Lessons Learned

Deryl says.......It has been a full week since I last blogged. It is disappointing because I would like to blog at least twice a week. But life can get in the way of what you want to do. Which is a great lesson I have learned this week. That life isn't just going to give you everything you want without you giving something back. You can wish for something to be so but for it to actually come into being you have to have an intention backed with a plan.
My daughter Heather was a great example of that this past week. She went to church camp, which is out of the ordinary for her. She typically doesn't like crowds and she doesn't like to be away from her mother right now. But she went and it was life changing for her. She came back with so much energy and passion. She intended to have a good time and to learn and she did exactly that. She came back a different person than she was.
Heather has been quite shy for awhile now but she wasn't always that way. When she was little she was a lot like her mother in that she felt her emotions deeply. If she was happy she was the happiest girl in the world. But if she was angry she was so over the top angry that it was difficult to deal with. She had these major temper tantrums that we tried to get her to stop having. So much so that I think at some point we made her feel as if she could not be herself or that her true self was bad. I am not saying we were bad parents. We were doing the best we could at the time and we wanted to do what was best but in retrospect I think we squelched the passion right out of her. Heather agrees with me because we have talked about it. She remembers being confident and able to talk to anyone and wishes she was more like that today. Well, she is closer to that now than before camp.
I think we all need to be a more like little children in some ways. Jesus said we must become like little children to enter the kingdom of God. Little children are authentic with their emotions. They have absolute faith in their beliefs even if they don't know why. They tell you what they want and don't leave you guessing. They believe anything is possible. Then as they grow up  parents, teachers, pastors, etc. teach them they need to be more realistic about life. That they cannot possibly do everything that they want.
I remember once someone asking a little girl what she wanted to be when she grew up. The little girl said she wanted to be a veterinarian and the president. As grown ups we think it is really cute and tell her she can be whatever she wants. But the older she gets we may begin to tell her she should focus on one thing because it is unrealistic that she would be able to do both. Then we night encourage her to be a veterinarian because that is a more realistic goal. I mean there has never been a woman president before. But what if someone had said something similar to Barack Obama. Regardless of your political viewpoint the fact that he was elected is a major milestone in American history because he is the first African-American president ever elected. Now that he has done it people we believe it can be done again. But I say why couldn't this little girl become a veterinarian and the president. Who are we to say she couldn't. Just because it has never been done before means nothing.
When we were little children we were completely free and innocent. As adults we should strive to be completely free with wisdom. That is what I want to help Heather and Rachel get back to. I know I took part in taking away their freedom to be themselves and I want to be a part of them getting that freedom back.
Almost all of what you have read in this blog both the good and the bad have been a result of a cancer diagnosis. I don't think Heather would have had the same experience at camp without her mothers cancer diagnosis. I don't think I would have the same vision to see what is really going on without my wife's cancer diagnosis. And I am looking forward to seeing the good that Rachel experiences as well.
Kelley's courage has inspired so many people. She didn't take the easy road. But the biggest inspiration has been for those of us who know her best and see her everyday.
I don't know if I have made any significant point in this post. I just see that everyone in our family has a larger perspective than before. A better perspective than before. Life is good and a gift from God. We have all let others steal our freedom to be our true selves and pursue our true desires on some level or in some area of our life. But once we are adults we have the power to change that. That is the path that we are on as a family. Discovering our true selves and our true passions and putting them into action. Our desire is to have a positive impact on the lives of others. This blog is one of the ways we hope to do this. It didn't start that way. Originally we just wanted to be able to update family and friends about Kelley's treatment but somehow it became something different and much, much better. We feel honored to be used in a way that is a blessing to others and hope that we can continue to be so as long as we possibly can.

Random Things I Think I Think

Deryl says.........Kelley and I went to the North Texas Gilda's club last night. Gilda's Club is a community for cancer patients, their families, and survivors. It is named in honor of Gilda Radner of Saturday Night Live fame. We were invited by our friend Michael. Michael is the gentleman I mentioned in an earlier post that we met at Sing For the Cure and was wearing a pink suit, well really pink everything from head to toe. Michael is a breast cancer survivor himself and has stayed in contact with us ever since we met him. He has been a great source of encouragement and Kelley and I are both so glad he invited us last night. It was a meeting called Sisters but a few men were allowed. Cancer patients, caretakers, and survivors all took turns sharing there stories. It was emotional and inspiring and everyone was so positive and hopeful. Some were scared as well. We met a young lady who is having a mastectomy next week. She is only 28 years old. Michael told us about a girl who is 15 and was recently diagnosed with breast cancer.
Kelley and I both shared some of our story with the group. We talked with many people after the meeting was over. When you listen to the stories you realize how precious life is and how radically it can change in a moment. Maybe that is why Jesus said "take no thought for tomorrow" to encourage us to focus on today and let tomorrow take care of itself.
I have learned so much about myself, my wife, my daughters, and others during this time. I thought it would be fun to list them here. So here are some thoughts I have about life:

• I love my wife more than I thought I ever could
• That God is the greatest comforter if you choose to let him
• That everyone is much stronger than they give themselves credit for
• That a cancer diagnosis only magnifies the type of relationship you have with your spouse whether good or bad
• That cancer does not care about your race, sex, social status, religious beliefs or anything else
• That we have higher rates of cancer today than in the past because overall we eat poor nutritionally, we don't exercise enough, we don't manage our stress well, and we take too much medication
• I don't think all of those things are the cause of cancer but I do thing they all contribute to it
• Heather and Rachel are more responsible and thoughtful than I realized
• That seemingly bad things happen to really nice people for no apparent reason
• That everything we think is bad is not always bad it just feels bad for awhile
• That you can discover your life's purpose in your darkest moments
• That you can still have fun and laugh even during a crisis
• That things can always get worse.....or better
• That you can turn scary moments into fun moments
• That the fear of most things are worse than the actual things themselves
• That I have yet to find a creature stronger than a single mother raising young children while fighting cancer
• That what is right for you is not necessarily for me and vice versa
• That judging people is pointless and if you knew the person's story you would probably feel compassion for them and feel guilty for judging them
• That people can say really silly things when they don't know what to say
• That most people are good and want to help
• That most women's biggest fear after a cancer diagnosis is losing their hair
• That I appreciate my family and friends more now than before
• That I wish I would have appreciated them more before
• That life is really good and worth the trouble it sometimes gives you
• That it is more gratifying to help someone than to be helped
• That doctors should be appreciated for their dedication and discipline to become good at what they do
• That doctors are humans and they cannot tell the future
• That we are all connected whether we know it or not
• That the greatest healer of all things is true divine love

You know people tell us all the time how we are handling this so well and how we are an inspiration. And we appreciate that people feel inspired by our story. I think the difference between us and many others going though this is that we are openly sharing our experience. But that is what works for us. There are many others that are equally strong and inspiring. They just do it quietly and share their experience with a select few. Neither one is better than the other. They are just different ways of handling life's opportunities. Everyone has the same spirit and strength within them. They only need to be awakened to it. Some one asked Kelley today if she would give this cancer and its treatment back if she were able and she said no for the same reason I would say no. We are both better people than we were before. We both have more compassionate and open hearts to others. We love more than we did before. You can only measure how well you understand a subject with a test. This is just our test to measure how much we understand what is really important in life. We have not scored an A+ but I feel that we are doing better than average. God is good and He loves us so immensely that we would be shocked and overwhelmed if we would take the time to quiet our minds and just allow ourselves to experience it. So many times we blame God for our bad choices or the bad choices of others. We get upset thinking He should have protected us or our loved one. The thing is, if I look back on my life honestly there were many times I felt a tug in my heart that I ignored. God was communicating to me but I didn't listen. I wonder how many times we all do that. You are all loved with such a great love. Kelley and I talk often about how fortunate we are to know so many of you. You are an encouragement to us and we hope that we can be as much of a blessing to you as you are to us.

The Parent Trap

Deryl says............................................. Today my concern is for my daughters. Heather has been so stoic. Whenever we ask her if she wants to talk about things she says she is fine. But I think it is getting harder for her to contain her emotions. Rachel has been open about her fear from the very beginning. When she heard her mother went to the doctor today with a fever she asked if mom was ok in a semi-panicked voice. Both of the girls are lashing out at one another from time to time. I am at a loss as to how I can help them. I try to engage them about what is going on but they don't want to talk about it too much. Tonight I just tried to speak calmly and tell them I love them. I had to get stern a couple of times. I just wish I knew what to do to help them.
With Kelley it is easy. I know what she needs and I do it. With Heather and Rachel it is not so black and white because they are not even sure what they need. I just hope I succeed at making them feel loved. I am trying to balance keeping the peace in the house and letting them vent. I get concerned that it will stress Kelley out too much if I let them argue too much. If you have any advice I would gladly receive it.

April 15th - Part 1

Kelley says.............. Events that occurred the night before and the morning of April 15th

Slept from 10:30 – 3:30 and could not go back to sleep. I was very anxious about the upcoming appointment. I couldn’t stop crying. I had such a roller-coaster of emotions I was trying to work through. When I dropped Rachel off at school I could just see the weight of all this on her shoulders and the fear in her eyes. Heather told me she would be thinking about me all day so I knew it was on her mind as well. This just totally broke my heart.

I decided I would surprise Rachel and bring her lunch. When she saw me she ran up and gave me a big hug and her eyes lit up so bright. We ate lunch and she seemed back to her positive mindset. When we finished, she took her fortune cookie and read it but it didn’t make much sense. I opened mine and it said “He who has hope has everything”. Hmmmm, God was speaking to me through a fortune cookie for the second time in two weeks! At least he has a sense of humor, right? I opened up my day planner and stuck the fortune on that day. When I need a little hope, I'll put it out and look at it.