Kelley says...............
Well, I haven't blogged in a few days so I thought I should at least check in and let everyone know how I have been doing this week. Chemo was on Friday. I didn't feel too bad Friday and Saturday, just really tired. Sunday night rolled around and I felt horrible. Just kind of like I was coming down with a major bug or the flu. Monday, just tired. Tuesday I went to work and as the morning progressed I could feel myself getting more tired and more weak and like I had a fever. I came home and sure enough, I had a fever of 99.5 and couldn't get it to come down until later in the evening. Also on Sunday, I noticed I had broken out in a rash all over my chest, back and neck. It didn't itch or anything. I took Benedryl and it is better today. I've had stomach aches and a few headaches but really overall it hasn't been too bad. I think God is protecting me while the chemo is doing its job. And I know you guys are such awesome prayer warriors. Boy, God sure does hear your prayers!
That just made me think to myself that you should believe that God will answer your prayers about your own situation as much as you are believing he will answer your prayers that you pray for me and my family. Hmmmm, that is a thought! It is always easier I guess to believe that God will come through for someone you love and care about. But I think he is wanting us all to see that there is real power in our prayers. We MUST lift each other up!! And thank you so much to everyone who shared a prayer request with me. That made me feel so good and I am so honored to be able to lift up your name in prayer!!
I will have hair for approximately 48 more hours. So far, I'm doing okay over it. Of course that is easy to say right now since I HAVE hair! Once I decided to make that night fun, I have had a sense of calm about it. I think it is all about not living in resistance. When I just settle in with what is happening and just realize that it just is what it is, it is easier. Besides, resisting or pretending it isn't going on won't help me any!!
Love you guys!
Showing posts with label recovery. Show all posts
Showing posts with label recovery. Show all posts
Wednesday, July 7, 2010
Saturday, June 12, 2010
Love Revolution Baby!
Deryl says......It was nice to be able to go back to work at the office this past week. It offer some sense of normalcy which for some reason brings a little comfort. Kelley is no longer suffering intense pain everyday. She is able to do more and more for herself which I know makes her feel better. Kelley has said all along that she was not real concerned about losing hers boobs. But it is starting to affect her now. She knows how much I love her and that I don't care but breasts are a symbol of womanhood. How can it not affect you when you lose them?
Kelley has handled this situation so amazingly well. She has a very emotional day about every 4 to 5 days. But she allows herself to feel what she is feeling and expresses it to those she loves and trusts verbally and shares much of it on this blog. Sometimes she will try to get down on herself for getting into a negative emotional state. But how could you not? Can you imagine anyone having any part of their body completely removed and not suffering through some kind of grieving process. I know I have felt my own grief through this and my body is still intact.
The thing about going through something like this is that it can actually allow you to deal with emotional wounds of the past as well. You are going to suffer through fear, anger, and pain when your family is battling cancer. So why not use that fear, anger, and pain to heal past hurts. Kelley mentioned that she was a life coach in her previous post (which was so moving and profound). I am a life coach as well. Kelley and I went through the same coaching program as clients and students together. Without being a client and then a coach I don't think either one of us could handle this situation as we have. The fact that I have allowed myself to weep openly and discuss it with others and even weep in front of others is such a huge step forward for me. Before I would have thought in my mind "quit acting like a girl". When the reality is it would greatly benefit many of us men to act a little more like girls when it comes to knowing and expressing our emotions. There was a time when something would be bothering me and Kelley would ask me what is wrong. I would always say "nothing". Because I was not even aware of the emotions I was feeling at the moment. Kelley would continue to question me about my day and would wind up discovering exactly what I was upset about. She would wind up saying something like "Deryl you are mad because your boss didn't go with your idea" or something similar. And I would realize she was exactly right. She could pinpoint my emotions better than I could myself. That is great if you have a wife that can do that and if she could be with you every second of the day. I am not an expert yet in recognizing and expressing my emotions but I am much better. And I can tell you life is much easier to handle when you express what you are feeling in a healthy and appropriate way.
I think in the past, on some level, I was afraid that if I acknowledged and expressed my feelings it would cause a flood of emotion I could not control. I thought that was weak and unmanly. I also feared I would hurt someone else with my expression of emotion. The thing is when I tried to keep it all in I was hurting myself and I would still hurt others. Because if you live with someone and are with them everyday you are at some point going to hurt their feelings. But by acknowledging how you feel and expressing it in a healthy way you will hurt them less and less often and become more healthy yourself.
I am a work in progress. As you can tell from my previous posts I still snap at my family sometimes and then feel guilty for it afterward. But I am getting better. And that is the key.
One thing that I have discovered and experienced at a deeper level than ever is the love of God and the love of others. Experiencing love either internally or through the actions of others and realizing that nothing in return is expected from you is revolutionary to your life. Then when your opportunity to love someone else presents itself it is so easy when you feel loved. It is as if your love for another has multiplied.
As I write this the macho side of me is saying what a bunch of mushy drivel. But that macho side of me is the side that directed me to actions that were destructive to myself and others. Anyone who knew me in high school and into my mid-twenties knows exactly what kind of behaviors I am referring to. I am not saying that men should not be masculine. I still love football and a good action movie. But men would be well served to redefine what masculinity means to them. Womanizing, stoic, emotionally distant, physically tough and superior to others are the types of definitions of manhood that are antiquated and should be obsolete. There is nothing more masculine than caring for your loved ones in a way that allows them to feel your love for them.
The place to start is to know and experience God's intense love for you. You do not have to be better for God to love you. You do not have to change for God to love you. You have not done anything in your past that has caused God to cease loving you. God forgives you before you even ask because he was never angry with you. God only wants the best for you and wants you to experience that love in a real and tangible way. I can tell you that He will do it if you will allow Him. I have done some despicable things in my past. Yet I can feel God's overwhelming love for me today. I have tried to fill up the emptiness in side with substances, things, and shallow relationships. I have lived what some would think is a dream life. I lived in the Cayman Islands right on the water. I made more money than I needed and had many short relationships with beautiful women. I had parties all the time and had many friends. Yet I can recall laying on the beach with a pretty girl staring at the stars and thinking to myself "Is this all there is?" I had some worthwhile and valuable experiences during that time as well. But so much of my time was consumed with trying to fill this internal void and I didn't even know I was doing it at the time. But the past no longer exists. It only exists in my mind when I remember it. Kelley mentioned in her post that we spend too much time looking behind us. We drag our past into our present and we see things today through the lens of our yesterdays. Today is all you have. This present moment is the only moment you can do anything with. You can plan actions for the future but when you act it is in the present moment. Let us bring our full attention to this moment and let go of our past. God chooses not to remember it so why should we. By letting go of our past we can bring our complete love an attention into this moment of life and pour out that love in every opportunity that presents itself to us. God loves me so that I can love you. I am starting a Love Revolution. Will you join me?
Kelley has handled this situation so amazingly well. She has a very emotional day about every 4 to 5 days. But she allows herself to feel what she is feeling and expresses it to those she loves and trusts verbally and shares much of it on this blog. Sometimes she will try to get down on herself for getting into a negative emotional state. But how could you not? Can you imagine anyone having any part of their body completely removed and not suffering through some kind of grieving process. I know I have felt my own grief through this and my body is still intact.
The thing about going through something like this is that it can actually allow you to deal with emotional wounds of the past as well. You are going to suffer through fear, anger, and pain when your family is battling cancer. So why not use that fear, anger, and pain to heal past hurts. Kelley mentioned that she was a life coach in her previous post (which was so moving and profound). I am a life coach as well. Kelley and I went through the same coaching program as clients and students together. Without being a client and then a coach I don't think either one of us could handle this situation as we have. The fact that I have allowed myself to weep openly and discuss it with others and even weep in front of others is such a huge step forward for me. Before I would have thought in my mind "quit acting like a girl". When the reality is it would greatly benefit many of us men to act a little more like girls when it comes to knowing and expressing our emotions. There was a time when something would be bothering me and Kelley would ask me what is wrong. I would always say "nothing". Because I was not even aware of the emotions I was feeling at the moment. Kelley would continue to question me about my day and would wind up discovering exactly what I was upset about. She would wind up saying something like "Deryl you are mad because your boss didn't go with your idea" or something similar. And I would realize she was exactly right. She could pinpoint my emotions better than I could myself. That is great if you have a wife that can do that and if she could be with you every second of the day. I am not an expert yet in recognizing and expressing my emotions but I am much better. And I can tell you life is much easier to handle when you express what you are feeling in a healthy and appropriate way.
I think in the past, on some level, I was afraid that if I acknowledged and expressed my feelings it would cause a flood of emotion I could not control. I thought that was weak and unmanly. I also feared I would hurt someone else with my expression of emotion. The thing is when I tried to keep it all in I was hurting myself and I would still hurt others. Because if you live with someone and are with them everyday you are at some point going to hurt their feelings. But by acknowledging how you feel and expressing it in a healthy way you will hurt them less and less often and become more healthy yourself.
I am a work in progress. As you can tell from my previous posts I still snap at my family sometimes and then feel guilty for it afterward. But I am getting better. And that is the key.
One thing that I have discovered and experienced at a deeper level than ever is the love of God and the love of others. Experiencing love either internally or through the actions of others and realizing that nothing in return is expected from you is revolutionary to your life. Then when your opportunity to love someone else presents itself it is so easy when you feel loved. It is as if your love for another has multiplied.
As I write this the macho side of me is saying what a bunch of mushy drivel. But that macho side of me is the side that directed me to actions that were destructive to myself and others. Anyone who knew me in high school and into my mid-twenties knows exactly what kind of behaviors I am referring to. I am not saying that men should not be masculine. I still love football and a good action movie. But men would be well served to redefine what masculinity means to them. Womanizing, stoic, emotionally distant, physically tough and superior to others are the types of definitions of manhood that are antiquated and should be obsolete. There is nothing more masculine than caring for your loved ones in a way that allows them to feel your love for them.
The place to start is to know and experience God's intense love for you. You do not have to be better for God to love you. You do not have to change for God to love you. You have not done anything in your past that has caused God to cease loving you. God forgives you before you even ask because he was never angry with you. God only wants the best for you and wants you to experience that love in a real and tangible way. I can tell you that He will do it if you will allow Him. I have done some despicable things in my past. Yet I can feel God's overwhelming love for me today. I have tried to fill up the emptiness in side with substances, things, and shallow relationships. I have lived what some would think is a dream life. I lived in the Cayman Islands right on the water. I made more money than I needed and had many short relationships with beautiful women. I had parties all the time and had many friends. Yet I can recall laying on the beach with a pretty girl staring at the stars and thinking to myself "Is this all there is?" I had some worthwhile and valuable experiences during that time as well. But so much of my time was consumed with trying to fill this internal void and I didn't even know I was doing it at the time. But the past no longer exists. It only exists in my mind when I remember it. Kelley mentioned in her post that we spend too much time looking behind us. We drag our past into our present and we see things today through the lens of our yesterdays. Today is all you have. This present moment is the only moment you can do anything with. You can plan actions for the future but when you act it is in the present moment. Let us bring our full attention to this moment and let go of our past. God chooses not to remember it so why should we. By letting go of our past we can bring our complete love an attention into this moment of life and pour out that love in every opportunity that presents itself to us. God loves me so that I can love you. I am starting a Love Revolution. Will you join me?
Thursday, June 3, 2010
Caregiving and The Booby Fairy
Deryl says....I can't believe it has been a week since I posted last. It has been a whirlwind of a week. After Kelley's sister left all the caregiving fell to me. I have loved being able to demonstrate my love to Kelley. It is just overwhelming to realize how much needs to be done. Not just the caregiving part but that plus the house, the girls, and work. I don't know what I would have done if people weren't bringing meals everyday. And thank you to everyone who has brought meals to us. You have made this much easier for us.
It has been nice to see Kelley get better and more independent everyday. That light in her eyes gets brighter and brighter. It is great because she has had some moments of fear, frustration and pain. It is easy to listen and try to calm her fears or vent her frustrations. But man, watching her suffer in pain. That is the worst part of this by far. To know your loved one is hurting and not being able to do anything about it is tough. You feel helpless and out of control. That is not a fun place to be. But fortunately as she gets better those memories fade quickly. The joy of getting drain tubes out or finding out that a complication is getting better replaces those old negative thoughts.
Watching Kelley become more of the wonderful person she is has been very charming. One of the greatest moments this week happened when I was in bed asleep. It was early in the morning. I felt this tapping on my leg. I thought one of the girls was trying to wake me up. I rolled over ready to answer the tap with a grumpy "What?!" when I saw that it was Kelley. She had crawled in to bed just so she could lay next to me because we have not laid next to one another since she had surgery. What I want you to realize is that this was no easy task for her and if she had not been able to wake me up there was no way she could have gotten back up on her own. I know it was painful and it was a risk for her to crawl up next to me. I could have rolled over in my sleep and hit her in a spot that could have caused her even more pain. That is why it was such a sweet gesture and meant so much to me.
When Kelley's sister was here helping it was easier. I almost thought "this is all there is to it?". Kelley was doing well. She didn't seem to be suffering nearly as much as I thought she would. Everything seemed to be getting done fairly easily. Then Kelley started taking less pain medication and trying to do more. And then Pam left and was no longer here to help. Then I was in my second week of not sleeping through the night so I could make sure Kelley took her medication And when Kelley tried to do more it would cause her pain. And that is when feelings of overwhelm would crop up. Which is unusual because it is not something I am used to feeling. But wondering how everything that needs to be done is going to get done has been just more overwhelming than I expected. You have to decide what you are going to let go of and what you are going to do because there is just no way to get it all done. Thankfully, we have been blessed with great family and friends who have been helping as much as they can. I don't know how people do this without the help of others. It could really drive someone off the deep end if they didn't have the kind of support we had. And Kelley being such a good and thoughtful patient also makes it so much easier.
Kelly makes it as funny as possible. She keeps talking about when the booby fairy will visit. The other day we were watching the TV and there was a lady on in a bikini who must have had good boobs because Kelley yelled "Deryl look! I want those right there." Unfortunately I missed it but we laughed about how before she probably would have done something to take my attention away from the TV so I wouldn't see them and now she is yelling at me to look. My how life changes.
It has been nice to see Kelley get better and more independent everyday. That light in her eyes gets brighter and brighter. It is great because she has had some moments of fear, frustration and pain. It is easy to listen and try to calm her fears or vent her frustrations. But man, watching her suffer in pain. That is the worst part of this by far. To know your loved one is hurting and not being able to do anything about it is tough. You feel helpless and out of control. That is not a fun place to be. But fortunately as she gets better those memories fade quickly. The joy of getting drain tubes out or finding out that a complication is getting better replaces those old negative thoughts.
Watching Kelley become more of the wonderful person she is has been very charming. One of the greatest moments this week happened when I was in bed asleep. It was early in the morning. I felt this tapping on my leg. I thought one of the girls was trying to wake me up. I rolled over ready to answer the tap with a grumpy "What?!" when I saw that it was Kelley. She had crawled in to bed just so she could lay next to me because we have not laid next to one another since she had surgery. What I want you to realize is that this was no easy task for her and if she had not been able to wake me up there was no way she could have gotten back up on her own. I know it was painful and it was a risk for her to crawl up next to me. I could have rolled over in my sleep and hit her in a spot that could have caused her even more pain. That is why it was such a sweet gesture and meant so much to me.
When Kelley's sister was here helping it was easier. I almost thought "this is all there is to it?". Kelley was doing well. She didn't seem to be suffering nearly as much as I thought she would. Everything seemed to be getting done fairly easily. Then Kelley started taking less pain medication and trying to do more. And then Pam left and was no longer here to help. Then I was in my second week of not sleeping through the night so I could make sure Kelley took her medication And when Kelley tried to do more it would cause her pain. And that is when feelings of overwhelm would crop up. Which is unusual because it is not something I am used to feeling. But wondering how everything that needs to be done is going to get done has been just more overwhelming than I expected. You have to decide what you are going to let go of and what you are going to do because there is just no way to get it all done. Thankfully, we have been blessed with great family and friends who have been helping as much as they can. I don't know how people do this without the help of others. It could really drive someone off the deep end if they didn't have the kind of support we had. And Kelley being such a good and thoughtful patient also makes it so much easier.
Kelly makes it as funny as possible. She keeps talking about when the booby fairy will visit. The other day we were watching the TV and there was a lady on in a bikini who must have had good boobs because Kelley yelled "Deryl look! I want those right there." Unfortunately I missed it but we laughed about how before she probably would have done something to take my attention away from the TV so I wouldn't see them and now she is yelling at me to look. My how life changes.
Monday, May 31, 2010
Complaints & Tears
Kelley says..............
My life before cancer did not consist of very many tears. I never have been much of a crier or a complainer. Actually, people who cry all the time and/or complain a lot tend to irritate me, or they used to anyway. It seems as though every single thing I have ever judged someone else for seems to happen to me. I guess you could say the scripture that has come to life in my own life is "Do not judge, or you too will be judged" Matthew 7:1 (NIV)
Today I woke up in tears and have had a hard time holding it together. So, I thought I would just turn to my blog and allow myself to just go with my feelings, allow myself to complain for a couple of minutes and then go deep within myself and pull out of this funk so I can have a good day. So here goes....
Humor seems to always help pull me out of the down times. I'm starting to feel better and the tears have stopped streaming down my face. So, that is a good sign. One good thing about these kind of days is that after going through life-coaching, I have a huge tool box of ways to dig myself out of the "ruts" of life. I know how to pull myself back up. It isn't always easy but the majority of the time I am very positive about life and have a great attitude and outlook on everything. So, that is what I am doing now. Pulling myself back up from a dark place of tears, sadness and complaining. Back up to the positive. So, I must end this post with the positive side of all that is.
My life before cancer did not consist of very many tears. I never have been much of a crier or a complainer. Actually, people who cry all the time and/or complain a lot tend to irritate me, or they used to anyway. It seems as though every single thing I have ever judged someone else for seems to happen to me. I guess you could say the scripture that has come to life in my own life is "Do not judge, or you too will be judged" Matthew 7:1 (NIV)
Today I woke up in tears and have had a hard time holding it together. So, I thought I would just turn to my blog and allow myself to just go with my feelings, allow myself to complain for a couple of minutes and then go deep within myself and pull out of this funk so I can have a good day. So here goes....
- I want to sleep in bed with my husband and not in a recliner next to my bed.
- I want to go to the pool with my children.
- I want to stop crying.
- I want to take my kids shopping by myself.
- I want to drive myself wherever I want to go.
- I want to be able to clean my house and do my laundry, yes, I said that out loud!
- I want to be able to be intimate with my hubby.
- I am sick and tired and did I mention SICK & TIRED of having drain tubes that hurt me.
- I am tired of needing help and assistance.
- I want to sleep on my side again.
- I am tired of Neosporin.
- I am tired of gauze and band-aids.
- I am tired of the side effects of pain medication.
- I am tired of going to doctor appointments.
- I wish I could just take 10 days of antibiotics and be all better.
- I want all my medical bills to magically disappear.
- I want to go away somewhere with my family.
- I want to go to church.
- I don't want my kids and Deryl to have to go through this.
- I miss Naomi.
- I miss my sister.
- I want to see my best friend.
- I want to take a "quick" shower.
- I want my dog to get better (his leg is hurt and we can't afford the vet bill)
- I just can't help but complain one last time about how irritating drain tubes are!!!!
Humor seems to always help pull me out of the down times. I'm starting to feel better and the tears have stopped streaming down my face. So, that is a good sign. One good thing about these kind of days is that after going through life-coaching, I have a huge tool box of ways to dig myself out of the "ruts" of life. I know how to pull myself back up. It isn't always easy but the majority of the time I am very positive about life and have a great attitude and outlook on everything. So, that is what I am doing now. Pulling myself back up from a dark place of tears, sadness and complaining. Back up to the positive. So, I must end this post with the positive side of all that is.
- In March, I randomly decided to do a self-breast exam because I am now 40 years old.
- My gynecologist is the one who referred me to Solis Women's Healthcare and to my breast surgeon. I randomly picked her from a list of gynecologists 8 years ago. I totally believe God lead me to her and I have never known why until now.
- My breast surgeon referred me to my awesome plastic surgeon who totally rocks.
- My cancer was Grade One and Stage One, couldn't ask for a better prognosis.
- I found Baylor All Saints in Fort Worth.
- I am alive!
- I have the best church family in all the world!
- I have awesome family and friends who love us all.
- I have the best husband in the entire world.
- My kids take such good care of me and are handling this so very well.
- I have health insurance.
- Deryl's job is allowing him to work from home so he can help me.
- I'm not having to go through this alone.
- I have new friends that are also survivors which help me know I'm gonna be okay and get through the hard times.
- God gave me the idea for my blog.
- I serve a great big God and have never once said "Why me?"
- I have had the privilege of informing other women about the importance of self-breast exams and I have NO doubt that I will contribute to helping save the lives of other women.
- My job has been so understanding and patient.
- The girls are almost out of school and will be home to help me.
- We appreciate each other more.
- We appreciate life so much more.
- Prayers, support and kindness from many people who I don't even know.
- We have completely changed our eating habits.
- I have been given a platform to help other women.
- I believe I am now CANCER FREE!!
Saturday, May 29, 2010
Complication Update
Kelley says.............
Dr. Kunkel ended up calling me last night around 9:15 and told me he wanted me to go ahead and come in this morning so he could take a look at it. I truly believe that the reason he called was because everyone was praying. I went in and he went ahead and took out some of the saline from the tissue expander. He took all the bandaging off and said that where the lump was removed was a little dark and pink so we need to watch that too. On the spot where I am having the complication a big blister actually formed and filled with fluid right on top of the red spot. So he removed that as well. I have never been so thankful to not have feeling in my chest because I didn't feel a thing!
So anyway, he said that this will either get better or we will have to go in and remove that skin. The worst case scenario would be that I have to get the expander replaced or removed all together. But I am believing that because everyone has been praying that God was the one that let the doctor call last night and that God gave him the wisdom to do what he did today and that I am going to get better!! So please continue to pray that my body will continue to heal and recover the way it is supposed to. And that I will stay calm and at peace.
Kelley
Dr. Kunkel ended up calling me last night around 9:15 and told me he wanted me to go ahead and come in this morning so he could take a look at it. I truly believe that the reason he called was because everyone was praying. I went in and he went ahead and took out some of the saline from the tissue expander. He took all the bandaging off and said that where the lump was removed was a little dark and pink so we need to watch that too. On the spot where I am having the complication a big blister actually formed and filled with fluid right on top of the red spot. So he removed that as well. I have never been so thankful to not have feeling in my chest because I didn't feel a thing!
So anyway, he said that this will either get better or we will have to go in and remove that skin. The worst case scenario would be that I have to get the expander replaced or removed all together. But I am believing that because everyone has been praying that God was the one that let the doctor call last night and that God gave him the wisdom to do what he did today and that I am going to get better!! So please continue to pray that my body will continue to heal and recover the way it is supposed to. And that I will stay calm and at peace.
Kelley
Friday, May 28, 2010
2 Steps forward, another step back
Kelley says........
Today, my sister-in-law came over and spent the day with me. A good friend came by to visit and she brought me food and a gorgeous pink bag filled with Estee Lauder goodies. Another friend came by and brought her precious 4 week old baby girl and let me hold her for a LONG time.
About 4 days ago, I noticed a red spot probably about the size of a nickel near the surgery site. When I went in to the doctor yesterday, he said that we really needed to watch it. That sometimes the blood supply to the area doesn't re-establish itself. But he said he wasn't too worried about it but we just needed to keep a good eye on it. Today, it is more purple looking and the skin on top looks kind of like a blister. It doesn't hurt but I don't have feeling there anymore so that really isn't a good indication of anything.
So anyway, we called him today to tell him about it and they just said that sometimes these things just work themselves out on their own and other times it requires another surgery. I am a nervous wreck. I took a Zanax and it hasn't phased me a bit. I have been so calm and at peace during this whole thing up until now. I have been praying myself and have asked everyone else to pray that I would not have any complications. I don't know why I am having a hard time right now. I just feel like I could totally break down. This is just so hard. This is the 4th occasion that I had a wonderful day during the day and then a major setback. I hate this. I so want to get back to normal. I just want it all to be okay and go on with my life. It is at these times when I realize how serious this is and just SO wish this was just a simple deal and I could move on.
I have healed so much and made so much progress. I just can't imagine if I had to go in for a second surgery. Even if it wouldn't be near as major as the last one, I don't want to have to endure that. I already will have to have another surgery at the end of my reconstruction and this is all just so overwhelming.
The scripture coming to me right now as I type is "Be still and know that I am God". Hmmmmm, guess I need to meditate on that and go with it. I mean, if God could prompt me to do the self-exam in the first place and detect this so early, surely he can heal me of this and I could wake up tomorrow morning and it be much better! I never realized how much I am depending on all of you to lift me up in prayer. Because right now, I am in tears and feel like I can't do this another day. So please pray for me. I know this is just a rough time at this very moment and the enemy would love nothing more than for me to give up. But that is just not my style. I will have a good cry, dust myself off, and pick myself back up and get through this.
Thank you all again a million times over for being there for me. I can't tell you how much it means to me to be able to type these words and know that someone is out there reading it who love me and care for me.
I'll keep you all posted.
Kelley
Today, my sister-in-law came over and spent the day with me. A good friend came by to visit and she brought me food and a gorgeous pink bag filled with Estee Lauder goodies. Another friend came by and brought her precious 4 week old baby girl and let me hold her for a LONG time.
About 4 days ago, I noticed a red spot probably about the size of a nickel near the surgery site. When I went in to the doctor yesterday, he said that we really needed to watch it. That sometimes the blood supply to the area doesn't re-establish itself. But he said he wasn't too worried about it but we just needed to keep a good eye on it. Today, it is more purple looking and the skin on top looks kind of like a blister. It doesn't hurt but I don't have feeling there anymore so that really isn't a good indication of anything.
So anyway, we called him today to tell him about it and they just said that sometimes these things just work themselves out on their own and other times it requires another surgery. I am a nervous wreck. I took a Zanax and it hasn't phased me a bit. I have been so calm and at peace during this whole thing up until now. I have been praying myself and have asked everyone else to pray that I would not have any complications. I don't know why I am having a hard time right now. I just feel like I could totally break down. This is just so hard. This is the 4th occasion that I had a wonderful day during the day and then a major setback. I hate this. I so want to get back to normal. I just want it all to be okay and go on with my life. It is at these times when I realize how serious this is and just SO wish this was just a simple deal and I could move on.
I have healed so much and made so much progress. I just can't imagine if I had to go in for a second surgery. Even if it wouldn't be near as major as the last one, I don't want to have to endure that. I already will have to have another surgery at the end of my reconstruction and this is all just so overwhelming.
The scripture coming to me right now as I type is "Be still and know that I am God". Hmmmmm, guess I need to meditate on that and go with it. I mean, if God could prompt me to do the self-exam in the first place and detect this so early, surely he can heal me of this and I could wake up tomorrow morning and it be much better! I never realized how much I am depending on all of you to lift me up in prayer. Because right now, I am in tears and feel like I can't do this another day. So please pray for me. I know this is just a rough time at this very moment and the enemy would love nothing more than for me to give up. But that is just not my style. I will have a good cry, dust myself off, and pick myself back up and get through this.
Thank you all again a million times over for being there for me. I can't tell you how much it means to me to be able to type these words and know that someone is out there reading it who love me and care for me.
I'll keep you all posted.
Kelley
Sunday, May 23, 2010
Recovery Time
Deryl says.......The whole house is asleep right now. Kelley's sister has left to go home. I was so glad she was here to help. It would have been very overwhelming if she wasn't. The combination of all the tasks that need to be done and emotional nature of the situation could make a person crazy. I don't know how people handle this without help. If it weren't for family and friends this would be so much more difficult than it is.
The hardest part of all this is seeing Kelley suffer whether physical or emotional. I was helping Kelley bathe on Saturday and she started crying. She was upset that she couldn't even bathe herself. I can only imagine how it feels to be that helpless. At least she knows that I don't mind helping. I actually enjoy helping her. She looked at her chest this morning for the first time. That was a moment I was really afraid of. I was afraid she would think she looked like a freak and wonder how I could love her. But she didn't even cry when she saw it. She just said it looked much better than she expected which is exactly what I told her after I saw it. Kelley said it might have been much more difficult if not for our good friend who had already been through this. She informed Kelley of all the things she could expect to see, hear, and feel while enduring this process. So there have not been any real surprises for Kelley. And that definitely has made it easier for her.
Kelley told me that my reaction when I first saw her without the bandages has made it easier as well. I was really happy to hear that because I was very concerned about it. I did not want to react in a way that would concern her or make her feel bad. It is not that I was concerned that I would be repulsed. My concern was if it looked like it would be very painful or if it looked like it would cause her to hate the way she looked to herself. I was afraid that if it looked that way I might cry. And even though it would be a cry for her she might read it completely different. The great thing is when I saw her without bandages for the first time I didn't even have time to think about my reaction. Which, she told me, made it even more comforting for her. That is a moment I will always be grateful for because it has made such a positive impact on Kelley.
I can see that Heather and Rachel are going to need to get out of the house more. They are used to being out and about much more than they have been over the last few days. I don't want them to wind up going stir crazy. But they have been very helpful and sweet. I am so very grateful for that.
As for me, I am tired. But I am also hopeful. This won't last forever and knowing Kelley is cancer free is very comforting. We will still have to see an oncologist to find out if she will require chemo or not. Hopefully not but we will cross that bridge when we get there. Right now all the focus is on getting Kelley back to being the energetic wife and mother she was before.
The hardest part of all this is seeing Kelley suffer whether physical or emotional. I was helping Kelley bathe on Saturday and she started crying. She was upset that she couldn't even bathe herself. I can only imagine how it feels to be that helpless. At least she knows that I don't mind helping. I actually enjoy helping her. She looked at her chest this morning for the first time. That was a moment I was really afraid of. I was afraid she would think she looked like a freak and wonder how I could love her. But she didn't even cry when she saw it. She just said it looked much better than she expected which is exactly what I told her after I saw it. Kelley said it might have been much more difficult if not for our good friend who had already been through this. She informed Kelley of all the things she could expect to see, hear, and feel while enduring this process. So there have not been any real surprises for Kelley. And that definitely has made it easier for her.
Kelley told me that my reaction when I first saw her without the bandages has made it easier as well. I was really happy to hear that because I was very concerned about it. I did not want to react in a way that would concern her or make her feel bad. It is not that I was concerned that I would be repulsed. My concern was if it looked like it would be very painful or if it looked like it would cause her to hate the way she looked to herself. I was afraid that if it looked that way I might cry. And even though it would be a cry for her she might read it completely different. The great thing is when I saw her without bandages for the first time I didn't even have time to think about my reaction. Which, she told me, made it even more comforting for her. That is a moment I will always be grateful for because it has made such a positive impact on Kelley.
I can see that Heather and Rachel are going to need to get out of the house more. They are used to being out and about much more than they have been over the last few days. I don't want them to wind up going stir crazy. But they have been very helpful and sweet. I am so very grateful for that.
As for me, I am tired. But I am also hopeful. This won't last forever and knowing Kelley is cancer free is very comforting. We will still have to see an oncologist to find out if she will require chemo or not. Hopefully not but we will cross that bridge when we get there. Right now all the focus is on getting Kelley back to being the energetic wife and mother she was before.
Saturday, May 22, 2010
Rough Morning
Kelley says..........
Deryl helped me get a shower this morning and being the independent person that I am, that was really a humbling experience. But he was very sweet & gentle with me. I can't believe I was diagnosed with this on April 12th, 2010. Yet yesterday I think was the 1st time this all really started setting in. Today during my shower and having to sit there still while Deryl & my sister drained my tubes and helped me get dressed there was just no more denying what is happening to me and this was all done in order for me to live a longer and healthier life. If I had to do it over again, I still would have made the same choice.
Today has been a painful day. I'm very sore and kind of nauseated. Just not very comfortable. They warned me and now I know it to be true that the drains are the worst. And on top of that, I feel like I am getting a big fever blister on my top lip. BUT, I told Deryl last night that regardless of how my life ends up, I will still love my God. HE and HE ALONE is my real DADDY!! Regardless of what my life looks like on the outside, I love God with all of who I am. I can't live without him.
On a funny note, Deryl told me this morning not to worry about my boobs because my butt has always been my best feature. I said "Well after all of this, my boobs BETTER be my best feature"!!!!!!!!!!!!
Deryl helped me get a shower this morning and being the independent person that I am, that was really a humbling experience. But he was very sweet & gentle with me. I can't believe I was diagnosed with this on April 12th, 2010. Yet yesterday I think was the 1st time this all really started setting in. Today during my shower and having to sit there still while Deryl & my sister drained my tubes and helped me get dressed there was just no more denying what is happening to me and this was all done in order for me to live a longer and healthier life. If I had to do it over again, I still would have made the same choice.
Today has been a painful day. I'm very sore and kind of nauseated. Just not very comfortable. They warned me and now I know it to be true that the drains are the worst. And on top of that, I feel like I am getting a big fever blister on my top lip. BUT, I told Deryl last night that regardless of how my life ends up, I will still love my God. HE and HE ALONE is my real DADDY!! Regardless of what my life looks like on the outside, I love God with all of who I am. I can't live without him.
On a funny note, Deryl told me this morning not to worry about my boobs because my butt has always been my best feature. I said "Well after all of this, my boobs BETTER be my best feature"!!!!!!!!!!!!
Friday, May 21, 2010
Bandages Off
Kelley says.................
I got up this morning and my sister took me to a friends salon that is real close to the house to get my hair washed and dried. It was so nice of her to do that for me. I don't feel so gross now. Then, it was off to my post-op appointment with Dr. Kunkle in Fort Worth. Before I saw him, his nurse came in and took off all of the gauze, tape and bandages of any kind. My sister and Deryl were sitting in the room. I didn't want to be left alone so I let them stay in the room with me. I didn't even look. I still haven't looked. Everyone said I was already healing really, really good.
It was at this moment that the reality of what all I am really going through started to hit me. How much I can't believe I am sitting here in pain having just had every cell good or bad removed from both of my breasts to help me live. The doctor came in to talk to me and he was just so nice. Deryl & my sister Pam have just been so helpful to me. I thought I would never want for Deryl to see me like this but he has so much love for me that just pours out of him each and every time he looks at me.
I felt bad for my sister too because she took care of my moms drains. I know this whole experience must bring back many memories for her. But I tell you what, she is a real trooper. I know it is hard for them to see me like this. The caretakers see it all. They see when I am crying, they see when I go to the bathroom, they see when I laugh or make a joke, they see when I am writhing in pain. So they see the good, the bad and the really ugly. But they just keep on keepin' on. Thank you for all your prayers and for all your support. And a great big thank you to everyone who has been wearing pink in my honor. That has made me feel so good!!
Love,
Kelley
I got up this morning and my sister took me to a friends salon that is real close to the house to get my hair washed and dried. It was so nice of her to do that for me. I don't feel so gross now. Then, it was off to my post-op appointment with Dr. Kunkle in Fort Worth. Before I saw him, his nurse came in and took off all of the gauze, tape and bandages of any kind. My sister and Deryl were sitting in the room. I didn't want to be left alone so I let them stay in the room with me. I didn't even look. I still haven't looked. Everyone said I was already healing really, really good.
It was at this moment that the reality of what all I am really going through started to hit me. How much I can't believe I am sitting here in pain having just had every cell good or bad removed from both of my breasts to help me live. The doctor came in to talk to me and he was just so nice. Deryl & my sister Pam have just been so helpful to me. I thought I would never want for Deryl to see me like this but he has so much love for me that just pours out of him each and every time he looks at me.
I felt bad for my sister too because she took care of my moms drains. I know this whole experience must bring back many memories for her. But I tell you what, she is a real trooper. I know it is hard for them to see me like this. The caretakers see it all. They see when I am crying, they see when I go to the bathroom, they see when I laugh or make a joke, they see when I am writhing in pain. So they see the good, the bad and the really ugly. But they just keep on keepin' on. Thank you for all your prayers and for all your support. And a great big thank you to everyone who has been wearing pink in my honor. That has made me feel so good!!
Love,
Kelley
Surgery Recovery
Kelley says........................
They were giving me Darvicet which was only taking the edge off. So they ended up giving me Codeine along with some Fenergan and that worked great. But they did work great. They also gave me a muscle relaxer. That REALLY helped me a lot.
I had so much I wanted to say today but it has taken me almost two hours to get this short blog entry done. If you want to come by for a short visit, please just give us a call. Thanks so Much!!!!!!!!
They were giving me Darvicet which was only taking the edge off. So they ended up giving me Codeine along with some Fenergan and that worked great. But they did work great. They also gave me a muscle relaxer. That REALLY helped me a lot.
I had so much I wanted to say today but it has taken me almost two hours to get this short blog entry done. If you want to come by for a short visit, please just give us a call. Thanks so Much!!!!!!!!
Let's Get Ready to Rumble!
Deryl says.......It is my first evening as caregiver for Kelley and I don't know how I would have handled it if Kelley's sister was not here. It is not the actual care giving that is stressful but trying to remember what to do, how to do it, and when. We had our first scare tonight as Pam and I were helping Kelley with her drain tubes. She got queasy and felt faint. We had to sit her down and get a cold rag for her head. She was very frightened that she might throw up and how painful it would be. It causes her so much pain just to hiccup. I was afraid throwing up might cause her to pass out. Fortunately we made it through without any issues.
Kelley was in a lot of pain most of the day. It was very difficult to watch her struggle with that so much today. Of course I am sure it was much harder for her. The thing that makes it difficult is that I cannot do anything for her. I am helpless in making her pain go away. I just try to focus on the end result which is a long cancer free life together. That helps me get through a day like today.
She really enjoyed all the visitors that came by. It helped her spirits. She had so many people she did not know that prayed for her and wore pink in support for her. That really touched her as well. If you are so inclined feel free to come visit her. I think it helps get her mind off of what she is going through to have conversations with friends. Although she is physically frail right now she is strong mentally. She has a great attitude. She is even cracking jokes. We were talking about how strange it feels to be going through this. Then she said at least she was never really attached to her boobs. And now they really aren't attached to her. I think we laughed for five minutes over that one.
Life has new meaning now. It is more precious than it was before. We are both so much more grateful to have each other. I can't tell you how many times we have said I love you with tears in our eyes in the last couple of days. We had a moment alone yesterday and she let me brush her hair. I felt so much love for her at that moment. It was one of those intimate moments you just cannot put into words. More intimate than sex even. Because it comes from a different place than romance. It comes from a higher place. It is a love that comes through you rather than from you. It is God loving Kelley through me. I am just grateful to be the one that gets to experience it all.
Heather and Rachel have been so sweet. They have been so brave. Kelley looked better than they thought she would in the hospital. But I think tonight's scare frightened them. Although they knew this was a serious situation I think tonight it really sunk in for both of them. They really hate leaving her at all. I understand how they feel. You wish in these moments you could just push the pause button on life while you recover. But you can't. Life keeps moving with or without you. It is worth fighting for though. And so we fight. And will continue to fight.
Kelley was in a lot of pain most of the day. It was very difficult to watch her struggle with that so much today. Of course I am sure it was much harder for her. The thing that makes it difficult is that I cannot do anything for her. I am helpless in making her pain go away. I just try to focus on the end result which is a long cancer free life together. That helps me get through a day like today.
She really enjoyed all the visitors that came by. It helped her spirits. She had so many people she did not know that prayed for her and wore pink in support for her. That really touched her as well. If you are so inclined feel free to come visit her. I think it helps get her mind off of what she is going through to have conversations with friends. Although she is physically frail right now she is strong mentally. She has a great attitude. She is even cracking jokes. We were talking about how strange it feels to be going through this. Then she said at least she was never really attached to her boobs. And now they really aren't attached to her. I think we laughed for five minutes over that one.
Life has new meaning now. It is more precious than it was before. We are both so much more grateful to have each other. I can't tell you how many times we have said I love you with tears in our eyes in the last couple of days. We had a moment alone yesterday and she let me brush her hair. I felt so much love for her at that moment. It was one of those intimate moments you just cannot put into words. More intimate than sex even. Because it comes from a different place than romance. It comes from a higher place. It is a love that comes through you rather than from you. It is God loving Kelley through me. I am just grateful to be the one that gets to experience it all.
Heather and Rachel have been so sweet. They have been so brave. Kelley looked better than they thought she would in the hospital. But I think tonight's scare frightened them. Although they knew this was a serious situation I think tonight it really sunk in for both of them. They really hate leaving her at all. I understand how they feel. You wish in these moments you could just push the pause button on life while you recover. But you can't. Life keeps moving with or without you. It is worth fighting for though. And so we fight. And will continue to fight.
Thursday, May 20, 2010
There is no Place Like Home
Deryl says.......We are waiting for the doctor to come by and release
Kelley today. The surgery went well and she is recovering nicely. She is in
a lot of pain at times but she is handling it well.
The day of the surgery was the worst for me and Kelley. She spent much of
the morning crying and nervous. And I spent it as a jumble of nerves. It
was the most anxious I have ever felt in my life. Even more than when my
preemie daughters were in ICU and on life support. At least then I did not
know it was coming. We have known about this for awhile. It was like a
crescendo of nervous energy that has been building for over a week. As soon
as she was out of surgery and I knew she was ok it all left. But before
that I was fidgety and pacing about.
There are so many points during this journey when you think to yourself "I
cannot believe this is happening". Not in a "why me" way. Instead it just
feels surreal. With cancer you don't look sick or feel sick in the
beginning. There is nothing tangible. There are just pictures you don't
really understand and words from the doctor pronouncing cancer over your
loved one.
Kelley looked so healthy she practically glowed before surgery. That glow
is gone for the moment but you can see the brightness in her eyes
increasing everyday. And she is healthier today than she was Monday.
Recovery is going to be difficult for Kelley. I can see that already. It is
a "two steps forward and one step back" process. She will live and feel
fine eventually. And that is what is most important.
We have had so much support. Friends and family came to our house before
surgery to pray for us. And then more came to the hospital and stayed most
if not all of the day. Kelley loved seeing all of those people. It
encouraged her greatly.
Kelley has handled this amazingly well. She is so sweet and calm with
everyone. Even when she is in great pain she is sweet and endearing to
everyone who comes in to visit. She has had her picture taken with all the
nurses and doctors. I will post a couple of pictures later.
Kelley today. The surgery went well and she is recovering nicely. She is in
a lot of pain at times but she is handling it well.
The day of the surgery was the worst for me and Kelley. She spent much of
the morning crying and nervous. And I spent it as a jumble of nerves. It
was the most anxious I have ever felt in my life. Even more than when my
preemie daughters were in ICU and on life support. At least then I did not
know it was coming. We have known about this for awhile. It was like a
crescendo of nervous energy that has been building for over a week. As soon
as she was out of surgery and I knew she was ok it all left. But before
that I was fidgety and pacing about.
There are so many points during this journey when you think to yourself "I
cannot believe this is happening". Not in a "why me" way. Instead it just
feels surreal. With cancer you don't look sick or feel sick in the
beginning. There is nothing tangible. There are just pictures you don't
really understand and words from the doctor pronouncing cancer over your
loved one.
Kelley looked so healthy she practically glowed before surgery. That glow
is gone for the moment but you can see the brightness in her eyes
increasing everyday. And she is healthier today than she was Monday.
Recovery is going to be difficult for Kelley. I can see that already. It is
a "two steps forward and one step back" process. She will live and feel
fine eventually. And that is what is most important.
We have had so much support. Friends and family came to our house before
surgery to pray for us. And then more came to the hospital and stayed most
if not all of the day. Kelley loved seeing all of those people. It
encouraged her greatly.
Kelley has handled this amazingly well. She is so sweet and calm with
everyone. Even when she is in great pain she is sweet and endearing to
everyone who comes in to visit. She has had her picture taken with all the
nurses and doctors. I will post a couple of pictures later.
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