Emotions

Kelley says................

Before I do a post on the visit to the breast surgeon, I just wanted to take a break here and write about some other stuff. Some of it may be totally random so please bear with me. I haven't talked much about the emotional side of all of this. I have a big brother who is 9 years older than me. I love him so, so much. I didn't have a dad who supported me in any way emotionally or financially growing up. But I had my big brother! He is so great. He has the biggest heart in the whole world. That being said, this was not news I wanted to have to tell him but yet knew I was the only one who could. I waited until after the visit to the surgeon to tell him so I would have more information.

Yesterday I called and asked him if he could come over. He came last night at 6:00 pm. Funny how the exact times are so important to me now. Anyway, I answered the door and he started to come in and I said lets go outside. Deryl was inside the house. I knew how he would react and knew he wouldn't want to break down in front of Deryl.

How do you tell someone you have cancer? I mean, someone you love dearly who is very close to you. Someone who filled the shoes of my father my entire life. Someone who you know loves you dearly. I know, I remember vividly being "the baby" of the family and being told my mom had breast cancer.

He asked me "What's wrong?" To which I just said "I have cancer". I can still hardly type those words and see it come across the screen without breaking down in tears. I will never in this life time forget the look on his face. He was completely and utterly shocked and taken aback. He had asked me on the phone if everything was okay and I told him no but that I didn't want to tell him over the phone. He said he knew it was something bad but thought it would either be something wrong with our older sisters health or that I was getting a divorce.

He crumbled. He cried. We held each other like we would never hold one another again. I saw the pain all over him. He does not have a good life. And I knew this would be so traumatizing for him. I hated this! It sucked and it sucked BAD!! He said he wished he could take it out of me and put it into him. He just kept saying how sorry he was and how he just couldn't understand how this could happen to someone like me.

The truth is, it happens to women every single day who never saw it coming, who have families, who love God, who are healthy, who didn't sign up for this. I am not a person who curses but boy have I thought some pretty bad words in my head the last few days! I am guessing this is probably normal.

Anyway, we talked through everything that the surgeon told me (which I will post later) and what all the different options are. I encouraged him to think about how long ago we lost mom. How things are so different now and they have made so many advances. How this could have happened last year when my husband was without a job. How odd it was that I just randomly out of the complete blue decided to do a self-breast examination. How I truly felt that I was going to get through this. I could tell he was feeling a bit better but still in complete shock. He stayed for a while and we didn't want to leave each other.

He left and Deryl and I got in our car and held hands and said a prayer for him. It somehow seems easier being the person who has cancer. When it is someone you love, I think the enemy bombards you with all the what if's and the biggest fear being, she is going to die just like mom. My mom got very, very sick and I know he doesn't want to see his baby sister like that.

I know there has to be a purpose in this and you know what, I truly want that purpose to be done! I can't believe God thought I of all people would be strong enough to go through this so his light might shine to others and who knows what he will do through this. I am already seeing many, many, many things happening. But I really do believe that this isn't about some small events. I think God is going to do some MAJOR work not only in my own life but in the lives of those around me and I think even people I don't even know yet.

Just gotta stay positive. So keep sending me those messages on Facebook, those voice mails, those texts!! It really encourages me and I appreciate them greatly. I may not get to reply to everyone but I want you to know that those things are what is getting me through each day right now. I don't know what I would do without my wonderful husband. One of his top strengths is Positivity. And that has actually gotten on my nerves many times in our marriage. But I tell you what, God made him for me. His positive attitude and patience with me is carrying me. I love him so much and I'll have to do a totally different post on him at a later time. So be looking for it!!