Thursday, February 28, 2013

The Greatest Marriage That Never Was

It's funny how much I used to absolutely love this picture. Now when I look at it, it makes me realize how pictures don't usually tell the real story. When this picture was taken, I had just finished my last chemo treatment a couple of weeks before. Two months after this picture was taken, I discovered that my husbands distant, was about to turn my whole world upside down.

I was SO happy in this photo. I loved him so very much. We had the best marriage of absolutely anyone we knew. We always said that because it was always true. We never fought. Our kids had never even witnessed us ever have an argument. We talked about everything. We talked so much the kids would literally have to say "Can we talk to you now?" We did everything together. So many couples came to us for advice. Many people over the course of our 18 year marriage would say "If they ever get a divorce, we'll never make it." Perfect. Life was just perfect.

While I had cancer, he was the greatest caretaker. We loved each other more and more which we never thought was possible because we loved one another so much. But little did I know, that "good guy image" was only an image portrayed as the greatest guy around. When the chemo fog started to get a little clearer I started noticing something was totally not right in our marriage. I couldn't put my finger on it but I knew it was really, really bad. I started playing private investigator and it didn't take long to uncover that my greatest friend in the world, my soul mate, my caretaker, was not just taking care of me. The rest of that story can be found at

We have spent the last two years "working" on our marriage. We've gone to so many counseling sessions that I lost count. Throughout this time I wanted SO desperately to believe my marriage was NOT going to be destroyed by pornography. No way, it just couldn't!! I so believed and still do believe that I was going to speak to women who have gone through this. I thought we would show the world how we got through it. And if we could get through cancer and this devastation, what an awesome testimony we would be for so many countless other couples!

Unfortunately, two months after I uncovered what was going on,  and after we had moved from Texas to Georgia, I went on to discover that it was still going on but to a much greater level than before. Things were happening that I didn't even know existed! All trust was completely gone. Things "seemed" better for a little bit and then it would get worse. We just went on with this awful cycle and I found out it was yet STILL a problem. Needless to say, porn and all that goes with it totally destroyed my marriage and my family. Porn isn't just looking anymore. It takes you to terrible, terrible, terrible places and it is never, ever, ever enough. You literally become a different person. Porn is a spirit of lust. And at its worst can actually be seen on a person. It is so all over them that you know this person is just not the person you know. And it is evident to many others, not just the spouse and children.

I'm sad that this happened but God is showing me that I am still going to touch the lives of many. Even though my marriage didn't survive....I did! My kids did!! So that means I have hope to offer to others.

If you are reading this and you or your spouse has a problem with porn, I beg you to get help. It is not just something that you do that doesn't impact anyone else. It is sin and sin will destroy you. What seems so innocent will take you down roads that you never knew were there. Before long, the person you know and love is so greatly buried deep within a stranger. Don't just be another statistic.

There is so much more to this story and I actually almost did not make it through all of this. Throughout the past two years I fell in a deep dark depression. I too became a person that was unrecognizable to my family and closest friends. But God had other plans for me.

To be continued................

Sunday, February 24, 2013


I have so many words to say in my blog. My heart is in a million pieces but I know God is going to see me through this time until I can get it out. Blogging is so therapeutic for me. Holding it in is destroying me but getting it out at this time will destroy others. So for now, this song is what I am hanging onto.

Please pray for favor and God's provision for us during this difficult time. As well as God to provide me with the perfect job making exactly what I need and that I will love the job and the people.