Hurting people, hurt people

I've always known this saying...."Hurting people, hurt people." But there is no greater lesson than experiencing it for yourself. I don't think it is any secret to anyone that I have pretty much completely abandoned church and many of those who call themselves "Christians." Yes, I know some of you reading this right now are already constructing an email in your head to me telling me how Christians aren't perfect, just forgiven. And I've heard it all before that at church, there are "No perfect people allowed." I've heard all of the little sayings such as "They're only human."

If you are a follower/reader of my blog, you know my story. You know what I have been through and you know what I have endured right along with my children. I have not been blogging much lately, let me finally explain why. When my divorce was final, I lost my health insurance and for me to get Obamacare, it was going to cost me $600.00 per month. I have spent about $200.00 this entire year on doctor visits and medicine. Anyway, since I lost my insurance, there was no way I could stay on the medication I was taking after my attempted suicide. I had been diagnosed with severe situational depression and PTSD. It is my belief that chemotherapy caused this depression and as I have said repeatedly in this blog, I have never been the same after taking chemotherapy. I have had doctors and psychiatrists completely agree with me and tell me it is their belief that chemo causes this as well.

I was doing really good off all the meds. I was actually very happy and proud of myself. It is nearing two years since my husband walked out on us. I started feeling like it was finally time to start dealing with it all emotionally. Just as I started to work on it, I fell into a very deep, dark, scary place. Worse than the place I was at when I attempted to take my own life. Only those VERY close to me, which are very few, knew what was going on. I spent every minute of every day not wanting to live life and being very angry with God that he allowed me to live. Enduring 60 seconds of life was excruciating for me. If you have never struggled with this, you will not under any circumstances understand it.

Since he left, I have cried just a little, a handful of times, over the entire situation. At this time, I didn't realize I had sunk right back into severe depression again. I spent 5 entire days straight unable to stop crying and couldn't even keep it together in public.

When I was like this before, I did not tell a single soul and I never, ever cried. No one, and I mean NO ONE, knew how bad I was. No one knew I thought of death as my friend, the only thing that could possibly bring me relief.

I have always been very skeptical of anyone who tells people they want to kill themselves because I have always thought it was for attention. I now know first hand that that might not always be the case. This time, I knew I needed to reach out to someone. THANK GOD, I have one very faithful and true friend left. I haven't known her too long, only a few years if that. But I knew I had two options on this particular day. I could end my life or I could make a phone call. That day was the beginning of my downward spiral that led up to all the crying.

As I got worse, I had some very disturbing things happen to me by someone who has never been dearer to my heart than any other soul. I have been accused, slandered, belittled, humiliated, gossiped about, lied about, and there isn't enough space here for me to continue. And yes, this not only happened to me, but to another person as well. Both of us at the time were extremely depressed, seeing a life-coach and seeing a psychiatrist. When I got wind of the first bombshells, it was on a day I spent trying to talk myself out of jumping off a damn bridge. This also came on a day this other person was fighting suicidal thoughts. Had it not been for me and my newer friend being able to talk so frank and openly that day, I believe I for sure might not be here today and who knows what would have happened to her all due to someone else's ignorance.

So hurting people, hurt people? Words cut very deep. If you claim to be a Christian or anyone I guess for that matter and you are hurting people, please remember that you have literally NO idea what someone is going through. Something you do or say could send someone over the complete edge and all for what? I wish I knew the answer. My suggestion is that if you give a damn about anyone, pray for them in your OWN prayer closet. You know why there even IS a prayer closet? So you and GOD and you two only can hash things out. If you go to any other person and tell them something all so they can "pray" for the person, it is only pure gossip and is straight from the pit of hell. This behavior causes more and more people daily to end their relationship with church, church people and potentially their very own lives.

 This is a VERY SERIOUS matter!!!!

I don't let too many people get close to me and I'm guessing I never will after this experience. But the good news is, I am back on medication and although it was about three weeks of complete mental hell, I feel like I am back to my old self. I have a new friend who was very helpful to me during the darkest of those days. If you feel suicidal, please reach out to someone. I had a couple of friends, my sister, the lady I live with and my adopted sister that I reached out to for the first time about this issue. People suffer in silence. Why? Because so few understand or know what to do. But you know what? Every single time I got up enough courage to call one of these individuals it helped me get through another day. One friend and my sister were able to just listen as I told them I did not wish to live life. They listened as I bawled my eyes out like they had never witnessed me do before. They listened with love and without judgement. They prayed with me and for me. They didn't go share my issues with other people or in their weekly "Prayer meeting." To those people, YOU are the ones who give me hope that there are still genuinely good people in the world. Don't be alarmed, I have a very close relationship with God and I always will have. He will never abandon me, nor I him. He alone is the only constant and faithful friend until the end of time.

I know these people were very scared for me. Hell, I was terrified of myself. I felt like I was a danger to myself. But I know for a fact that if I had not had them to talk to, I probably wouldn't be writing this blog today.

I hate having to take medication. I hope it is not something I will have to do forever. But, it is a must for now. I cannot be ashamed of it. And, I think that there are too many people just like me out there that need for this to be talked about. I guess my biggest message to anyone out there today is that sometimes, suicidal people don't take their own lives....it's someone else's cruelty that actually pulls the trigger.

 DON'T BE THAT PERSON!!

A life should be honored and valued while the person is still living, not after they are gone. Some consequences for mistakes made are totally and completely permanent. Sometimes, there are NO take-backs.

Hand me downs...and I'm NOT talking about clothes here!!

I remember what a blessing it was to have two daughters. When they were young, I could pass down the older ones clothes and save a ton of money. Hand me downs were always nice. Being a girl myself, I have had friends give me hand me downs and I have given away a lot myself. Hand me downs were always a good thing in my mind.

I was sitting here this morning thinking about hand me downs. As a life-coach, I listen to stories on a daily basis of some not so helpful hand me downs people have been given. In our lives, we have life altering events that take place and those very events create limiting beliefs in our minds. Those beliefs are "seared" into our brains literally. They form a new neural pathway in our brain.

It can be compared to the pathway around your yard if you have a dog. After going around the same path for so long, you can see the path as it gets worn down. It is the same way with our minds. When we hold onto these limiting beliefs, when we think the same thoughts repetitively, it gets further engrained in our brain.

I'll give you an example. I have suffered a lot of loss in my life. My father left my life when I was a young girl, I lost a 4 month old child when I was 17, lost my mom when I was only 23, lost my breasts to cancer at 40, lost a 20 year marriage at 43, etc, etc. I remember when my dad left, even at such a very young age, I formed a belief that you can just "lose" people. So when I lost my child, it further confirmed that belief. With every subsequent loss, the belief became pure reality in my thinking brain.

Every single trauma or tragedy that we have suffered creates a limiting belief. Dr. Jayne Gardner owns The Gardner Institute where I received all my life coaching credentials. I have worked with her for many years. She has a fascinating tool she created called a re-wire. Neuroscience has proven that we can actually re-wire our brains with NEW beliefs. Going back to the event and figuring out what limiting belief was created is the first step. It takes a lot of work to install a NEW belief and therefore creating a NEW neural pathway. But it indeed works.

Dr. Gardner is having a one day event at the end of January where she will do demonstrations of a rewire LIVE!! It is one of the most phenomenal things I have ever witnessed. If you want to learn more about this event, you can check it out here. Evolve Retreat

Divorced: The end of an error

Well, almost exactly 12 months after Deryl picked me up from the hospital, dropped me off at our home and never returned, I am officially divorced. 

I did go have a few drinks to celebrate after receiving the news from my attorney. I posted the news on Facebook to which I received many likes from those who know my story and from some who don't know the whole story unless they are a blog follower of course. 

I also got quite a few comments. One comment was from a guy I went to middle school with. He said the post made him sad. Ya know, it makes me sad too. 

Deryl at one time was my Prince Charming, my knight in shining armour, my best friend in the entire world, my protector, the love of my life and most of all, my soul mate. 

During the course of our relationship, we worked at the same job together several times, we had a business together and he worked from home for many years. We couldn't get enough of each other. We hardly ever left each other's side. We loved being together. We could talk for hours and hours. Many, many times the kids would have to interrupt us just to get a word in.

God I loved him. Words will NEVER, EVER, EVER be able to describe the actual physical feeling I felt in my body after being diagnosed with cancer, surgeries, chemo, weekly trips to the doctor for months on end getting poked and prodded, losing my hair and then discovering countless emails, texts, videos, etc of so many women on the computer he had been involved with in one way or another. Then discovering he communicated with complete strangers while I, just weeks after my last treatment, walked the Komen 3 Day while I was still bald. On those very same days he brought the kids to come cheer me on.

I've tried so many times to try to explain what took place in my mind and body that night I found everything out but just can't put it into words. All I know is that something most definitely happened and I've never been the same since. 

I don't expect sympathy. I don't expect understanding and I sure don't want anyone to pity me. 

I just hope that knowing this might give you a glimpse of why I am the way that I am. Why I've done some of the things I've done. To discover someone you knew for many, many years had been living a completely different life while simultaneously treating you like a queen is just indiscribable to say the least. You can only imagine how little trust I have for absolutely anyone. 

I don't know what my future holds for me now. But what I do know is that I'm exactly where God wants me to be. I have so much peace. I have started my own company that is doing very well and since gaining my independence things just started looking up. So many great things have happened to me and I have some hope for my future.

I hope one day I'll be so far removed from my almost successful suicide attempt that it will never again cross my mind. 

My greatest desire is to encourage other breast cancer and suicide survivors. I want to inspire people to keep keepin' on even when all hope seems gone. I want to educate those who judge and have no understanding of what it's like to be suicidal. 

I've had so many people contact me who struggle with wanting to end their lives. I want you to know that I truly thank God for you. Together, we can win...we can get through this. Please know that you aren't alone. Don't listen to the nonsense of others. You are normal, you just deal with life differently than some but definitely not all. I am so proud of all of you who have contacted me. That is such a big step. 

It's wonderful to be able to talk to someone who has been there and knows you aren't a crazy person. 

I have my good days and of course I still have some pretty dark days as well. But those dark days are getting further and further apart. I have discovered that the less I look to the outside for help and the more work I do internally, the stronger I become. 

I believe there is no one outside of myself that can "fix" me. I must take full responsibility for me and press on. Having someone who relates that can be a listening ear, a comfort and offer words of wisdom is invaluable. However, we can ONLY change ourselves. 

Today, I look forward to the future. I pray that if you know anyone that might benefit from the things I have endured that you would share my post/blog with them. It would be awesome if you shared this on your social media platforms as well because believe me, many, many people are struggling greatly and you have no earthly idea. 

Help me get my message out to others. 

Love,

Kelley

The attempt before the attempt...Part One

I had just had a chemotherapy treatment. I was tired, I was bald, I was sick of cancer and all that it brought. I wanted to just get out of the house and my husband wanted to go look around at the store so that was perfect. We were walking around and he wants to go look at underwear. Mind you, he had been wearing the same kind of underwear for close to 20 years. He starts looking at these different kinds and my immediate question was why are you looking at those? His response was..."Oh, just thought I'd try something different".

Something in my heart sank. But only briefly because I guess I was in complete denial. I was fighting for my life, having treatments, getting blood drawn every week, surgeries, etc. That was my total focus. When more and more things that just didn't add up started happening, there was just no more denying it.

I finished all my treatments.

Not long after, I felt so strongly in my spirit that something was terribly, terribly wrong.

I questioned him on some of his behavior and he became completely mute. We had a church staff party to go to that day and we did indeed go and he did not speak to me one single time. This was not the kind of marriage we had. This was something that had never, ever before happened. Complete silence. No talking whatsoever, absolutely NO communication AT ALL.

The next morning he told me it was just really frustrating that I was starting to accuse him of things and he proceeded to tell me that it must be because of the chemotherapy and that not having my breasts anymore must make me insecure so I in turn don't trust him. Well, it made perfect sense at the time.

I proceeded to cry and ask for his forgiveness. I went immediately to my computer to write a blog post. I poured out my heart and told the story and how awful I felt for accusing him and even told what had happened the day before and totally praised him for the awesome incredible care taker he appeared to be. I then showed him the blog and asked him to read it before I posted it and he did and said it was really good.

Day after day it became more and more apparent that there was definitely some infidelity going on. I got up in the middle of the night, got his phone and started looking and searching. Because it was a Blackberry, I had no idea how to use it. When I couldn't find anything or really figure it out, I put it back and went back in the living room. I sat on the couch with my elbows on my knees and my face in my hands. I cried out to God and just said why are you letting me discern that something is so wrong but yet not leading me to what it is? At that very moment, I realized that I had looked through all of his e-mails and deleted e-mails but never looked in his trash folder. I went to that folder and my life was completely altered forever.

I had just opened Pandora's box.

I can't explain it though I have tried many, many times. I sat there with stubble on my head from my hair starting to come back in, with scarred up breasts, no nipples, 30 pounds over weight from all the steroids I had been on and shock is the only word I can think of although completely traumatized is probably a better description. I can honestly say that I literally felt something happen in my body. Something, although I do not know for sure what, happened within me that night. I was changed. I was later told that it was PTSD.

I hired a private investigator and was on a mission now to find out what all was going on and more importantly, for how long. I had asked a friend (well, I thought they were a friend) to talk to him about all of this. I told this person that I did not know how I was going to get through this. I was just numb, dumbfounded, totally shocked. That night, he did in fact talk to him. Now keep in mind that from the moment I looked in that trash folder, my knight in shining armor husband turned into someone I had NEVER before seen. I did not know this person. I did not like this person. This person was angry, hostile, mean, cruel, appeared to have not one single ounce of remorse, not one ounce of love for me, he basically did not give a shit about anyone but himself.

Did I mention that I was in complete shock!?!? He came home after having this discussion with my "friend" and didn't say a word. I asked him if he was going to tell me about the conversation and he didn't say one damn word...not one. He just got in bed, turned out the light and went to sleep. I was FURIOUS!!

Since all the suspicion started, I had not been sleeping at all. I already had terrible insomnia and had probably at this point only had about 10 hours sleep in a seven day period. Days before, I had taken an Ambien that didn't work, then another, then another and still could not sleep at all. So, I went in my bathroom, got my make-up bag, scooped any and all medication off the bathroom counter and dropped it in my bag. I grabbed my keys and left my purse and everything else there at the house. I took off and went to my job which happened to be in a large home. I knew I would be alone. I grabbed all the medicine because I was in such a hurry and so mad that I didn't want to have to look through to find the ones I wanted so I just grabbed them all.

I got in my car and I was shaking I was so mad. I immediately thought to myself, I am going to go to work, back my car in the garage so no one knows I'm here, keep my car running, barely crack the windows and be done with this life. And that is what I did. After a minute or so I suddenly became very afraid. I thought to myself what in the hell are you thinking!! You can't leave these kids with this monster that he has become. You can't leave them without their mom like you have endured. I shut off the car and went inside. I couldn't even cry. I wanted to, but I just couldn't. I went and looked in the mirror and just looked at myself and wondered what in the world is happening to me. My life had just been tragedy after tragedy after tragedy and now this? I started talking sense to myself and I realized that I was thinking crazy because I had not had any sleep. I prayed and prayed and sought The Lord. I was so glad he caused me to realize that this was because I was completely exhausted. I just needed sleep.

Since I had taken three Ambien to no avail, I took a Xanax and I think it was 5 Ambien and some Benedryl, I think. I know you probably think that is insane but I went days with absolutely no sleep. I was in a state that I just couldn't and even still can't describe. All I knew was that I just wanted to go to sleep and wake up with a clear head and try to face the new day in the morning. I anticipated that I would wake up very early and go back home and no one would even realize I had been gone.

I crawled under a desk. I know it sounds odd, even crazy, but I curled up in a ball like a child. That was how I felt. I didn't have a mother or a father that I could call. But I could call on God. I asked for forgiveness for even thinking such crazy thoughts and literally begged God to please let me sleep. What happened next is really unknown by anyone.

I think this blog is long enough and it is making me very sad remembering the events that followed. So stay tuned for the rest of the story...

Be very, very careful what you wish for...

I was 13 years old. My mom was driving me to see someone....some kind of doctor but it was at night after she got off work. I really wasn't exactly sure where or why we were going. She explained that we were going to see a psychologist. Thinking back to this night now as an adult, I remember thinking this really wasn't a big deal. I remember this particular night like it just happened. I remember the parking lot, the elevator to get to the guys office, the office, a nice little pond with a little waterfall, and even exactly what he looked like.

Seems like I only went 5 or so times. I remember wondering what in the world would cause my mom to want to take me to this person when I didn't like to talk to people anyway. The guy was nice. It didn't seem like "counseling". It just seemed like having normal conversation with someone. Well, at the end of my sessions, he informed my mom that my problems, whatever they were, had everything to do with my father abandoning me and my pretty much non-existent relationship with him.

Fast forward about 20 plus years or so and I am having a conversation with my sister who is 10 years older than I am. For some reason, we got on the subject of that time in my life that I went to that counselor. I started telling her that I never really understood why mom took me to see that guy. At which point she informed me about the entire story to which I still do this day have absolutely NO memory of whatsoever.

When I was about twelve...maybe thirteen, I had a diary. I wrote in it all the time. It was like my only friend really...my escape from the real world. I remember the diary very well. My sister told me that my mom had found my diary and read it. And that in that diary I had entries regarding wanting to commit suicide. Again, I have zero memory of this to this very day. SO, that was the reason my mom took me to a counselor. And I guess she didn't want me to know she had read my diary.

So, I guess that is where it all started. It is my belief that suicide is a spirit. A very dark and evil spirit. I remember when I was 17 years old when I lost my son who was four months old to sudden infant death syndrome. I wanted to take my life then. I was just barely seventeen. I was a baby myself for crying out loud! Obviously, I didn't take my own life at that time nor did I try to. But what I did do is start a long, long battle of abusing alcohol and drugs and the lifestyle that came with it. That was my coping mechanism.

My mom died six years after I lost my son. I stopped doing drugs when she died but started drinking very heavily. By the end of that year, I had given my life to the Lord. Once I quit using completely and gave up drinking, I was then faced with a clear mind for the first time in years and years. So, I had to then deal with these terrible losses that I had been covering up with substance and alcohol abuse among various other things.

The emotional pain was so, so very deep. It was like I had just lost my son and my mom all over again only at the same exact time. It was horrendous. It was at this time that suicide had started rearing its ugly head again. I have always been the type of person who says what she means and means what she says. It has always got on my very last nerve to hear people "threaten" suicide because I always thought it was for attention and if someone was really going to do it they just would. So therefore, it was a lifelong secret. The VERY LAST thing I wanted was attention. What I wanted was a way out. I really didn't ever want to end my life, I just wanted to end my pain.

I did tell a pastor's wife what I was dealing with once when I went up to the alter for prayer. My oldest was just a baby. But I was convinced that life and every single person in my life would be better without me in it. She prayed over me and was actually pretty stern with me. I'm not sure that was the right way she should have handled it but I seriously doubt that she had any idea at all how serious the problem was. But, the prayer she spoke over me really helped me a lot. The thoughts subsided and didn't haunt me for many years afterwards.

I would say that it was my go to "way out" in life. When things go wrong in a persons life they always....100% of the time will DO something. They might go immediately to a friend or family member or straight to God. They might cry or get angry. Maybe they go have some drinks at a bar to just not think about it for a while. Or maybe they pop some pills and pull the covers over their heads. Whatever it might be, we all do something. It might be healthy and most likely it is my guess that we ALL have a tendency to do something that isn't quite as healthy. My thing was to secretly contemplate taking my life. Not in a way that I would EVER really do such a thing or act on it in any way whatsoever. But somehow, it provided me with some relief. I know its crazy but just thinking about it made me feel like I had some options...something I could be in control of and do as a very last resort yet knowing deep inside I wouldn't ever do it but that it was somehow a coping mechanism that worked for me.

I know that it will take many, many posts to share all that I have held within being too afraid to tell. But God has released me. So, over a series of many posts, I will share with you my life. The good. The bad. And the extremely ugly.

I had these thoughts randomly throughout my whole life. I never told anyone the depth of my problem. I think mainly because I really and truly did not think that I would ever go through with it and it would just be stupid to tell someone something and worry them over something that was really never going to happen.

In 2009, my husband lost his job. I was completely terrified. Things were absolutely terrible. I worked for a church and I oversaw many large events with lots of pastors. After those events, we would always have leftover food. Literally, that food fed my family on many occasions. I would go up and clean out the fridge at my job and rather than throw out any expired food, I would take it home so we could eat something. Shortly after this, we had to get food stamps because things were just getting way too bad.

During this time the suicidal thoughts started to darken my mind again. But we made it through. God provided, we weren't late on any bill and we ended up being okay. But the thoughts didn't leave. I was already in a very dark place mentally. And I was sinking daily. My husband got a job and things were better financially but I had already turned a corner in my thought life.

I remember on this particular day in April of 2010. I was having a particularly bad day emotionally. I remember this like it just happened moments ago. My husband was at work. The girls were at school. I cannot remember exactly what I was upset about but I went and laid down on my bed. The house was totally spotless. My bed was all made up. I laid down and just looked up at the ceiling as tears started rolling down my cheeks. One, then another, then another. The thoughts overtook my mind. They overshadowed all other thoughts. I thought of my mom that had died of cancer and as I thought on that and cried some more. More thoughts came. The thoughts so suddenly, so quickly took a turn and became very, very dark. I looked up at the ceiling and I said these very words...

"God please. Please, please, please just let me get cancer and die. Please God! Just take my life and let me go".  

The VERY next day, I RANDOMLY did a self-exam in the shower for the very first time in my entire life. And within less than seven days later, I had a mammogram, a sonogram, a biopsy and was diagnosed with cancer. 

I'll let you chew on that for a few days before getting into my next post....................

Free boob job? Uh, NO...not so much!!

I just had to share this story. It is the absolute best article I have ever read on this. It is SO true. I bet you 90% of ANYONE I knew and those I didn't even know said it to me..."Well, at least you get a free boob job!!" Well yeah, not so much.....read on and whatever you do, be sensitive and think about how what you say really might mean to someone going through this very thing. I think sometimes when bad things happen to people, we feel like we "need" to say something. But take it from me....you really, really don't. 

I think most survivors would agree that just listening or sitting with the person in silence does complete wonders!! There is just no need to say a word because what the person wants and needs is YOU. 

__________________

Me and My Foobs: What It's Really Like Post-Mastectomy

Before my surgery, I spoke openly about my decision to undergo a prophylactic bi-lateral mastectomy in the wake of a BRCA-1 diagnosis. I'm now about six weeks post-surgery, the (proud?) owner of two brand spanking new "foobs" (fake boobs), and I've had some time to process the new additions.
First, I believe there's a huge misconception among the general populous about what it means to have one's breasts removed and replaced with artificial ones (if they are replaced at all). When speaking about my upcoming surgery, I had many well-meaning people say things like, "Well at least you get new boobs!" and, "Your husband must be so excited... has he picked 'em out yet?"
Yeah, well, it's not quite like that. Not at all, in fact.
It seems that those not in the know tend to equate post-mastectomy reconstructed breasts with augmented breasts or "boob jobs." Nothing could be further from the truth. You see, augmented breasts are actually real live breasts with nipples and healthy breast tissue behind which silicone or saline implants have been placed, either under or above the muscle, thereby pushing them up and out. We all know what augmented breasts look like; some of them look very real, and many of them look stunningly beautiful. If augmented breasts didn't look damn good, breast augmentation surgeries would not be so, ahem, popular.
So even though augmented boobs are often called "fake boobs," they're really not. I, on the other hand, do have fake boobs (or "foobs," as I have become prone to calling them).
What is attached to my chest right now are a pair of silicone implants with no breast tissue in front of them. I am essentially sporting implants covered with skin. There are no real breasts there to hide the fact that my "breasts" are just implants -- man-made, silicone-filled implants which feel like gel-filled bags and ripple when I move certain ways.
And right now, I have no nipples either. Because leaving enough breast tissue behind the nipple to spare it can create more risk, in that cancer can still occur in the tissue left behind. Also, if the surgeon failed to leave enough tissue attached to the nipple, the nipple could become necrotic and die. As in, turn black and fall off.
No thank you. I wasn't that attached to my nipples.
So I opted against nipple-sparing surgery, and currently have long incisions where my nipples used to be. To put it graphically -- but not so graphically that it would require a "warning" tag when published -- I went from looking like this:

To looking like this:


(Hopefully you get the idea, despite my crude pencil sketches.)
And the view from above right now is even weirder for me. I went from seeing this:
To this:
Now, don't get me wrong. I have no regrets about my decision to have preventative surgery. None, whatsoever. I sleep better knowing that I just shaved about 77 percent off of my 87 percent risk of contracting breast cancer in my lifetime. Nor am I unhappy with my results. I had excellent surgeons and my reconstructed breasts look just like they're supposed to look at this stage. I will have skin-grafted, man-made nipples attached in the next few months, and later have color tattooed on them for good measure. The new nipples ("fips") will hide some of the existing scars, and hopefully will be nice and round and perky. But they'll have no feeling. They'll just be there as accessories. Like earrings.
And while I still look cute in a sexy bra, I no longer walk around topless, and now tend to sleep in camisoles rather than in the buff. I'm also somewhat shy around my husband, and am still shocked at times when I look in the mirror. It's an adjustment, for all of us, even my toddler who gently pats the boo-boos she now sees on my chest.
For me, the psychological impact of losing my breasts was much greater than the physical impact. I am healing rapidly and know that the physical scars will fade. I also know that I made the right decision for me and my family. But those of us who either opted to have mastectomies as a preventative measure, or had mastectomies as a life-saving measure, aren't excited about our "new boobs." In truth, we'll never be the same. We see ourselves differently now when we look in the mirror, because we are different, inside as well as outside.
But at least we're here, stronger and wiser for the experience.
Image via Mark Montgomery; sketches via the author.

Follow Joanna_Montgomery on Twitter: www.twitter.com/hellojomo

My Nosey Angel

I don't even know where to start this entry! When I was first diagnosed, literally just days before my surgery, I got free tickets to go to "Sing for the Cure" in Dallas. We went and it was SO awesome. But before the event started, we were walking around and we saw these "two guys" wearing pink suits and pink shoes, one of them had on a pink hat too! I am saying in this blog post "two guys" because the first time I mentioned the dad in a post I said I met "a big black guy". I think some people got offended by that. But I don't see color!! If he was a big white guy, I would have said "a big white guy"!!

Anyway, we saw them and immediately went up and were just so excited that the dad and son would support their wife and mother like that. Well, as it turns out, the DAD was the breast cancer survivor!! I couldn't believe it. We took their pictures and later on we ran into them again and I took my picture with them. We talked for a bit and he encouraged me and told me a little bit about his story and I think he gave me his card or I gave him my info...I can't even remember right now. So, keep in mind that this was at the Myers Symphony Center which is huge. We go get our seats and lo and behold, they are both sitting next to us!!!! I was like..."uh, NO WAY!?!?" I knew right then God was up to something.

After the event we saw each other again and he encouraged me more and I told him how nice it was to meet them and then what else would I do but give him a big hug! I saw his eyes light up and he smiled SO big. I'll never forget the look on his face as long as I live. It is a shame to say that his eyes lit up because he was so surprised that this white girl would give him the time of day much less a big fat HUG! This man e-mailed me, called me, encouraged me and he hasn't stopped doing so to this very moment. We are friends for life. I get him and he gets me too.

It is really weird because if we would have just met on the street, we probably wouldn't have become friends. But this was a God ordained moment. A moment in time that bonded us together forever. I have been desperately needing to "feel" God's love. And oh what a week it has been. He has shown me every single day how much he loves me. The first two days of the week I got totally random complements from two different people. Yesterday, right when I felt like I was about to bust into tears, my hubby called me. I didn't have time to answer but it was nice to know that he was thinking of me. Today, my bosses wife sent a beautiful single rose with him for ME to work. Just because.

I say all of this to say that you just never know who's ANGEL you might be. This "guy" I am talking about, his name is Michael. Funny, I just realized I've known him all this time and I don't even know his last name. Every time he calls me, he calls me "sis". I just love it!! No one calls me "sis" but him and it thrills my heart to hear it! OH, and by the way, his nickname is "Dr. Nosey" because he asks so many questions! But I love it.

When we have a "thought" or and "idea" we need to stop and ask ourselves is this just a random thought or something God might be up to that will drastically impact the life of someone else. Michael bought me the angel in the picture. I guess you could say he's like my hero. "LET" someone else impact your life or better yet, GO IMPACT THEIRS!! And don't you dare let FEAR stop you from doing so!! It could change their life FOREVER!

Could it really be possible?

Hey Survivors!!!!

I haven't been blogging here in SO long. I do apologize. After having chemo and going through "Chemo Brain", I wondered if I would ever get back to my normal self. If you know me, you know I have a SERIOUS TYPE A personality!! I will never forget my chemo class. Where the nurse tried to reassure me that most people that can really notice chemo brain are those who are very detail oriented, pay attention to detail, are very organized and have a type A personality. At which point I started to freak out internally since she basically described my personality!!!!

When I had my first treatment, a dear friend of mine who is also a survivor warned me about it. And she doesn't even have my personality. I was driving to my doctor appointment when I realized I had taken the wrong highway. I turned around and felt good at that moment that I realized I was going the wrong way and turned around. But about 5 minutes into my drive, I realized I had no memory as to how to get to the doctors office. Which made me totally panic because I had driven there several times a week for many weeks at this point. I called Deryl and was crying my eyes out. Not many people know this side of my story. My survivor friends do but not my "regular" friends.

Cancer rips SO much from you. It is so funny how when it is all over people just think you are done. Life just moves on. Well, not so fast. It sucks. If you know someone who is a survivor you should seriously show them mercy. If you are a survivor, keep your head up...it gets much better. One of the things that drove me crazy about chemo brain is that I couldn't remember words. One day, I was at Chick-fil-A with the girls and they had a little container of Cheerios. I dumped the Cheerios out and asked them if they wanted some of my Cheetos. They started laughing and what was funny was that I knew when I said it that something was wrong. As soon as they said the word Cheerios I just couldn't believe it!

Here it is 19 months after my last treatment. Literally, about two weeks ago I felt a FLOOD of memories come into my mind. It was truly the wildest thing EVER!! I would wake up thinking of things I had forgotten or needed to do. Every day it would increase. I was like my old self. EVERY single thing I needed to do was coming to my mind!! It was incredible. I mean I PHYSICALLY felt it in my brain. SO WEIRD!!!! I could obviously tell it was SO VERY different. With each day I remembered more and am still remembering more to this day. It is AWESOME!!!! TOTALLY AWESOME!!!! I have so much hope and feel SO darn secure!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

It is like ME is back. I guess deep down I thought I was gone forever. I KNOW I am an awesome administrative assistant. But I didn't feel on top of my game for so long. But now that I am actually feeling like my old self I feel like I totally ROCK!!!! What an amazing feeling. Before chemo I knew what I was capable of. I was so solid, so confident. But cancer and chemo stole that from me. Now, I am getting back to ME!!!!

So ladies, hold on to your faith. Hold on to HOPE. It DOES get better!!!! I'm living proof. It may take you down but it can't keep you down!!!! Things will turn around. I promise you.

Please don't forget that you can contact me anytime you want. Even if I don't know you and we have never even met!! I love helping survivors in any way I can. We have to stay united!! Breast cancer bonds women together like nothing I have ever seen before.

You can reach me at kelley@feelthetatas.com

Kelley

Are you overlooking the miracles right in front of you?

Kelley says....

Okay, I think it is time to share some of the miracles that have happened this year, don't ya think? The first thing that comes to mind is when I discovered that my childhood friend had been arrested multiple times and had used my name. This prevented us from getting a house that was very close to Deryl's job. However, after the initial shock, I just knew in my heart that God allowed that to come up because he had a better house for us and that I would end up getting a job that would require a background check. We now live in the biggest house we have ever lived in and in the nicest area we have ever lived in for CHEAPER than we paid in Texas!

When I first found out about all the identity theft I called an attorney here in Georgia who proceeded to tell me that I would have to hire an attorney in Texas and that this was not going to be any sort of quick process. Basically he told me that getting identity theft cleared up is one of the hardest things to do especially since this was a criminal identity theft. Today, I got a notarized letter from the District Attorney in Texas that totally and completely expunged my name so I have a clean record now....with only GOD as my attorney. This is a miracle indeed!!

I started my new job on Oct 11, my mom's birthday. I cannot begin to put into words how much I love my job. I cannot wait to go to work every day. Actually, my weekends go by so slow now because I am longing to be back at work. I have NEVER felt that way about any job I have ever had. To see firsthand God at work each and every single day of the week is just amazing. My job really has meaning. What I do helps everyone else who works there do their job effectively. Salvation's happens all the time there on a regular basis. There are many more volunteers than there are staff and the volunteers are what is making it happen! These aren't your every day volunteers. These people come in many days a week like clock work each and every single week. They work like it is their real job. They work like it is their own organization and like they are being paid. I am amazed each and every day. They are all so very kind and so giving. I just stay in awe.

So, I found out that not only has a Monday prayer group been praying since early 2011 for the right person to fill my position  literally hundreds of people have been praying for this. During the worst time of my ENTIRE life....God had complete strangers praying for me. This just amazes me. I stay amazed at the goodness of God. To think that he truly has gone before me is so awesome. And what amazes me now is that I know that even now he is going before me for even greater things. My work needed me as much as I needed them and they don't even know it! Wow, we serve such a mighty God.

Secondly, one night during my whole interview process, Deryl and I went to a track to get some exercise. He ran and I walked. When you pull into this place there is a park and a library and a skate park. You drive past all of that down into the very back of the area where there is hardly any lighting and there is a football field and a track. It was just us and one other couple. When I was done, I went and sat in the car. While in Deryl's car I discovered yet another lie he had told me. He came to the car and all hell broke loose. At the same time, he started the car and it wouldn't start! Here we were with no one to call and had no idea what to do. The only other couple there didn't have jumper cables. Deryl wants to get the car started and I want to talk about what in the heck I had just found out.

We decide that we should walk up to the skate park since there were always a ton of people there. Literally, we walked up to 5 different cars which all had men in them by the way and every single one said they didn't have cables. I am sure we didn't look like the most friendly and honest people in the world. Here I was absolutely furious with Deryl and he had just finished a 30 minute run and was all sweaty. For some unknown reason I decide to walk up to a woman's mini-van. When I walked up, I saw in her lap a bible and a Beth Moore study and I knew she was my ticket home. She was so scared as I would have been as well. She barely cracked her window and to make a very long story short, it ends up that we lived about 10 houses from each other and attend the same church!!!! Not only that but she was Rachel's small group youth leader!

Now mind you, I was in the middle of interviewing for my current job. I think I had already had my second interview and was pretty convinced I had the job. So I was starting to get worried about the girls having to take the bus. Well don't you know that God let me become friends with this woman and her children go to the girls same schools. She offered to help us with the girls and had that not all happened at the exact time that it did, I would have never met her! We DO serve an on time GOD!!!!

Let us not forget that just because God doesn't answer our prayers the way WE want him to does not mean that he has not answered. Answers to our prayers are ALL around us. We just have to look for them and sometime get a new perspective. I hope this encourages you to know that it just does NOT matter how things look on the outside. God DOES work ALL THINGS together for HIS good!!!! ALL things, not just the things you can't handle! There are so many more miracles. I will post them as I remember them. I will also do a special post about my job soon. It is just amazing. I can't believe the work they do there. I think it is the world's best kept secret and should no longer be a secret! I want the world to know about the non-profit I work for because God is showing up every single day and I can't wait to see what he has in store for me and many others in the upcoming months!!

Random Things I Think I Think

Deryl says.........Kelley and I went to the North Texas Gilda's club last night. Gilda's Club is a community for cancer patients, their families, and survivors. It is named in honor of Gilda Radner of Saturday Night Live fame. We were invited by our friend Michael. Michael is the gentleman I mentioned in an earlier post that we met at Sing For the Cure and was wearing a pink suit, well really pink everything from head to toe. Michael is a breast cancer survivor himself and has stayed in contact with us ever since we met him. He has been a great source of encouragement and Kelley and I are both so glad he invited us last night. It was a meeting called Sisters but a few men were allowed. Cancer patients, caretakers, and survivors all took turns sharing there stories. It was emotional and inspiring and everyone was so positive and hopeful. Some were scared as well. We met a young lady who is having a mastectomy next week. She is only 28 years old. Michael told us about a girl who is 15 and was recently diagnosed with breast cancer.
Kelley and I both shared some of our story with the group. We talked with many people after the meeting was over. When you listen to the stories you realize how precious life is and how radically it can change in a moment. Maybe that is why Jesus said "take no thought for tomorrow" to encourage us to focus on today and let tomorrow take care of itself.
I have learned so much about myself, my wife, my daughters, and others during this time. I thought it would be fun to list them here. So here are some thoughts I have about life:

• I love my wife more than I thought I ever could
• That God is the greatest comforter if you choose to let him
• That everyone is much stronger than they give themselves credit for
• That a cancer diagnosis only magnifies the type of relationship you have with your spouse whether good or bad
• That cancer does not care about your race, sex, social status, religious beliefs or anything else
• That we have higher rates of cancer today than in the past because overall we eat poor nutritionally, we don't exercise enough, we don't manage our stress well, and we take too much medication
• I don't think all of those things are the cause of cancer but I do thing they all contribute to it
• Heather and Rachel are more responsible and thoughtful than I realized
• That seemingly bad things happen to really nice people for no apparent reason
• That everything we think is bad is not always bad it just feels bad for awhile
• That you can discover your life's purpose in your darkest moments
• That you can still have fun and laugh even during a crisis
• That things can always get worse.....or better
• That you can turn scary moments into fun moments
• That the fear of most things are worse than the actual things themselves
• That I have yet to find a creature stronger than a single mother raising young children while fighting cancer
• That what is right for you is not necessarily for me and vice versa
• That judging people is pointless and if you knew the person's story you would probably feel compassion for them and feel guilty for judging them
• That people can say really silly things when they don't know what to say
• That most people are good and want to help
• That most women's biggest fear after a cancer diagnosis is losing their hair
• That I appreciate my family and friends more now than before
• That I wish I would have appreciated them more before
• That life is really good and worth the trouble it sometimes gives you
• That it is more gratifying to help someone than to be helped
• That doctors should be appreciated for their dedication and discipline to become good at what they do
• That doctors are humans and they cannot tell the future
• That we are all connected whether we know it or not
• That the greatest healer of all things is true divine love

You know people tell us all the time how we are handling this so well and how we are an inspiration. And we appreciate that people feel inspired by our story. I think the difference between us and many others going though this is that we are openly sharing our experience. But that is what works for us. There are many others that are equally strong and inspiring. They just do it quietly and share their experience with a select few. Neither one is better than the other. They are just different ways of handling life's opportunities. Everyone has the same spirit and strength within them. They only need to be awakened to it. Some one asked Kelley today if she would give this cancer and its treatment back if she were able and she said no for the same reason I would say no. We are both better people than we were before. We both have more compassionate and open hearts to others. We love more than we did before. You can only measure how well you understand a subject with a test. This is just our test to measure how much we understand what is really important in life. We have not scored an A+ but I feel that we are doing better than average. God is good and He loves us so immensely that we would be shocked and overwhelmed if we would take the time to quiet our minds and just allow ourselves to experience it. So many times we blame God for our bad choices or the bad choices of others. We get upset thinking He should have protected us or our loved one. The thing is, if I look back on my life honestly there were many times I felt a tug in my heart that I ignored. God was communicating to me but I didn't listen. I wonder how many times we all do that. You are all loved with such a great love. Kelley and I talk often about how fortunate we are to know so many of you. You are an encouragement to us and we hope that we can be as much of a blessing to you as you are to us.

The Face of Cancer

Look good, feel better

Kelley says...........


On Monday, I went to a "Beauty class". It was called "Look good, feel better". It was for women who will lose their hair or have already. I walk in there and thought I was in a nursing home. One other lady my age walks in with hair and I was so relieved. That is, until I saw that behind her was her 90 year old mother that she was bringing. Finally, a lady walked in with no hair, she had on a turban. We talked after the class and it turns out that she is 40 just like me and she had Stage 1 breast cancer and just finished her 2nd treatment. So it was really good just to talk to someone who has taken the kind of chemo I will be on to get an idea of what to expect. I also learned how to cut up a t-shirt and use it on my head to help keep hats still. 

Over all, this has been a good week. Been nervous a few times. But Monday was my worst day this week. I think just going to that class made me sad because I just felt so out of place. I start chemo tomorrow and I am planning on getting my head shaved the following Friday. When I think about waiting and just letting it happen whenever it happens, it puts a knot in my stomach. Just the thought of literally watching my hair fall out is just too traumatic. Besides, if I waited we would be talking about days or possibly one extra week with hair. The chemo they use for breast cancer patients causes 100% hair loss 100% of the time. So, I am choosing to be in control of when that happens.

Please pray that every time I have my blood drawn or an IV put in during the next several months, that the person would be very, very good at doing it. That they will have NO problem finding a vein AT ALL!!

I'm with Einstein

Deryl says.........I have had a very solemn day today. I am normally very happy-go-lucky and sail through life with my head in the clouds. But today I have been pondering deeply the things of life. The thing is that at different times of my life it has felt very difficult. But in most cases it was my own direct actions that caused my difficult circumstances. But now I feel as if I am in difficult circumstances that are not of my own doing. But then I wonder did I do anything to contribute to this? I mean I know I did not give Kelley cancer. But did I make lifestyle choices that contributed to it? I mean Kelley wanted me to become a vegetarian many years ago and I told her I would never in my life give up steak. But I felt a tug within to do it. I knew it would make me healthier and Kelley healthier. But I wanted what I wanted. So now all these years later I am happily a vegetarian. I want to make it easier for Kelley and the girls to eat healthy. I never want to see anyone with cancer again. I read a study that showed that the US has the highest rate of breast cancer in the world and we also eat the highest percentage of animal fat and processed foods in our diets of any country in the world. And the study showed a correlation between diet and breast cancer. Japan had the lowest rate of breast cancer and also had the lowest percentage of animal fat and processed foods in their diet. So it appears that my choices have influenced to some degree what we are experiencing now. I am not blaming myself for this. I know Kelley is her own person and could have chosen differently. I also don't know if we had become vegetarians back then that she wouldn't still have cancer now. But what I do know is that there was a part of me that nudged me in that direction and I ignored it. I am not casting blame on myself or anyone else. I am simply stating that I have been pondering how something so seemingly insignificant could possibly have significant outcomes. That when that little voice inside nudges you to do something you know is good for you or your loved ones but you ignore it what are the consequences.
I call that little voice God. And I am paying a lot more attention to that voice than I did before. It is funny how impossible it seemed to give up meat before and how incredibly easy it is now. What changed? My thoughts are the only thing different. I still desired to eat meat when I first started and I still crave it sometimes. But the longer I don't eat it the less I think about eating it.
Life is precious and wonderful even in the hard times because it is a miracle. Einstein once said "in life you either see everything as a miracle or nothing as a miracle". I hope you see it as a miracle. There is no timetable for any of us. Kelley had a son that died at 3 months old and a mother who died at 53. I have a grandmother that is still alive and kicking at 92. Who decides these things? Is it God that takes a son and a mother early and let's someone else live past 100? I mean Kelley's son sure didn't make a choice that took his own life. The point is you can drive your self crazy trying to figure it out or you can take the advice of St. Paul who said "whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is of good report think on these things". Now is always the only moment you have to work with even when planning for the future you are doing it now. So take full advantage of the current moment. Life is always shorter than we expect. Do whatever you are doing with your whole heart and mind. Love life and life will love you back. It is a lesson that comes alive when the reality of death has been placed before you.

Giving blood & Dr. appt

Kelley says...............


Funny, before all this cancer stuff you couldn't pay me a million bucks to donate blood. But now, if it is going to cancer research, I'm all about it! This is the second time I have done it and it feels great. I actually donated to two different places today. One place was sent to St. Louis for a Young Women with Breast Cancer genetic research study. The other one is being done at UT Southwestern also for younger women diagnosed with breast cancer. 


I went to Dr. Kunkel today to get the fluid build up looked at. He did end up having to use a needle and drain the fluid off of both sides. But there wasn't a ton so he was glad about that. He said I may have to have it drained once or twice more but that he thinks right now everything is progressing just fine!! This is wonderful news for me! Now, I just need to get the fluid to quit building up and for both side to finish healing. I cannot move forward with the reconstruction until this happens. And I am ready to have some boobs again!!

Have you been feeling your ta-tas?????? Don't forget!!!!


Kelley

Room 223

Kelley says.........................................I have spent the last 10 days in somewhat of a fog. As I mentioned in my last post, I went away for 24 hours to deal with all the raw emotions I have right now. On the way to the hotel I felt like I was going to barely be able to keep it together just to get myself checked in. But driving there I just kept hearing and seeing the words "I AM STRONG". I thought to myself ya know, I have lost a child for crying out loud and then my mother! I really am strong and I'm going to be able to do this.  

I got settled. I got out my journal, pen, bible and my MP3 player. I then took off all my clothes to change into the clothes I sleep in. I stood there and stared at myself in the long mirror completely naked. I looked at my body and the realization that unless I am miraculously healed, no matter what happens, no matter what procedure I end up having done, I will never look the same way I do at this very moment ever again after my surgery.

I had so many emotions flowing through me. I felt like someone drew blood from me only they didn't take blood, they took a huge part of ME, of my life, of my family, of my job, my normal routine. Then I was injected with change, fear, sadness, grief, questions, anger, nervousness, anxiety, and much more.

My brain doesn't stop. Since being diagnosed, I haven't really felt myself being overcome with fear or worry. It's really weird and hard to explain. Its more like just thousands of questions zooming through my head 90 miles an hour. And it is very hard to even pull one of the thoughts out to concentrate on because there are so many.

I started to journal by writing down every single thing I was angry at God about. I could feel the anger rise up within me along with sadness and tears. I ripped out a page of my spiral, wrote "GOD" in big letters, laid it on the bed and proceeded to beat it with my hairbrush. After just a few times, I stopped and grabbed my MP3 player to listen to some worship songs I had put on there about healing. And some other songs that just make me very emotional. I knew I was sad and needed to go ALL the way there rather than run from it. Its at times like these I would normally bury my head in Deryl's shoulders. But this was between me and my God.
I listened to the worship music and raised my hands in worship to him. I didn't have any bend in my elbows at all. They were stretched all the way out. When one got tired I'd just put it down and then switch to the other. I knew if there was just a way to touch the hem of his garment, I'd get through this.

When I think about how this isn't fair I think "What is fair?" We aren't born with some kind of guarantee life is ever going to be fair. Suddenly, I could feel the real Kelley slowly start to stand up. You know, the one on the inside who got knocked down when she found out she had breast cancer. Those words kept coming back to me...I AM STRONG. Then the fighter in me said "Where's the boxing gloves?"

This isn't going to get me. I am going to accomplish more knowing that I have cancer than I ever could have without it. I've always been a hard headed, controlling, stubborn brat! So I might as well take that part of my personality to take cancer by the horns and take it down. I am a fighter, I am not a quitter, I AM STRONG! This is about me grabbing hold of my God. This is about cancer NOT determining my fate nor my destiny.

Could my cancer actually be a gift to me? I mean, God is entrusting ME to take this and do something with it. I can't sit around and feel sorry for myself any longer. My attitude is everything, I truly believe it. Instead of letting this ruin my life, it is motivating me to eat better, to live better, to get better.

I grabbed my beat up piece of paper with God's name on it, smoothed it all out as nice as I could and held it tight on my chest and the following is what I said to him... The biggest part of me belongs to you God. I am a sold-out believer. You have my heart God. No matter where this journey takes me, I'm yours. I may have questions & I may not understand this, but I can only love you more. I thought to myself...

• What if through my journey and how I handle this experience, one person came to know my savior? Then it would be worth it.

• What if instead of making my children run away from God, it made them run to the arms of their God? Then it would be worth it. 

• What if my good friend who is grieving over the loss of someone dear to her found healing? Then it would be worth it. 

• What if one woman saved her life because she "Felt the Ta-Tas"?  Then it would be worth it.

I realized at this moment that I am a survivor NOW. I don't have to wait on surgery or chemo or radiation or some doctor to tell me so!! God gave me some great ideas on how to reach even more women through this and I was sure to write them all down. I felt so much better. I tossed and turned all night and woke up in tears, again. It has been a sad day and I went to visit Deryl at work and he was also having a sad day. My take away from all this emotional work is that I know I can face whatever lies ahead of me.

I will never be able to express my gratitude to all the people in our circle and even the people who don't even know us who have been reaching out to us. I so strongly feel your thoughts and prayers and I appreciate them greatly. You will never know how much you are helping us right now. I love you all and hope this extremely long post blesses you today.

Emotions

Kelley says................

Before I do a post on the visit to the breast surgeon, I just wanted to take a break here and write about some other stuff. Some of it may be totally random so please bear with me. I haven't talked much about the emotional side of all of this. I have a big brother who is 9 years older than me. I love him so, so much. I didn't have a dad who supported me in any way emotionally or financially growing up. But I had my big brother! He is so great. He has the biggest heart in the whole world. That being said, this was not news I wanted to have to tell him but yet knew I was the only one who could. I waited until after the visit to the surgeon to tell him so I would have more information.

Yesterday I called and asked him if he could come over. He came last night at 6:00 pm. Funny how the exact times are so important to me now. Anyway, I answered the door and he started to come in and I said lets go outside. Deryl was inside the house. I knew how he would react and knew he wouldn't want to break down in front of Deryl.

How do you tell someone you have cancer? I mean, someone you love dearly who is very close to you. Someone who filled the shoes of my father my entire life. Someone who you know loves you dearly. I know, I remember vividly being "the baby" of the family and being told my mom had breast cancer.

He asked me "What's wrong?" To which I just said "I have cancer". I can still hardly type those words and see it come across the screen without breaking down in tears. I will never in this life time forget the look on his face. He was completely and utterly shocked and taken aback. He had asked me on the phone if everything was okay and I told him no but that I didn't want to tell him over the phone. He said he knew it was something bad but thought it would either be something wrong with our older sisters health or that I was getting a divorce.

He crumbled. He cried. We held each other like we would never hold one another again. I saw the pain all over him. He does not have a good life. And I knew this would be so traumatizing for him. I hated this! It sucked and it sucked BAD!! He said he wished he could take it out of me and put it into him. He just kept saying how sorry he was and how he just couldn't understand how this could happen to someone like me.

The truth is, it happens to women every single day who never saw it coming, who have families, who love God, who are healthy, who didn't sign up for this. I am not a person who curses but boy have I thought some pretty bad words in my head the last few days! I am guessing this is probably normal.

Anyway, we talked through everything that the surgeon told me (which I will post later) and what all the different options are. I encouraged him to think about how long ago we lost mom. How things are so different now and they have made so many advances. How this could have happened last year when my husband was without a job. How odd it was that I just randomly out of the complete blue decided to do a self-breast examination. How I truly felt that I was going to get through this. I could tell he was feeling a bit better but still in complete shock. He stayed for a while and we didn't want to leave each other.

He left and Deryl and I got in our car and held hands and said a prayer for him. It somehow seems easier being the person who has cancer. When it is someone you love, I think the enemy bombards you with all the what if's and the biggest fear being, she is going to die just like mom. My mom got very, very sick and I know he doesn't want to see his baby sister like that.

I know there has to be a purpose in this and you know what, I truly want that purpose to be done! I can't believe God thought I of all people would be strong enough to go through this so his light might shine to others and who knows what he will do through this. I am already seeing many, many, many things happening. But I really do believe that this isn't about some small events. I think God is going to do some MAJOR work not only in my own life but in the lives of those around me and I think even people I don't even know yet.

Just gotta stay positive. So keep sending me those messages on Facebook, those voice mails, those texts!! It really encourages me and I appreciate them greatly. I may not get to reply to everyone but I want you to know that those things are what is getting me through each day right now. I don't know what I would do without my wonderful husband. One of his top strengths is Positivity. And that has actually gotten on my nerves many times in our marriage. But I tell you what, God made him for me. His positive attitude and patience with me is carrying me. I love him so much and I'll have to do a totally different post on him at a later time. So be looking for it!!

Biopsy Results

Kelley says........... Events that occurred on April 12th, 2010

I would not say I was really anxious at all this day. I really expected to get a call and hear good news. Even though there was some part of me that knew differently.

I have a small group that meets in a friend’s house every Monday night and we are discussing “Fears”. For the past two weeks the fear we are discussing has been the “Fear of the unknown”. I studied fears, I researched all about fears, I went to God’s word to find out people in the bible who feared the unknown and searched high and low for scriptures. I typed up the plan of what I would tell the ladies. You have to handle fear in steps.

Here they are.

1. Imagine the worst possible outcome
2. Imagine it in steps- what is the next step, then the next step, etc
3. What can I do? Can I get more information? Can I ask for help or tell someone?
4. How likely is this to happen?

I had it all figured out, I would apply this to my situation, it would work like a charm, my biopsy would come back benign, I would get my results and share them at group on Monday night with all my friends.

The home phone, which no one ever calls, rang at 1:52 pm. I had been reading the word so I sat jumped up and ran to the phone. On my caller id it showed it was my gynecologist’s office. So I really thought if they were the ones calling and not the actual women's health care place then this was probably going to be good news!

I said hello and from the very moment the woman opened her mouth I knew my life was about to change. I heard her say that I was being referred to a breast surgeon, I heard her say the words malignant carcinoma and I didn’t hear another word. I asked her to repeat it about three times and she just very kindly said for me to just take a moment, take all the time I needed. At this point, my heart was about to beat out of my chest, my palms were sweaty, I was pacing like a crazy person from my back door to my front door and I was literally trembling.

When the earthquake in Chile happened recently, they said on the news that it was such a high magnitude that the earth actually spun off its axis for a moment in time. Well, that is the only way I can really describe that moment to you. I mean, I am 40 years old! What in the hell just happened? Is this for real? Did I misunderstand her? She didn’t use the words “Breast cancer”. So maybe somehow I am going to be okay.

I called my pastor immediately and I was a bawling mess. By now I was pacing faster, very afraid, did not know what to do, and was shaking all over. He was so reassuring and just pointed me to the Lord. He was a calming force at that moment. He advised me to go ahead and call Deryl which also terrified me. Who wants to tell their spouse, “I have cancer”? And then he said something so smart which was “Call Deryl and I am going to hang up and pray and think for a minute so I know what the right thing is to do”. Wow, what wisdom! My pastor is also my boss. And in reality, I needed to be able to talk to him on the phone but I needed close women friends at that moment and that was exactly the right thing. He called two of the women’s leaders in the church for me.

I had an appointment at 2:00 so I called and canceled that. I called Deryl and I called to get a ride home for Rachel. I called one other lady but I couldn’t reach her. Another good friend was out of town so I didn’t call her. I thought at this point I have to be moving, in action right now, this pacing the floor is not working!! So, I just grabbed my keys and purse and headed out the door. I sent a text to a good friend who has also lost her mom to cancer to see if she was home and she was. I asked if I could come over and she said sure. You know, I know from personal experience that I have a hard time reassuring people whose mom’s have cancer. It just feels like a lie to me because it is just too close to home. I knew she would be the same but yet I knew she was the perfect person for me in that moment.

The two other ladies got there and they encouraged me, they all listened to my fears, comforted me, prayed for me, I could go on and on. Deryl got there and he was so awesome too. My pastor is always talking about living in community. I realized as we all sat there that that is what we were doing. From that very day, I have had countless text messages, e-mails, phone calls and such. I can’t imagine what we would do without our church family. I truly believe they have been God’s hands extended.

We picked up the girls and they knew something was up and so we just were honest about what was going on. Rachel cried and Heather seemed to be okay on the outside but concerned on the inside. Deryl had told me a little earlier that even though he was afraid, he had a peace underneath that. When we asked the girls what they were feeling, Heather said the exact same thing Deryl did. Rachel said she was scared. And boy can I ever relate! I’ll never forget the day I found out my mom had cancer. I cried most of the night that night. At this point, it didn’t seem real. I felt like I was in this weird moment in time that was somehow going to all be a big mistake. I just somehow thought there is just no way I can have cancer in my body.



Deryl says........... I was at work when I got the call. We were expecting the results of the biopsy that day or the next. We were both expecting good news. I said hello and heard nothing but my name through intense sobs. Kelley then said “can you come home?” as she busted out in tears again. I said “what is it?” but received no answer. My stomach started to feel queasy. I knew what had Kelley so upset. All I could say was “Is this what I think it is?”. She said a barely understandable “yes”. My heart was in my throat. A shock wave went through my body. The world seemed so unreal at that moment. I immediately left for home. I called my boss to tell him I was leaving for the day. I struggled to get out the words “We just found out Kelley has breast cancer”. It seemed as if this was someone else’s life I was talking about.

As I drove home the main concern in my mind was Kelley and how she was feeling about this. Kelley lost her mother to breast cancer. Her mother was 53 when she died. I knew that would weigh heavy on her mind. I just wanted to be strong for her. Then my thoughts drifted to our girls Heather and Rachel. How would we tell them? What would we say? They knew all about how their grandmother lost her life to breast cancer Would they fall apart? Would they be strong? It was so much to think about in such a short time.

On my way home Kelley texted me and said she was at our friend Brenda’s house and to go there instead of home. When I arrived Tanna and Beth were there speaking encouraging words to Kelley. Her eyes were red from crying. It appeared that all of them had been crying to some degree. I hugged Kelley tight as she began to sob in my arms. I briefly thought “Am I going to lose my wife?”. My fear quickly gave way to a muted type of anger. Not an overwhelming rage but a “We are going to kick cancer in the ass” type of anger.

The rest of the day was spent trying to encourage Kelley and the girls once we told them the news. Kelley went to her women’s community group that night. She considered not going but I said we should not let cancer push us around. She was a leader and teacher in the group and I figured the encouragement from all of those women would be good for her. Besides if Heather or Rachel needed to have a big cry I thought they might want to do it away from their mother’s view. I was surprised that they did not want to talk about it but I didn’t push them. The day was mostly a fog for me. I felt shock and numbness most of the day.

There was a lot of fear in me at times and anger. But there was also a lot of peace and gratitude. I had fear not that I was going to lose Kelley but that she was going to have to suffer. I was angry because I felt like she did not deserve this. I had peace because I knew in my heart that eventually she would be okay. And I had gratitude because so many people were offering their support in so many different ways. I did not know how at the time but I believed that there would be some ultimate good that would come out of this. So many people loved and cared for us. And we had only told a couple of people up to this point.

The day was mostly a fog but a few things really stood out for me. First, that Kelley had a support group around her before I could even get home. Brenda, Beth, and Tanna were such a blessing for us in that moment. Paul, Brian, and Darla were so encouraging just with their presence. Sometimes there is nothing to say to someone going through difficulty. No words would make me feel better. But all of these people who were there and cried with us and just said "yeah this sucks" with us helped. My boss Stephen who told me I could work from home if I needed and was willing to bring a laptop to my house for me so I could be there for Kelley. I knew that although this would not be easy we would not be alone.

Ta-Tas...the Bearer of Bad News

Kelley says.......Have you felt your ta-tas today? I never did. Why? Because I was afraid that I didn't know how to do it right. I have seen the instructions and it looks so complicated! I mean seriously, lay on your back and put a pillow under your shoulder, you have to use certain fingers and in a certain motion. I'm not a doctor, how am I supposed to know if I am doing it right and how do I even know what in the heck I am really feeling for!!

Well, I am 40 years old and I knew that it was time to go in for a mammogram and also time to go get my pap smear done as well. Deryl finally has good insurance with his job and so what better time to go. With all this in mind, about 4 weeks ago I was in the shower and a totally and completely random thought came that I should do a breast exam. I just grabbed the soap and started feeling around on the right side first. Almost immediately I felt something. It was on the front kind of just below the nipple area. I went to the other side right away to see if maybe it was normal and on both sides. I couldn’t feel anything. So I went back to the right side to check again a little more thoroughly. Well, it was about the size of a frozen pea and it kind of felt like one too.

That night I mentioned to Deryl that I had found something and he felt it and said I probably need to get that checked out. I called my gynecologist the next morning and told her what was going on and I wanted to come in and get an exam and also have her check it out. You know, to see if it was anything to worry about. After pulling my chart and discovering that my mom was diagnosed at 51 and died at 53, they said you need to go in and have a mammogram then come here.

They gave me the number to call and make an appointment. I hung up and within a few minutes they called me back and had already made the appointment for me. The fact that no one even asked if that day was good for me or anything of that nature was a bit alarming. I really wasn't too worried about it at this point though because I am only 40 years old and in good health. Surely this couldn't be a big deal. Boy was I in for a surprise.

Deryl says........ When Kelley got out of the shower and told me she thought she felt something in her breast I thought nothing of it. When I felt the lump the thought flashed in my mind that this could be bad. But I quickly dismissed the thought suggesting she go to the doctor to have it checked out just to be sure. I thought nothing else of it. I guess I assumed that we live a pretty charmed life and something like cancer just isn't in the cards for us.
When she told me she had scheduled a mammogram again I fully expected everything to be just fine. These kind of things just don't happen to us. So far.