Monday, October 25, 2010

October Updates

Kelley says..............

Just wanted to give everyone an update. I'm doing better emotionally. I went and had lunch with another survivor today and that always helps so much. It helps me feel like I'm not alone in this and that I am in fact NOT going crazy. When I am talking with other survivors I feel so much passion inside my heart, I feel so alive and full of hope. I am actually thinking I should start a group of some kind. Not a support group I don't think, they can sometimes be depressing. But a time where we can all get together and just visit.

I have probably about 1/8 of an inch of hair. Woo hoo!! I really wanted to keep it bald until February for an event I am doing but I'm afraid it will just be way too cold. It is super soft. Last night I was holding a sweet newborn baby girl and her hair felt just like mine, only I think hers was a little longer!!

This Wednesday I go in for my 30 day follow-up with the oncologist. Then I won't have to go in for three whole months! My reconstruction surgery has finally been scheduled for November 22nd. It is just day surgery. Please, please, please pray that I DO NOT have to get drain tubes. They told me it is possible I will have to. But that he is really trying to do them less and less. So I am praying and believing that I will NOT have to get them. They were horrible and I can't even begin to say how horrified I would be to wake up from my surgery with them!! They are NOT my friend.

On another note, I have a dream of providing every cancer patient I meet with a hand-made hospital gown. When I was first diagnosed, I picked out the material and a friend of mine sewed it for me. I just loved it every time I went for an appointment and had my own pretty gown. When I went for my breast MRI early on, I had to wear a hospital gown. I can remember thinking to myself that there were people who have worn those gowns that have died. I didn't want to ever wear another one. Somehow it just takes away your dignity. I didn't want to feel like just another patient. Having my own gowns made me feel special, important. 

So, I am in need of fabric. It takes 3 yards to make a gown. If you have any fabric you would like to donate we would SO appreciate it. Please e-mail


Wednesday, October 20, 2010

Life after treatment

Kelley says...........

Today has been a really rough day. I have been unable to cry at all for months it seems. Finally today I just couldn't hold it in anymore. It is hard to explain to someone who hasn't been through this. I think over the last couple of weeks I have been blaming other things in my life for how I am currently feeling. I think it just became clear to me today that I am only just now dealing with the mental side of what I have gone through this year. It is SUCH a long process. All along it has been two steps forward and then two steps back.

I am sure there are those who think I have SO much to be grateful for and yes, I do. But, that doesn't take away from the fact that I have no hair, I currently have deformed looking breasts, I'm still not done with doctor appointments and I still have yet another surgery. I am different. It kind of reminds me of when my son died and when my mom died. I didn't cry at either of their funerals. When my son died, much time passed before I cried. My mom used to keep him every Friday night. I would go pick him up every Saturday before noon. One Friday night I went to my mom's and when I opened the door it just hit me like a ton of bricks that he was never, ever coming back. It was a little different with my mom. But if you have ever lost someone, you know that the world so easily just gets back to normal and you are sitting there still grieving over this terrible loss.

I had a counselor tell me that breast cancer patients feel the exact same feelings as someone with PTSD. I can see why. I feel as though I should be "over" it. I feel bad for even feeling the way I feel. I'm not exactly sure what or how to feel. I think I am just a mess. I have heard and was warned by many that I would go through this. I guess that makes it a little easier but yet it is still very difficult. I want to inspire people, encourage them and lift them up. So it is hard for me to be in this place. I haven't blogged regularly because I just haven't been in the right frame of mind. So if I cross your mind, please just say a prayer for me. I don't even know what to ask you to pray for. But you all have prayed for me many times and it has done wonders. So, I believe tomorrow will be a brighter day.

Thanks so much for taking the time to read this post.

Moving On?

Deryl says - I think I have not been blogging as often because I have not had much to say about our journey through cancer. Kelley finished her chemo treatments, her prognosis is very good, and all we have left to do is her reconstruction surgery and we are finished hopefully for good. In my mind I have moved on. I had all of my emotional breakdowns throughout the more difficult parts of the journey. What I realized though is that Kelley had not moved on when I had. She is in a better place now but I still don't know if she has processed all of this emotionally yet.
As I mentioned I was ready to move ahead. Life was going back to as close to normal as it could. But I had to wait for awhile. I could not move on yet. I wanted to wait for Kelley to be ready to move ahead. I am not sure exactly when that will be. But I don't want her to feel as if she has to rush though anything. This has been way more personally devastating to her than it has to anyone else. I want to make sure she has the opportunity to process everything. I have heard many stories of family members saying the treatment is over so it is time to move on. But the one who actually had the cancer was still in the middle of it emotionally. Wondering if the cancer will come back or did they really get it all? Did I really just go through this? It is easy for others to move on but not so easy for the actual cancer survivor.
The bottom line is we could all be more compassionate and patient and not be in such a rush to move our loved ones on. I am not saying that we should stay stuck but we should allow our loved ones the time to grieve their losses. I hope I am doing it well for my wife and hopefully if you are going through this you can do the same for your loved one.

Friday, October 15, 2010

3 Day Cheering Stations

Kelley says....................

Here is a link for anyone interested in coming out to support myself and my friend Tammy for the 3 Day. I would LOVE for you to come to some of the cheering stations and or the closing ceremony. That would be SO awesome. I'll put the cheering station info in this post and you can click on the link to find out any other info you would need regarding being a spectator at the 3 Day event. 

Thanks so, so much to everyone who helped make it possible for me to do this. I have been training very hard to get my body prepared to walk 60 miles and it has not been easy. But I am very excited about being able to participate in such an amazing event.

Friday, November 5
9:15 a.m. - 11:15 a.m.
Creekside Baptist Church
1105 N. Waterview Drive
Richardson, TX 75080

9:30 a.m. - 11:30 a.m.
Seventh Day Adventist Church
1201 W. Beltline
Richardson, TX 75080
(overflow parking across Beltline at St. Luke’s Lutheran, 1210 W. Beltline Road, Richardson, TX 75080)

11:45 a.m. - 3:45 p.m.
10720 Preston Road, suite 1018
Dallas, TX 75230

12:30 p.m. - 5:00 p.m.
11920 Inwood Road
Dallas, TX 75244

Saturday, November 6
8:30 a.m. - 10:00 a.m.
Turner Hardware
12895 Josey Lane
Farmers Branch, TX 75234

9:00 a.m. - 10:45 a.m.
Dallas Choong/Hyun Presbyterian Church
11722 Cromwell
Dallas, TX 75229

11:15 a.m. - 3:00 p.m
Valley View Mall
Montfort at 635 (LBJ Fwy)- NE corner
Dallas, TX 75240

Sunday, November 7
8:30 a.m. - 11:00 a.m.
Bank of America
5500 Preston
Dallas, TX 75205

11:15 a.m. - 2:00 p.m.
Historic West End
N. Market Street, from Munger to Elm
Dallas, TX 75202

On some portions of the route you may find some areas that are deemed “quiet zones” which will be indicated by signage on the route. Please assist us in respecting our neighborhoods and communities during this time

Wednesday, October 13, 2010

Out of my hands

Kelley says...........

I don't really like this song but I love the lyrics. Maybe it will speak to you today.

"Out of my hands" by Matthew West

There you go changing my plans again
There you go shifting my sands again
For reasons I don't understand again
Lately I don't have a clue

Just when I start liking what I see
There you go changing my scenery
I never know where you're taking me
But I'm trying just to follow you

It's out of my hands
It's out of my reach
It's over my head
And it's out of my league
There's too many things
That I don't understand
So it's into your will
And it's out of my hands

There you go healing these scars again
Showing me right where you are again
I'm helpless, and that's where I start again
I'm giving it all up to you

It's out of my hands
It's out of my reach
It's over my head
And it's out of my league
There's too many things
That I don't understand
So it's into your will
And it's out of my hands

Move me, make me
Choose me, change me
Send me, shake me
Find me, remind me
The past is behind me
Take it all away
Take it all from me, I pray

It's out of my hands
It's out of my reach
It's over my head
And it's out of my league
There's too many things
That I don't understand
So it's into your will
And it's out of my hands

Monday, October 4, 2010

Rethink Possible

Kelley says.............

Today I saw AT&T's new slogan..."Rethink Possible". So I did. I thought about how many things I think about each day where I may not say that I think something is impossible but that is sure what the conclusion would be if I told you the things I was thinking. This really hit me hard since I've been doing my worry challenge. I find myself thinking about the future and all the ways things are not going to work out. This slogan really made me think about how I have to choose to think about the possible!! I love it! I've not been doing so well since my last treatment. I feel much, much better physically but not so great emotionally. I've NEVER been a fan of AT&T but this new slogan put me in such a wonderful mood today!!

Am I alone? Do you find yourself imagining how things might not work out in different situations in your life? Do you say you trust in God but don't really believe that "With God ALL things are possible" for YOUR life? I think every day we have to CHOOSE to trust him. So today, I am going to do just that!!

Friday, October 1, 2010

Prison of Perception Talk

Kelley says............

For anyone who wasn't able to come out and here me talk at my church, here is a link to listen to it. My voice is so shaky at the beginning because I was nervous! Hope you enjoy the talk and get some good laughs!!