Leadership Summit Day 1

Kelley says...............


Today I went to a Leadership Summit. I really didn't know what to expect. Wow. God really showed me how my thinking about my calling has been really limited. My main focus has been that I want to raise awareness about self-breast exams and I had really been feeling like I wanted to focus on young women with Stage 1 breast cancer like myself, the ones who have hope like me. 


The interesting thing is I have been praying for 2 days now for God to reach through me and radically change others. For months, I have been quoting and speaking out Ephesians 3:20 "By his mighty power at work within us, he is able to accomplish infinitely more than we would ever dare to ask or hope". So today I feel in my spirit God ask me "What if by helping women find a lump, you help them find ME?" Well duh! Why hadn't I thought of this before? YES! This is the bigger picture. I am so excited about this I am about to jump out of my skin. To think that not only will I help save peoples lives I can actually help them find JESUS! I've never, ever thought of "witnessing" to people and the thought of it scares me to death. But I can do this! 


The second thing God showed me today is that I had limited myself to thinking that I wanted to only reach women with my exact story. But he showed me loud and clear that if a person who has cancer at ANY stage who has Jesus, they have hope. Even if they are dying with incurable cancer, they have hope. OMG, again.....DUH! Wow, I can't believe I didn't see this before and feel ashamed for having such limited thinking but so humbled, grateful and so very thankful that God revealed this to me today!! I'm so glad that God's ways are so much higher than ours and that he who began a good work in me will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus. (Phil 1:6)

Love you all!


Kelley

Lessons Learned

Deryl says.......It has been a full week since I last blogged. It is disappointing because I would like to blog at least twice a week. But life can get in the way of what you want to do. Which is a great lesson I have learned this week. That life isn't just going to give you everything you want without you giving something back. You can wish for something to be so but for it to actually come into being you have to have an intention backed with a plan.
My daughter Heather was a great example of that this past week. She went to church camp, which is out of the ordinary for her. She typically doesn't like crowds and she doesn't like to be away from her mother right now. But she went and it was life changing for her. She came back with so much energy and passion. She intended to have a good time and to learn and she did exactly that. She came back a different person than she was.
Heather has been quite shy for awhile now but she wasn't always that way. When she was little she was a lot like her mother in that she felt her emotions deeply. If she was happy she was the happiest girl in the world. But if she was angry she was so over the top angry that it was difficult to deal with. She had these major temper tantrums that we tried to get her to stop having. So much so that I think at some point we made her feel as if she could not be herself or that her true self was bad. I am not saying we were bad parents. We were doing the best we could at the time and we wanted to do what was best but in retrospect I think we squelched the passion right out of her. Heather agrees with me because we have talked about it. She remembers being confident and able to talk to anyone and wishes she was more like that today. Well, she is closer to that now than before camp.
I think we all need to be a more like little children in some ways. Jesus said we must become like little children to enter the kingdom of God. Little children are authentic with their emotions. They have absolute faith in their beliefs even if they don't know why. They tell you what they want and don't leave you guessing. They believe anything is possible. Then as they grow up  parents, teachers, pastors, etc. teach them they need to be more realistic about life. That they cannot possibly do everything that they want.
I remember once someone asking a little girl what she wanted to be when she grew up. The little girl said she wanted to be a veterinarian and the president. As grown ups we think it is really cute and tell her she can be whatever she wants. But the older she gets we may begin to tell her she should focus on one thing because it is unrealistic that she would be able to do both. Then we night encourage her to be a veterinarian because that is a more realistic goal. I mean there has never been a woman president before. But what if someone had said something similar to Barack Obama. Regardless of your political viewpoint the fact that he was elected is a major milestone in American history because he is the first African-American president ever elected. Now that he has done it people we believe it can be done again. But I say why couldn't this little girl become a veterinarian and the president. Who are we to say she couldn't. Just because it has never been done before means nothing.
When we were little children we were completely free and innocent. As adults we should strive to be completely free with wisdom. That is what I want to help Heather and Rachel get back to. I know I took part in taking away their freedom to be themselves and I want to be a part of them getting that freedom back.
Almost all of what you have read in this blog both the good and the bad have been a result of a cancer diagnosis. I don't think Heather would have had the same experience at camp without her mothers cancer diagnosis. I don't think I would have the same vision to see what is really going on without my wife's cancer diagnosis. And I am looking forward to seeing the good that Rachel experiences as well.
Kelley's courage has inspired so many people. She didn't take the easy road. But the biggest inspiration has been for those of us who know her best and see her everyday.
I don't know if I have made any significant point in this post. I just see that everyone in our family has a larger perspective than before. A better perspective than before. Life is good and a gift from God. We have all let others steal our freedom to be our true selves and pursue our true desires on some level or in some area of our life. But once we are adults we have the power to change that. That is the path that we are on as a family. Discovering our true selves and our true passions and putting them into action. Our desire is to have a positive impact on the lives of others. This blog is one of the ways we hope to do this. It didn't start that way. Originally we just wanted to be able to update family and friends about Kelley's treatment but somehow it became something different and much, much better. We feel honored to be used in a way that is a blessing to others and hope that we can continue to be so as long as we possibly can.

Random Things I Think I Think

Deryl says.........Kelley and I went to the North Texas Gilda's club last night. Gilda's Club is a community for cancer patients, their families, and survivors. It is named in honor of Gilda Radner of Saturday Night Live fame. We were invited by our friend Michael. Michael is the gentleman I mentioned in an earlier post that we met at Sing For the Cure and was wearing a pink suit, well really pink everything from head to toe. Michael is a breast cancer survivor himself and has stayed in contact with us ever since we met him. He has been a great source of encouragement and Kelley and I are both so glad he invited us last night. It was a meeting called Sisters but a few men were allowed. Cancer patients, caretakers, and survivors all took turns sharing there stories. It was emotional and inspiring and everyone was so positive and hopeful. Some were scared as well. We met a young lady who is having a mastectomy next week. She is only 28 years old. Michael told us about a girl who is 15 and was recently diagnosed with breast cancer.
Kelley and I both shared some of our story with the group. We talked with many people after the meeting was over. When you listen to the stories you realize how precious life is and how radically it can change in a moment. Maybe that is why Jesus said "take no thought for tomorrow" to encourage us to focus on today and let tomorrow take care of itself.
I have learned so much about myself, my wife, my daughters, and others during this time. I thought it would be fun to list them here. So here are some thoughts I have about life:

• I love my wife more than I thought I ever could
• That God is the greatest comforter if you choose to let him
• That everyone is much stronger than they give themselves credit for
• That a cancer diagnosis only magnifies the type of relationship you have with your spouse whether good or bad
• That cancer does not care about your race, sex, social status, religious beliefs or anything else
• That we have higher rates of cancer today than in the past because overall we eat poor nutritionally, we don't exercise enough, we don't manage our stress well, and we take too much medication
• I don't think all of those things are the cause of cancer but I do thing they all contribute to it
• Heather and Rachel are more responsible and thoughtful than I realized
• That seemingly bad things happen to really nice people for no apparent reason
• That everything we think is bad is not always bad it just feels bad for awhile
• That you can discover your life's purpose in your darkest moments
• That you can still have fun and laugh even during a crisis
• That things can always get worse.....or better
• That you can turn scary moments into fun moments
• That the fear of most things are worse than the actual things themselves
• That I have yet to find a creature stronger than a single mother raising young children while fighting cancer
• That what is right for you is not necessarily for me and vice versa
• That judging people is pointless and if you knew the person's story you would probably feel compassion for them and feel guilty for judging them
• That people can say really silly things when they don't know what to say
• That most people are good and want to help
• That most women's biggest fear after a cancer diagnosis is losing their hair
• That I appreciate my family and friends more now than before
• That I wish I would have appreciated them more before
• That life is really good and worth the trouble it sometimes gives you
• That it is more gratifying to help someone than to be helped
• That doctors should be appreciated for their dedication and discipline to become good at what they do
• That doctors are humans and they cannot tell the future
• That we are all connected whether we know it or not
• That the greatest healer of all things is true divine love

You know people tell us all the time how we are handling this so well and how we are an inspiration. And we appreciate that people feel inspired by our story. I think the difference between us and many others going though this is that we are openly sharing our experience. But that is what works for us. There are many others that are equally strong and inspiring. They just do it quietly and share their experience with a select few. Neither one is better than the other. They are just different ways of handling life's opportunities. Everyone has the same spirit and strength within them. They only need to be awakened to it. Some one asked Kelley today if she would give this cancer and its treatment back if she were able and she said no for the same reason I would say no. We are both better people than we were before. We both have more compassionate and open hearts to others. We love more than we did before. You can only measure how well you understand a subject with a test. This is just our test to measure how much we understand what is really important in life. We have not scored an A+ but I feel that we are doing better than average. God is good and He loves us so immensely that we would be shocked and overwhelmed if we would take the time to quiet our minds and just allow ourselves to experience it. So many times we blame God for our bad choices or the bad choices of others. We get upset thinking He should have protected us or our loved one. The thing is, if I look back on my life honestly there were many times I felt a tug in my heart that I ignored. God was communicating to me but I didn't listen. I wonder how many times we all do that. You are all loved with such a great love. Kelley and I talk often about how fortunate we are to know so many of you. You are an encouragement to us and we hope that we can be as much of a blessing to you as you are to us.

Fear and Love

Deryl says........We went "chemo class" the other day. Which was informative and scary. As I have mentioned before, the thing about cancer is that the treatment is just as scary as the disease itself. So for those of you who don't understand how chemo works I will give you a brief and unscientific explanation. In essence they give you poison that kills the cancer cells in your body. It also kills a lot of the good cells in your body. The goal of chemo is to give you enough poison to kill the cancer but not enough to kill you or cause permanent damage. So we are really looking forward to that.
They also told us that Kelley's immune system would be severely depressed. So much so that we must keep everything in the house disinfected constantly, that Kelley should not touch things that are handled by many people such as a grocery cart, and if she gets a fever of 100.5 or more she needs to go to the emergency room immediately. If she has a fever of any kind we must call the doctor immediately as well. Good times.
To complete the trifecta of fun Kelley was informed that she would lose all of her hair somewhere between day 2 and day 20. We were already aware that she was going to lose her hair but hearing it so "matter of factually" from that nurse suddenly kind of struck the nail all the way in, so to speak. I don't care if Kelley is bald forever. I am not in love with her hair. But I do know that it is going to affect her emotionally. How could it not? I thought about what it would be like to lose all of my hair and the thought of it made me very uncomfortable. And I am a guy! We lose our hair all the time with no medical assistance whatsoever. But when a woman loses her hair it is like losing a part of her femininity. I think even more so than her breasts. And even though it will come back it is traumatic. This is what Kelley feared the most when we received this diagnosis. It pains me to see her in anguish over this and the many other concerns she has about this situation. But I have also witnessed her grow and let go of things that she never would have been able to let go of in the past. Just in the last few days her faith has grown. She has really embraced this "believing before seeing" concept she wrote about earlier.
So my biggest fear in all this is Kelley getting some type of infection while undergoing chemo and her emotional reaction to losing her hair. So I could use your prayers in that area. I am not much of a worrier so if I am worrying it is usually very serious.
During this time I have spent a lot of time contemplating love and specifically God's love. You could sit around and say why me in a situation like this or you can just trust in the love of God. Jesus said you can sum up the entire bible in the following statement - love God, love your neighbor, love yourself. Seems pretty simple in theory but in practice we make it difficult. I mean how do you love God? How do you demonstrate it? Well, I can try to communicate with Him through prayer, meditation, and contemplation. How is there love without communication right? Jesus said "if you love me you will obey my commands". But I don't see that as following all the commands of the bible. Many people try to do that without any real love in their heart. They do it out of fear. I think Jesus was really talking about when you hear him within. When he is trying to guide you through life. That little voice or tug in a certain direction that you can listen to or ignore it like I did with the vegetarian thing.

Another thing that came to me while I was contemplating this was that we could love God by simply choosing to see things different than we do now. My pastor was telling the story of Adam and Eve last Sunday. He said something that really stuck with me. What he said was that when God placed Adam and Eve in the Garden of Eden he said they could have everything in the Garden except this one thing. They could eat the fruit of every tree except one. It doesn't say how many trees they could choose to eat from but I imagine it was hundreds or even thousands. But someone pointed out this one thing that they could not have and all of a sudden that was all they could see. In that moment they could no longer see everything that was available to them. All of the abundance and good things God had given them was lost in their eyes. They saw the one thing they didn't have and said that thing will make my life better if only I could have it. Well you probably know the rest of the story. But what really stood out to me from that story was how that seems to be the source of the problem of most people. We get focused on how life will be so much better when we get this or that. My life will be better if I had more money, better health, a wife, a husband, a baby, etc. And we totally lose site of everything we have available to us now. Our family, our friends, our job, our life, our breath. If you are able to read this blog right now you can be grateful for a computer, internet access, your sight, not having cancer. There is so much to be thankful for in this moment right now.
If we can begin to see that God has provided every good thing in our life it will increase the love in our hearts. When we receive the money we need and instead of just seeing the money see the one who gave it to us and be thankful. Then our hearts will be full. We will begin to see more of the blessings in our lives. And the things that we lack and think we need will become less important.
Yes my wife has cancer. And yes I would prefer that she didn't. But I have my wife right now. And I don't know if that will always be the case. I am grateful to have found someone that I love so much and that loves me just as much. I have someone that treats me with love and respect and loves me in spite of my many flaws. And I have her right now. I could lose her tomorrow or 50 years from now but fretting about it today only diminishes the gratitude and love I could be feeling and sharing. We don't worry and love at the same time. We cannot feel fear and gratitude in the same moment. So at this moment I am choosing to see the good and thank God for it. That is one way I can love God. I hope this doesn't come across as preachy as I am writing this to myself more than anything else. But if it helps anyone else then that is a bonus.
I don't know if I would be spending all of this time thinking about God and His love if I was not in this situation. But it is changing me for the better.

Believing is seeing

Kelley says..............


Anyone who knows Deryl knows that he reads more books than I could read in my entire life! He listened to one recently and put it on my MP3 player. He has been asking me every single day if I have started listening to it yet. So yesterday, when I had to drive out to Ft. Worth I decided that would be the perfect time to listen to it. God's timing is just perfect I guess. The name of the book is "It's not about the money". 


As the bills start pouring in from all the different doctors I see and hospital and all these other places, I find myself getting very overwhelmed. Now having to drive out to Ft. Worth every week for 12 weeks on top of my other doctor appointments in Ft. Worth that I already have. Whew! So anyway, I have always been the kind of person that says "I have to see it to believe it". I am a complete realist through and through. But I listened to 2 hours of that book yesterday. He talked about how we have to believe it to see it. He also talked about the "Prison of Perception".  He stated that if we always focus on what we don't have, we will keep getting what we don't want.


Boy, this spoke volumes to me!! So yesterday after what I heard, I just started catching myself anytime I was worried and just expected that we will have what we need when we need it. Do you know that we left Ft. Worth at 5:30 and there was hardly any traffic at all! Usually, just knowing that we would be leaving at rush hour, I would have thoughts about how awful the traffic was going to be. But yesterday, I didn't have that thought at all and there was no traffic. I don't think this was a coincidence. So anyway, when I was paying bills this afternoon my stomach was just in knots and I was literally making myself sick. I caught myself and just imagined things working out and God providing for us. After this, I came to my computer and a friend of mine had e-mailed me with a fund-raiser idea. I instantly knew that I have to start believing BEFORE I see!! 


Here is a quote my pastor has me memorizing right now. And he gave it to me a week ago! "Faith is choosing to live as though God's word is true regardless of circumstances, emotions, or cultural trends"

The Issue

Kelley says...........


Last night, I was having a conversation with Deryl and we were just talking about life, chemo, and what our future holds. I told him that I believe that we are ALL on a spiritual journey. It doesn't matter if you are a Christian or not. This is just my opinion but I think that "opportunities" arise throughout our lives to deepen this spiritual journey. If we don't get it the first time, other opportunities will come around for God to try to show us whatever it is he is trying to show us to grow us. But, with every single opportunity we have our own free will to learn from it or let it pass us by.


I think God can use any situation to grow us spiritually. It might be just a small incident that you can learn from but it might take a death or other complete tragedy for someone else to learn the same thing. Throughout this experience in my life I have discovered that sometimes our tragedies reveal our purpose. I am a firm believer in dealing with our own issues. It is so good to get away by yourself at least a few times in your life time to really be all alone just you and your "stuff". This is really scary to a lot of people. I have done this two times. It was no fun and it was terrifying. But you know what? I dealt with some major things and the best thing to come from it is that I realized how strong I am. That I don't need to run to Deryl or friends or a pastor to help me every time but that I can run to my God and he is faithful to see me through. 


It is good to be able to have support to go to. I think this is also very important. But sometimes I see others make "people" their God. It is vital that we deal with our issues. If we don't, time will go by and we will seem better but they will still be there lurking around. If we don't deal with the issue, we'll always be dealing with the issue. I don't know if this is making any sense to you or not but I just really feel like the main reason I have been able to deal with having cancer and all that I am going through is because I have dealt with so much of my past. And I want everyone to be able to experience freedom from their past. 


If you ever decide to get away and do some work on yourself, let me know and I will help guide you through it!!

I'm with Einstein

Deryl says.........I have had a very solemn day today. I am normally very happy-go-lucky and sail through life with my head in the clouds. But today I have been pondering deeply the things of life. The thing is that at different times of my life it has felt very difficult. But in most cases it was my own direct actions that caused my difficult circumstances. But now I feel as if I am in difficult circumstances that are not of my own doing. But then I wonder did I do anything to contribute to this? I mean I know I did not give Kelley cancer. But did I make lifestyle choices that contributed to it? I mean Kelley wanted me to become a vegetarian many years ago and I told her I would never in my life give up steak. But I felt a tug within to do it. I knew it would make me healthier and Kelley healthier. But I wanted what I wanted. So now all these years later I am happily a vegetarian. I want to make it easier for Kelley and the girls to eat healthy. I never want to see anyone with cancer again. I read a study that showed that the US has the highest rate of breast cancer in the world and we also eat the highest percentage of animal fat and processed foods in our diets of any country in the world. And the study showed a correlation between diet and breast cancer. Japan had the lowest rate of breast cancer and also had the lowest percentage of animal fat and processed foods in their diet. So it appears that my choices have influenced to some degree what we are experiencing now. I am not blaming myself for this. I know Kelley is her own person and could have chosen differently. I also don't know if we had become vegetarians back then that she wouldn't still have cancer now. But what I do know is that there was a part of me that nudged me in that direction and I ignored it. I am not casting blame on myself or anyone else. I am simply stating that I have been pondering how something so seemingly insignificant could possibly have significant outcomes. That when that little voice inside nudges you to do something you know is good for you or your loved ones but you ignore it what are the consequences.
I call that little voice God. And I am paying a lot more attention to that voice than I did before. It is funny how impossible it seemed to give up meat before and how incredibly easy it is now. What changed? My thoughts are the only thing different. I still desired to eat meat when I first started and I still crave it sometimes. But the longer I don't eat it the less I think about eating it.
Life is precious and wonderful even in the hard times because it is a miracle. Einstein once said "in life you either see everything as a miracle or nothing as a miracle". I hope you see it as a miracle. There is no timetable for any of us. Kelley had a son that died at 3 months old and a mother who died at 53. I have a grandmother that is still alive and kicking at 92. Who decides these things? Is it God that takes a son and a mother early and let's someone else live past 100? I mean Kelley's son sure didn't make a choice that took his own life. The point is you can drive your self crazy trying to figure it out or you can take the advice of St. Paul who said "whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is of good report think on these things". Now is always the only moment you have to work with even when planning for the future you are doing it now. So take full advantage of the current moment. Life is always shorter than we expect. Do whatever you are doing with your whole heart and mind. Love life and life will love you back. It is a lesson that comes alive when the reality of death has been placed before you.

How can I pray for you?

Kelley says..............


This morning when I was doing my Oswald Chamber's devotional, the scripture was Job 42:10. It says, "The Lord restored Job's losses when he prayed for his friends". It goes on to say "Whatever circumstances God may place you in, always pray immediately that His atonement may be recognized and as fully understood in the lives of others as it has been in yours". 


As I sat and pondered that, I thought about how many people are praying for me. There are times I can literally just feel that prayers are being lifted up for me. I am so very grateful that I can put a prayer request at the end of a post and there are so many that are so faithful to pray. Countless times I have asked you to pray and I have had those prayers immediately answered.


I want you to know that I would consider it an honor if you would let me know how I can pray for YOU. I mean this with all my heart. You can leave a comment or send me an e-mail or message me on Facebook. I do appreciate your prayers but I care deeply for you and really do want to give something back to all of you. So please don't hesitate to let me know so I can start praying for all of you too. The only thing I ask is that you share with me when God answers!! So we can rejoice together!!

Oncology Appointment

Kelley says............


Well, the appointment was yesterday. Turns out that the cells in the tumor were dividing at a rate that was alarming to the medical oncologist. As well as another result showed that there was statistically a 13% chance of the cancer returning in the bones or some other organ within the next 5 - 10 years. If I do not have any treatment at all and it comes back, there will be nothing they can do for me but try to prolong my life the best they can. If I get this done now, it could kill off anything that might be lingering in my body that they can't see right now. 


I don't want to do this. But I don't want to not do it either. That is kind of how it has been so far on this journey. All the choices I have to make in this ordeal suck, totally. I mean, in reality I could do everything possible to try to prevent it from coming back and it could still return. But at least if that does happen I will be able to say that I have done absolutely everything in my power to make it not come back.


This whole process will start on July 2nd. I will go every three weeks for a round of Chemo 4 times. I should be done in September. They say that I will for sure lose my hair in about 17 days after my first treatment. As most of you know, I think that is my greatest physical asset and this will be very hard for me. I never really had a hard time at all with the fact I was going to lose my breasts. But having no hair you can't really hide. I know I could wear a wig but I don't think I want to do that. It is way too hot in Texas for a wig and I know it will be itchy and pricey. I think this is going to be really hard on my family because now I won't just be sick, I will look sick too. 


But at least I will hopefully be completely cancer free and it is only 3 months of my life. In the grand scheme of things, that doesn't seem like that long to be free of this forever. I am still not totally healed from the surgery. I am really praying that God would touch my body and heal these areas. It is really frustrating. 


I get really bummed writing a post like this. It is just all the facts and seems like a downer. But ya know, that is kind of my life right now. I hate it. I wish it didn't have to be like this. But it is. Right now, even though it may not sound like it while you are reading this, I am in a good place emotionally. Honestly, I still just cannot believe this is happening. I'm sure it will creep up on me and I'll have another melt down before my first treatment but I am confident that I will pull myself out of it like I have in the past and I'll be just fine. 


My prayer request is that God would heal these sores from surgery completely and that I would have minimal side effects from the treatment. That God would handpick every single person I come into contact with during this whole entire ordeal. And that God would wrap his arms around my loved ones during this time.


Kelley

Love Revolution Baby!

Deryl says......It was nice to be able to go back to work at the office this past week. It offer some sense of normalcy which for some reason brings a little comfort. Kelley is no longer suffering intense pain everyday. She is able to do more and more for herself which I know makes her feel better. Kelley has said all along that she was not real concerned about losing hers boobs. But it is starting to affect her now. She knows how much I love her and that I don't care but breasts are a symbol of womanhood. How can it not affect you when you lose them?
Kelley has handled this situation so amazingly well. She has a very emotional day about every 4 to 5 days. But she allows herself to feel what she is feeling and expresses it to those she loves and trusts verbally and shares much of it on this blog. Sometimes she will try to get down on herself for getting into a negative emotional state. But how could you not? Can you imagine anyone having any part of their body completely removed and not suffering through some kind of grieving process. I know I have felt my own grief through this and my body is still intact.
The thing about going through something like this is that it can actually allow you to deal with emotional wounds of the past as well. You are going to suffer through fear, anger, and pain when your family is battling cancer. So why not use that fear, anger, and pain to heal past hurts. Kelley mentioned that she was a life coach in her previous post (which was so moving and profound). I am a life coach as well. Kelley and I went through the same coaching program as clients and students together. Without being a client and then a coach I don't think either one of us could handle this situation as we have. The fact that I have allowed myself to weep openly and discuss it with others and even weep in front of others is such a huge step forward for me. Before I would have thought in my mind "quit acting like a girl". When the reality is it would greatly benefit many of us men to act a little more like girls when it comes to knowing and expressing our emotions. There was a time when something would be bothering me and Kelley would ask me what is wrong. I would always say "nothing". Because I was not even aware of the emotions I was feeling at the moment. Kelley would continue to question me about my day and would wind up discovering exactly what I was upset about. She would wind up saying something like "Deryl you are mad because your boss didn't go with your idea" or something similar. And I would realize she was exactly right. She could pinpoint my emotions better than I could myself. That is great if you have a wife that can do that and if she could be with you every second of the day. I am not an expert yet in recognizing and expressing my emotions but I am much better. And I can tell you life is much easier to handle when you express what you are feeling in a healthy and appropriate way.
I think in the past, on some level, I was afraid that if I acknowledged and expressed my feelings it would cause a flood of emotion I could not control. I thought that was weak and unmanly. I also feared I would hurt someone else with my expression of emotion. The thing is when I tried to keep it all in I was hurting myself and I would still hurt others. Because if you live with someone and are with them everyday you are at some point going to hurt their feelings. But by acknowledging how you feel and expressing it in a healthy way you will hurt them less and less often and become more healthy yourself.
I am a work in progress. As you can tell from my previous posts I still snap at my family sometimes and then feel guilty for it afterward. But I am getting better. And that is the key.
One thing that I have discovered and experienced at a deeper level than ever is the love of God and the love of others. Experiencing love either internally or through the actions of others and realizing that nothing in return is expected from you is revolutionary to your life. Then when your opportunity to love someone else presents itself it is so easy when you feel loved. It is as if your love for another has multiplied.
As I write this the macho side of me is saying what a bunch of mushy drivel. But that macho side of me is the side that directed me to actions that were destructive to myself and others. Anyone who knew me in high school and into my mid-twenties knows exactly what kind of behaviors I am referring to. I am not saying that men should not be masculine. I still love football and a good action movie. But men would be well served to redefine what masculinity means to them. Womanizing, stoic, emotionally distant, physically tough and superior to others are the types of definitions of manhood that are antiquated and should be obsolete. There is nothing more masculine than caring for your loved ones in a way that allows them to feel your love for them.
The place to start is to know and experience God's intense love for you. You do not have to be better for God to love you. You do not have to change for God to love you. You have not done anything in your past that has caused God to cease loving you. God forgives you before you even ask because he was never angry with you. God  only wants the best for you and wants you to experience that love in a real and tangible way. I can tell you that He will do it if you will allow Him. I have done some despicable things in my past. Yet I can feel God's overwhelming love for me today. I have tried to fill up the emptiness in side with substances, things, and shallow relationships. I have lived what some would think is a dream life. I lived in the Cayman Islands right on the water. I made more money than I needed and had many short relationships with beautiful women. I had parties all the time and had many friends. Yet I can recall laying on the beach with a pretty girl staring at the stars and thinking to myself "Is this all there is?" I had some worthwhile and valuable experiences during that time as well. But so much of my time was consumed with trying to fill this internal void and I didn't even know I was doing it at the time. But the past no longer exists. It only exists in my mind when I remember it. Kelley mentioned in her post that we spend too much time looking behind us. We drag our past into our present and we see things today through the lens of our yesterdays. Today is all you have. This present moment is the only moment you can do anything with. You can plan actions for the future but when you act it is in the present moment. Let us bring our full attention to this moment and let go of our past. God chooses not to remember it so why should we. By letting go of our past we can bring our complete love an attention into this moment of life and pour out that love in every opportunity that presents itself to us. God loves me so that I can love you. I am starting a Love Revolution. Will you join me?

Letting Go

Kelley says.............


As I sit here gathering my thoughts about what I am going to blog about this morning, I realize that there are a lot of you who don't know a lot about me personally. Well, I love to make handmade cards. I enjoy doing anything with my family. I work for my church which I really enjoy. And the thing that most people don't know is that I am a Life-Coach. 


When I got into coaching I started just as a client. And really the only reason I did it in the first place was because Deryl wanted to and encouraged me to as well. We were coached by The Gardner Institute in Southlake. They have a program called "Mindset for Success". I went through this program and it drastically changed my life. It changed who I was. Who I was before going through this and who I am now are so amazingly different. It was after this experience that I knew I too wanted to become a life coach and be able to take people through that same program so they could experience this life change. 


Last October, a friend sponsored me to go through what is called "Tres Dias". I had never heard of this before. It is like a "Walk to Emmaus". Anyway, with all the work I had done in my own personal life with the coaching, this was perfect timing. It too had a major impact on my life. I don't have enough space to tell you all that happened to me during my weekend at Tres Dias. The major thing that happened was that God set me completely free from the guilt that I had for many years of not having a relationship with my earthly father. I felt so free, like I could really move on in my life.


So, I had all these life changing events happen and I did so much soul searching and connected with God like never before and then out of the clear blue sky...........CANCER. What?!?! I kept wondering to myself how in the world I could make so many changes in my life, do so much internal work and do all the work it took to go through all of that and become such a different person and turn around and get cancer. I couldn't understand it until yesterday. 


Yesterday was just a down and dark day. I couldn't really pinpoint what exactly was wrong. I talked to Deryl on the phone around 6:00 and I realized that now that the surgery is over and the initial shock is over from my diagnosis, it is just now really starting to sink in what has happened to me. My own life-coach said that this is just like an amputation. Which I guess I really didn't think of it that much before because I knew the only thing I could be concerning myself with was just trying to make it through the surgery. Now that the surgery is over, more is coming to the surface. 


When I was talking to Deryl, we were talking about how much differently I would have handled this whole thing before I went through all of this personal growth. In that moment I saw this vision, which I don't think has ever happened to me before. I saw the "old" me still being an angry and bitter person and this cancer staying in my body for a long time and me never discovering it and then me dying from it. I then realized that because of all the work on myself that I have done, is the reason why it surfaced. I am feeling like all the hurts of my past just worked itself into a tumor and has now been removed from my body. I don't know about you but I think this is a HUGE revelation. 


Cancer or no cancer, I think this is what happens to people. They go through things in their lives and then they hold onto the hurt, anger, bitterness, grief, etc and who they are dies. Who they had the chance of becoming never comes to pass because of holding onto the past. I saw a picture of a man standing looking at himself in the mirror. Only instead of seeing his face he saw himself from behind. I unfortunately couldn't capture the image because I sure would love to show it to you. Anyway, I thought it was the perfect picture to show how so many of us do that every single day. All we see is our past and our past is so big that we can't even get a tiny glimpse of our future. 

I believe that there is something God wants to show you today. What are you holding onto that you need to get rid of in your life? Sometimes it is scary but God can handle it. Even if it is only one thing from your past that you can turn over to him and let go, that will be a wonderful start. If you have no idea what that would be, imagine yourself looking in the mirror and instead of seeing your future, you saw your past. What would be the first thing you would see? I am guessing whatever you see is exactly the thing God is wanting you to let go of.

Prayer Request

Kelley says................


Well, on Monday I got the drain tubes out and they told me there was a possibility that fluid would still build up and they would have to drain it out with a needle. Last night, I realized that is exactly what is happening. PLEASE pray that my lymphatic system would naturally drain this fluid the way it is supposed to and that this will be no big deal. I have an appointment tomorrow at 3:00 and I just really hope to go in and be tons better with NO problems.


This just really makes me upset. I am still not completely healed up on either side and now this. I will not be able to move forward with my reconstruction until I am healed. I know God is my healer, so I need him to heal me!!!!


Also, my appointment with the medical oncologist is on Friday afternoon. The final test result will be in that shows how likely it is cancer will recur in the next 10 years. Pretty amazing that they even have this test now. I'm praying the numbers are really low but ultimately, I want God's will to be done. It is amazing how many people want me TO have chemo. Then there are others who say whatever you do, DON'T have chemo. None of these being in the medical field. I realize that there is only one person walking in my shoes right now and that is me. Which is frightening because I would love for someone else to walk in them just for a moment and then offer me advice and try to make my decisions for me.


Only I will know how God is leading ME. Only I will know where I feel the most peace. At this point, if they recommend Chemo I will do it because of fear that the cancer will return. If I decide to NOT get Chemo, it will be out of fear of the treatment itself. It seems like every decision in this process sucks big time. Really, there isn't a decision that doesn't completely suck, it is just deciding which one sucks less and which one gives me the most peace. I mean seriously, don't get any treatment and keep my fingers crossed that my cancer never rears its ugly head again or allow someone to put poison in my body and lose my most favorite asset, my hair? No one should have to make these kind of decisions in their lives. My heart truly, truly goes out to ANYONE who has to make life changing, life altering choices. This is one of the aspects of life I will never understand as long as I live. 


Thank you for your prayers for my complete healing, no more complications whatsoever and that I will be guided by God and not "people".

Kelley

Update on complications

Kelley says...............


Well, praise God that the spot that was turning purple is light pink and white now!! This is super good news because that is a sign that my body is doing what it is supposed to! But now the right side where the cancer was removed is really pink/red at the center of the incision. I'm trying not to worry about it. Of course, that is easier said than done. But, I am believing that when I wake up in the morning both sides will be very much improved.


I am really, really getting tired of these drain tubes! But the fluid is slowly decreasing so hopefully I won't have to endure them much longer. This has been by far the hardest part of this so far, at least on the physical side. They hurt and are very uncomfortable and extremely GROSS!!


I hope you all have a wonderful long weekend and hopefully get to enjoy spending time with people you love.

2 Steps forward, another step back

Kelley says........

Today, my sister-in-law came over and spent the day with me. A good friend came by to visit and she brought me food and a gorgeous pink bag filled with Estee Lauder goodies. Another friend came by and brought her precious 4 week old baby girl and let me hold her for a LONG time. 


About 4 days ago, I noticed a red spot probably about the size of a nickel near the surgery site. When I went in to the doctor yesterday, he said that we really needed to watch it. That sometimes the blood supply to the area doesn't re-establish itself. But he said he wasn't too worried about it but we just needed to keep a good eye on it. Today, it is more purple looking and the skin on top looks kind of like a blister. It doesn't hurt but I don't have feeling there anymore so that really isn't a good indication of anything. 

So anyway, we called him today to tell him about it and they just said that sometimes these things just work themselves out on their own and other times it requires another surgery. I am a nervous wreck. I took a Zanax and it hasn't phased me a bit. I have been so calm and at peace during this whole thing up until now. I have been praying myself and have asked everyone else to pray that I would not have any complications. I don't know why I am having a hard time right now. I just feel like I could totally break down. This is just so hard. This is the 4th occasion that I had a wonderful day during the day and then a major setback. I hate this. I so want to get back to normal. I just want it all to be okay and go on with my life. It is at these times when I realize how serious this is and just SO wish this was just a simple deal and I could move on. 

I have healed so much and made so much progress. I just can't imagine if I had to go in for a second surgery. Even if it wouldn't be near as major as the last one, I don't want to have to endure that. I already will have to have another surgery at the end of my reconstruction and this is all just so overwhelming.


The scripture coming to me right now as I type is "Be still and know that I am God". Hmmmmm, guess I need to meditate on that and go with it. I mean, if God could prompt me to do the self-exam in the first place and detect this so early, surely he can heal me of this and I could wake up tomorrow morning and it be much better! I never realized how much I am depending on all of you to lift me up in prayer. Because right now, I am in tears and feel like I can't do this another day. So please pray for me. I know this is just a rough time at this very moment and the enemy would love nothing more than for me to give up. But that is just not my style. I will have a good cry, dust myself off, and pick myself back up and get through this. 


Thank you all again a million times over for being there for me. I can't tell you how much it means to me to be able to type these words and know that someone is out there reading it who love me and care for me.


I'll keep you all posted.


Kelley

Relationships

Kelley says.............


I've been thinking all day of ways I can document my journey even more. Trying to think ahead of how I can help other women. And I have to say that it just breaks my heart because I know deep down within my soul that I will indeed help other women. I just hate that anyone has to go through this. A lady that I met at Sing for the Cure just broke down and cried when she heard I was about to go through a double mastectomy. Now, I know why. But Deryl and I both are really trying to come up with different ways to help others. As hard as the decision was, I have even had Deryl take pictures starting from the day the surgeon marked me all up for surgery and will continue every week throughout my reconstruction. 


One of the hardest things for me was to listen to a friend of mine who has already walked this road tell me what to expect. But because she was brutally honest, I was not surprised by anything. And I think this will just be a little something extra to help someone else to really grasp not only what to expect mentally but also what to expect when they look in the mirror. I still can't believe the woman I have become. My ability to love and be loved back is so astounding. Anyone who knows me knows I have had a difficult life. The events in my life hardened my heart. 

For the 1st time in 17 years, I was finally able to come to grips with the fact that I have totally and completely missed out on my mother-in-laws love. She has tried for years to love me. I was so afraid that loving her like a mom would be dishonoring to my own mother. And I miss my mom terribly. But this revelation, I believe, is going to change my life. I see where Deryl got his patience and kind heart because his mom has been wonderful with me. I am truly grateful and feel that even though I have missed out and kept her at arms length this entire time, God is going to renew and restore our relationship. Same thing with my sister-in-law. Relationships are a funny thing. I hope you will take a good look at your relationships and not wait for something serious to happen to see what God has been trying to say all along!!!!

Rough Morning

Kelley says..........


Deryl helped me get a shower this morning and being the independent person that I am, that was really a humbling experience. But he was very sweet & gentle with me. I can't believe I was diagnosed with this on April 12th, 2010. Yet yesterday I think was the 1st time this all really started setting in. Today during my shower and having to sit there still while Deryl & my sister drained my tubes and helped me get dressed there was just no more denying what is happening to me and this was all done in order for me to live a longer and healthier life. If I had to do it over again, I still would have made the same choice.


Today has been a painful day. I'm very sore and kind of nauseated. Just not very comfortable. They warned me and now I know it to be true that the drains are the worst. And on top of that, I feel like I am getting a big fever blister on my top lip. BUT, I told Deryl last night that regardless of how my life ends up, I will still love my God. HE and HE ALONE is my real DADDY!! Regardless of what my life looks like on the outside, I love God with all of who I am. I can't live without him. 


On a funny note, Deryl told me this morning not to worry about my boobs because my butt has always been my best feature. I said "Well after all of this, my boobs BETTER be my best feature"!!!!!!!!!!!!

Let's Get Ready to Rumble!

Deryl says.......It is my first evening as caregiver for Kelley and I don't know how I would have handled it if Kelley's sister was not here. It is not the actual care giving that is stressful but trying to remember what to do, how to do it, and when. We had our first scare tonight as Pam and I were helping Kelley with her drain tubes. She got queasy and felt faint. We had to sit her down and get a cold rag for her head. She was very frightened that she might throw up and how painful it would be. It causes her so much pain just to hiccup. I was afraid throwing up might cause her to pass out. Fortunately we made it through without any issues.

Kelley was in a lot of pain most of the day. It was very difficult to watch her struggle with that so much today. Of course I am sure it was much harder for her. The thing that makes it difficult is that I cannot do anything for her. I am helpless in making her pain go away. I just try to focus on the end result which is a long cancer free life together. That helps me get through a day like today.

She really enjoyed all the visitors that came by. It helped her spirits. She had so many people she did not know that prayed for her and wore pink in support for her. That really touched her as well. If you are so inclined feel free to come visit her. I think it helps get her mind off of what she is going through to have conversations with friends. Although she is physically frail right now she is strong mentally. She has a great attitude. She is even cracking jokes. We were talking about how strange it feels to be going through this. Then she said at least she was never really attached to her boobs. And now they really aren't attached to her. I think we laughed for five minutes over that one.

Life has new meaning now. It is more precious than it was before. We are both so much more grateful to have each other. I can't tell you how many times we have said I love you with tears in our eyes in the last couple of days. We had a moment alone yesterday and she let me brush her hair. I felt so much love for her at that moment. It was one of those intimate moments you just cannot put into words. More intimate than sex even. Because it comes from a different place than romance. It comes from a higher place. It is a love that comes through you rather than from you. It is God loving Kelley through me. I am just grateful to be the one that gets to experience it all.

Heather and Rachel have been so sweet. They have been so brave. Kelley looked better than they thought she would in the hospital. But I think tonight's scare frightened them. Although they knew this was a serious situation I think tonight it really sunk in for both of them. They really hate leaving her at all. I understand how they feel. You wish in these moments you could just push the pause button on life while you recover. But you can't. Life keeps moving with or without you. It is worth fighting for though. And so we fight. And will continue to fight.

IMPACT

Kelley says....................

I attended a women's retreat this weekend with ladies from my church. Yesterday morning when we sat down to get the day started, I felt my heart start racing. I don't know if you have ever felt this before but I knew the feeling was familiar. I knew it was the holy spirit about to ask me to do something I probably didn't want to do. I looked around the room at all of the women there and wondered to myself how many of them don't do self-breast exams. I knew then and there I had to say something. So I asked if it was possible and if they had a few extra minutes to let me promote self-exams. I sat back in my chair and started to wonder what I would say in just a couple of minutes time. I finally just said "God, this is your doing so you are going to have to speak through me" I knew it was just going to be completely off the cuff so I just went for it. 


I started by saying "Hello, my name is Kelley and I am a huge supporter of self-breast examinations". I asked if they would raise their hand if they never or rarely do monthly self-exams. My heart broke as I sat there and looked at probably 95% of the room raise their hands. I don't know what kind of impact this had on them but it solidified for me the mission I am on. We do not know as women how important this is. I forgot to mention to them that my mammogram was perfect! Had it not been for a self-exam, I would still be living my normal life not knowing I was walking around with cancer in my body. I told them about my blog and begged them to start doing monthly self-exams. I finished by telling them that it was my hope that by the next women's retreat, I will not start with "Hello, my name is Kelley". But that I will be able to say, "Hello, my name is Kelley & I am a breast cancer SURVIVOR!!!!" When I started walking back to my seat, everyone gave me a standing ovation. It was SO surreal. The following are the feelings I felt in that moment...

• I have so many people in my life praying for me
• I am surrounded by my church family who care about me deeply
• I am as STRONG as God has been telling me I am
• I am a woman of IMPACT
• This confirms that promoting self-breast exams is my new mission in life

I used to be extremely terrified of public speaking. So afraid that I would get extremely nervous, palms sweaty, extreme dry mouth, it was horrible.  If I even thought I would have to speak before a group I would just get sick to my stomach. Last year when I wanted to start a women's group at my church, I almost didn't do it because of all these fears. But I just knew it was what God wanted me to do. I did it afraid. It was a great group. The next semester I had another group. We did a study on "Fears". I was still nervous. 


I am also a Life-Coach. I had been given the opportunity to help train other Life-Coaches which I felt SO honored to even be asked. But I turned it down, all because of my fear of public speaking. After I turned it down, I realized that this fear was totally holding me back in my life. I wondered what God could accomplish through me if I would just get over myself and go for it. I started immediately to visualize myself speaking in front of others and not being nervous. I did this every time I thought about it. I ended up going to the coach training after all and was not nervous AT ALL. The lady who had originally asked me to teach the class with her could tell something was different about me. She asked me about it and I told her it was a complete miracle. I couldn't even explain it myself. 


Now looking back on this, I realize that God had so much more in store for me. If he wouldn't have delivered me of this fear, I could have NEVER spoke in front of over 100 women and promoted self-exams. I think what I am learning is that women are so very powerful and we all have a story to tell and an IMPACT to make on not just others but on the WORLD!!

How are your fears holding YOU back? Start to see yourself as the person you want to become. You may not even believe it at first but keep seeing it in your minds eye until it becomes a reality. I am living proof that it works!!!! I am holding a space for you to become all God wants you to become in your life. I had a person truly believe in me for the last two years. And it is amazing the changes that come about for someone if you just genuinely believe in them. And guess what? I totally believe in you!!

Fearing the Ta-Tas

Kelley says.....................................................I am really feeling like God is wanting me to share this today. I think there is someone who reads my blog who needs to hear this. For some women, doing a self-breast exam might be scary. As I talk to more and more women and ask them if they do self exams and discover how many say no, I also hear that some don't do it out of fear that they might find something. This is not good! If I would have been doing monthly exams all along I would have known what mine felt like. I would have noticed what was different. I would have caught this earlier, I have NO doubt in my mind. Yes, they say they are pretty sure I caught this early. But what if I could have caught it at the very beginning the lump started to form? I am begging you to do monthly exams even if it is scary. I feel I need to reiterate this, you don't have to know what you are feeling for or what you are doing. I did NOT know what I was doing!!!! But I found it right away the first time I did a self exam.

I have come to realize that just knowing that I am 40 years old and otherwise a very healthy person makes some women scared. I understand. I have a ladies group and we have been discussing "Fears" this semester. When we discussed "Fears of the Unknown" I said that this fear is contagious. And this just proves it. When we fear what we do not know and listen to others who might be going through trials it grabs a hold of us with all its might and tries to overtake us. Another example is like in this economy. If you know someone who's husband has lost their job it might make you fearful that your husband could lose his job. Or if you listen to the news about the economy too much you suddenly have no hope that it is really all going to be okay.

But you know what? If you get yourself around people who are positive and have a great attitude, you will find it so much easier to stay in the right state of mind to not "go there" with your thoughts. Psalm 34:4 says    "I prayed to the LORD, and he answered me. He freed me from all my fears". It says ALL my fears. That is so encouraging to me. God is awesome and it gives me peace just reading this scripture myself.

So read that scripture several times. Put your life in the palm of HIS hands and go "Feel the Ta-Tas"!!!!! 

Do it, Do it now!!!!

Room 223

Kelley says.........................................I have spent the last 10 days in somewhat of a fog. As I mentioned in my last post, I went away for 24 hours to deal with all the raw emotions I have right now. On the way to the hotel I felt like I was going to barely be able to keep it together just to get myself checked in. But driving there I just kept hearing and seeing the words "I AM STRONG". I thought to myself ya know, I have lost a child for crying out loud and then my mother! I really am strong and I'm going to be able to do this.  

I got settled. I got out my journal, pen, bible and my MP3 player. I then took off all my clothes to change into the clothes I sleep in. I stood there and stared at myself in the long mirror completely naked. I looked at my body and the realization that unless I am miraculously healed, no matter what happens, no matter what procedure I end up having done, I will never look the same way I do at this very moment ever again after my surgery.

I had so many emotions flowing through me. I felt like someone drew blood from me only they didn't take blood, they took a huge part of ME, of my life, of my family, of my job, my normal routine. Then I was injected with change, fear, sadness, grief, questions, anger, nervousness, anxiety, and much more.

My brain doesn't stop. Since being diagnosed, I haven't really felt myself being overcome with fear or worry. It's really weird and hard to explain. Its more like just thousands of questions zooming through my head 90 miles an hour. And it is very hard to even pull one of the thoughts out to concentrate on because there are so many.

I started to journal by writing down every single thing I was angry at God about. I could feel the anger rise up within me along with sadness and tears. I ripped out a page of my spiral, wrote "GOD" in big letters, laid it on the bed and proceeded to beat it with my hairbrush. After just a few times, I stopped and grabbed my MP3 player to listen to some worship songs I had put on there about healing. And some other songs that just make me very emotional. I knew I was sad and needed to go ALL the way there rather than run from it. Its at times like these I would normally bury my head in Deryl's shoulders. But this was between me and my God.
I listened to the worship music and raised my hands in worship to him. I didn't have any bend in my elbows at all. They were stretched all the way out. When one got tired I'd just put it down and then switch to the other. I knew if there was just a way to touch the hem of his garment, I'd get through this.

When I think about how this isn't fair I think "What is fair?" We aren't born with some kind of guarantee life is ever going to be fair. Suddenly, I could feel the real Kelley slowly start to stand up. You know, the one on the inside who got knocked down when she found out she had breast cancer. Those words kept coming back to me...I AM STRONG. Then the fighter in me said "Where's the boxing gloves?"

This isn't going to get me. I am going to accomplish more knowing that I have cancer than I ever could have without it. I've always been a hard headed, controlling, stubborn brat! So I might as well take that part of my personality to take cancer by the horns and take it down. I am a fighter, I am not a quitter, I AM STRONG! This is about me grabbing hold of my God. This is about cancer NOT determining my fate nor my destiny.

Could my cancer actually be a gift to me? I mean, God is entrusting ME to take this and do something with it. I can't sit around and feel sorry for myself any longer. My attitude is everything, I truly believe it. Instead of letting this ruin my life, it is motivating me to eat better, to live better, to get better.

I grabbed my beat up piece of paper with God's name on it, smoothed it all out as nice as I could and held it tight on my chest and the following is what I said to him... The biggest part of me belongs to you God. I am a sold-out believer. You have my heart God. No matter where this journey takes me, I'm yours. I may have questions & I may not understand this, but I can only love you more. I thought to myself...

• What if through my journey and how I handle this experience, one person came to know my savior? Then it would be worth it.

• What if instead of making my children run away from God, it made them run to the arms of their God? Then it would be worth it. 

• What if my good friend who is grieving over the loss of someone dear to her found healing? Then it would be worth it. 

• What if one woman saved her life because she "Felt the Ta-Tas"?  Then it would be worth it.

I realized at this moment that I am a survivor NOW. I don't have to wait on surgery or chemo or radiation or some doctor to tell me so!! God gave me some great ideas on how to reach even more women through this and I was sure to write them all down. I felt so much better. I tossed and turned all night and woke up in tears, again. It has been a sad day and I went to visit Deryl at work and he was also having a sad day. My take away from all this emotional work is that I know I can face whatever lies ahead of me.

I will never be able to express my gratitude to all the people in our circle and even the people who don't even know us who have been reaching out to us. I so strongly feel your thoughts and prayers and I appreciate them greatly. You will never know how much you are helping us right now. I love you all and hope this extremely long post blesses you today.