Last week I blogged about choosing to have a good day....deciding to. It has been 8 days today since I got up that morning and CHOSE to get ready and face the day. I am so pleased to report that the last 8 days have been the best 8 days of 2011.
Today started out kind of shaky but I just did my routine of getting up, getting ready to face the day head on and then....I started to praise. Praise and pray. It is amazing how your day can get completely turned around if you will just praise God. Before I put on my worship music I caught myself starting to worry about things that are ALL out of my control. There wasn't one thing I was concerned about that I could control. The key is to catch yourself early on in the thought process. Many of the last 8 days including today, this has happened to me. But what I have done is just say to myself each day that every single one of those days have passed and here I am and everything is fine. Today, I did the same thing. I just said to myself that I am not going to let myself or my thoughts get out of control. I can just "be" in the moment today. And then you know what happens? I wake up tomorrow and it is day 9!!!!
I used to do this very thing religiously. But when major events happen in our lives, it is easy to get out of our routines. But that is when we need to do it the most!! The word does say that the enemy is out to kill, steal and to destroy. So the moment we let our guard down, he will attack. He is on the prowl and always will be.
Are YOU worried, concerned or stressed about some things in YOUR life? Then I challenge you everyday to do this. Just try it for one day and see how awesome it works. Right now, are you thinking worrisome thoughts? Give yourself today off. Just say that everything is going to be just fine and if you need to you can pick up that worry again tomorrow morning. Then when you wake up and see that all is well you can challenge yourself to do it for one more day.
I am certain you will have an amazing day if you just stick to it. I would love to hear how it goes for you. I can't wait to hear from you saying you are on day 365!!!!!!
Showing posts with label emotional. Show all posts
Showing posts with label emotional. Show all posts
Monday, August 22, 2011
Thursday, July 29, 2010
Bad Hair Days
Kelley says......
Well, bad hair days have a whole new meaning to me now. I guess every day is a bad hair day since I don't have any! That would be every woman's worst nightmare I guess, to wake up and look in the mirror and not have any hair.
I don't know how many of you scrapbook or make cards but when I am working on either it really drives me crazy during the creating process. Let's say I am about to work on a scrapbook page. I get all the pictures out that I want to put on that page. Then, I lay them out a million different ways and try to decide what paper I want to use. Then I will try to figure out what layout I am thinking about using. Once I get this part figured out, that is only the beginning!! Then I have to decide how to bring it all together which is definitely the most frustrating part for me. Just something about it won't look right. I'll play around with it over and over and then suddenly I'll think of just the right added touches to put on it that makes it look just perfect and I love it!!
It is kind of like getting ready for a special date. You take your shower, put on your pretty lotion, put on your make-up, fix your hair real nice, spray on your favorite perfume and get dressed. When you look in the mirror you just don't look right, something is missing. You realize you have forgotten to put on any jewelry and when you put it on, it adds just the touch you were looking for and you feel amazing. I have been longing for that feeling. Only the finishing touch for me now is a scarf. Oh how I wish it was fixing my hair. I am great at fixing my hair and love doing it. It used to take me a long time to blow dry, curl or flat iron my hair but I never, ever complained about it. I really enjoyed it.
I just don't feel complete. Yesterday was just a sad day for me. I don't say any of this for anyone to feel sorry for me in ANY way whatsoever. I just always want to be real with how I am feeling so when women who come to my blog in the future who are going through or are about to go through this journey, they can get a real glimpse into what it is truly like. I am okay without having my hair. I guess as okay as anyone can be. I mean, it just is what it is and there is nothing I can do about it but choose the attitude I have about it. I refuse to sit around and feel sorry for myself. But at the most random times I see myself in a reflection and it bothers me. For some reason, when I see a glimpse of myself on accident it is just a reminder of what I am going through and how it still sometimes feels like a dream that I so wish I could awaken from.
I want to feel pretty again. I know my hair doesn't define me so please don't take any of this wrong. This is just how I am feeling at this moment. I am a confident person the majority of the time! Anyway, it just amazes me how we get attached to things that are just "things". Hair will come back, my energy will come back, my normal taste buds will come back, heck....I'm even gonna get my boobs back. I've lost things that have no chance of ever, ever returning to me. So, I guess I will be thankful for the fact that a lot of what I have lost will return. And one thing I know for sure is that money can't buy the wisdom I have gained from this experience.
Well, bad hair days have a whole new meaning to me now. I guess every day is a bad hair day since I don't have any! That would be every woman's worst nightmare I guess, to wake up and look in the mirror and not have any hair.
I don't know how many of you scrapbook or make cards but when I am working on either it really drives me crazy during the creating process. Let's say I am about to work on a scrapbook page. I get all the pictures out that I want to put on that page. Then, I lay them out a million different ways and try to decide what paper I want to use. Then I will try to figure out what layout I am thinking about using. Once I get this part figured out, that is only the beginning!! Then I have to decide how to bring it all together which is definitely the most frustrating part for me. Just something about it won't look right. I'll play around with it over and over and then suddenly I'll think of just the right added touches to put on it that makes it look just perfect and I love it!!
It is kind of like getting ready for a special date. You take your shower, put on your pretty lotion, put on your make-up, fix your hair real nice, spray on your favorite perfume and get dressed. When you look in the mirror you just don't look right, something is missing. You realize you have forgotten to put on any jewelry and when you put it on, it adds just the touch you were looking for and you feel amazing. I have been longing for that feeling. Only the finishing touch for me now is a scarf. Oh how I wish it was fixing my hair. I am great at fixing my hair and love doing it. It used to take me a long time to blow dry, curl or flat iron my hair but I never, ever complained about it. I really enjoyed it.
I just don't feel complete. Yesterday was just a sad day for me. I don't say any of this for anyone to feel sorry for me in ANY way whatsoever. I just always want to be real with how I am feeling so when women who come to my blog in the future who are going through or are about to go through this journey, they can get a real glimpse into what it is truly like. I am okay without having my hair. I guess as okay as anyone can be. I mean, it just is what it is and there is nothing I can do about it but choose the attitude I have about it. I refuse to sit around and feel sorry for myself. But at the most random times I see myself in a reflection and it bothers me. For some reason, when I see a glimpse of myself on accident it is just a reminder of what I am going through and how it still sometimes feels like a dream that I so wish I could awaken from.
I want to feel pretty again. I know my hair doesn't define me so please don't take any of this wrong. This is just how I am feeling at this moment. I am a confident person the majority of the time! Anyway, it just amazes me how we get attached to things that are just "things". Hair will come back, my energy will come back, my normal taste buds will come back, heck....I'm even gonna get my boobs back. I've lost things that have no chance of ever, ever returning to me. So, I guess I will be thankful for the fact that a lot of what I have lost will return. And one thing I know for sure is that money can't buy the wisdom I have gained from this experience.
Friday, July 2, 2010
Gratitude
Deryl says........Kelley had her first chemo treatment today. She has been handling it pretty well so far. She has had a little nausea and has felt a little drained energy-wise. But so far so good. Of course it has been less than 8 hours since she finished but we can be grateful for the happenings of today. Last week when we went to chemo class I left there kind of scared and a little angry. I found myself in kind of a foul mood for a couple of days. Then had a good weekend but Monday I was feeling kind of pissy again. I just let myself feel it for awhile and got it out of my system. I finally came to a place of acceptance. I felt prepared for what is coming ever since. I had a great rest of the week. Kelley and I had a wonderful day yesterday and we both felt peace. Then this morning came and Kelley was getting a little tense. I could feel some tension within as well but it was very little and did not last very long.
In some ways this process has been very good for us. Kelley and I were discussing how we both feel as if our hearts have opened wider. We both feel more loving and accepting of others and even loving and accepting of this situation. For me the biggest change has come in the area of emotions. I have been able to allow myself to feel whatever it is that I feel in any given moment and express it. And most of the time I feel I express my emotions in a healthy way. I may snap at my kids a little too much and sulk a little too long. But I allow myself to feel and that has opened my heart. I know it sounds kind of sappy and almost feminine. And not too long ago I would have been embarrassed to write this for all to see or even to cry or voice my fears in front of my family. But the more I feel the freer I feel inside. And I see the same thing happening in Kelley.
Kelley has taken a situation that could have hardened her towards life and she has let it soften her. She tells her friends that she loves them and really means it. She could not have done that last year. I admire her bravery so much. She doesn't see it as bravery but it is. I mean who shaves their head before their hair falls out. And not just that but instead of just shaving her hair, she turns it into to hair fashion night where she will get to try on several different haircuts before she goes bald. I mean that is brilliant!
I know we have a tough road ahead of us yet I am grateful. I am grateful for all of the wonderful friends that visited us today. The friends who have done things like clean our house, mow our lawn, and cook meals for us. That is God pouring out His magnificent love on us through other people. How can I not be grateful with incredible, unending love like that. I hope I never forget.
In some ways this process has been very good for us. Kelley and I were discussing how we both feel as if our hearts have opened wider. We both feel more loving and accepting of others and even loving and accepting of this situation. For me the biggest change has come in the area of emotions. I have been able to allow myself to feel whatever it is that I feel in any given moment and express it. And most of the time I feel I express my emotions in a healthy way. I may snap at my kids a little too much and sulk a little too long. But I allow myself to feel and that has opened my heart. I know it sounds kind of sappy and almost feminine. And not too long ago I would have been embarrassed to write this for all to see or even to cry or voice my fears in front of my family. But the more I feel the freer I feel inside. And I see the same thing happening in Kelley.
Kelley has taken a situation that could have hardened her towards life and she has let it soften her. She tells her friends that she loves them and really means it. She could not have done that last year. I admire her bravery so much. She doesn't see it as bravery but it is. I mean who shaves their head before their hair falls out. And not just that but instead of just shaving her hair, she turns it into to hair fashion night where she will get to try on several different haircuts before she goes bald. I mean that is brilliant!
I know we have a tough road ahead of us yet I am grateful. I am grateful for all of the wonderful friends that visited us today. The friends who have done things like clean our house, mow our lawn, and cook meals for us. That is God pouring out His magnificent love on us through other people. How can I not be grateful with incredible, unending love like that. I hope I never forget.
Thursday, July 1, 2010
My EVER evolving hair
Kelley says.................
Well, tomorrow I start chemo. I can't believe how fast time has gone by this week. All week I have been thinking about the Friday after next when I will have my head shaved. I have to admit, just thinking about it and imagining how that night will be is just stinking depressing!! Years ago, I was a hairdresser. I also did nails for many years and I still do my own. For as long as I can remember I have always gotten compliments on my hair. It hasn't mattered if it was super long, super short, red, blonde, curly, Texas "BIG", or whatever, people have always loved my hair and so have I. As women we don't usually think about our good qualities, we think instead about all of our shortcomings. You know like, I wish I was skinny like so and so or I wish I had bigger boobs or I wish my stomach didn't pooch out, I have big thighs, why can't I lose weight, I wish I was taller.....the list could go on forever.
So as I pondered getting my head shaved and imagining a bunch of tears I just started thinking to myself, how can I make this fun? I mean, you just don't get this "opportunity" every day. How can I make the best out of this situation? Well, I have always loved Ellen's hair as well as Sharon Stone's. I always thought to myself that when I am older and finally do cut my hair I will get that haircut.
My hairdresser is totally awesome and she loves my hair too! I can pretty much wear whatever haircut I want. When my hair is just starting to grow out after chemo she had the idea of starting with a Jamie Lee Curtis look until I have enough for the Ellen/Sharon look. SO, I thought why don't I have her take a before picture and then cut it into the Ellen cut and then take a picture. Then, she can cut it in the Jamie Lee Curtis cut and take a picture. Then she can do something really fun and take a picture and THEN shave it! I'm just going to make a night of it. I am sure there will be tears, no doubt. But this way there will be lots of laughter too. AND, I will feel like I get to "try on" the other cuts! Not many people get the chance to do something like this so I feel so lucky!!!!
I'll be posting pics of the transformation next weekend.
Kelley
Well, tomorrow I start chemo. I can't believe how fast time has gone by this week. All week I have been thinking about the Friday after next when I will have my head shaved. I have to admit, just thinking about it and imagining how that night will be is just stinking depressing!! Years ago, I was a hairdresser. I also did nails for many years and I still do my own. For as long as I can remember I have always gotten compliments on my hair. It hasn't mattered if it was super long, super short, red, blonde, curly, Texas "BIG", or whatever, people have always loved my hair and so have I. As women we don't usually think about our good qualities, we think instead about all of our shortcomings. You know like, I wish I was skinny like so and so or I wish I had bigger boobs or I wish my stomach didn't pooch out, I have big thighs, why can't I lose weight, I wish I was taller.....the list could go on forever.
So as I pondered getting my head shaved and imagining a bunch of tears I just started thinking to myself, how can I make this fun? I mean, you just don't get this "opportunity" every day. How can I make the best out of this situation? Well, I have always loved Ellen's hair as well as Sharon Stone's. I always thought to myself that when I am older and finally do cut my hair I will get that haircut.
My hairdresser is totally awesome and she loves my hair too! I can pretty much wear whatever haircut I want. When my hair is just starting to grow out after chemo she had the idea of starting with a Jamie Lee Curtis look until I have enough for the Ellen/Sharon look. SO, I thought why don't I have her take a before picture and then cut it into the Ellen cut and then take a picture. Then, she can cut it in the Jamie Lee Curtis cut and take a picture. Then she can do something really fun and take a picture and THEN shave it! I'm just going to make a night of it. I am sure there will be tears, no doubt. But this way there will be lots of laughter too. AND, I will feel like I get to "try on" the other cuts! Not many people get the chance to do something like this so I feel so lucky!!!!
I'll be posting pics of the transformation next weekend.
Kelley
Look good, feel better
Kelley says...........
On Monday, I went to a "Beauty class". It was called "Look good, feel better". It was for women who will lose their hair or have already. I walk in there and thought I was in a nursing home. One other lady my age walks in with hair and I was so relieved. That is, until I saw that behind her was her 90 year old mother that she was bringing. Finally, a lady walked in with no hair, she had on a turban. We talked after the class and it turns out that she is 40 just like me and she had Stage 1 breast cancer and just finished her 2nd treatment. So it was really good just to talk to someone who has taken the kind of chemo I will be on to get an idea of what to expect. I also learned how to cut up a t-shirt and use it on my head to help keep hats still.
Over all, this has been a good week. Been nervous a few times. But Monday was my worst day this week. I think just going to that class made me sad because I just felt so out of place. I start chemo tomorrow and I am planning on getting my head shaved the following Friday. When I think about waiting and just letting it happen whenever it happens, it puts a knot in my stomach. Just the thought of literally watching my hair fall out is just too traumatic. Besides, if I waited we would be talking about days or possibly one extra week with hair. The chemo they use for breast cancer patients causes 100% hair loss 100% of the time. So, I am choosing to be in control of when that happens.
Please pray that every time I have my blood drawn or an IV put in during the next several months, that the person would be very, very good at doing it. That they will have NO problem finding a vein AT ALL!!
On Monday, I went to a "Beauty class". It was called "Look good, feel better". It was for women who will lose their hair or have already. I walk in there and thought I was in a nursing home. One other lady my age walks in with hair and I was so relieved. That is, until I saw that behind her was her 90 year old mother that she was bringing. Finally, a lady walked in with no hair, she had on a turban. We talked after the class and it turns out that she is 40 just like me and she had Stage 1 breast cancer and just finished her 2nd treatment. So it was really good just to talk to someone who has taken the kind of chemo I will be on to get an idea of what to expect. I also learned how to cut up a t-shirt and use it on my head to help keep hats still.
Over all, this has been a good week. Been nervous a few times. But Monday was my worst day this week. I think just going to that class made me sad because I just felt so out of place. I start chemo tomorrow and I am planning on getting my head shaved the following Friday. When I think about waiting and just letting it happen whenever it happens, it puts a knot in my stomach. Just the thought of literally watching my hair fall out is just too traumatic. Besides, if I waited we would be talking about days or possibly one extra week with hair. The chemo they use for breast cancer patients causes 100% hair loss 100% of the time. So, I am choosing to be in control of when that happens.
Please pray that every time I have my blood drawn or an IV put in during the next several months, that the person would be very, very good at doing it. That they will have NO problem finding a vein AT ALL!!
Monday, June 21, 2010
I'm with Einstein
Deryl says.........I have had a very solemn day today. I am normally very happy-go-lucky and sail through life with my head in the clouds. But today I have been pondering deeply the things of life. The thing is that at different times of my life it has felt very difficult. But in most cases it was my own direct actions that caused my difficult circumstances. But now I feel as if I am in difficult circumstances that are not of my own doing. But then I wonder did I do anything to contribute to this? I mean I know I did not give Kelley cancer. But did I make lifestyle choices that contributed to it? I mean Kelley wanted me to become a vegetarian many years ago and I told her I would never in my life give up steak. But I felt a tug within to do it. I knew it would make me healthier and Kelley healthier. But I wanted what I wanted. So now all these years later I am happily a vegetarian. I want to make it easier for Kelley and the girls to eat healthy. I never want to see anyone with cancer again. I read a study that showed that the US has the highest rate of breast cancer in the world and we also eat the highest percentage of animal fat and processed foods in our diets of any country in the world. And the study showed a correlation between diet and breast cancer. Japan had the lowest rate of breast cancer and also had the lowest percentage of animal fat and processed foods in their diet. So it appears that my choices have influenced to some degree what we are experiencing now. I am not blaming myself for this. I know Kelley is her own person and could have chosen differently. I also don't know if we had become vegetarians back then that she wouldn't still have cancer now. But what I do know is that there was a part of me that nudged me in that direction and I ignored it. I am not casting blame on myself or anyone else. I am simply stating that I have been pondering how something so seemingly insignificant could possibly have significant outcomes. That when that little voice inside nudges you to do something you know is good for you or your loved ones but you ignore it what are the consequences.
I call that little voice God. And I am paying a lot more attention to that voice than I did before. It is funny how impossible it seemed to give up meat before and how incredibly easy it is now. What changed? My thoughts are the only thing different. I still desired to eat meat when I first started and I still crave it sometimes. But the longer I don't eat it the less I think about eating it.
Life is precious and wonderful even in the hard times because it is a miracle. Einstein once said "in life you either see everything as a miracle or nothing as a miracle". I hope you see it as a miracle. There is no timetable for any of us. Kelley had a son that died at 3 months old and a mother who died at 53. I have a grandmother that is still alive and kicking at 92. Who decides these things? Is it God that takes a son and a mother early and let's someone else live past 100? I mean Kelley's son sure didn't make a choice that took his own life. The point is you can drive your self crazy trying to figure it out or you can take the advice of St. Paul who said "whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is of good report think on these things". Now is always the only moment you have to work with even when planning for the future you are doing it now. So take full advantage of the current moment. Life is always shorter than we expect. Do whatever you are doing with your whole heart and mind. Love life and life will love you back. It is a lesson that comes alive when the reality of death has been placed before you.
I call that little voice God. And I am paying a lot more attention to that voice than I did before. It is funny how impossible it seemed to give up meat before and how incredibly easy it is now. What changed? My thoughts are the only thing different. I still desired to eat meat when I first started and I still crave it sometimes. But the longer I don't eat it the less I think about eating it.
Life is precious and wonderful even in the hard times because it is a miracle. Einstein once said "in life you either see everything as a miracle or nothing as a miracle". I hope you see it as a miracle. There is no timetable for any of us. Kelley had a son that died at 3 months old and a mother who died at 53. I have a grandmother that is still alive and kicking at 92. Who decides these things? Is it God that takes a son and a mother early and let's someone else live past 100? I mean Kelley's son sure didn't make a choice that took his own life. The point is you can drive your self crazy trying to figure it out or you can take the advice of St. Paul who said "whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is of good report think on these things". Now is always the only moment you have to work with even when planning for the future you are doing it now. So take full advantage of the current moment. Life is always shorter than we expect. Do whatever you are doing with your whole heart and mind. Love life and life will love you back. It is a lesson that comes alive when the reality of death has been placed before you.
Saturday, June 12, 2010
Love Revolution Baby!
Deryl says......It was nice to be able to go back to work at the office this past week. It offer some sense of normalcy which for some reason brings a little comfort. Kelley is no longer suffering intense pain everyday. She is able to do more and more for herself which I know makes her feel better. Kelley has said all along that she was not real concerned about losing hers boobs. But it is starting to affect her now. She knows how much I love her and that I don't care but breasts are a symbol of womanhood. How can it not affect you when you lose them?
Kelley has handled this situation so amazingly well. She has a very emotional day about every 4 to 5 days. But she allows herself to feel what she is feeling and expresses it to those she loves and trusts verbally and shares much of it on this blog. Sometimes she will try to get down on herself for getting into a negative emotional state. But how could you not? Can you imagine anyone having any part of their body completely removed and not suffering through some kind of grieving process. I know I have felt my own grief through this and my body is still intact.
The thing about going through something like this is that it can actually allow you to deal with emotional wounds of the past as well. You are going to suffer through fear, anger, and pain when your family is battling cancer. So why not use that fear, anger, and pain to heal past hurts. Kelley mentioned that she was a life coach in her previous post (which was so moving and profound). I am a life coach as well. Kelley and I went through the same coaching program as clients and students together. Without being a client and then a coach I don't think either one of us could handle this situation as we have. The fact that I have allowed myself to weep openly and discuss it with others and even weep in front of others is such a huge step forward for me. Before I would have thought in my mind "quit acting like a girl". When the reality is it would greatly benefit many of us men to act a little more like girls when it comes to knowing and expressing our emotions. There was a time when something would be bothering me and Kelley would ask me what is wrong. I would always say "nothing". Because I was not even aware of the emotions I was feeling at the moment. Kelley would continue to question me about my day and would wind up discovering exactly what I was upset about. She would wind up saying something like "Deryl you are mad because your boss didn't go with your idea" or something similar. And I would realize she was exactly right. She could pinpoint my emotions better than I could myself. That is great if you have a wife that can do that and if she could be with you every second of the day. I am not an expert yet in recognizing and expressing my emotions but I am much better. And I can tell you life is much easier to handle when you express what you are feeling in a healthy and appropriate way.
I think in the past, on some level, I was afraid that if I acknowledged and expressed my feelings it would cause a flood of emotion I could not control. I thought that was weak and unmanly. I also feared I would hurt someone else with my expression of emotion. The thing is when I tried to keep it all in I was hurting myself and I would still hurt others. Because if you live with someone and are with them everyday you are at some point going to hurt their feelings. But by acknowledging how you feel and expressing it in a healthy way you will hurt them less and less often and become more healthy yourself.
I am a work in progress. As you can tell from my previous posts I still snap at my family sometimes and then feel guilty for it afterward. But I am getting better. And that is the key.
One thing that I have discovered and experienced at a deeper level than ever is the love of God and the love of others. Experiencing love either internally or through the actions of others and realizing that nothing in return is expected from you is revolutionary to your life. Then when your opportunity to love someone else presents itself it is so easy when you feel loved. It is as if your love for another has multiplied.
As I write this the macho side of me is saying what a bunch of mushy drivel. But that macho side of me is the side that directed me to actions that were destructive to myself and others. Anyone who knew me in high school and into my mid-twenties knows exactly what kind of behaviors I am referring to. I am not saying that men should not be masculine. I still love football and a good action movie. But men would be well served to redefine what masculinity means to them. Womanizing, stoic, emotionally distant, physically tough and superior to others are the types of definitions of manhood that are antiquated and should be obsolete. There is nothing more masculine than caring for your loved ones in a way that allows them to feel your love for them.
The place to start is to know and experience God's intense love for you. You do not have to be better for God to love you. You do not have to change for God to love you. You have not done anything in your past that has caused God to cease loving you. God forgives you before you even ask because he was never angry with you. God only wants the best for you and wants you to experience that love in a real and tangible way. I can tell you that He will do it if you will allow Him. I have done some despicable things in my past. Yet I can feel God's overwhelming love for me today. I have tried to fill up the emptiness in side with substances, things, and shallow relationships. I have lived what some would think is a dream life. I lived in the Cayman Islands right on the water. I made more money than I needed and had many short relationships with beautiful women. I had parties all the time and had many friends. Yet I can recall laying on the beach with a pretty girl staring at the stars and thinking to myself "Is this all there is?" I had some worthwhile and valuable experiences during that time as well. But so much of my time was consumed with trying to fill this internal void and I didn't even know I was doing it at the time. But the past no longer exists. It only exists in my mind when I remember it. Kelley mentioned in her post that we spend too much time looking behind us. We drag our past into our present and we see things today through the lens of our yesterdays. Today is all you have. This present moment is the only moment you can do anything with. You can plan actions for the future but when you act it is in the present moment. Let us bring our full attention to this moment and let go of our past. God chooses not to remember it so why should we. By letting go of our past we can bring our complete love an attention into this moment of life and pour out that love in every opportunity that presents itself to us. God loves me so that I can love you. I am starting a Love Revolution. Will you join me?
Kelley has handled this situation so amazingly well. She has a very emotional day about every 4 to 5 days. But she allows herself to feel what she is feeling and expresses it to those she loves and trusts verbally and shares much of it on this blog. Sometimes she will try to get down on herself for getting into a negative emotional state. But how could you not? Can you imagine anyone having any part of their body completely removed and not suffering through some kind of grieving process. I know I have felt my own grief through this and my body is still intact.
The thing about going through something like this is that it can actually allow you to deal with emotional wounds of the past as well. You are going to suffer through fear, anger, and pain when your family is battling cancer. So why not use that fear, anger, and pain to heal past hurts. Kelley mentioned that she was a life coach in her previous post (which was so moving and profound). I am a life coach as well. Kelley and I went through the same coaching program as clients and students together. Without being a client and then a coach I don't think either one of us could handle this situation as we have. The fact that I have allowed myself to weep openly and discuss it with others and even weep in front of others is such a huge step forward for me. Before I would have thought in my mind "quit acting like a girl". When the reality is it would greatly benefit many of us men to act a little more like girls when it comes to knowing and expressing our emotions. There was a time when something would be bothering me and Kelley would ask me what is wrong. I would always say "nothing". Because I was not even aware of the emotions I was feeling at the moment. Kelley would continue to question me about my day and would wind up discovering exactly what I was upset about. She would wind up saying something like "Deryl you are mad because your boss didn't go with your idea" or something similar. And I would realize she was exactly right. She could pinpoint my emotions better than I could myself. That is great if you have a wife that can do that and if she could be with you every second of the day. I am not an expert yet in recognizing and expressing my emotions but I am much better. And I can tell you life is much easier to handle when you express what you are feeling in a healthy and appropriate way.
I think in the past, on some level, I was afraid that if I acknowledged and expressed my feelings it would cause a flood of emotion I could not control. I thought that was weak and unmanly. I also feared I would hurt someone else with my expression of emotion. The thing is when I tried to keep it all in I was hurting myself and I would still hurt others. Because if you live with someone and are with them everyday you are at some point going to hurt their feelings. But by acknowledging how you feel and expressing it in a healthy way you will hurt them less and less often and become more healthy yourself.
I am a work in progress. As you can tell from my previous posts I still snap at my family sometimes and then feel guilty for it afterward. But I am getting better. And that is the key.
One thing that I have discovered and experienced at a deeper level than ever is the love of God and the love of others. Experiencing love either internally or through the actions of others and realizing that nothing in return is expected from you is revolutionary to your life. Then when your opportunity to love someone else presents itself it is so easy when you feel loved. It is as if your love for another has multiplied.
As I write this the macho side of me is saying what a bunch of mushy drivel. But that macho side of me is the side that directed me to actions that were destructive to myself and others. Anyone who knew me in high school and into my mid-twenties knows exactly what kind of behaviors I am referring to. I am not saying that men should not be masculine. I still love football and a good action movie. But men would be well served to redefine what masculinity means to them. Womanizing, stoic, emotionally distant, physically tough and superior to others are the types of definitions of manhood that are antiquated and should be obsolete. There is nothing more masculine than caring for your loved ones in a way that allows them to feel your love for them.
The place to start is to know and experience God's intense love for you. You do not have to be better for God to love you. You do not have to change for God to love you. You have not done anything in your past that has caused God to cease loving you. God forgives you before you even ask because he was never angry with you. God only wants the best for you and wants you to experience that love in a real and tangible way. I can tell you that He will do it if you will allow Him. I have done some despicable things in my past. Yet I can feel God's overwhelming love for me today. I have tried to fill up the emptiness in side with substances, things, and shallow relationships. I have lived what some would think is a dream life. I lived in the Cayman Islands right on the water. I made more money than I needed and had many short relationships with beautiful women. I had parties all the time and had many friends. Yet I can recall laying on the beach with a pretty girl staring at the stars and thinking to myself "Is this all there is?" I had some worthwhile and valuable experiences during that time as well. But so much of my time was consumed with trying to fill this internal void and I didn't even know I was doing it at the time. But the past no longer exists. It only exists in my mind when I remember it. Kelley mentioned in her post that we spend too much time looking behind us. We drag our past into our present and we see things today through the lens of our yesterdays. Today is all you have. This present moment is the only moment you can do anything with. You can plan actions for the future but when you act it is in the present moment. Let us bring our full attention to this moment and let go of our past. God chooses not to remember it so why should we. By letting go of our past we can bring our complete love an attention into this moment of life and pour out that love in every opportunity that presents itself to us. God loves me so that I can love you. I am starting a Love Revolution. Will you join me?
Sunday, April 25, 2010
Cancer is a Fun Sucker!
Deryl says.......................................... You know cancer just sucks for everyone involved. Almost all of our days used to be good days. Now we are grateful for good moments. Yesterday was mostly a good day. But cancer just hangs a big dark cloud over everything. The cancer is scary but the treatment is almost as scary. When you get good news you are grateful. But soon the anxiety over the next test result takes up residence in your mind.
My heart breaks for Kelley. She is on an emotional roller coaster. Why wouldn't she be? This is the disease that killed her mother at 53. So things that she might take in stride before put her on the brink of an emotional breakdown. She was so happy yesterday after the MRI results but today is a new day. More pondering about if we get this result should we go with this treatment or the other. Which one will be the best to keep it from returning. And if we don't go with a mastectomy how much anxiety will we have every six months as we visit the doctor to make sure it has not returned.
We have our moments of joy and peace. But fear is still the over riding emotion. I know that in the end we will be ok. But the journey through the valley of cancer land is still scary. I mean doctors aren't perfect. What if they don't get rid of it this time? What if she suffers a mastectomy and chemo and it all comes back? I know I have no control over this. I know something else could happen besides cancer even if they get rid of all the cancer this time. But there is just something different about cancer than any other disease. It is so hard to know if you are really free from it. The treatment of it is so painful and difficult that many forgo standard medical treatment for alternative treatments or even going home and just taking their chances. It sucks any way you look at it.
Having so many express their love and concern helps us. I can feel the prayers of our friends and family keeping us out of this dark vortex of emotion. But cancer can even ruin that for you sometimes. I really appreciate it when people ask how Kelley or I am doing. Most of the time it makes me feel good. But every once in a while I get my mind to a place where I am focused on work or a conversation and feel normal. Then some well meaning person will ask how we are. When they ask I can feel the smile leave my face. Because that simple little question that would in most cases bring happiness because I know they care instead just reminds me that our life is turned upside down.That my wife's life is on the line. I hate the feeling I get when the smile leaves my face. It is something I am not used to. I don't want someone to feel bad about asking either. If you ask me and see the smile leave me it is ok. It is just part of cancer land. A place that brings fear and sadness to all who enter.
I am normally a very positive and upbeat person. Kelley would say I lived with my head in the clouds. Quite frankly I wish I could go back there right now. It feels a lot better. Maybe this is teaching me how to deal with fear, sadness, and anger. But the lesson is a hard one and I don't feel as if I have learned much yet. I have never dealt with any real tragedy in my life. Not one that was this close to me. I guess I was due at some point. But I get really pissed when I think of this disease that has turned our lives upside down. I have read about some cancer patients throwing "F U Cancer" parties. I can see why people would want to. Because you want it to die and disappear forever.
I believe that the spirit is the ultimate reality. I believe at some point Kelley and I will learn a great spiritual lesson from this journey through cancer land. But I am nowhere close to learning it yet. I am at the screw it phase right now. I am angry and afraid and sad all at once. I just want it all to go away. I want God to heal my wife immediately and to have our life back. Perhaps life will be better when this is all said and done. But right now that feels very far away. Right now cancer sucks the fun out of life.
My heart breaks for Kelley. She is on an emotional roller coaster. Why wouldn't she be? This is the disease that killed her mother at 53. So things that she might take in stride before put her on the brink of an emotional breakdown. She was so happy yesterday after the MRI results but today is a new day. More pondering about if we get this result should we go with this treatment or the other. Which one will be the best to keep it from returning. And if we don't go with a mastectomy how much anxiety will we have every six months as we visit the doctor to make sure it has not returned.
We have our moments of joy and peace. But fear is still the over riding emotion. I know that in the end we will be ok. But the journey through the valley of cancer land is still scary. I mean doctors aren't perfect. What if they don't get rid of it this time? What if she suffers a mastectomy and chemo and it all comes back? I know I have no control over this. I know something else could happen besides cancer even if they get rid of all the cancer this time. But there is just something different about cancer than any other disease. It is so hard to know if you are really free from it. The treatment of it is so painful and difficult that many forgo standard medical treatment for alternative treatments or even going home and just taking their chances. It sucks any way you look at it.
Having so many express their love and concern helps us. I can feel the prayers of our friends and family keeping us out of this dark vortex of emotion. But cancer can even ruin that for you sometimes. I really appreciate it when people ask how Kelley or I am doing. Most of the time it makes me feel good. But every once in a while I get my mind to a place where I am focused on work or a conversation and feel normal. Then some well meaning person will ask how we are. When they ask I can feel the smile leave my face. Because that simple little question that would in most cases bring happiness because I know they care instead just reminds me that our life is turned upside down.That my wife's life is on the line. I hate the feeling I get when the smile leaves my face. It is something I am not used to. I don't want someone to feel bad about asking either. If you ask me and see the smile leave me it is ok. It is just part of cancer land. A place that brings fear and sadness to all who enter.
I am normally a very positive and upbeat person. Kelley would say I lived with my head in the clouds. Quite frankly I wish I could go back there right now. It feels a lot better. Maybe this is teaching me how to deal with fear, sadness, and anger. But the lesson is a hard one and I don't feel as if I have learned much yet. I have never dealt with any real tragedy in my life. Not one that was this close to me. I guess I was due at some point. But I get really pissed when I think of this disease that has turned our lives upside down. I have read about some cancer patients throwing "F U Cancer" parties. I can see why people would want to. Because you want it to die and disappear forever.
I believe that the spirit is the ultimate reality. I believe at some point Kelley and I will learn a great spiritual lesson from this journey through cancer land. But I am nowhere close to learning it yet. I am at the screw it phase right now. I am angry and afraid and sad all at once. I just want it all to go away. I want God to heal my wife immediately and to have our life back. Perhaps life will be better when this is all said and done. But right now that feels very far away. Right now cancer sucks the fun out of life.
Friday, April 23, 2010
I am a Lover Not a Fighter! ..........medical update included
Deryl says........................................... Well the last two days have pretty much sucked emotionally. I was feeling an overwhelming sadness yesterday that I could not really tie to any one thing. The frustrating thing is that it has been almost two weeks since we were given the "c" word diagnosis and we barely know more than we did then. Although we have had some positive news there is still so much potential negative news it is overwhelming. There are so many results to wait for before a meaningful decision can be made with regard to treatment. It is almost too much to take in. And if it is overwhelming to me I cannot imagine how difficult it is for Kelley. I mean it is her body that they are talking about removing parts from.
I believe that ultimately God will use this situation for good. As I mentioned before I can already see some good coming out of this situation. But I am afraid for my wife. I am sad that she has to go through this. I am fearful of how much she may have to suffer. I want to FIX IT! But I am helpless against this disease. I cannot fight it or kill it. I cannot protect her from it. It makes me feel weak and sad and hurt. I don't want her to have to go through this. I don't want to go through this. But we are already on the train and it is too late to jump off.
On your wedding day most people are so full of love, hope and excitement. In our vows many say "in sickness and in health" as Kelley and I did. I don't know about you but I didn't give those words much consideration. I never saw cancer in our future back then. But it is times like this when you really find out what kind of relationship you have with your spouse. If you have true love for your wife. I am not talking about romantic "you complete me" type of love. I am talking about looking at the worst case scenario. Knowing that she could lose her breasts, lose her hair, and need to be waited on hand and foot for a long time. And then saying to yourself "I am grateful for the opportunity to show my wife how much I truly love her." and really being able to demonstrate it. I mean how often does someone get to prove their love in a way that leaves no doubt. So when this is all said and done and the cancer has been vanquished forever. My wife will be able to look at me and know I truly love her for who she is. But that kind of love is not something that just happens or that we developed because of some special knowledge or skill. It is the love and the grace of God that allows me to accept this situation and love my wife as I do. I am just loving my wife the way God loves me.
I have a great family around me. And I am not just talking blood relatives only. Many old and new friends have already been there for us before we were even able to ask. That makes it hard to stay sad for very long. It will be nice when we are able to have a day without thinking or talking about cancer. Who knows when that will come? In the mean time I plan to stay positive and lean on my family and friends so my wife can lean on me. So how can I complain when we have all these wonderful people around us? So at least I got that going for me? ......which is nice.
Kelley has an MRI tomorrow. They will be looking for any possible additional tumors. They may also be able to tell if there is any cancer in her lymph nodes from the MRI. We may have a change in the date of her surgery because we probably won't get the genetics test back before the surgery at this point. The genetics test will help determine if she has a lumpectomy or a double mastectomy. I will let everyone know what the new date is when it is scheduled if it changes.
I believe that ultimately God will use this situation for good. As I mentioned before I can already see some good coming out of this situation. But I am afraid for my wife. I am sad that she has to go through this. I am fearful of how much she may have to suffer. I want to FIX IT! But I am helpless against this disease. I cannot fight it or kill it. I cannot protect her from it. It makes me feel weak and sad and hurt. I don't want her to have to go through this. I don't want to go through this. But we are already on the train and it is too late to jump off.
On your wedding day most people are so full of love, hope and excitement. In our vows many say "in sickness and in health" as Kelley and I did. I don't know about you but I didn't give those words much consideration. I never saw cancer in our future back then. But it is times like this when you really find out what kind of relationship you have with your spouse. If you have true love for your wife. I am not talking about romantic "you complete me" type of love. I am talking about looking at the worst case scenario. Knowing that she could lose her breasts, lose her hair, and need to be waited on hand and foot for a long time. And then saying to yourself "I am grateful for the opportunity to show my wife how much I truly love her." and really being able to demonstrate it. I mean how often does someone get to prove their love in a way that leaves no doubt. So when this is all said and done and the cancer has been vanquished forever. My wife will be able to look at me and know I truly love her for who she is. But that kind of love is not something that just happens or that we developed because of some special knowledge or skill. It is the love and the grace of God that allows me to accept this situation and love my wife as I do. I am just loving my wife the way God loves me.
I have a great family around me. And I am not just talking blood relatives only. Many old and new friends have already been there for us before we were even able to ask. That makes it hard to stay sad for very long. It will be nice when we are able to have a day without thinking or talking about cancer. Who knows when that will come? In the mean time I plan to stay positive and lean on my family and friends so my wife can lean on me. So how can I complain when we have all these wonderful people around us? So at least I got that going for me? ......which is nice.
Kelley has an MRI tomorrow. They will be looking for any possible additional tumors. They may also be able to tell if there is any cancer in her lymph nodes from the MRI. We may have a change in the date of her surgery because we probably won't get the genetics test back before the surgery at this point. The genetics test will help determine if she has a lumpectomy or a double mastectomy. I will let everyone know what the new date is when it is scheduled if it changes.
Thursday, April 22, 2010
Room 223
I got settled. I got out my journal, pen, bible and my MP3 player. I then took off all my clothes to change into the clothes I sleep in. I stood there and stared at myself in the long mirror completely naked. I looked at my body and the realization that unless I am miraculously healed, no matter what happens, no matter what procedure I end up having done, I will never look the same way I do at this very moment ever again after my surgery.
I had so many emotions flowing through me. I felt like someone drew blood from me only they didn't take blood, they took a huge part of ME, of my life, of my family, of my job, my normal routine. Then I was injected with change, fear, sadness, grief, questions, anger, nervousness, anxiety, and much more.
My brain doesn't stop. Since being diagnosed, I haven't really felt myself being overcome with fear or worry. It's really weird and hard to explain. Its more like just thousands of questions zooming through my head 90 miles an hour. And it is very hard to even pull one of the thoughts out to concentrate on because there are so many.
I started to journal by writing down every single thing I was angry at God about. I could feel the anger rise up within me along with sadness and tears. I ripped out a page of my spiral, wrote "GOD" in big letters, laid it on the bed and proceeded to beat it with my hairbrush. After just a few times, I stopped and grabbed my MP3 player to listen to some worship songs I had put on there about healing. And some other songs that just make me very emotional. I knew I was sad and needed to go ALL the way there rather than run from it. Its at times like these I would normally bury my head in Deryl's shoulders. But this was between me and my God.
I listened to the worship music and raised my hands in worship to him. I didn't have any bend in my elbows at all. They were stretched all the way out. When one got tired I'd just put it down and then switch to the other. I knew if there was just a way to touch the hem of his garment, I'd get through this.
When I think about how this isn't fair I think "What is fair?" We aren't born with some kind of guarantee life is ever going to be fair. Suddenly, I could feel the real Kelley slowly start to stand up. You know, the one on the inside who got knocked down when she found out she had breast cancer. Those words kept coming back to me...I AM STRONG. Then the fighter in me said "Where's the boxing gloves?"
This isn't going to get me. I am going to accomplish more knowing that I have cancer than I ever could have without it. I've always been a hard headed, controlling, stubborn brat! So I might as well take that part of my personality to take cancer by the horns and take it down. I am a fighter, I am not a quitter, I AM STRONG! This is about me grabbing hold of my God. This is about cancer NOT determining my fate nor my destiny.
Could my cancer actually be a gift to me? I mean, God is entrusting ME to take this and do something with it. I can't sit around and feel sorry for myself any longer. My attitude is everything, I truly believe it. Instead of letting this ruin my life, it is motivating me to eat better, to live better, to get better.
I grabbed my beat up piece of paper with God's name on it, smoothed it all out as nice as I could and held it tight on my chest and the following is what I said to him... The biggest part of me belongs to you God. I am a sold-out believer. You have my heart God. No matter where this journey takes me, I'm yours. I may have questions & I may not understand this, but I can only love you more. I thought to myself...
- What if through my journey and how I handle this experience, one person came to know my savior? Then it would be worth it.
- What if instead of making my children run away from God, it made them run to the arms of their God? Then it would be worth it.
- What if my good friend who is grieving over the loss of someone dear to her found healing? Then it would be worth it.
- What if one woman saved her life because she "Felt the Ta-Tas"? Then it would be worth it.
I will never be able to express my gratitude to all the people in our circle and even the people who don't even know us who have been reaching out to us. I so strongly feel your thoughts and prayers and I appreciate them greatly. You will never know how much you are helping us right now. I love you all and hope this extremely long post blesses you today.
Wednesday, April 21, 2010
Joy
Kelley says........................................................Yesterday afternoon, I went to see my family doctor. I had a fever all day and just wasn't feeling well. It ended up not being a big deal at all. I just have an infection and they gave me antibiotics. When I left there I felt happy. On my way to get my prescription filled I felt joyful. When I realized this I realized that it was the first time I had been this happy since finding out I have cancer last Monday. So as I tried to figure out what was making me so happy it dawned on me that I was happy because I had an illness, I went to the doctor, she gave me a prescription and I am going to be fine. I guess it was nice to have something that had a simple solution. No further testing needed! I'm already sick of hearing that one!
Today, I am going away for 24 hours, alone. I started seeing a counselor and she suggested I get away and deal with all the emotional side of what is happening to me. I'm not going to lie, it is scary. I said I can't afford to do this and she asked me, "What if it saved your life?" Well, I guess I better figure it out then! I know I need to do this. But it is so much easier to leave this junk tucked nicely away down in the depths of my soul. I did a retreat 2 years ago that was wonderful but it isn't something you want to do on a regular basis!! It is hard, hard work. It is also much easier to keep yourself occupied and surrounded by friends so those kind of emotions don't even rear their ugly head. I guess it is much better to deal with this now and get it over with. I know these emotions are there. Didn't really know it until Monday afternoon I was on my way to pick up Heather. I felt this sudden urge to slam my fist on my steering wheel and scream "I want my life back!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" So yeah, guess some anger is obviously there!
So, if you think of me today, say a prayer that whatever work God wants to do, it will be accomplished 100%!!
Today, I am going away for 24 hours, alone. I started seeing a counselor and she suggested I get away and deal with all the emotional side of what is happening to me. I'm not going to lie, it is scary. I said I can't afford to do this and she asked me, "What if it saved your life?" Well, I guess I better figure it out then! I know I need to do this. But it is so much easier to leave this junk tucked nicely away down in the depths of my soul. I did a retreat 2 years ago that was wonderful but it isn't something you want to do on a regular basis!! It is hard, hard work. It is also much easier to keep yourself occupied and surrounded by friends so those kind of emotions don't even rear their ugly head. I guess it is much better to deal with this now and get it over with. I know these emotions are there. Didn't really know it until Monday afternoon I was on my way to pick up Heather. I felt this sudden urge to slam my fist on my steering wheel and scream "I want my life back!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" So yeah, guess some anger is obviously there!
So, if you think of me today, say a prayer that whatever work God wants to do, it will be accomplished 100%!!
Monday, April 19, 2010
I am Joining the Pink Mafia!
Deryl says........................................................... You know there are so many things about this situation that you could call bad. But we really don't know if something is good or bad while we are in the midst of it. We say this situation is bad because that is how it feels right now. But I can already see some good coming out of it. I see Kelley becoming willing to cut loose a little more than she did before. She is letting go of the little things that seemed important before but really weren't. I have a greater appreciation for her. I have always loved her and have been grateful to have her. But it almost seems as if I had been taking her for granted recently. I feel more love and gratitude now than ever to be her husband. It makes me wonder why, if I was capable of greater love and gratitude, did it take something like this for me to realize it?
I had a really good week. I felt really hopeful and positive. When Kelley had a emotional moment I just felt so much love for her in those moments. I know God was giving me His strength in those moments. And I knew that we could handle whatever was thrown at us. We have so much support around us from family and friends. And I know that we are loved so deeply by God and those around us. It carries all of us.
But today was a downer for me most of the day. I was sad and could not seem to pull out of it. At one point I could feel a good cry welling up within me but never had the opportunity to let it go. I have a feeling it will be returning at some point. Hopefully I will be somewhere that I can let it loose. It's funny how not too long ago I would feel like a little girl if I wanted to cry but now I don't really care. I mean I am not about to do it at work or in a real public place but pretty much anywhere else I would be OK with it. Which is a major improvement for me. I realize keeping all that emotion bottled up is not good for me.
I do feel as if I over react sometimes when the girls argue with one another. At moments I feel really angry that they won't put aside the petty things they argue about. I want to say things like can't you get along for your mother's sake. Thank goodness I haven't let something like that slip out of my mouth. I have to take a few deep breaths and remember that they are going through this as well and no matter how good they seem to be handling it they have a lot of emotions about what is happening. I do feel guilty at times because I spend so much time thinking about Kelley and what she is going through I forget they are having struggles. They are such wonderful girls. I wish I was better at being there for them. Maybe through this I can learn to show them how I care better than I have in the past. That would be a positive from this negative situation.
I titled this post "I am Joining the Pink Mafia" because I want to kill breast cancer. However, I am thinking we might be better served promoting health and prevention. In many case we can kill breast cancer. But the treatment seems to be almost as scary as death. I know that we are so much more than our physical bodies. But for a woman to lose her breasts, her hair and suffer all the sickness and pain to kill that cancer is an incredibly taxing emotional and physical toll. I have been doing a lot of research about breast cancer and one of the most notable links is a high fat and low fiber diet. The US has the highest incidence of breast cancer in the world and the highest fat intake per capita in the world. Let's eat a little more fruit, a little less meat and french fries, and "Save the Ta Tas".
I had a really good week. I felt really hopeful and positive. When Kelley had a emotional moment I just felt so much love for her in those moments. I know God was giving me His strength in those moments. And I knew that we could handle whatever was thrown at us. We have so much support around us from family and friends. And I know that we are loved so deeply by God and those around us. It carries all of us.
But today was a downer for me most of the day. I was sad and could not seem to pull out of it. At one point I could feel a good cry welling up within me but never had the opportunity to let it go. I have a feeling it will be returning at some point. Hopefully I will be somewhere that I can let it loose. It's funny how not too long ago I would feel like a little girl if I wanted to cry but now I don't really care. I mean I am not about to do it at work or in a real public place but pretty much anywhere else I would be OK with it. Which is a major improvement for me. I realize keeping all that emotion bottled up is not good for me.
I do feel as if I over react sometimes when the girls argue with one another. At moments I feel really angry that they won't put aside the petty things they argue about. I want to say things like can't you get along for your mother's sake. Thank goodness I haven't let something like that slip out of my mouth. I have to take a few deep breaths and remember that they are going through this as well and no matter how good they seem to be handling it they have a lot of emotions about what is happening. I do feel guilty at times because I spend so much time thinking about Kelley and what she is going through I forget they are having struggles. They are such wonderful girls. I wish I was better at being there for them. Maybe through this I can learn to show them how I care better than I have in the past. That would be a positive from this negative situation.
I titled this post "I am Joining the Pink Mafia" because I want to kill breast cancer. However, I am thinking we might be better served promoting health and prevention. In many case we can kill breast cancer. But the treatment seems to be almost as scary as death. I know that we are so much more than our physical bodies. But for a woman to lose her breasts, her hair and suffer all the sickness and pain to kill that cancer is an incredibly taxing emotional and physical toll. I have been doing a lot of research about breast cancer and one of the most notable links is a high fat and low fiber diet. The US has the highest incidence of breast cancer in the world and the highest fat intake per capita in the world. Let's eat a little more fruit, a little less meat and french fries, and "Save the Ta Tas".
Saturday, April 17, 2010
Events on April 13th
Kelley says.......... Events that occurred on April 13th
The gynecologist scheduled my appointment with the breast surgeon for me. My original appointment was for April 21st at 7:00 am. But they called me the next morning after having scheduled the original appointment to tell me they wanted me to come in on April 15th at 6:00 in the evening. I was still thinking at this time that I just COULD NOT believe this. Surely I don’t have cancer, how can this be possible. I am too young, why? I just couldn’t make any sense of it. I wouldn’t say I was full of fear or worrisome thoughts or anything like that. I just had so many questions. I was just anxious and afraid. The questions were coming into my head so fast that I didn’t have time to get consumed with what the answers to those questions might be.
One thing at this point I did know was that God was going to use this. I just started at that moment to pray that whatever purpose this is for would ultimately be accomplished. I know when I lost my child and then when I lost my mom that it was only by the grace of God that I got through it.
Deryl says.......... This was the worst day for me. I was driving to work alone in the car. All I could think of was what if this is worse than I think? I mean I didn't think this would be cancer. Did I have a part to play in this? I had done a lot of research and read how diet and stress were major factors in cancer. I had known this before and we had discussed changing our diet but we never made any significant changes. Why didn't I push us harder towards a healthy diet? Did my forgetfulness add to her stress? Emotionally I was just hanging on by a thread.
At work I felt useless. I couldn't make any sales calls. I couldn't focus on my work. I found myself doing internet research on cancer. I managed to get a few productive things done but it was difficult to think about anything other than Kelley, Heather, Rachel, and cancer.
I went to lunch but couldn't eat. I went to the bookstore to do some research. I could feel the fear and sadness swelling up inside of me and it stuck in my throat. I almost ran to my car and as soon as I sat down I broke down. I cried so hard I felt as if I was going to throw up. My head was throbbing and my throat was sore and I had only been crying for a couple of minutes. Just then I got a phone call. It was Kelley. As soon as I saw her name on my phone I busted out laughing. God was looking out for me in that moment. I don't remember much of our conversation other than me telling Kelley how I had just finished crying my eyes out. She laughed and said she was glad she could be there for me.
From that moment on I felt better. I was more hopeful and positive. I was glad I was in that place when I called my parents to give them the news. Dad didn't cry but I heard his voice crack and all the positive emotion that was normally in his voice seemed to drain out immediately. Mom was strong at first but was in tears by the end of our call.
It is almost more difficult to tell your loved ones the news than it is to hear it yourself. I mean how do you tell someone your wife has cancer. They want to be supportive for you but they are in shock so you feel as if you need to be supportive for them. There are so many people you feel should hear this news from you but your mind is so busy it becomes easy for important people to slip your mind. Breaking the news became a very emotional chore, especially for Kelley who has such strong empathy for others. We want to keep everyone informed but calling everyone after ever stage of this journey would be too emotionally taxing. That is why we came up with the idea of this blog. It will keep everyone informed and be therapeutic for us.
Many of you who know me know that I am a spiritual person. We are a part of a church that really exemplifies the love of God. Being a part of this family, because it is more like a family than a church, has been so good for us. I believe with all my heart that God loves everyone of us just as we are right now. And we have experienced His love through this challenge. I have felt it directly in my heart and especially through others. They have showered us with love, encouraging words, and kind acts (Colleen your chicken pot-pie was yummy). I feel so grateful to God for all of our family and friends. It saddens me to think of others that go through this without experiencing God's love or having the support of your friends and family. Thank you God for all of these people you have placed around us.
The gynecologist scheduled my appointment with the breast surgeon for me. My original appointment was for April 21st at 7:00 am. But they called me the next morning after having scheduled the original appointment to tell me they wanted me to come in on April 15th at 6:00 in the evening. I was still thinking at this time that I just COULD NOT believe this. Surely I don’t have cancer, how can this be possible. I am too young, why? I just couldn’t make any sense of it. I wouldn’t say I was full of fear or worrisome thoughts or anything like that. I just had so many questions. I was just anxious and afraid. The questions were coming into my head so fast that I didn’t have time to get consumed with what the answers to those questions might be.
One thing at this point I did know was that God was going to use this. I just started at that moment to pray that whatever purpose this is for would ultimately be accomplished. I know when I lost my child and then when I lost my mom that it was only by the grace of God that I got through it.
Deryl says.......... This was the worst day for me. I was driving to work alone in the car. All I could think of was what if this is worse than I think? I mean I didn't think this would be cancer. Did I have a part to play in this? I had done a lot of research and read how diet and stress were major factors in cancer. I had known this before and we had discussed changing our diet but we never made any significant changes. Why didn't I push us harder towards a healthy diet? Did my forgetfulness add to her stress? Emotionally I was just hanging on by a thread.
At work I felt useless. I couldn't make any sales calls. I couldn't focus on my work. I found myself doing internet research on cancer. I managed to get a few productive things done but it was difficult to think about anything other than Kelley, Heather, Rachel, and cancer.
I went to lunch but couldn't eat. I went to the bookstore to do some research. I could feel the fear and sadness swelling up inside of me and it stuck in my throat. I almost ran to my car and as soon as I sat down I broke down. I cried so hard I felt as if I was going to throw up. My head was throbbing and my throat was sore and I had only been crying for a couple of minutes. Just then I got a phone call. It was Kelley. As soon as I saw her name on my phone I busted out laughing. God was looking out for me in that moment. I don't remember much of our conversation other than me telling Kelley how I had just finished crying my eyes out. She laughed and said she was glad she could be there for me.
From that moment on I felt better. I was more hopeful and positive. I was glad I was in that place when I called my parents to give them the news. Dad didn't cry but I heard his voice crack and all the positive emotion that was normally in his voice seemed to drain out immediately. Mom was strong at first but was in tears by the end of our call.
It is almost more difficult to tell your loved ones the news than it is to hear it yourself. I mean how do you tell someone your wife has cancer. They want to be supportive for you but they are in shock so you feel as if you need to be supportive for them. There are so many people you feel should hear this news from you but your mind is so busy it becomes easy for important people to slip your mind. Breaking the news became a very emotional chore, especially for Kelley who has such strong empathy for others. We want to keep everyone informed but calling everyone after ever stage of this journey would be too emotionally taxing. That is why we came up with the idea of this blog. It will keep everyone informed and be therapeutic for us.
Many of you who know me know that I am a spiritual person. We are a part of a church that really exemplifies the love of God. Being a part of this family, because it is more like a family than a church, has been so good for us. I believe with all my heart that God loves everyone of us just as we are right now. And we have experienced His love through this challenge. I have felt it directly in my heart and especially through others. They have showered us with love, encouraging words, and kind acts (Colleen your chicken pot-pie was yummy). I feel so grateful to God for all of our family and friends. It saddens me to think of others that go through this without experiencing God's love or having the support of your friends and family. Thank you God for all of these people you have placed around us.
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