we don't deal with the issue, we'll always be dealing with the issue. I don't know if this is making any sense to you or not but I just really feel like the main reason I have been able to deal with having cancer and all that I am going through is because I have dealt with so much of my past. And I want everyone to be able to experience freedom from their past.
If you ever decide to get away and do some work on yourself, let me know and I will help guide you through it!!
Monday, June 21, 2010
I'm with Einstein
Deryl says.........I have had a very solemn day today. I am normally very happy-go-lucky and sail through life with my head in the clouds. But today I have been pondering deeply the things of life. The thing is that at different times of my life it has felt very difficult. But in most cases it was my own direct actions that caused my difficult circumstances. But now I feel as if I am in difficult circumstances that are not of my own doing. But then I wonder did I do anything to contribute to this? I mean I know I did not give Kelley cancer. But did I make lifestyle choices that contributed to it? I mean Kelley wanted me to become a vegetarian many years ago and I told her I would never in my life give up steak. But I felt a tug within to do it. I knew it would make me healthier and Kelley healthier. But I wanted what I wanted. So now all these years later I am happily a vegetarian. I want to make it easier for Kelley and the girls to eat healthy. I never want to see anyone with cancer again. I read a study that showed that the US has the highest rate of breast cancer in the world and we also eat the highest percentage of animal fat and processed foods in our diets of any country in the world. And the study showed a correlation between diet and breast cancer. Japan had the lowest rate of breast cancer and also had the lowest percentage of animal fat and processed foods in their diet. So it appears that my choices have influenced to some degree what we are experiencing now. I am not blaming myself for this. I know Kelley is her own person and could have chosen differently. I also don't know if we had become vegetarians back then that she wouldn't still have cancer now. But what I do know is that there was a part of me that nudged me in that direction and I ignored it. I am not casting blame on myself or anyone else. I am simply stating that I have been pondering how something so seemingly insignificant could possibly have significant outcomes. That when that little voice inside nudges you to do something you know is good for you or your loved ones but you ignore it what are the consequences.
I call that little voice God. And I am paying a lot more attention to that voice than I did before. It is funny how impossible it seemed to give up meat before and how incredibly easy it is now. What changed? My thoughts are the only thing different. I still desired to eat meat when I first started and I still crave it sometimes. But the longer I don't eat it the less I think about eating it.
Life is precious and wonderful even in the hard times because it is a miracle. Einstein once said "in life you either see everything as a miracle or nothing as a miracle". I hope you see it as a miracle. There is no timetable for any of us. Kelley had a son that died at 3 months old and a mother who died at 53. I have a grandmother that is still alive and kicking at 92. Who decides these things? Is it God that takes a son and a mother early and let's someone else live past 100? I mean Kelley's son sure didn't make a choice that took his own life. The point is you can drive your self crazy trying to figure it out or you can take the advice of St. Paul who said "whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is of good report think on these things". Now is always the only moment you have to work with even when planning for the future you are doing it now. So take full advantage of the current moment. Life is always shorter than we expect. Do whatever you are doing with your whole heart and mind. Love life and life will love you back. It is a lesson that comes alive when the reality of death has been placed before you.
I call that little voice God. And I am paying a lot more attention to that voice than I did before. It is funny how impossible it seemed to give up meat before and how incredibly easy it is now. What changed? My thoughts are the only thing different. I still desired to eat meat when I first started and I still crave it sometimes. But the longer I don't eat it the less I think about eating it.
Life is precious and wonderful even in the hard times because it is a miracle. Einstein once said "in life you either see everything as a miracle or nothing as a miracle". I hope you see it as a miracle. There is no timetable for any of us. Kelley had a son that died at 3 months old and a mother who died at 53. I have a grandmother that is still alive and kicking at 92. Who decides these things? Is it God that takes a son and a mother early and let's someone else live past 100? I mean Kelley's son sure didn't make a choice that took his own life. The point is you can drive your self crazy trying to figure it out or you can take the advice of St. Paul who said "whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is of good report think on these things". Now is always the only moment you have to work with even when planning for the future you are doing it now. So take full advantage of the current moment. Life is always shorter than we expect. Do whatever you are doing with your whole heart and mind. Love life and life will love you back. It is a lesson that comes alive when the reality of death has been placed before you.
Sunday, June 20, 2010
How can I pray for you?
Kelley says..............
This morning when I was doing my Oswald Chamber's devotional, the scripture was Job 42:10. It says, "The Lord restored Job's losses when he prayed for his friends". It goes on to say "Whatever circumstances God may place you in, always pray immediately that His atonement may be recognized and as fully understood in the lives of others as it has been in yours".
As I sat and pondered that, I thought about how many people are praying for me. There are times I can literally just feel that prayers are being lifted up for me. I am so very grateful that I can put a prayer request at the end of a post and there are so many that are so faithful to pray. Countless times I have asked you to pray and I have had those prayers immediately answered.
I want you to know that I would consider it an honor if you would let me know how I can pray for YOU. I mean this with all my heart. You can leave a comment or send me an e-mail or message me on Facebook. I do appreciate your prayers but I care deeply for you and really do want to give something back to all of you. So please don't hesitate to let me know so I can start praying for all of you too. The only thing I ask is that you share with me when God answers!! So we can rejoice together!!
This morning when I was doing my Oswald Chamber's devotional, the scripture was Job 42:10. It says, "The Lord restored Job's losses when he prayed for his friends". It goes on to say "Whatever circumstances God may place you in, always pray immediately that His atonement may be recognized and as fully understood in the lives of others as it has been in yours".
As I sat and pondered that, I thought about how many people are praying for me. There are times I can literally just feel that prayers are being lifted up for me. I am so very grateful that I can put a prayer request at the end of a post and there are so many that are so faithful to pray. Countless times I have asked you to pray and I have had those prayers immediately answered.
I want you to know that I would consider it an honor if you would let me know how I can pray for YOU. I mean this with all my heart. You can leave a comment or send me an e-mail or message me on Facebook. I do appreciate your prayers but I care deeply for you and really do want to give something back to all of you. So please don't hesitate to let me know so I can start praying for all of you too. The only thing I ask is that you share with me when God answers!! So we can rejoice together!!
Saturday, June 19, 2010
So far, so good
Well, I haven't had a breakdown yet. I wondered how today would go for me emotionally. I went back to work on Tuesday and that was really, really good. This week has been my best week yet. I have felt good emotionally for the most part and really good physically.
If you have been keeping up with me on my blog then you know I have become a health nut. I haven't had any meat in a while and no sugar at all. Mainly just fruits and vegetables and fresh vegetable & fruit juice. One thing I have craved is steak. Since I have done so darn good with my eating and I am probably not going to feel so hot July - Sept I decided to let myself have a treat today.
I went this morning and the greatest hairdresser in the world (Love you Trish!) cut my hair for me in preparation for Chemo. After that, we went to lunch with Deryl's mom. She treated us to lunch and I had a great steak!! Yum.....steak never tasted so good. Now we are home and are going to go to Cold Stone Creamery in a little bit for one last treat. Although I think I am going to allow myself to have whatever tastes good while I am in treatment.
My prayer requests are that I will have little to no side effects with the Chemo and that it will do its job. Several of the side effects are things I already deal with so I want you to believe with me that God will supernaturally protect me from all of the awful things that "could" happen.
Love,
Kelley
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