Reality sets in

Kelley says................(longest post known to man!)


Well, I think my last several posts have been encouraging and inspiring. Today, maybe not so much. At first, I was reluctant to even want to blog about this because there are so many people who read my blog that I know from church. But, I really felt God tugging at my heart asking me "Why do I have my blog?" Well, one reason is to keep everyone informed about what is going on with our situation. But the biggest reason of all has always been to promote the importance of self-breast exams and to help save someone or many people's lives and to encourage them in their own journey.


With that being said, I realized that in order to really encourage someone who is going through this, they have to not only know all the positive sides to cancer but they need me to be real and totally straight up as well. They need to know the truth about the hard days so they don't feel alone or like what they are feeling isn't normal. 


SO, first let me say that if you watched my video, you know that Thursday I had one of my biggest breakdowns since being diagnosed. I don't think I have cried that long or that hard since my hotel retreat in the beginning of this whole fiasco. But it was just what I needed. 

Friday I went for my first blood draw to get my counts checked. White blood cells are the ones that fight off infections. The day I had chemo, mine were at 11.7 and the lowest in the range is 1.8. The doctor had already told me that I might have to get shots to bring them back up if they ended up in the low range. Well, mine were down to 0.08! So it barely registered that I even have white blood cells. I'm thinking this isn't really THAT big of a deal. Until they tell me to not eat any salad, no raw veggies, don't touch plants or flowers, don't do dishes or clean, call immediately if my fever gets over 100.5, use my hand sanitizer constantly, and go home and stay inside my own home all weekend. Then she said, when you leave and you touch that elevator button, you need to clean your hands. 


OMG! WHAT!? You know, I told Deryl that it has seemed most of this time like I have been watching someone else go through this. But the closer it got to Friday when I shaved my head, it was like I was totally backed in a corner with my own self. Suddenly I had to come to grips with the fact that this was indeed happening to ME. I didn't cry but was really bummed. But I just started thinking about what a fun night I was going to have with all my haircuts and how awesome it was that I got to try on some haircuts that I wouldn't have otherwise ever done. I thought of it as a once in a lifetime "opportunity".


So, I had a great weekend. Friday and Saturday I scrapbooked and made cards and listened to worship music all by myself. It was so much fun and I just loved it. My mother-in-law and sister-in-law brought Heather home and Rachel came home from camp. It was so good to see them. I had such a good visit with Mary & Monica. They hung out with me for a while and we got to talk with just us. We haven't done that in a very long time and I REALLY enjoyed it. Monica is a nurse and of course she asked me if I had been taking my temperature like they told me to. I said yes but I hadn't taken it that day. Right when they were getting up to leave I wasn't feeling great and it was weird because it was so sudden. I checked my temp as soon as they left even though I didn't feel hot to myself and it was 99.5! I had been so happy and in such a good mood then I immediately started to cry.


I don't want to be sick anymore. I don't want to have to go to the hospital. I don't, I don't, I don't. I popped some Tylenol and started praying right away. A couple of hours later it had gone down to 98.9 and by the evening was completely gone. I don't know if I have mentioned this on my blog or not but the type of chemo I am getting, I'm not sure if it is with every chemo or not, causes women to go into instant menopause. Well, after the fever event I was just so sad. The girls were here and I haven't seen them all week yet I felt myself getting frustrated with them and I knew it was totally me and not really them. 


Yesterday, I had on a pretty dress and one of my favorite scarves that a very dear friend gave me. But yet every time I went to the bathroom and looked in the mirror, I just didn't feel pretty. Everyone knows that I loved my hair. It was something I felt so very confident about. I love that I don't have to wash my hair and style it right now because I had so much hair that it took forever to style it. But, this is just hard. I told a friend that having cancer, battling cancer is so, so, so much more than physical. It is a daily mental battle. It is just way too much sometimes. I mean when most people have a zit, they can cover it up with make-up. Or if you got a tattoo on your arm you regret you can wear long sleeves. But I just can't hide anymore that I am battling cancer. Like I said, sometimes it is just too much for a person. 


I am NOT a person who cries a lot. I am always very in control of my emotions and I am a very steady person. But that is seeming to not be the case anymore and I absolutely hate that. I also am experiencing "Chemo Brain" you can google it to find out more if you want. Anyway, I forgot how to get to the doctor's office Friday, I opened the freezer to put away the salt, I can't think of certain words, I was talking to the girls about a show being a rerun and I called it a re-do. UGH. This is really, really hard for an organized, extremely detailed, Type A personality like mine!!


So yeah, there it is. I hope more and more people are drawn to my blog who are newly diagnosed or are currently battling this. Although I am a very positive person and love to encourage and inspire others, I also want to be as authentic as I can so people can see ALL the sides of cancer and not just one side. I hope if you ever meet or know anyone in my shoes that you will be sure to tell them about my blog. 


I know this is the longest post I have ever written. Thank you for reading all the way to the end and thank you for being a listening ear during my time of struggle. 


Love you all,


Kelley

One down, 3 to go!

Kelley says.............


Just wanted to let you all know that I am okay. Thanks so much for all your prayers. I was so worried about the IV and had everyone praying about that. Well, the IV went perfect but it took 2 different ladies and 3 sticks just to draw blood!! So, that will definitely be on the prayer request list next time.


So far, only been nauseous a little bit, the medicine is working great. I am really tired and weak and have dry mouth pretty bad. Supposedly, the next few days are supposed to be the roughest. But, I am so thankful I am not throwing up!


I appreciate all of you faithful followers and you keeping up with my blog and praying for me. I can't believe all the people I have never met who are following me and keeping up with my story. Whatever you do, don't forget to "FEEL THE TATA'S"!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Being in control

Kelley says............


Well, according to my calculations I will be completely bald in about 30 days. I have been wondering how traumatic this will be for me. In this whole journey so far, cancer has dictated my life so much. Even doctor's tell you when your appointments are, they don't ask when it is convenient for you. I usually have 2-3 appointment each and every week. I feel so out of control of my life. 

So when I was thinking about all of this, I had the thought that you know, I think I am going to be in control of exactly when my hair goes. I don't want to sit around and wait for it to come out and have to see it fall out in big clumps. That is just too much to handle for someone with all this hair! So, I have chosen to go tomorrow and get my hair cut into a cute short cut. Then after my first treatment, when I decide, my long time hairdresser is going to come over and shave it for me in the comfort of my own home. 


I think this will be a much easier transition for me. I'll have short hair and will have a few weeks to get used to that before it is all gone. I know some people don't lose their hair during chemo but the chemo used for breast cancer causes complete hair loss. I went to the doctor yesterday and they gave me a coupon for a free scarf at this store located inside Baylor All Saints where I had my surgery. Heather went with me. Turns out that someone had just donated a ton of scarves and stuff just the day before. I was supposed to only get one scarf for free. And all the cute ones cost so much that I had went in thinking I would buy one that I like and get the free one as well. I know God's favor must have been upon me because they let me have FOUR for free and I purchased one. So, I got 5 that I really like for $28.00!! I never thought I would be so excited about getting such a great deal on something. But that was really a blessing. 


I'll post a picture of my new hair over the weekend. Also, I did a video blog that is titled "My Story" at the top of the home page of my blog. I would love for you to share it with everyone you know to help me promote the importance of self-breast examinations. And I thank you tons in advance for helping me try to save the lives of other women. If it makes it easier, you can just send this link. http://feelthetatas.blogspot.com/p/my-story.html

IMPACT

Kelley says....................

I attended a women's retreat this weekend with ladies from my church. Yesterday morning when we sat down to get the day started, I felt my heart start racing. I don't know if you have ever felt this before but I knew the feeling was familiar. I knew it was the holy spirit about to ask me to do something I probably didn't want to do. I looked around the room at all of the women there and wondered to myself how many of them don't do self-breast exams. I knew then and there I had to say something. So I asked if it was possible and if they had a few extra minutes to let me promote self-exams. I sat back in my chair and started to wonder what I would say in just a couple of minutes time. I finally just said "God, this is your doing so you are going to have to speak through me" I knew it was just going to be completely off the cuff so I just went for it. 


I started by saying "Hello, my name is Kelley and I am a huge supporter of self-breast examinations". I asked if they would raise their hand if they never or rarely do monthly self-exams. My heart broke as I sat there and looked at probably 95% of the room raise their hands. I don't know what kind of impact this had on them but it solidified for me the mission I am on. We do not know as women how important this is. I forgot to mention to them that my mammogram was perfect! Had it not been for a self-exam, I would still be living my normal life not knowing I was walking around with cancer in my body. I told them about my blog and begged them to start doing monthly self-exams. I finished by telling them that it was my hope that by the next women's retreat, I will not start with "Hello, my name is Kelley". But that I will be able to say, "Hello, my name is Kelley & I am a breast cancer SURVIVOR!!!!" When I started walking back to my seat, everyone gave me a standing ovation. It was SO surreal. The following are the feelings I felt in that moment...

• I have so many people in my life praying for me
• I am surrounded by my church family who care about me deeply
• I am as STRONG as God has been telling me I am
• I am a woman of IMPACT
• This confirms that promoting self-breast exams is my new mission in life

I used to be extremely terrified of public speaking. So afraid that I would get extremely nervous, palms sweaty, extreme dry mouth, it was horrible.  If I even thought I would have to speak before a group I would just get sick to my stomach. Last year when I wanted to start a women's group at my church, I almost didn't do it because of all these fears. But I just knew it was what God wanted me to do. I did it afraid. It was a great group. The next semester I had another group. We did a study on "Fears". I was still nervous. 


I am also a Life-Coach. I had been given the opportunity to help train other Life-Coaches which I felt SO honored to even be asked. But I turned it down, all because of my fear of public speaking. After I turned it down, I realized that this fear was totally holding me back in my life. I wondered what God could accomplish through me if I would just get over myself and go for it. I started immediately to visualize myself speaking in front of others and not being nervous. I did this every time I thought about it. I ended up going to the coach training after all and was not nervous AT ALL. The lady who had originally asked me to teach the class with her could tell something was different about me. She asked me about it and I told her it was a complete miracle. I couldn't even explain it myself. 


Now looking back on this, I realize that God had so much more in store for me. If he wouldn't have delivered me of this fear, I could have NEVER spoke in front of over 100 women and promoted self-exams. I think what I am learning is that women are so very powerful and we all have a story to tell and an IMPACT to make on not just others but on the WORLD!!

How are your fears holding YOU back? Start to see yourself as the person you want to become. You may not even believe it at first but keep seeing it in your minds eye until it becomes a reality. I am living proof that it works!!!! I am holding a space for you to become all God wants you to become in your life. I had a person truly believe in me for the last two years. And it is amazing the changes that come about for someone if you just genuinely believe in them. And guess what? I totally believe in you!!

Fearing the Ta-Tas

Kelley says.....................................................I am really feeling like God is wanting me to share this today. I think there is someone who reads my blog who needs to hear this. For some women, doing a self-breast exam might be scary. As I talk to more and more women and ask them if they do self exams and discover how many say no, I also hear that some don't do it out of fear that they might find something. This is not good! If I would have been doing monthly exams all along I would have known what mine felt like. I would have noticed what was different. I would have caught this earlier, I have NO doubt in my mind. Yes, they say they are pretty sure I caught this early. But what if I could have caught it at the very beginning the lump started to form? I am begging you to do monthly exams even if it is scary. I feel I need to reiterate this, you don't have to know what you are feeling for or what you are doing. I did NOT know what I was doing!!!! But I found it right away the first time I did a self exam.

I have come to realize that just knowing that I am 40 years old and otherwise a very healthy person makes some women scared. I understand. I have a ladies group and we have been discussing "Fears" this semester. When we discussed "Fears of the Unknown" I said that this fear is contagious. And this just proves it. When we fear what we do not know and listen to others who might be going through trials it grabs a hold of us with all its might and tries to overtake us. Another example is like in this economy. If you know someone who's husband has lost their job it might make you fearful that your husband could lose his job. Or if you listen to the news about the economy too much you suddenly have no hope that it is really all going to be okay.

But you know what? If you get yourself around people who are positive and have a great attitude, you will find it so much easier to stay in the right state of mind to not "go there" with your thoughts. Psalm 34:4 says    "I prayed to the LORD, and he answered me. He freed me from all my fears". It says ALL my fears. That is so encouraging to me. God is awesome and it gives me peace just reading this scripture myself.

So read that scripture several times. Put your life in the palm of HIS hands and go "Feel the Ta-Tas"!!!!! 

Do it, Do it now!!!!

April 15th - Part 2

Kelley says......................................


My appointment to see the breast surgeon was at 6:00 pm in Fort Worth. We dropped the girls off at a friend's house and then we headed that way. I have been so nervous and anxious for the last few weeks that I feel slightly nauseated all the time. So, I had been too nervous to eat that day and so we were going to go check in first and then walk down to Subway so I could try to eat a little something.


At this point in this journey, I was still somehow thinking this was all a big mistake. Surely this just can't be true. Maybe somehow I misunderstood them when they called me that day with the biopsy results. But to even say out loud that I have cancer. Well now, that just doesn't even sound right.


We walk in and I sign in and give them my paperwork and insurance card and all that. There was another lady in the waiting room. A nurse walks up to the receptionist and asks if I am the other lady. The receptionist turns away from me and whispers to the nurse that the other lady is in the waiting room and that I am the "Cancer Patient". I felt at that moment that my life was never going to be the same, ever.


We walked over to Subway and got something to eat and I suddenly completely lost my appetite. If I thought I had been in shock before, I was really in shock now. I look at myself and think how can there be cancer in my body, I feel fine. All of this made us so anxious. Once I finally got into the room, it seemed like hours before the doctor came in. She came in, examined me and then it was time for the conversation we were so nervous about.


Luckily, the good news is that she "thinks" that I caught this early. That is the good news. Unfortunately, I need 5 other tests to come back with a good report in order to have the least surgery and minimal treatment. The next step is to have a genetic test done. Next Friday, I have an MRI. I will have some kind of surgery the 1st or 2nd week in May. And we won't know what stage this is or if it has spread until the pathology reports come back after the surgery. We do know that it is invasive but they don't think it is aggressive. They believe with the results so far that it is a Grade 1 slow growing cancer.


 And if you are a woman reading this, keep in mind that this did NOT show up on my mammogram!! My mammogram was FINE!!!! PLEASE DO YOUR SELF-BREAST EXAMINATIONS!! EVEN IF YOU THINK YOU DON'T KNOW WHAT YOU ARE DOING AND YOU THINK IT IS A WASTE OF TIME!!!!  I TRULY BELIEVE THAT BECAUSE I TOOK THE EXTRA 15 SECONDS OUT OF MY LIFE TO "FEEL THE TA-TAS" THAT I WILL LIVE AND NOT DIE!


PLEASE, PLEASE, PLEASE, CHECK THOSE BOOBIES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Ta-Tas...the Bearer of Bad News

Kelley says.......Have you felt your ta-tas today? I never did. Why? Because I was afraid that I didn't know how to do it right. I have seen the instructions and it looks so complicated! I mean seriously, lay on your back and put a pillow under your shoulder, you have to use certain fingers and in a certain motion. I'm not a doctor, how am I supposed to know if I am doing it right and how do I even know what in the heck I am really feeling for!!

Well, I am 40 years old and I knew that it was time to go in for a mammogram and also time to go get my pap smear done as well. Deryl finally has good insurance with his job and so what better time to go. With all this in mind, about 4 weeks ago I was in the shower and a totally and completely random thought came that I should do a breast exam. I just grabbed the soap and started feeling around on the right side first. Almost immediately I felt something. It was on the front kind of just below the nipple area. I went to the other side right away to see if maybe it was normal and on both sides. I couldn’t feel anything. So I went back to the right side to check again a little more thoroughly. Well, it was about the size of a frozen pea and it kind of felt like one too.

That night I mentioned to Deryl that I had found something and he felt it and said I probably need to get that checked out. I called my gynecologist the next morning and told her what was going on and I wanted to come in and get an exam and also have her check it out. You know, to see if it was anything to worry about. After pulling my chart and discovering that my mom was diagnosed at 51 and died at 53, they said you need to go in and have a mammogram then come here.

They gave me the number to call and make an appointment. I hung up and within a few minutes they called me back and had already made the appointment for me. The fact that no one even asked if that day was good for me or anything of that nature was a bit alarming. I really wasn't too worried about it at this point though because I am only 40 years old and in good health. Surely this couldn't be a big deal. Boy was I in for a surprise.

Deryl says........ When Kelley got out of the shower and told me she thought she felt something in her breast I thought nothing of it. When I felt the lump the thought flashed in my mind that this could be bad. But I quickly dismissed the thought suggesting she go to the doctor to have it checked out just to be sure. I thought nothing else of it. I guess I assumed that we live a pretty charmed life and something like cancer just isn't in the cards for us.
When she told me she had scheduled a mammogram again I fully expected everything to be just fine. These kind of things just don't happen to us. So far.