I Love You

Deryl says........So now we are well into this chemo treatment. Kelley has handled everything pretty well so far. They said she would feel the worst about days 2 to 4 after chemo. And that has been true for her. Although she has not thrown up, she has had slight nausea. And she has had moments where she felt tired or just plain crappy. Food is starting to taste funny too. But by far the biggest concern is keeping everything disinfected in the house so she doesn't catch anything. Since chemo kills cancer and white blood cells her defenses against infections are lowered. She has had a fever a couple of times which has been a little concerning but so far she has fought them all off. It is funny how you don't think of all the places you can get infections until a doctor starts to tell you all of the things that you should avoid like any buffet or salad bar, pushing a grocery cart, a kitchen sponge, or any crowded place like church or a concert. You begin to realize how important your immune system really is and how much it fights off on a daily basis.
During this whole experience I have tried to be as honest as I can about the experience. Sharing most of my thoughts and feelings whether good or bad. Going through this experience with my family has brought out the best in me and the worst in me at times. I am grateful for all of it and hope I have the wisdom to learn from this whole experience. If you are going to suffer you might as well squeeze all of the benefits out of it that you can.
I do feel as if I am much better at focusing on what is important in life. I certainly don't do that all of the time. I still snap at my kids sometimes. I snapped at Kelley not too long ago and made her cry. I felt like a real good husband in that moment....not! But fortunately those types of moments are getting fewer and farther apart. I do feel more peace and more centered than ever before in my life. I will get nervous when Kelley gets a fever or develops a rash but I don't spend much time worrying or obsessing about things. From the outside life has not gotten better. As a matter of fact it would appear worse to anyone looking from the outside. So it seems strange even to me that I have more peace than ever. That peace comes from knowing I am loved by God more than I could ever communicate. It is this knowing that gives me peace that whatever happens is ultimately for the highest good for me, my family, and friends that are going through this with us.
It is a unique experience to feel loved by something unseen and intangible. I am not really sure how I even got to this place. I think I have some ideas but somehow I get the sense that it has been beyond my ability to ever get here of my own accord. It is a place of gratitude and confidence. A place where I feel as if I could handle anything the world wants to give. I hope I can transmit it to Kelley, my girls, and all of you. It would be nice to be able to stay in that place all of the time. Perhaps I will someday. Perhaps we all will. God willing. I love you all.

I'm with Einstein

Deryl says.........I have had a very solemn day today. I am normally very happy-go-lucky and sail through life with my head in the clouds. But today I have been pondering deeply the things of life. The thing is that at different times of my life it has felt very difficult. But in most cases it was my own direct actions that caused my difficult circumstances. But now I feel as if I am in difficult circumstances that are not of my own doing. But then I wonder did I do anything to contribute to this? I mean I know I did not give Kelley cancer. But did I make lifestyle choices that contributed to it? I mean Kelley wanted me to become a vegetarian many years ago and I told her I would never in my life give up steak. But I felt a tug within to do it. I knew it would make me healthier and Kelley healthier. But I wanted what I wanted. So now all these years later I am happily a vegetarian. I want to make it easier for Kelley and the girls to eat healthy. I never want to see anyone with cancer again. I read a study that showed that the US has the highest rate of breast cancer in the world and we also eat the highest percentage of animal fat and processed foods in our diets of any country in the world. And the study showed a correlation between diet and breast cancer. Japan had the lowest rate of breast cancer and also had the lowest percentage of animal fat and processed foods in their diet. So it appears that my choices have influenced to some degree what we are experiencing now. I am not blaming myself for this. I know Kelley is her own person and could have chosen differently. I also don't know if we had become vegetarians back then that she wouldn't still have cancer now. But what I do know is that there was a part of me that nudged me in that direction and I ignored it. I am not casting blame on myself or anyone else. I am simply stating that I have been pondering how something so seemingly insignificant could possibly have significant outcomes. That when that little voice inside nudges you to do something you know is good for you or your loved ones but you ignore it what are the consequences.
I call that little voice God. And I am paying a lot more attention to that voice than I did before. It is funny how impossible it seemed to give up meat before and how incredibly easy it is now. What changed? My thoughts are the only thing different. I still desired to eat meat when I first started and I still crave it sometimes. But the longer I don't eat it the less I think about eating it.
Life is precious and wonderful even in the hard times because it is a miracle. Einstein once said "in life you either see everything as a miracle or nothing as a miracle". I hope you see it as a miracle. There is no timetable for any of us. Kelley had a son that died at 3 months old and a mother who died at 53. I have a grandmother that is still alive and kicking at 92. Who decides these things? Is it God that takes a son and a mother early and let's someone else live past 100? I mean Kelley's son sure didn't make a choice that took his own life. The point is you can drive your self crazy trying to figure it out or you can take the advice of St. Paul who said "whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is of good report think on these things". Now is always the only moment you have to work with even when planning for the future you are doing it now. So take full advantage of the current moment. Life is always shorter than we expect. Do whatever you are doing with your whole heart and mind. Love life and life will love you back. It is a lesson that comes alive when the reality of death has been placed before you.