Hurting people, hurt people

I've always known this saying...."Hurting people, hurt people." But there is no greater lesson than experiencing it for yourself. I don't think it is any secret to anyone that I have pretty much completely abandoned church and many of those who call themselves "Christians." Yes, I know some of you reading this right now are already constructing an email in your head to me telling me how Christians aren't perfect, just forgiven. And I've heard it all before that at church, there are "No perfect people allowed." I've heard all of the little sayings such as "They're only human."

If you are a follower/reader of my blog, you know my story. You know what I have been through and you know what I have endured right along with my children. I have not been blogging much lately, let me finally explain why. When my divorce was final, I lost my health insurance and for me to get Obamacare, it was going to cost me $600.00 per month. I have spent about $200.00 this entire year on doctor visits and medicine. Anyway, since I lost my insurance, there was no way I could stay on the medication I was taking after my attempted suicide. I had been diagnosed with severe situational depression and PTSD. It is my belief that chemotherapy caused this depression and as I have said repeatedly in this blog, I have never been the same after taking chemotherapy. I have had doctors and psychiatrists completely agree with me and tell me it is their belief that chemo causes this as well.

I was doing really good off all the meds. I was actually very happy and proud of myself. It is nearing two years since my husband walked out on us. I started feeling like it was finally time to start dealing with it all emotionally. Just as I started to work on it, I fell into a very deep, dark, scary place. Worse than the place I was at when I attempted to take my own life. Only those VERY close to me, which are very few, knew what was going on. I spent every minute of every day not wanting to live life and being very angry with God that he allowed me to live. Enduring 60 seconds of life was excruciating for me. If you have never struggled with this, you will not under any circumstances understand it.

Since he left, I have cried just a little, a handful of times, over the entire situation. At this time, I didn't realize I had sunk right back into severe depression again. I spent 5 entire days straight unable to stop crying and couldn't even keep it together in public.

When I was like this before, I did not tell a single soul and I never, ever cried. No one, and I mean NO ONE, knew how bad I was. No one knew I thought of death as my friend, the only thing that could possibly bring me relief.

I have always been very skeptical of anyone who tells people they want to kill themselves because I have always thought it was for attention. I now know first hand that that might not always be the case. This time, I knew I needed to reach out to someone. THANK GOD, I have one very faithful and true friend left. I haven't known her too long, only a few years if that. But I knew I had two options on this particular day. I could end my life or I could make a phone call. That day was the beginning of my downward spiral that led up to all the crying.

As I got worse, I had some very disturbing things happen to me by someone who has never been dearer to my heart than any other soul. I have been accused, slandered, belittled, humiliated, gossiped about, lied about, and there isn't enough space here for me to continue. And yes, this not only happened to me, but to another person as well. Both of us at the time were extremely depressed, seeing a life-coach and seeing a psychiatrist. When I got wind of the first bombshells, it was on a day I spent trying to talk myself out of jumping off a damn bridge. This also came on a day this other person was fighting suicidal thoughts. Had it not been for me and my newer friend being able to talk so frank and openly that day, I believe I for sure might not be here today and who knows what would have happened to her all due to someone else's ignorance.

So hurting people, hurt people? Words cut very deep. If you claim to be a Christian or anyone I guess for that matter and you are hurting people, please remember that you have literally NO idea what someone is going through. Something you do or say could send someone over the complete edge and all for what? I wish I knew the answer. My suggestion is that if you give a damn about anyone, pray for them in your OWN prayer closet. You know why there even IS a prayer closet? So you and GOD and you two only can hash things out. If you go to any other person and tell them something all so they can "pray" for the person, it is only pure gossip and is straight from the pit of hell. This behavior causes more and more people daily to end their relationship with church, church people and potentially their very own lives.

 This is a VERY SERIOUS matter!!!!

I don't let too many people get close to me and I'm guessing I never will after this experience. But the good news is, I am back on medication and although it was about three weeks of complete mental hell, I feel like I am back to my old self. I have a new friend who was very helpful to me during the darkest of those days. If you feel suicidal, please reach out to someone. I had a couple of friends, my sister, the lady I live with and my adopted sister that I reached out to for the first time about this issue. People suffer in silence. Why? Because so few understand or know what to do. But you know what? Every single time I got up enough courage to call one of these individuals it helped me get through another day. One friend and my sister were able to just listen as I told them I did not wish to live life. They listened as I bawled my eyes out like they had never witnessed me do before. They listened with love and without judgement. They prayed with me and for me. They didn't go share my issues with other people or in their weekly "Prayer meeting." To those people, YOU are the ones who give me hope that there are still genuinely good people in the world. Don't be alarmed, I have a very close relationship with God and I always will have. He will never abandon me, nor I him. He alone is the only constant and faithful friend until the end of time.

I know these people were very scared for me. Hell, I was terrified of myself. I felt like I was a danger to myself. But I know for a fact that if I had not had them to talk to, I probably wouldn't be writing this blog today.

I hate having to take medication. I hope it is not something I will have to do forever. But, it is a must for now. I cannot be ashamed of it. And, I think that there are too many people just like me out there that need for this to be talked about. I guess my biggest message to anyone out there today is that sometimes, suicidal people don't take their own lives....it's someone else's cruelty that actually pulls the trigger.

 DON'T BE THAT PERSON!!

A life should be honored and valued while the person is still living, not after they are gone. Some consequences for mistakes made are totally and completely permanent. Sometimes, there are NO take-backs.

Could it really be possible?

Hey Survivors!!!!

I haven't been blogging here in SO long. I do apologize. After having chemo and going through "Chemo Brain", I wondered if I would ever get back to my normal self. If you know me, you know I have a SERIOUS TYPE A personality!! I will never forget my chemo class. Where the nurse tried to reassure me that most people that can really notice chemo brain are those who are very detail oriented, pay attention to detail, are very organized and have a type A personality. At which point I started to freak out internally since she basically described my personality!!!!

When I had my first treatment, a dear friend of mine who is also a survivor warned me about it. And she doesn't even have my personality. I was driving to my doctor appointment when I realized I had taken the wrong highway. I turned around and felt good at that moment that I realized I was going the wrong way and turned around. But about 5 minutes into my drive, I realized I had no memory as to how to get to the doctors office. Which made me totally panic because I had driven there several times a week for many weeks at this point. I called Deryl and was crying my eyes out. Not many people know this side of my story. My survivor friends do but not my "regular" friends.

Cancer rips SO much from you. It is so funny how when it is all over people just think you are done. Life just moves on. Well, not so fast. It sucks. If you know someone who is a survivor you should seriously show them mercy. If you are a survivor, keep your head up...it gets much better. One of the things that drove me crazy about chemo brain is that I couldn't remember words. One day, I was at Chick-fil-A with the girls and they had a little container of Cheerios. I dumped the Cheerios out and asked them if they wanted some of my Cheetos. They started laughing and what was funny was that I knew when I said it that something was wrong. As soon as they said the word Cheerios I just couldn't believe it!

Here it is 19 months after my last treatment. Literally, about two weeks ago I felt a FLOOD of memories come into my mind. It was truly the wildest thing EVER!! I would wake up thinking of things I had forgotten or needed to do. Every day it would increase. I was like my old self. EVERY single thing I needed to do was coming to my mind!! It was incredible. I mean I PHYSICALLY felt it in my brain. SO WEIRD!!!! I could obviously tell it was SO VERY different. With each day I remembered more and am still remembering more to this day. It is AWESOME!!!! TOTALLY AWESOME!!!! I have so much hope and feel SO darn secure!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

It is like ME is back. I guess deep down I thought I was gone forever. I KNOW I am an awesome administrative assistant. But I didn't feel on top of my game for so long. But now that I am actually feeling like my old self I feel like I totally ROCK!!!! What an amazing feeling. Before chemo I knew what I was capable of. I was so solid, so confident. But cancer and chemo stole that from me. Now, I am getting back to ME!!!!

So ladies, hold on to your faith. Hold on to HOPE. It DOES get better!!!! I'm living proof. It may take you down but it can't keep you down!!!! Things will turn around. I promise you.

Please don't forget that you can contact me anytime you want. Even if I don't know you and we have never even met!! I love helping survivors in any way I can. We have to stay united!! Breast cancer bonds women together like nothing I have ever seen before.

You can reach me at kelley@feelthetatas.com

Kelley

Reality sets in

Kelley says................(longest post known to man!)


Well, I think my last several posts have been encouraging and inspiring. Today, maybe not so much. At first, I was reluctant to even want to blog about this because there are so many people who read my blog that I know from church. But, I really felt God tugging at my heart asking me "Why do I have my blog?" Well, one reason is to keep everyone informed about what is going on with our situation. But the biggest reason of all has always been to promote the importance of self-breast exams and to help save someone or many people's lives and to encourage them in their own journey.


With that being said, I realized that in order to really encourage someone who is going through this, they have to not only know all the positive sides to cancer but they need me to be real and totally straight up as well. They need to know the truth about the hard days so they don't feel alone or like what they are feeling isn't normal. 


SO, first let me say that if you watched my video, you know that Thursday I had one of my biggest breakdowns since being diagnosed. I don't think I have cried that long or that hard since my hotel retreat in the beginning of this whole fiasco. But it was just what I needed. 

Friday I went for my first blood draw to get my counts checked. White blood cells are the ones that fight off infections. The day I had chemo, mine were at 11.7 and the lowest in the range is 1.8. The doctor had already told me that I might have to get shots to bring them back up if they ended up in the low range. Well, mine were down to 0.08! So it barely registered that I even have white blood cells. I'm thinking this isn't really THAT big of a deal. Until they tell me to not eat any salad, no raw veggies, don't touch plants or flowers, don't do dishes or clean, call immediately if my fever gets over 100.5, use my hand sanitizer constantly, and go home and stay inside my own home all weekend. Then she said, when you leave and you touch that elevator button, you need to clean your hands. 


OMG! WHAT!? You know, I told Deryl that it has seemed most of this time like I have been watching someone else go through this. But the closer it got to Friday when I shaved my head, it was like I was totally backed in a corner with my own self. Suddenly I had to come to grips with the fact that this was indeed happening to ME. I didn't cry but was really bummed. But I just started thinking about what a fun night I was going to have with all my haircuts and how awesome it was that I got to try on some haircuts that I wouldn't have otherwise ever done. I thought of it as a once in a lifetime "opportunity".


So, I had a great weekend. Friday and Saturday I scrapbooked and made cards and listened to worship music all by myself. It was so much fun and I just loved it. My mother-in-law and sister-in-law brought Heather home and Rachel came home from camp. It was so good to see them. I had such a good visit with Mary & Monica. They hung out with me for a while and we got to talk with just us. We haven't done that in a very long time and I REALLY enjoyed it. Monica is a nurse and of course she asked me if I had been taking my temperature like they told me to. I said yes but I hadn't taken it that day. Right when they were getting up to leave I wasn't feeling great and it was weird because it was so sudden. I checked my temp as soon as they left even though I didn't feel hot to myself and it was 99.5! I had been so happy and in such a good mood then I immediately started to cry.


I don't want to be sick anymore. I don't want to have to go to the hospital. I don't, I don't, I don't. I popped some Tylenol and started praying right away. A couple of hours later it had gone down to 98.9 and by the evening was completely gone. I don't know if I have mentioned this on my blog or not but the type of chemo I am getting, I'm not sure if it is with every chemo or not, causes women to go into instant menopause. Well, after the fever event I was just so sad. The girls were here and I haven't seen them all week yet I felt myself getting frustrated with them and I knew it was totally me and not really them. 


Yesterday, I had on a pretty dress and one of my favorite scarves that a very dear friend gave me. But yet every time I went to the bathroom and looked in the mirror, I just didn't feel pretty. Everyone knows that I loved my hair. It was something I felt so very confident about. I love that I don't have to wash my hair and style it right now because I had so much hair that it took forever to style it. But, this is just hard. I told a friend that having cancer, battling cancer is so, so, so much more than physical. It is a daily mental battle. It is just way too much sometimes. I mean when most people have a zit, they can cover it up with make-up. Or if you got a tattoo on your arm you regret you can wear long sleeves. But I just can't hide anymore that I am battling cancer. Like I said, sometimes it is just too much for a person. 


I am NOT a person who cries a lot. I am always very in control of my emotions and I am a very steady person. But that is seeming to not be the case anymore and I absolutely hate that. I also am experiencing "Chemo Brain" you can google it to find out more if you want. Anyway, I forgot how to get to the doctor's office Friday, I opened the freezer to put away the salt, I can't think of certain words, I was talking to the girls about a show being a rerun and I called it a re-do. UGH. This is really, really hard for an organized, extremely detailed, Type A personality like mine!!


So yeah, there it is. I hope more and more people are drawn to my blog who are newly diagnosed or are currently battling this. Although I am a very positive person and love to encourage and inspire others, I also want to be as authentic as I can so people can see ALL the sides of cancer and not just one side. I hope if you ever meet or know anyone in my shoes that you will be sure to tell them about my blog. 


I know this is the longest post I have ever written. Thank you for reading all the way to the end and thank you for being a listening ear during my time of struggle. 


Love you all,


Kelley