Girl please, you know your name is Jezebel!!

I may not be a lot of things but one thing I know for sure is that I am very self-aware. I enjoy reflecting on where I'm at and trying to seek The Lord on how I can be better in that area.

I was doing some of that reflecting earlier this week. A guy at work had been gone for a few days and the second me and co-worker saw him walk in, we didn't even say hello, we just started telling him what we needed. His response was, "Wow, so I don't even get an I miss you or anything? Y'all just want me to do stuff?"

Immediately at that very moment I realized that that was exactly what I did to my husband quite frequently. I'd go as far to say maybe over 70% of the time. 

Now that I am single, there are guys everywhere that are so flirty. And which ones are the worst offenders? All the married guys. I'm always interested in knowing why they do this. I know it's what my husband did and I know it's rampant in the workplace.

When posed this question, the answer is always the same. They say because they can just have a normal conversation and not have to talk about work and bills and stressful stuff AND that they feel like you care and are genuinely interested in what they are saying. 

That got me to thinking. And ya know, I could rip a guy to shreds over that kind of response. But you know what? Instead, I took it to heart. So if you are married, acknowledge your husband. Listen to what they say with your full attention, let them unwind and chill out for a little bit when they get home. 

Learn from my own mistakes, take it upon YOURSELF to step up and do the right thing without waiting for them to...just be the bigger person.

Don't be a hard headed beotch and wait until its too late to fix it. Don't let that ever controlling, manipulating, scheming, "Jezebel" side of you win!! Don't pay ALL your attention to everything their doing wrong, which could be a whole laundry list, but focus on YOUR part and do what YOU can do. Then, let God take care of the rest!!

Life, Kelley, and Cake.....All Sweet Things!

Deryl says......It has been a while since I have blogged anything. I think it may be because I am not as emotionally wrecked anymore. We are in the final phase of treatment and once chemo is over we are done. So since there are no more unknowns as far as treatment goes I feel as if we have survived the hardest parts. Kelley's attitude during this whole process has definitely made it easier for me to handle. My biggest concern all along was how she would react to losing her hair. So when she decided to shave it before it fell out I knew she was going to be fine. The fact that she was not clinging to anything and just accepting the situation for what it was has made it easier for everyone.
You have probably seen the pictures and can tell that she has a buzz cut at the moment. Well, her hair started falling out today. And instead of freaking she decided to shave the letter "K" on the side of her head before it all fell out. She was in the bathroom and came out to surprise me with the letter on the side of her head. But there was one slight little problem. Since she shaved the letter in the mirror when she came out and showed it to me it was a backwards "K". I wondered if she meant to do it that way so I asked her if she knew it was backwards. She just said "Oh my gosh!" and busted out laughing. We were both laughing until we were crying. We were laughing so hard that my daughter Heather ran into the room to find out what was going on. It is moments like that when I am so proud to be married to Kelley. She has never thought of herself as inspirational or even exceptional in any way. But I think she is finally getting a glimpse of how special she really is. The person that I have always known her to be. Although she has changed the only thing that has really changed is her recognition of her own strength and beauty.
I am so happy to see her realize just how much God loves her. Loving her so much that he would allow something like this in her life at this young age rather than let her live any longer thinking she was weak or not good enough. She is and has always been more than good enough. Finally she and everyone else is seeing the secret that God and I have known for so many years. That Kelley McElreath is a strong, wise, loving, and inspirational woman. A woman that has experienced so much trial and tribulation in her young life yet can laugh at herself. A woman who can look at the possibility of death and not become bitter and ask "why me?". A woman who can lose a child and a mother at a young age and not hold a grudge against God or life.
She has always amazed me and she just amazes me more everyday. I am so fortunate. I have a wonderful life. It is not perfect by any means and there are things that I want to change. But if this is as good as it ever gets I have no right to complain. I am blessed beyond measure in the places it matters most. In my soul and my spirit. I am loved and adored by my God, my wife, and my daughters. All of whom I adore back in equal measure. Anymore would just be icing on the cake.

Gratitude

Deryl says........Kelley had her first chemo treatment today. She has been handling it pretty well so far. She has had a little nausea and has felt a little drained energy-wise. But so far so good. Of course it has been less than 8 hours since she finished but we can be grateful for the happenings of today. Last week when we went to chemo class I left there kind of scared and a little angry. I found myself in kind of a foul mood for a couple of days. Then had a good weekend but Monday I was feeling kind of pissy again. I just let myself feel it for awhile and got it out of my system. I finally came to a place of acceptance. I felt prepared for what is coming ever since. I had a great rest of the week. Kelley and I had a wonderful day yesterday and we both felt peace. Then this morning came and Kelley was getting a little tense. I could feel some tension within as well but it was very little and did not last very long.
In some ways this process has been very good for us. Kelley and I were discussing how we both feel as if our hearts have opened wider. We both feel more loving and accepting of others and even loving and accepting of this situation. For me the biggest change has come in the area of emotions. I have been able to allow myself to feel whatever it is that I feel in any given moment and express it. And most of the time I feel I express my emotions in a healthy way. I may snap at my kids a little too much and sulk a little too long. But I allow myself to feel and that has opened my heart. I know it sounds kind of sappy and almost feminine. And not too long ago I would have been embarrassed to write this for all to see or even to cry or voice my fears in front of my family. But the more I feel the freer I feel inside. And I see the same thing happening in Kelley.
Kelley has taken a situation that could have hardened her towards life and she has let it soften her. She tells her friends that she loves them and really means it. She could not have done that last year. I admire her bravery so much. She doesn't see it as bravery but it is. I mean who shaves their head before their hair falls out. And not just that but instead of just shaving her hair, she turns it into to hair fashion night where she will get to try on several different haircuts before she goes bald. I mean that is brilliant!
I know we have a tough road ahead of us yet I am grateful. I am grateful for all of the wonderful friends that visited us today. The friends who have done things like clean our house, mow our lawn, and cook meals for us. That is God pouring out His magnificent love on us through other people. How can I not be grateful with incredible, unending love like that. I hope I never forget.

Fear and Love

Deryl says........We went "chemo class" the other day. Which was informative and scary. As I have mentioned before, the thing about cancer is that the treatment is just as scary as the disease itself. So for those of you who don't understand how chemo works I will give you a brief and unscientific explanation. In essence they give you poison that kills the cancer cells in your body. It also kills a lot of the good cells in your body. The goal of chemo is to give you enough poison to kill the cancer but not enough to kill you or cause permanent damage. So we are really looking forward to that.
They also told us that Kelley's immune system would be severely depressed. So much so that we must keep everything in the house disinfected constantly, that Kelley should not touch things that are handled by many people such as a grocery cart, and if she gets a fever of 100.5 or more she needs to go to the emergency room immediately. If she has a fever of any kind we must call the doctor immediately as well. Good times.
To complete the trifecta of fun Kelley was informed that she would lose all of her hair somewhere between day 2 and day 20. We were already aware that she was going to lose her hair but hearing it so "matter of factually" from that nurse suddenly kind of struck the nail all the way in, so to speak. I don't care if Kelley is bald forever. I am not in love with her hair. But I do know that it is going to affect her emotionally. How could it not? I thought about what it would be like to lose all of my hair and the thought of it made me very uncomfortable. And I am a guy! We lose our hair all the time with no medical assistance whatsoever. But when a woman loses her hair it is like losing a part of her femininity. I think even more so than her breasts. And even though it will come back it is traumatic. This is what Kelley feared the most when we received this diagnosis. It pains me to see her in anguish over this and the many other concerns she has about this situation. But I have also witnessed her grow and let go of things that she never would have been able to let go of in the past. Just in the last few days her faith has grown. She has really embraced this "believing before seeing" concept she wrote about earlier.
So my biggest fear in all this is Kelley getting some type of infection while undergoing chemo and her emotional reaction to losing her hair. So I could use your prayers in that area. I am not much of a worrier so if I am worrying it is usually very serious.
During this time I have spent a lot of time contemplating love and specifically God's love. You could sit around and say why me in a situation like this or you can just trust in the love of God. Jesus said you can sum up the entire bible in the following statement - love God, love your neighbor, love yourself. Seems pretty simple in theory but in practice we make it difficult. I mean how do you love God? How do you demonstrate it? Well, I can try to communicate with Him through prayer, meditation, and contemplation. How is there love without communication right? Jesus said "if you love me you will obey my commands". But I don't see that as following all the commands of the bible. Many people try to do that without any real love in their heart. They do it out of fear. I think Jesus was really talking about when you hear him within. When he is trying to guide you through life. That little voice or tug in a certain direction that you can listen to or ignore it like I did with the vegetarian thing.

Another thing that came to me while I was contemplating this was that we could love God by simply choosing to see things different than we do now. My pastor was telling the story of Adam and Eve last Sunday. He said something that really stuck with me. What he said was that when God placed Adam and Eve in the Garden of Eden he said they could have everything in the Garden except this one thing. They could eat the fruit of every tree except one. It doesn't say how many trees they could choose to eat from but I imagine it was hundreds or even thousands. But someone pointed out this one thing that they could not have and all of a sudden that was all they could see. In that moment they could no longer see everything that was available to them. All of the abundance and good things God had given them was lost in their eyes. They saw the one thing they didn't have and said that thing will make my life better if only I could have it. Well you probably know the rest of the story. But what really stood out to me from that story was how that seems to be the source of the problem of most people. We get focused on how life will be so much better when we get this or that. My life will be better if I had more money, better health, a wife, a husband, a baby, etc. And we totally lose site of everything we have available to us now. Our family, our friends, our job, our life, our breath. If you are able to read this blog right now you can be grateful for a computer, internet access, your sight, not having cancer. There is so much to be thankful for in this moment right now.
If we can begin to see that God has provided every good thing in our life it will increase the love in our hearts. When we receive the money we need and instead of just seeing the money see the one who gave it to us and be thankful. Then our hearts will be full. We will begin to see more of the blessings in our lives. And the things that we lack and think we need will become less important.
Yes my wife has cancer. And yes I would prefer that she didn't. But I have my wife right now. And I don't know if that will always be the case. I am grateful to have found someone that I love so much and that loves me just as much. I have someone that treats me with love and respect and loves me in spite of my many flaws. And I have her right now. I could lose her tomorrow or 50 years from now but fretting about it today only diminishes the gratitude and love I could be feeling and sharing. We don't worry and love at the same time. We cannot feel fear and gratitude in the same moment. So at this moment I am choosing to see the good and thank God for it. That is one way I can love God. I hope this doesn't come across as preachy as I am writing this to myself more than anything else. But if it helps anyone else then that is a bonus.
I don't know if I would be spending all of this time thinking about God and His love if I was not in this situation. But it is changing me for the better.

I'm with Einstein

Deryl says.........I have had a very solemn day today. I am normally very happy-go-lucky and sail through life with my head in the clouds. But today I have been pondering deeply the things of life. The thing is that at different times of my life it has felt very difficult. But in most cases it was my own direct actions that caused my difficult circumstances. But now I feel as if I am in difficult circumstances that are not of my own doing. But then I wonder did I do anything to contribute to this? I mean I know I did not give Kelley cancer. But did I make lifestyle choices that contributed to it? I mean Kelley wanted me to become a vegetarian many years ago and I told her I would never in my life give up steak. But I felt a tug within to do it. I knew it would make me healthier and Kelley healthier. But I wanted what I wanted. So now all these years later I am happily a vegetarian. I want to make it easier for Kelley and the girls to eat healthy. I never want to see anyone with cancer again. I read a study that showed that the US has the highest rate of breast cancer in the world and we also eat the highest percentage of animal fat and processed foods in our diets of any country in the world. And the study showed a correlation between diet and breast cancer. Japan had the lowest rate of breast cancer and also had the lowest percentage of animal fat and processed foods in their diet. So it appears that my choices have influenced to some degree what we are experiencing now. I am not blaming myself for this. I know Kelley is her own person and could have chosen differently. I also don't know if we had become vegetarians back then that she wouldn't still have cancer now. But what I do know is that there was a part of me that nudged me in that direction and I ignored it. I am not casting blame on myself or anyone else. I am simply stating that I have been pondering how something so seemingly insignificant could possibly have significant outcomes. That when that little voice inside nudges you to do something you know is good for you or your loved ones but you ignore it what are the consequences.
I call that little voice God. And I am paying a lot more attention to that voice than I did before. It is funny how impossible it seemed to give up meat before and how incredibly easy it is now. What changed? My thoughts are the only thing different. I still desired to eat meat when I first started and I still crave it sometimes. But the longer I don't eat it the less I think about eating it.
Life is precious and wonderful even in the hard times because it is a miracle. Einstein once said "in life you either see everything as a miracle or nothing as a miracle". I hope you see it as a miracle. There is no timetable for any of us. Kelley had a son that died at 3 months old and a mother who died at 53. I have a grandmother that is still alive and kicking at 92. Who decides these things? Is it God that takes a son and a mother early and let's someone else live past 100? I mean Kelley's son sure didn't make a choice that took his own life. The point is you can drive your self crazy trying to figure it out or you can take the advice of St. Paul who said "whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is of good report think on these things". Now is always the only moment you have to work with even when planning for the future you are doing it now. So take full advantage of the current moment. Life is always shorter than we expect. Do whatever you are doing with your whole heart and mind. Love life and life will love you back. It is a lesson that comes alive when the reality of death has been placed before you.

Love Revolution Baby!

Deryl says......It was nice to be able to go back to work at the office this past week. It offer some sense of normalcy which for some reason brings a little comfort. Kelley is no longer suffering intense pain everyday. She is able to do more and more for herself which I know makes her feel better. Kelley has said all along that she was not real concerned about losing hers boobs. But it is starting to affect her now. She knows how much I love her and that I don't care but breasts are a symbol of womanhood. How can it not affect you when you lose them?
Kelley has handled this situation so amazingly well. She has a very emotional day about every 4 to 5 days. But she allows herself to feel what she is feeling and expresses it to those she loves and trusts verbally and shares much of it on this blog. Sometimes she will try to get down on herself for getting into a negative emotional state. But how could you not? Can you imagine anyone having any part of their body completely removed and not suffering through some kind of grieving process. I know I have felt my own grief through this and my body is still intact.
The thing about going through something like this is that it can actually allow you to deal with emotional wounds of the past as well. You are going to suffer through fear, anger, and pain when your family is battling cancer. So why not use that fear, anger, and pain to heal past hurts. Kelley mentioned that she was a life coach in her previous post (which was so moving and profound). I am a life coach as well. Kelley and I went through the same coaching program as clients and students together. Without being a client and then a coach I don't think either one of us could handle this situation as we have. The fact that I have allowed myself to weep openly and discuss it with others and even weep in front of others is such a huge step forward for me. Before I would have thought in my mind "quit acting like a girl". When the reality is it would greatly benefit many of us men to act a little more like girls when it comes to knowing and expressing our emotions. There was a time when something would be bothering me and Kelley would ask me what is wrong. I would always say "nothing". Because I was not even aware of the emotions I was feeling at the moment. Kelley would continue to question me about my day and would wind up discovering exactly what I was upset about. She would wind up saying something like "Deryl you are mad because your boss didn't go with your idea" or something similar. And I would realize she was exactly right. She could pinpoint my emotions better than I could myself. That is great if you have a wife that can do that and if she could be with you every second of the day. I am not an expert yet in recognizing and expressing my emotions but I am much better. And I can tell you life is much easier to handle when you express what you are feeling in a healthy and appropriate way.
I think in the past, on some level, I was afraid that if I acknowledged and expressed my feelings it would cause a flood of emotion I could not control. I thought that was weak and unmanly. I also feared I would hurt someone else with my expression of emotion. The thing is when I tried to keep it all in I was hurting myself and I would still hurt others. Because if you live with someone and are with them everyday you are at some point going to hurt their feelings. But by acknowledging how you feel and expressing it in a healthy way you will hurt them less and less often and become more healthy yourself.
I am a work in progress. As you can tell from my previous posts I still snap at my family sometimes and then feel guilty for it afterward. But I am getting better. And that is the key.
One thing that I have discovered and experienced at a deeper level than ever is the love of God and the love of others. Experiencing love either internally or through the actions of others and realizing that nothing in return is expected from you is revolutionary to your life. Then when your opportunity to love someone else presents itself it is so easy when you feel loved. It is as if your love for another has multiplied.
As I write this the macho side of me is saying what a bunch of mushy drivel. But that macho side of me is the side that directed me to actions that were destructive to myself and others. Anyone who knew me in high school and into my mid-twenties knows exactly what kind of behaviors I am referring to. I am not saying that men should not be masculine. I still love football and a good action movie. But men would be well served to redefine what masculinity means to them. Womanizing, stoic, emotionally distant, physically tough and superior to others are the types of definitions of manhood that are antiquated and should be obsolete. There is nothing more masculine than caring for your loved ones in a way that allows them to feel your love for them.
The place to start is to know and experience God's intense love for you. You do not have to be better for God to love you. You do not have to change for God to love you. You have not done anything in your past that has caused God to cease loving you. God forgives you before you even ask because he was never angry with you. God  only wants the best for you and wants you to experience that love in a real and tangible way. I can tell you that He will do it if you will allow Him. I have done some despicable things in my past. Yet I can feel God's overwhelming love for me today. I have tried to fill up the emptiness in side with substances, things, and shallow relationships. I have lived what some would think is a dream life. I lived in the Cayman Islands right on the water. I made more money than I needed and had many short relationships with beautiful women. I had parties all the time and had many friends. Yet I can recall laying on the beach with a pretty girl staring at the stars and thinking to myself "Is this all there is?" I had some worthwhile and valuable experiences during that time as well. But so much of my time was consumed with trying to fill this internal void and I didn't even know I was doing it at the time. But the past no longer exists. It only exists in my mind when I remember it. Kelley mentioned in her post that we spend too much time looking behind us. We drag our past into our present and we see things today through the lens of our yesterdays. Today is all you have. This present moment is the only moment you can do anything with. You can plan actions for the future but when you act it is in the present moment. Let us bring our full attention to this moment and let go of our past. God chooses not to remember it so why should we. By letting go of our past we can bring our complete love an attention into this moment of life and pour out that love in every opportunity that presents itself to us. God loves me so that I can love you. I am starting a Love Revolution. Will you join me?

Smile

Kelley says..............


I have heard the song "Smile" by Uncle Kracker many times. I was listening to my MP3 player the day I went in to the hospital and right before my first procedure I "really" listened to it. I listened to all the words. Every word was how I feel about Deryl. They were about to wheel me away and I handed my MP3 player to Deryl and told him to listen to it, that it was my new song to him.


Oh how I wish I could find a way to get paid to love him. I would make so much money. He is my everything. I am beyond blessed that he is my husband. I have never done anything in my entire life to deserve him. He is complete greatness. Before this new journey in my life I didn't think there was any way possible for me to love him more. But I do. We love spending every waking moment together but I cherish him so much. I am honored to be his wife and the mother of his children. And above all, we are very best friends. We know things about each other that no other soul on this planet knows! And yet we still love and respect one another.


So, I wanted to share the song with all of you. You can listen along if you like, I posted the song in the top left corner of my blog. Let me know what you think!


"SMILE" by Uncle Kracker Lyrics


You're better then the best
I'm lucky just to linger in your light
Cooler then the flip side of my pillow, that's right
Completely unaware
Nothing can compare to where you send me,
Lets me know that it's ok, yeah it's ok
And the moments where my good times start to fade


You make me smile like the sun
Fall out of bed, sing like bird
Dizzy in my head, spin like a record
Crazy on a Sunday night
You make me dance like a fool
Forget how to breathe
Shine like gold, buzz like a bee
Just the thought of you can drive me wild
Ohh, you make me smile


Even when you're gone
Somehow you come along
Just like a flower poking the sidewalk crack and just like that
You steal away the rain and just like that


You make me smile like the sun
Fall out of bed, sing like bird
Dizzy in my head, spin like a record
Crazy on a Sunday night
You make me dance like a fool
Forget how to breathe
Shine like gold, buzz like a bee
Just the thought of you can drive me wild
Ohh, you make me smile


Don't know how I lived without you
Cuz everytime that I get around you
I see the best of me inside your eyes
You make me smile
You make me dance like a fool
Forget how to breathe
Shine like gold, buzz like a bee
Just the thought of you can drive me wild


You make me smile like the sun
Fall out of bed, sing like bird
Dizzy in my head, spin like a record
Crazy on a Sunday night
You make me dance like a fool
Forget how to breathe
Shine like gold, buzz like a bee
Just the thought of you can drive me wild
Ohh, you make me smile

Friends, Family, and......DrainTubes? :)

Deryl says.........While I wouldn't wish this journey on anyone at this point I would not trade it for the things we have gained so far. It has been difficult many times and emotionally draining. The thing that has been so amazing and inspiring to me is how much Kelley and I have changed for the better as a result of this experience. I have mentioned some of them before but the increased level of love and openness to others has been a true blessing. It is so much more difficult to judge others now. I considered myself a pretty non-judgmental person before but I have discovered new love and respect for the journey of others that I did not have before. Plus the opportunity to serve my wife and show her how much I love her has only increased my love for her. Then the girls have been amazing. They are such wonderful caretakers of their mommy. I know I have had struggles with their conflicts and my reactions in the past but they have matured to a new level overnight it seems. I am so proud of how they have handled this situation.
Then our family and friends have been so loving and supportive. As Kelley mentioned in her previous post all of the acts of care and support have meant so much to us and helped us through this. We have made some new friends that are more like angels. They have walked with us through every difficult moment coming to our house early in the morning or late at night when needed. We can just feel their love for us every time we are with them and we love them with all of our hearts. Jesus said that there is no greater love than a man lay down his life for his brother. And they have laid down their life for us over and over again. Of course they have not died but they have set aside their lives and all the things going on in their lives for us at the drop of a hat. Like I said they are more like angels.
Even our relationship with my mother and sister has gone to a new level. They have been so encouraging and kind. I am so grateful for them. And so proud of my sister who got her college degree a couple of weeks ago. Way to go sis!
We have our moments when the reality of what is happening hits us. And when it does it is painful and scary. The first time Kelley tried to bathe and realized she could not do it by herself was a tough moment for her. My inability to sleep the first several nights she was home was very draining. But through it all we have all been very patient and kind with one another. I think that we are able to do that because we have allowed one another to take care of ourselves and re-energize when we needed it. I have been able to get the girls out of the house a few times which has helped. Kelley made sure before her surgery that someone could come stay with her while I got to go out to our weekly movie night with the guys from church. And Kelley has just been so grateful to us and so liberal with her praise of me and the girls it makes it really easy to take care of her. She is a good patient!
My biggest concern through this whole thing was how Kelley would react to the sight of her post surgery body. I was very fearful that it would cause her to be very insecure but she handled it so well. There are still a lot of moments of fear. Any pain in a new place or anything else out of the ordinary makes you wonder if it is cancer somewhere else. Fortunately that is happening less and less.
Kelley's sense of humor in the midst of this has been inspiring. We were walking around the block yesterday and Heather was complaining that her ankle was hurting and Kelley looked at her and with a big smile on her face said "hey at least you still have boobs!". She got out of the shower today after taking a shower by herself for the first time and did a little dance and called it her "drain tube dance". If you have ever experienced drain tubes in your body you know it is not a fun or comfortable experience. I won't go into detail but in effect Kelley has 4 tubes in her body that protrude through her skin and out of her body and end in a clear plastic bulb. They are usually kept in the pockets of this special camisole but when she takes a shower they are clipped onto a lanyard that hangs around her neck and dangle in front of her. So when she does her dance they sway around in front of her. Now if you knew Kelley before this experience you would know that Kelley does not do things like that. She has been willing to show her surgery site to anyone who has been interested to see, as long as they are female of course. Again this is something she would have never done before. She is not self-conscious like she was before.
We are so fortunate and blessed to have so many who love and care for us. I don't think we would know it as much if not for this challenge in our lives. We still have some hurdles to cross to put this behind us but we are hopeful for the future and grateful for all of you. Much love!

Friendship Quilt

Kelley says......................


Today, a friend of mine came over to sit with me for a few hours. She told me she had brought something for me. She gave me the bag and I pulled out of it this incredible quilt. Not only did she come up with this idea and make it herself but she had my friends write their names or whatever they wanted on pieces that she sewed into it. On the back bottom corner she sewed in a note that I also included a picture of. I will post more pic's on Facebook so you can see better.


There are not many things that bring me to tears. But this sure did. When I looked at this quilt, I just couldn't believe it. I can't even put into words how it made me feel. Wow. God is just so good. I just thought this was the most thoughtful thing in the world! I'll keep it forever. And don't worry, I have about twenty spots left for people to sign if you didn't get to! This will give you a good reason to drop by and say hello and sign my quilt!


I am so very thankful for my family and friends. I can't imagine how anyone goes through something like this without family and especially without a church family. Someone has brought over a meal every night since the day after my surgery. And everything has been wonderful. It has been so nice not to have to worry about what to cook and to have that totally off my plate. So many people have done things that have helped more than I could have ever imagined. Someone came and cleaned my house for me, helping drop off and pick up the girls, throwing me a pajama party, rides to appointments, getting me certain clothes I need, thoughtful gifts, cards, totally organizing the meal drop offs, helping me with my gross drains, helping me wash my hair, calling, texting, e-mailing, messaging, the list could go on forever. 


So I just want you to all know that if you have an idea in your head to do something for someone even if it is something really small or something really big, GO FOR IT!! Because I have to believe that it was God that put all these little ideas in all of your heads to do for us and each and every single one has meant so, so much to me and to my family. I believe the outpouring of your love towards us is speaking volumes to many people who know us personally and many who don't know us at all! I think that sometimes when we have an idea to do something for another person the enemy wants us to think the idea is silly or wouldn't really mean much. Don't let anything stop you! I am learning this myself from all of you. I believe with all of my heart that we all have a very special gift that God has given us. And there isn't another person on the planet that can use that gift the way YOU can. 


Love you all so very much!

Recovery Time

Deryl says.......The whole house is asleep right now. Kelley's sister has left to go home. I was so glad she was here to help. It would have been very overwhelming if she wasn't. The combination of all the tasks that need to be done and emotional nature of the situation could make a person crazy. I don't know how people handle this without help. If it weren't for family and friends this would be so much more difficult than it is.
The hardest part of all this is seeing Kelley suffer whether physical or emotional. I was helping Kelley bathe on Saturday and she started crying. She was upset that she couldn't even bathe herself. I can only imagine how it feels to be that helpless. At least she knows that I don't mind helping. I actually enjoy helping her. She looked at her chest this morning for the first time. That was a moment I was really afraid of. I was afraid she would think she looked like a freak and wonder how I could love her. But she didn't even cry when she saw it. She just said it looked much better than she expected which is exactly what I told her after I saw it. Kelley said it might have been much more difficult if not for our good friend who had already been through this. She informed Kelley of all the things she could expect to see, hear, and feel while enduring this process. So there have not been any real surprises for Kelley. And that definitely has made it easier for her.
Kelley told me that my reaction when I first saw her without the bandages has made it easier as well. I was really happy to hear that because I was very concerned about it. I did not want to react in a way that would concern her or make her feel bad. It is not that I was concerned that I would be repulsed. My concern was if it looked like it would be very painful or if it looked like it would cause her to hate the way she looked to herself. I was afraid that if it looked that way I might cry. And even though it would be a cry for her she might read it completely different. The great thing is when I saw her without bandages for the first time I didn't even have time to think about my reaction. Which, she told me, made it even more comforting for her. That is a moment I will always be grateful for because it has made such a positive impact on Kelley.
I can see that Heather and Rachel are going to need to get out of the house more. They are used to being out and about much more than they have been over the last few days. I don't want them to wind up going stir crazy. But they have been very helpful and sweet. I am so very grateful for that.

As for me, I am tired. But I am also hopeful. This won't last forever and knowing Kelley is cancer free is very comforting. We will still have to see an oncologist to find out if she will require chemo or not. Hopefully not but we will cross that bridge when we get there. Right now all the focus is on getting Kelley back to being the energetic wife and mother she was before.

Bye Bye Boobies

Deryl says........Well tomorrow is the day. I am surprisingly calm at the moment. I have been very nervous the last couple of days. They gave Kelley some xanax for the anxiety. I should have asked for some as well. I didn't sleep well last night. I don't know if I will be able to sleep at all tonight. It is scary to know what she is going to go through. I feel the most anxiety when I imagine what it must be like to be in her shoes. She is so strong it amazes me.

She came home from the plastic surgeon today and the surgeon had drawn all over her boobs with a permanent purple marker. She has to take a shower tonight and when she is done I am charged with the task of redrawing those lines for her. I asked if I could color them in as well but she said no. I was thinking that it might be fun to draw on her on a regular basis. She could be my canvas! Well, I like the idea but we will see if she does when all of this is over.

We have had a lot of laughter tonight. Kelley's sister is here and our friend Naomi from Oklahoma is here as well. It is moments like this when I cherish family and friends most. Why do we need a crisis to bring everyone together. Even though I have been nervous and Kelley has had her emotional moments this has been a great week. The friends who have been there for us in so many ways has been so humbling. Just laughing and hanging out together at our "Screw Cancer" party. I have loved it. There is so much to be grateful for. It is so much more obvious now. I knew it before but I notice it more often these days. The company I work for is so great. They are letting me work from home while Kelley is recovering. They have been so understanding when I have had to go to doctor after doctor with Kelley. If you are ever looking for a good company to work for I highly recommend Nationstar Mortgage. I think you can tell a lot about a person or an organization by how they treat you in a time of trouble and my company has been nothing but supportive and understanding.

Well my wife is never going to look the same after tomorrow. I have thought about that quite a bit. I have wondered to myself if it was going to bother me at all. But all need is one look at her smiling face to know I could say bye bye boobies forever without one regret. Kelley is not her body. Her looks may be what attracted me to her initially but you cannot stay happily married for 15+ years when your relationship is based on looks. She is an exceptional woman. She has been through so much in her life. She really deserves a break. You would never know that she was raised in poverty by a single mother, lost her 3 month old son to SIDS when she was a teen, lost her mother to cancer when her mother was 53, and is now battling the very same disease that took her mother's life. If you know Kelley you would know that she doesn't live back there in the difficult places of the past. She lives in the moment now more than ever. She is an inspiration to all who know her. I feel honored to be her husband. She feels things so deeply. When she loves someone she love them with all her soul. When she cares for someone she cares sincerely with all her heart. She empathizes so deeply she has to be careful what she gets involved in as it can overwhelm her emotionally. She love all those crazy ladies from her womens group. I don't know what you ladies talk about but I see her smirking and talking on the phone some times to you girls. She will hang up and have a big smile on her face or sometimes tears in her eyes. She tells me she just wants to have an impact on the lives of women. She has obviously been very successful at doing that already.

I think the thing I want to communicate most is that we will be OK. This is not going to be fun. But we will come out on the other side better than we are now. Wear pink tomorrow if you can and please pray for Kelley. Much love!

My Prince Charming

Kelley says...........................................Well, after the creation of this blog I guess the secret is totally out that Deryl totally rocks! It is funny how before I was diagnosed, I didn't ever really feel comfortable telling anyone how truly wonderful he is and how great our marriage is. I mean, we have only met one other couple in our entire marriage that has had a relationship that even comes close to ours. And that is the couple who counseled us early on in our marriage. At times we have said out loud that we have one of the best marriages that we know of but people kind of give us this funny look. I know a lot of people have strained marriages so it is awkward saying how wonderful our marriage is or how amazing Deryl is without feeling bad for the person I would be saying it to.

So, I just feel like now is the time to say it out loud and be proud of how God has blessed me. Besides, I REALLY need to focus on some positive things right now. I think if anything, doing this will give other women hope that their husband truly can be wonderful or if you are single that the best guy for you is worth waiting for.

I imagine what it must be like for someone who maybe doesn't have a great relationship before being diagnosed. I imagine that for a while, their marriage would be a lot better. That the other spouse would be very loving and feel sorry for the way they have acted in the past. But that is not the case here. Deryl was Mr. Husband of the Universe long before my diagnoses. He helps me around the house. He NEVER leaves clothes or underwear laying on the floor. He does anything I ask of him. He puts the girls to bed and prays with them every single night. He spends all of his time with me and the girls. He lets me do whatever I want. He is understanding and patient. He is the kindest most non-judgmental person I have ever met in my entire life. He is the best daddy to my daughters. He loves me deeply. He is Mr. Positivity. He can find a positive way to look at things in any given situation. He loves God and desires to do his will. He calls me many times and texts every single day. He calls me even when he just runs to the store. He lets me do whatever I want. He has worked three jobs at a time before just so I could stay home with our babies. He has worked more than one job on many occasions. He puts up with me!! He tolerates my moodiness. He accepts what little family I do have. He puts me first always. He shows me great respect. He rolls out the red carpet for me. He makes me feel like a princess. He is extremely smart but yet he doesn't act like he's better than anyone else. He honors me in every way. He makes me feel like there is no other woman on this planet that is prettier than me. And did I mention that he lets me do whatever I want?

So as you can see, he indeed is Mr. Wonderful. Our marriage started out rough. But when the couple I mentioned above counseled us, we did everything they told us to do. Whatever they did, we did too because we knew they had something special. One of the biggest pieces to our marriage is that we are always looking for ways to make each other happy. I always wonder what I could do to make Deryl a happier husband. I want him to look forward to coming home at the end of a long day at work. I want my home to be his safe haven. And I know that Deryl does the same thing. We just always look for how we can serve one another rather than ourselves and I am 100% sure that this is the main ingredient for our successful marriage.

I never in a million years thought that I could love Deryl more or that I could have an even greater marriage than I did before. But this disease has brought us even closer together than before. I watched my mom die from this horrible disease with a husband from hell. I don't know how she did it. But I am very, very grateful that I do not have to experience that.

So Deryl, I just want to say thank you a million times over for being my hero husband!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I am a Lover Not a Fighter! ..........medical update included

Deryl says........................................... Well the last two days have pretty much sucked emotionally. I was feeling an overwhelming sadness yesterday that I could not really tie to any one thing. The frustrating thing is that it has been almost two weeks since we were given the "c" word diagnosis and we barely know more than we did then. Although we have had some positive news there is still so much potential negative news it is overwhelming. There are so many results to wait for before a meaningful decision can be made with regard to treatment. It is almost too much to take in. And if it is overwhelming to me I cannot imagine how difficult it is for Kelley. I mean it is her body that they are talking about removing parts from.

I believe that ultimately God will use this situation for good. As I mentioned before I can already see some good coming out of this situation. But I am afraid for my wife. I am sad that she has to go through this. I am fearful of how much she may have to suffer. I want to FIX IT! But I am helpless against this disease. I cannot fight it or kill it. I cannot protect her from it. It makes me feel weak and sad and hurt. I don't want her to have to go through this. I don't want to go through this. But we are already on the train and it is too late to jump off.

On your wedding day most people are so full of love, hope and excitement. In our vows many say "in sickness and in health" as Kelley and I did. I don't know about you but I didn't give those words much consideration. I never saw cancer in our future back then. But it is times like this when you really find out what kind of relationship you have with your spouse. If you have true love for your wife. I am not talking about romantic "you complete me" type of love. I am talking about looking at the worst case scenario. Knowing that she could lose her breasts, lose her hair, and need to be waited on hand and foot for a long time. And then saying to yourself "I am grateful for the opportunity to show my wife how much I truly love her." and really being able to demonstrate it. I mean how often does someone get to prove their love in a way that leaves no doubt. So when this is all said and done and the cancer has been vanquished forever. My wife will be able to look at me and know I truly love her for who she is. But that kind of love is not something that just happens or that we developed because of some special knowledge or skill. It is the love and the grace of God that allows me to accept this situation and love my wife as I do. I am just loving my wife the way God loves me.

I have a great family around me. And I am not just talking blood relatives only. Many old and new friends have already been there for us before we were even able to ask. That makes it hard to stay sad for very long. It will be nice when we are able to have a day without thinking or talking about cancer. Who knows when that will come? In the mean time I plan to stay positive and lean on my family and friends so my wife can lean on me. So how can I complain when we have all these wonderful people around us? So at least I got that going for me? ......which is nice.

Kelley has an MRI tomorrow. They will be looking for any possible additional tumors. They may also be able to tell if there is any cancer in her lymph nodes from the MRI. We may have a change in the date of her surgery because we probably won't get the genetics test back before the surgery at this point. The genetics test will help determine if she has a lumpectomy or a double mastectomy. I will let everyone know what the new date is when it is scheduled if it changes.

I am Joining the Pink Mafia!

Deryl says........................................................... You know there are so many things about this situation that you could call bad. But we really don't know if something is good or bad while we are in the midst of it. We say this situation is bad because that is how it feels right now. But I can already see some good coming out of it. I see Kelley becoming willing to cut loose a little more than she did before. She is letting go of the little things that seemed important before but really weren't. I have a greater appreciation for her. I have always loved her and have been grateful to have her. But it almost seems as if I had been taking her for granted recently. I feel more love and gratitude now than ever to be her husband. It makes me wonder why, if I was capable of greater love and gratitude, did it take something like this for me to realize it?
I had a really good week. I felt really hopeful and positive. When Kelley had a emotional moment I just felt so much love for her in those moments. I know God was giving me His strength in those moments. And I knew that we could handle whatever was thrown at us. We have so much support around us from family and friends. And I know that we are loved so deeply by God and those around us. It carries all of us.
But today was a downer for me most of the day. I was sad and could not seem to pull out of it. At one point I could feel a good cry welling up within me but never had the opportunity to let it go. I have a feeling it will be returning at some point. Hopefully I will be somewhere that I can let it loose. It's funny how not too long ago I would feel like a little girl if I wanted to cry but now I don't really care. I mean I am not about to do it at work or in a real public place but pretty much anywhere else I would be OK with it. Which is a major improvement for me. I realize keeping all that emotion bottled up is not good for me.
I do feel as if I over react sometimes when the girls argue with one another. At moments I feel really angry that they won't put aside the petty things they argue about. I want to say things like can't you get along for your mother's sake. Thank goodness I haven't let something like that slip out of my mouth. I have to take a few deep breaths and remember that they are going through this as well and no matter how good they seem to be handling it they have a lot of emotions about what is happening. I do feel guilty at times because I spend so much time thinking about Kelley and what she is going through I forget they are having struggles. They are such wonderful girls. I wish I was better at being there for them. Maybe through this I can learn to show them how I care better than I have in the past. That would be a positive from this negative situation.
I titled this post "I am Joining the Pink Mafia" because I want to kill breast cancer. However, I am thinking we might be better served promoting health and prevention. In many case we can kill breast cancer. But the treatment seems to be almost as scary as death. I know that we are so much more than our physical bodies. But for a woman to lose her breasts, her hair and suffer all the sickness and pain to kill that cancer is an incredibly taxing emotional and physical toll. I have been doing a lot of research about breast cancer and one of the most notable links is a high fat and low fiber diet. The US has the highest incidence of breast cancer in the world and the highest fat intake per capita in the world. Let's eat a little more fruit, a little less meat and french fries, and "Save the Ta Tas".