I Love You

Deryl says........So now we are well into this chemo treatment. Kelley has handled everything pretty well so far. They said she would feel the worst about days 2 to 4 after chemo. And that has been true for her. Although she has not thrown up, she has had slight nausea. And she has had moments where she felt tired or just plain crappy. Food is starting to taste funny too. But by far the biggest concern is keeping everything disinfected in the house so she doesn't catch anything. Since chemo kills cancer and white blood cells her defenses against infections are lowered. She has had a fever a couple of times which has been a little concerning but so far she has fought them all off. It is funny how you don't think of all the places you can get infections until a doctor starts to tell you all of the things that you should avoid like any buffet or salad bar, pushing a grocery cart, a kitchen sponge, or any crowded place like church or a concert. You begin to realize how important your immune system really is and how much it fights off on a daily basis.
During this whole experience I have tried to be as honest as I can about the experience. Sharing most of my thoughts and feelings whether good or bad. Going through this experience with my family has brought out the best in me and the worst in me at times. I am grateful for all of it and hope I have the wisdom to learn from this whole experience. If you are going to suffer you might as well squeeze all of the benefits out of it that you can.
I do feel as if I am much better at focusing on what is important in life. I certainly don't do that all of the time. I still snap at my kids sometimes. I snapped at Kelley not too long ago and made her cry. I felt like a real good husband in that moment....not! But fortunately those types of moments are getting fewer and farther apart. I do feel more peace and more centered than ever before in my life. I will get nervous when Kelley gets a fever or develops a rash but I don't spend much time worrying or obsessing about things. From the outside life has not gotten better. As a matter of fact it would appear worse to anyone looking from the outside. So it seems strange even to me that I have more peace than ever. That peace comes from knowing I am loved by God more than I could ever communicate. It is this knowing that gives me peace that whatever happens is ultimately for the highest good for me, my family, and friends that are going through this with us.
It is a unique experience to feel loved by something unseen and intangible. I am not really sure how I even got to this place. I think I have some ideas but somehow I get the sense that it has been beyond my ability to ever get here of my own accord. It is a place of gratitude and confidence. A place where I feel as if I could handle anything the world wants to give. I hope I can transmit it to Kelley, my girls, and all of you. It would be nice to be able to stay in that place all of the time. Perhaps I will someday. Perhaps we all will. God willing. I love you all.