Could it really be possible?

Hey Survivors!!!!

I haven't been blogging here in SO long. I do apologize. After having chemo and going through "Chemo Brain", I wondered if I would ever get back to my normal self. If you know me, you know I have a SERIOUS TYPE A personality!! I will never forget my chemo class. Where the nurse tried to reassure me that most people that can really notice chemo brain are those who are very detail oriented, pay attention to detail, are very organized and have a type A personality. At which point I started to freak out internally since she basically described my personality!!!!

When I had my first treatment, a dear friend of mine who is also a survivor warned me about it. And she doesn't even have my personality. I was driving to my doctor appointment when I realized I had taken the wrong highway. I turned around and felt good at that moment that I realized I was going the wrong way and turned around. But about 5 minutes into my drive, I realized I had no memory as to how to get to the doctors office. Which made me totally panic because I had driven there several times a week for many weeks at this point. I called Deryl and was crying my eyes out. Not many people know this side of my story. My survivor friends do but not my "regular" friends.

Cancer rips SO much from you. It is so funny how when it is all over people just think you are done. Life just moves on. Well, not so fast. It sucks. If you know someone who is a survivor you should seriously show them mercy. If you are a survivor, keep your head up...it gets much better. One of the things that drove me crazy about chemo brain is that I couldn't remember words. One day, I was at Chick-fil-A with the girls and they had a little container of Cheerios. I dumped the Cheerios out and asked them if they wanted some of my Cheetos. They started laughing and what was funny was that I knew when I said it that something was wrong. As soon as they said the word Cheerios I just couldn't believe it!

Here it is 19 months after my last treatment. Literally, about two weeks ago I felt a FLOOD of memories come into my mind. It was truly the wildest thing EVER!! I would wake up thinking of things I had forgotten or needed to do. Every day it would increase. I was like my old self. EVERY single thing I needed to do was coming to my mind!! It was incredible. I mean I PHYSICALLY felt it in my brain. SO WEIRD!!!! I could obviously tell it was SO VERY different. With each day I remembered more and am still remembering more to this day. It is AWESOME!!!! TOTALLY AWESOME!!!! I have so much hope and feel SO darn secure!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

It is like ME is back. I guess deep down I thought I was gone forever. I KNOW I am an awesome administrative assistant. But I didn't feel on top of my game for so long. But now that I am actually feeling like my old self I feel like I totally ROCK!!!! What an amazing feeling. Before chemo I knew what I was capable of. I was so solid, so confident. But cancer and chemo stole that from me. Now, I am getting back to ME!!!!

So ladies, hold on to your faith. Hold on to HOPE. It DOES get better!!!! I'm living proof. It may take you down but it can't keep you down!!!! Things will turn around. I promise you.

Please don't forget that you can contact me anytime you want. Even if I don't know you and we have never even met!! I love helping survivors in any way I can. We have to stay united!! Breast cancer bonds women together like nothing I have ever seen before.

You can reach me at kelley@feelthetatas.com

Kelley

Just for today

Last week I blogged about choosing to have a good day....deciding to. It has been 8 days today since I got up that morning and CHOSE to get ready and face the day. I am so pleased to report that the last 8 days have been the best 8 days of 2011.


Today started out kind of shaky but I just did my routine of getting up, getting ready to face the day head on and then....I started to praise. Praise and pray. It is amazing how your day can get completely turned around if you will just praise God. Before I put on my worship music I caught myself starting to worry about things that are ALL out of my control. There wasn't one thing I was concerned about that I could control. The key is to catch yourself early on in the thought process. Many of the last 8 days including today, this has happened to me. But what I have done is just say to myself each day that every single one of those days have passed and here I am and everything is fine. Today, I did the same thing. I just said to myself that I am not going to let myself or my thoughts get out of control. I can just "be" in the moment today. And then you know what happens? I wake up tomorrow and it is day 9!!!!

I used to do this very thing religiously. But when major events happen in our lives, it is easy to get out of our routines. But that is when we need to do it the most!! The word does say that the enemy is out to kill, steal and to destroy. So the moment we let our guard down, he will attack. He is on the prowl and always will be.

Are YOU worried, concerned or stressed about some things in YOUR life? Then I challenge you everyday to do this. Just try it for one day and see how awesome it works. Right now, are you thinking worrisome thoughts? Give yourself today off. Just say that everything is going to be just fine and if you need to you can pick up that worry again tomorrow morning. Then when you wake up and see that all is well you can challenge yourself to do it for one more day.

I am certain you will have an amazing day if you just stick to it. I would love to hear how it goes for you. I can't wait to hear from you saying you are on day 365!!!!!!

Overcoming Fear

Deryl says........Kelley got her latest chemo treatment Friday. It went well and she only got stuck once when getting her blood drawn and once when they put the I.V. in. So we want to thank you for all of your prayers.
I have gone back and read some of the older posts we wrote when we started the blog. I read what I wrote and it feels as if it was written by another person. The hardest part of all of this was the initial diagnosis and then waiting period until we were able to start treatment. I was wondering why that part was the hardest for both of us and it hit me. We had this expectation of how life should be or how we wanted it to be. When we were diagnosed our expectations and desires vanished before us. I think our fear, anger, and depression stemmed from the fact that we were mentally and emotionally attached to living life a certain way. Things like not dealing with life and death illness at 40, Kelley losing her breasts, or her hair. Once I got past the fear of losing Kelley my biggest fear was how Kelley would react to losing her breasts and hair. When she was diagnosed she told me her biggest fear was losing her hair even more than her breasts. But I look back now and we spent a lot of emotionally energy fearing things that didn't happen and fearing things that did happen. But fearing them didn't change the outcome. What is really funny is that fearing those things were actually much worse than the actual events.  I mean she is modeling for websites bald now. How is that for overcoming fear.
The point I am trying to make is that if we could let go of the things we think we cannot live without we would be a lot more free and fearless.

I Think Bald is Beautiful!

Deryl says......Kelley had her second round of chemo on Friday. It was a little rough because they had to stick her more than once to draw her blood and to put her IV in. To top it off I had to leave for work before she was done with chemo which stressed me out some. But it all wound up being okay. Kelley got tired more quickly this time and is having more hot flashes than before but other than that it has been good.
As you know Kelley shaved her hair off before it had a chance to fall out. Well it started falling out more this past week and and left her head kind of splotchy with bald spots. You could just pull the hair at any spot on her head and it just came right out. So Kelley has been trying to pull it out for a few days. Then she asked me to help her pull it out. The problem is her hair is so short it is hard to grab much. So we had to try tweezers. It worked well but it would take days to get it all out using that method. We didn't want to use a regular razor for fear of cuts and infections. So we decided to see what an electric razor would do. I shaved it as close as possible with the electric razor. It took a little while and Kelley said "can you believe we are doing this?". She said "before I didn't want my hair to come out and now I wish it would just all come out." As I am shaving and thinking about how strange it is to be doing this. I whisper into Kelley's ear "is it weird that this is turning me on?". Of course she laughed but she really is hot bald. And I really did enjoy feeling how smooth her skin was after it was shaved. I am watching her now as I blog and she is just rubbing her head. Which is what I plan to do as soon as I am done writing this.
It is strange how the things you can be so afraid of can turn into some of the most intimate moments of your life. I mean for her to trust me enough to allow me to do that. And the fact that I really felt closer to her at that moment is amazing. And that is where true excitement comes from in a relationship. Sex is an important part of a marriage but without these intimate and loving moments away from the bedroom it is just a physical act. But it can be so much more than that if you will cultivate and notice these moments when they happen. You can create opportunities for intimacy with dates and such but the most intimate of moments are unplanned and cannot be planned. Because when your love for one another just bursts forth spontaneously it leaves no doubt that it came straight from your heart.

Public Speaking

Kelley says..................


If you have been following my blog since the beginning then you know that God delivered me earlier in the year from my extreme fear of public speaking. If you are a new follower, I can't locate the post right now to let you read it. I had an extreme fear of it and I started meditating and visualizing myself being a great speaker and speaking in front of lots of people. This whole idea about visualizing came to me because I was asked to help teach a group of Life-Coaches and I said no because I was terrified. After saying no, I wondered how many times in my life had I missed my true calling or destiny God wanted me to fulfill because of this fear.


So, I ended up spending lots of time visualizing myself teaching that class and doing an incredible job with complete peace. And that is exactly what I did. It was amazing! I was not nervous AT ALL and had complete peace and also got rave reviews. I have not been afraid of public speaking one time since!! I say all of this to say that I am available to speak at any event. Since this is all new to me, I am at this time willing to speak for any size donation. Deryl is also available to speak. You can request me for any women's event, Deryl for any men's event or both of us for any other event. Just contact me and I will get it scheduled.


I wasn't going to start doing this until later in the year but we are desperately trying to raise money to cover medical stuff among other things that have not been paid due to medical expenses. The biggest pressing thing is my little dog. He tore his ACL and has hobbled around on 3 legs since my diagnosis. It was either him get surgery or me and as you know, we chose me. He is much worse now and he is my little buddy. I love him dearly. He stays in his kennel pretty much at all times so he doesn't injure it further. So if you know of anyone who would benefit from my story or you think it would be a blessing and encouragement to anyone you know or any church or company, PLEASE give them my contact information. I hope to get my schedule really booked up as this is what I hope to one day do full time.


I was thinking the other day about what I would do every day if I could just do what I totally love and was passionate about. And I knew immediately that it would be to volunteer at The Baylor Breast Cancer Center a couple of days a week, be an advocate for self-breast exams, and public speaking. So this is my vision for myself. 


Since being diagnosed, most of you who know us have asked how you can help or what you can do for us. 99.9% of the time my answer is to just pray for us. Which is what we need more than anything but with anything else, I don't want to burden people. So with this, I am finally in a situation where I have no choice but to ask for help. So please remember us to come speak at events for anyone you know!!!! This would really help to get me started and also help my family in more ways than you will ever, ever know. 


Thank you for taking the time to read this post. 


Love,


Kelley

Believing is seeing

Kelley says..............


Anyone who knows Deryl knows that he reads more books than I could read in my entire life! He listened to one recently and put it on my MP3 player. He has been asking me every single day if I have started listening to it yet. So yesterday, when I had to drive out to Ft. Worth I decided that would be the perfect time to listen to it. God's timing is just perfect I guess. The name of the book is "It's not about the money". 


As the bills start pouring in from all the different doctors I see and hospital and all these other places, I find myself getting very overwhelmed. Now having to drive out to Ft. Worth every week for 12 weeks on top of my other doctor appointments in Ft. Worth that I already have. Whew! So anyway, I have always been the kind of person that says "I have to see it to believe it". I am a complete realist through and through. But I listened to 2 hours of that book yesterday. He talked about how we have to believe it to see it. He also talked about the "Prison of Perception".  He stated that if we always focus on what we don't have, we will keep getting what we don't want.


Boy, this spoke volumes to me!! So yesterday after what I heard, I just started catching myself anytime I was worried and just expected that we will have what we need when we need it. Do you know that we left Ft. Worth at 5:30 and there was hardly any traffic at all! Usually, just knowing that we would be leaving at rush hour, I would have thoughts about how awful the traffic was going to be. But yesterday, I didn't have that thought at all and there was no traffic. I don't think this was a coincidence. So anyway, when I was paying bills this afternoon my stomach was just in knots and I was literally making myself sick. I caught myself and just imagined things working out and God providing for us. After this, I came to my computer and a friend of mine had e-mailed me with a fund-raiser idea. I instantly knew that I have to start believing BEFORE I see!! 


Here is a quote my pastor has me memorizing right now. And he gave it to me a week ago! "Faith is choosing to live as though God's word is true regardless of circumstances, emotions, or cultural trends"

Bye Bye Boobies

Deryl says........Well tomorrow is the day. I am surprisingly calm at the moment. I have been very nervous the last couple of days. They gave Kelley some xanax for the anxiety. I should have asked for some as well. I didn't sleep well last night. I don't know if I will be able to sleep at all tonight. It is scary to know what she is going to go through. I feel the most anxiety when I imagine what it must be like to be in her shoes. She is so strong it amazes me.

She came home from the plastic surgeon today and the surgeon had drawn all over her boobs with a permanent purple marker. She has to take a shower tonight and when she is done I am charged with the task of redrawing those lines for her. I asked if I could color them in as well but she said no. I was thinking that it might be fun to draw on her on a regular basis. She could be my canvas! Well, I like the idea but we will see if she does when all of this is over.

We have had a lot of laughter tonight. Kelley's sister is here and our friend Naomi from Oklahoma is here as well. It is moments like this when I cherish family and friends most. Why do we need a crisis to bring everyone together. Even though I have been nervous and Kelley has had her emotional moments this has been a great week. The friends who have been there for us in so many ways has been so humbling. Just laughing and hanging out together at our "Screw Cancer" party. I have loved it. There is so much to be grateful for. It is so much more obvious now. I knew it before but I notice it more often these days. The company I work for is so great. They are letting me work from home while Kelley is recovering. They have been so understanding when I have had to go to doctor after doctor with Kelley. If you are ever looking for a good company to work for I highly recommend Nationstar Mortgage. I think you can tell a lot about a person or an organization by how they treat you in a time of trouble and my company has been nothing but supportive and understanding.

Well my wife is never going to look the same after tomorrow. I have thought about that quite a bit. I have wondered to myself if it was going to bother me at all. But all need is one look at her smiling face to know I could say bye bye boobies forever without one regret. Kelley is not her body. Her looks may be what attracted me to her initially but you cannot stay happily married for 15+ years when your relationship is based on looks. She is an exceptional woman. She has been through so much in her life. She really deserves a break. You would never know that she was raised in poverty by a single mother, lost her 3 month old son to SIDS when she was a teen, lost her mother to cancer when her mother was 53, and is now battling the very same disease that took her mother's life. If you know Kelley you would know that she doesn't live back there in the difficult places of the past. She lives in the moment now more than ever. She is an inspiration to all who know her. I feel honored to be her husband. She feels things so deeply. When she loves someone she love them with all her soul. When she cares for someone she cares sincerely with all her heart. She empathizes so deeply she has to be careful what she gets involved in as it can overwhelm her emotionally. She love all those crazy ladies from her womens group. I don't know what you ladies talk about but I see her smirking and talking on the phone some times to you girls. She will hang up and have a big smile on her face or sometimes tears in her eyes. She tells me she just wants to have an impact on the lives of women. She has obviously been very successful at doing that already.

I think the thing I want to communicate most is that we will be OK. This is not going to be fun. But we will come out on the other side better than we are now. Wear pink tomorrow if you can and please pray for Kelley. Much love!

IMPACT

Kelley says....................

I attended a women's retreat this weekend with ladies from my church. Yesterday morning when we sat down to get the day started, I felt my heart start racing. I don't know if you have ever felt this before but I knew the feeling was familiar. I knew it was the holy spirit about to ask me to do something I probably didn't want to do. I looked around the room at all of the women there and wondered to myself how many of them don't do self-breast exams. I knew then and there I had to say something. So I asked if it was possible and if they had a few extra minutes to let me promote self-exams. I sat back in my chair and started to wonder what I would say in just a couple of minutes time. I finally just said "God, this is your doing so you are going to have to speak through me" I knew it was just going to be completely off the cuff so I just went for it. 


I started by saying "Hello, my name is Kelley and I am a huge supporter of self-breast examinations". I asked if they would raise their hand if they never or rarely do monthly self-exams. My heart broke as I sat there and looked at probably 95% of the room raise their hands. I don't know what kind of impact this had on them but it solidified for me the mission I am on. We do not know as women how important this is. I forgot to mention to them that my mammogram was perfect! Had it not been for a self-exam, I would still be living my normal life not knowing I was walking around with cancer in my body. I told them about my blog and begged them to start doing monthly self-exams. I finished by telling them that it was my hope that by the next women's retreat, I will not start with "Hello, my name is Kelley". But that I will be able to say, "Hello, my name is Kelley & I am a breast cancer SURVIVOR!!!!" When I started walking back to my seat, everyone gave me a standing ovation. It was SO surreal. The following are the feelings I felt in that moment...

• I have so many people in my life praying for me
• I am surrounded by my church family who care about me deeply
• I am as STRONG as God has been telling me I am
• I am a woman of IMPACT
• This confirms that promoting self-breast exams is my new mission in life

I used to be extremely terrified of public speaking. So afraid that I would get extremely nervous, palms sweaty, extreme dry mouth, it was horrible.  If I even thought I would have to speak before a group I would just get sick to my stomach. Last year when I wanted to start a women's group at my church, I almost didn't do it because of all these fears. But I just knew it was what God wanted me to do. I did it afraid. It was a great group. The next semester I had another group. We did a study on "Fears". I was still nervous. 


I am also a Life-Coach. I had been given the opportunity to help train other Life-Coaches which I felt SO honored to even be asked. But I turned it down, all because of my fear of public speaking. After I turned it down, I realized that this fear was totally holding me back in my life. I wondered what God could accomplish through me if I would just get over myself and go for it. I started immediately to visualize myself speaking in front of others and not being nervous. I did this every time I thought about it. I ended up going to the coach training after all and was not nervous AT ALL. The lady who had originally asked me to teach the class with her could tell something was different about me. She asked me about it and I told her it was a complete miracle. I couldn't even explain it myself. 


Now looking back on this, I realize that God had so much more in store for me. If he wouldn't have delivered me of this fear, I could have NEVER spoke in front of over 100 women and promoted self-exams. I think what I am learning is that women are so very powerful and we all have a story to tell and an IMPACT to make on not just others but on the WORLD!!

How are your fears holding YOU back? Start to see yourself as the person you want to become. You may not even believe it at first but keep seeing it in your minds eye until it becomes a reality. I am living proof that it works!!!! I am holding a space for you to become all God wants you to become in your life. I had a person truly believe in me for the last two years. And it is amazing the changes that come about for someone if you just genuinely believe in them. And guess what? I totally believe in you!!