Hurting people, hurt people

I've always known this saying...."Hurting people, hurt people." But there is no greater lesson than experiencing it for yourself. I don't think it is any secret to anyone that I have pretty much completely abandoned church and many of those who call themselves "Christians." Yes, I know some of you reading this right now are already constructing an email in your head to me telling me how Christians aren't perfect, just forgiven. And I've heard it all before that at church, there are "No perfect people allowed." I've heard all of the little sayings such as "They're only human."

If you are a follower/reader of my blog, you know my story. You know what I have been through and you know what I have endured right along with my children. I have not been blogging much lately, let me finally explain why. When my divorce was final, I lost my health insurance and for me to get Obamacare, it was going to cost me $600.00 per month. I have spent about $200.00 this entire year on doctor visits and medicine. Anyway, since I lost my insurance, there was no way I could stay on the medication I was taking after my attempted suicide. I had been diagnosed with severe situational depression and PTSD. It is my belief that chemotherapy caused this depression and as I have said repeatedly in this blog, I have never been the same after taking chemotherapy. I have had doctors and psychiatrists completely agree with me and tell me it is their belief that chemo causes this as well.

I was doing really good off all the meds. I was actually very happy and proud of myself. It is nearing two years since my husband walked out on us. I started feeling like it was finally time to start dealing with it all emotionally. Just as I started to work on it, I fell into a very deep, dark, scary place. Worse than the place I was at when I attempted to take my own life. Only those VERY close to me, which are very few, knew what was going on. I spent every minute of every day not wanting to live life and being very angry with God that he allowed me to live. Enduring 60 seconds of life was excruciating for me. If you have never struggled with this, you will not under any circumstances understand it.

Since he left, I have cried just a little, a handful of times, over the entire situation. At this time, I didn't realize I had sunk right back into severe depression again. I spent 5 entire days straight unable to stop crying and couldn't even keep it together in public.

When I was like this before, I did not tell a single soul and I never, ever cried. No one, and I mean NO ONE, knew how bad I was. No one knew I thought of death as my friend, the only thing that could possibly bring me relief.

I have always been very skeptical of anyone who tells people they want to kill themselves because I have always thought it was for attention. I now know first hand that that might not always be the case. This time, I knew I needed to reach out to someone. THANK GOD, I have one very faithful and true friend left. I haven't known her too long, only a few years if that. But I knew I had two options on this particular day. I could end my life or I could make a phone call. That day was the beginning of my downward spiral that led up to all the crying.

As I got worse, I had some very disturbing things happen to me by someone who has never been dearer to my heart than any other soul. I have been accused, slandered, belittled, humiliated, gossiped about, lied about, and there isn't enough space here for me to continue. And yes, this not only happened to me, but to another person as well. Both of us at the time were extremely depressed, seeing a life-coach and seeing a psychiatrist. When I got wind of the first bombshells, it was on a day I spent trying to talk myself out of jumping off a damn bridge. This also came on a day this other person was fighting suicidal thoughts. Had it not been for me and my newer friend being able to talk so frank and openly that day, I believe I for sure might not be here today and who knows what would have happened to her all due to someone else's ignorance.

So hurting people, hurt people? Words cut very deep. If you claim to be a Christian or anyone I guess for that matter and you are hurting people, please remember that you have literally NO idea what someone is going through. Something you do or say could send someone over the complete edge and all for what? I wish I knew the answer. My suggestion is that if you give a damn about anyone, pray for them in your OWN prayer closet. You know why there even IS a prayer closet? So you and GOD and you two only can hash things out. If you go to any other person and tell them something all so they can "pray" for the person, it is only pure gossip and is straight from the pit of hell. This behavior causes more and more people daily to end their relationship with church, church people and potentially their very own lives.

 This is a VERY SERIOUS matter!!!!

I don't let too many people get close to me and I'm guessing I never will after this experience. But the good news is, I am back on medication and although it was about three weeks of complete mental hell, I feel like I am back to my old self. I have a new friend who was very helpful to me during the darkest of those days. If you feel suicidal, please reach out to someone. I had a couple of friends, my sister, the lady I live with and my adopted sister that I reached out to for the first time about this issue. People suffer in silence. Why? Because so few understand or know what to do. But you know what? Every single time I got up enough courage to call one of these individuals it helped me get through another day. One friend and my sister were able to just listen as I told them I did not wish to live life. They listened as I bawled my eyes out like they had never witnessed me do before. They listened with love and without judgement. They prayed with me and for me. They didn't go share my issues with other people or in their weekly "Prayer meeting." To those people, YOU are the ones who give me hope that there are still genuinely good people in the world. Don't be alarmed, I have a very close relationship with God and I always will have. He will never abandon me, nor I him. He alone is the only constant and faithful friend until the end of time.

I know these people were very scared for me. Hell, I was terrified of myself. I felt like I was a danger to myself. But I know for a fact that if I had not had them to talk to, I probably wouldn't be writing this blog today.

I hate having to take medication. I hope it is not something I will have to do forever. But, it is a must for now. I cannot be ashamed of it. And, I think that there are too many people just like me out there that need for this to be talked about. I guess my biggest message to anyone out there today is that sometimes, suicidal people don't take their own lives....it's someone else's cruelty that actually pulls the trigger.

 DON'T BE THAT PERSON!!

A life should be honored and valued while the person is still living, not after they are gone. Some consequences for mistakes made are totally and completely permanent. Sometimes, there are NO take-backs.

Saving Starfish

Deryl says..........A lot of interesting things have happened since I last wrote. The most interesting of which has been Kelley's invitation to model and be interviewed for a website dedicated to breast cancer patients and survivors. We are now using one of the pictures on this blog. If you would like to see the rest and the interview got to www.ifightlikeagirl.info. There are pictures and interviews of many different women as well. Of course the best one is Kelley's but I am kind of partial.
One of the concerning things going on is Kelley's white cell count. It is very low right now. And at this time period after the last round of chemo it was back to normal. We are hoping that it will be back up by next Friday. But for the time being she is stuck in the house. Her counts were so low she has almost no defense against infection. So please keep her in your prayers.
Kelley and I have decided to lead a small group at our church. It is something we have done in the past and enjoyed it. I think the difference this time around will be our ability to great straight to the heart of a matter. We realize now that there is only this present moment to work with and if we act like we have all the time in the world we can put off the important until later. Our hope is to help people discover what is holding them back in their life and create some momentum in the right direction. If we have learned anything through this it is that people are what matter most. If you are not helping people what is the point. There are many ways to help people. If you are not the most sociable person you could help clean up a park or paint someone's house. Come up with your own way. The thing is many times we think that if we are not helping on a grand scale it makes no difference. It is easy to support a major cause with a little money. But what about helping an individual or a family. That takes a little more investment from us and can be scary. I remember a story I was told once and it goes like this: There was a man walking down a beach. On this beach thousands of starfish had washed up on shore. These starfish would most certainly die if they did not get back in the water which was impossible for them to do on their own. This man saw a boy walking just ahead of him. The boy was picking up the starfish and throwing them back into the sea. He would throw one, take a few steps, stop and pick up another, and throw it into the sea. The man walked up to the boy and asked him what he was doing. The boy replied "I am saving the starfish." The man then said "There are thousands of starfish on the beach." But the boy just kept picking up starfish and throwing them back into the sea. The man continued "It would take days or even weeks to get them all back to the sea and you cannot possibly make a difference to these thousands of starfish." The boy, without even looking at the man, picked up another starfish and threw it into the sea. As he threw that starfish he simply said "It made a difference to that one." Which point of view are we going to hold. I know I have held the man's view for too long. Kelley and I have decided to start helping on a small scale and see what happens. We would like to have an impact on millions but we cannot start there. So please pray for us and the people we are going to help. Life is full of love and goodness. It is just a matter of perception.

IMPACT

Kelley says....................

I attended a women's retreat this weekend with ladies from my church. Yesterday morning when we sat down to get the day started, I felt my heart start racing. I don't know if you have ever felt this before but I knew the feeling was familiar. I knew it was the holy spirit about to ask me to do something I probably didn't want to do. I looked around the room at all of the women there and wondered to myself how many of them don't do self-breast exams. I knew then and there I had to say something. So I asked if it was possible and if they had a few extra minutes to let me promote self-exams. I sat back in my chair and started to wonder what I would say in just a couple of minutes time. I finally just said "God, this is your doing so you are going to have to speak through me" I knew it was just going to be completely off the cuff so I just went for it. 


I started by saying "Hello, my name is Kelley and I am a huge supporter of self-breast examinations". I asked if they would raise their hand if they never or rarely do monthly self-exams. My heart broke as I sat there and looked at probably 95% of the room raise their hands. I don't know what kind of impact this had on them but it solidified for me the mission I am on. We do not know as women how important this is. I forgot to mention to them that my mammogram was perfect! Had it not been for a self-exam, I would still be living my normal life not knowing I was walking around with cancer in my body. I told them about my blog and begged them to start doing monthly self-exams. I finished by telling them that it was my hope that by the next women's retreat, I will not start with "Hello, my name is Kelley". But that I will be able to say, "Hello, my name is Kelley & I am a breast cancer SURVIVOR!!!!" When I started walking back to my seat, everyone gave me a standing ovation. It was SO surreal. The following are the feelings I felt in that moment...

• I have so many people in my life praying for me
• I am surrounded by my church family who care about me deeply
• I am as STRONG as God has been telling me I am
• I am a woman of IMPACT
• This confirms that promoting self-breast exams is my new mission in life

I used to be extremely terrified of public speaking. So afraid that I would get extremely nervous, palms sweaty, extreme dry mouth, it was horrible.  If I even thought I would have to speak before a group I would just get sick to my stomach. Last year when I wanted to start a women's group at my church, I almost didn't do it because of all these fears. But I just knew it was what God wanted me to do. I did it afraid. It was a great group. The next semester I had another group. We did a study on "Fears". I was still nervous. 


I am also a Life-Coach. I had been given the opportunity to help train other Life-Coaches which I felt SO honored to even be asked. But I turned it down, all because of my fear of public speaking. After I turned it down, I realized that this fear was totally holding me back in my life. I wondered what God could accomplish through me if I would just get over myself and go for it. I started immediately to visualize myself speaking in front of others and not being nervous. I did this every time I thought about it. I ended up going to the coach training after all and was not nervous AT ALL. The lady who had originally asked me to teach the class with her could tell something was different about me. She asked me about it and I told her it was a complete miracle. I couldn't even explain it myself. 


Now looking back on this, I realize that God had so much more in store for me. If he wouldn't have delivered me of this fear, I could have NEVER spoke in front of over 100 women and promoted self-exams. I think what I am learning is that women are so very powerful and we all have a story to tell and an IMPACT to make on not just others but on the WORLD!!

How are your fears holding YOU back? Start to see yourself as the person you want to become. You may not even believe it at first but keep seeing it in your minds eye until it becomes a reality. I am living proof that it works!!!! I am holding a space for you to become all God wants you to become in your life. I had a person truly believe in me for the last two years. And it is amazing the changes that come about for someone if you just genuinely believe in them. And guess what? I totally believe in you!!

New friends & old

Kelley says....
So today was the genetic test. This week has been really good. I've been in an upbeat mood and feeling more like myself. But there is just something about going to the doctor. You know, when I have an appointment it just is back to the harsh reality that I have cancer. I just still can't believe it. It just seems like this is all a dream and I am hoping one day I will just wake up.


A good friend of mine came over today and the first time we met, we both had the "Juno" song "Anyone Else But You" as our ring tone. She taught herself that song on her guitar over the weekend and played it for me AND sang it to me this morning!! I couldn't believe it. I'll never forget it as long as I live. (And I'm hoping that is a REALLY long time!) I am trying to convince her to record it so I can put it on my MP3 player. (Hint, Hint)


Then, a lady who is a complete stranger to me has been communicating with me. She is a breast cancer survivor and has been so kind to answer all my questions and has just been so patient and kind to me. She is my "Angel". ;-)


One big thing I have to share is that a lady went for a mammogram and did a self-exam because of my blog!!!! Oh my gosh!! That made me so very happy. Please forward the link to my blog to any woman you know. I believe this is the start of something big. And I would love nothing more than to help save the Ta-Tas!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


Tomorrow, I am going on a retreat with a bunch of ladies from my church. Looking forward to posting what all God reveals and does this weekend.