Sunday, April 25, 2010

Cancer is a Fun Sucker!

Deryl says.......................................... You know cancer just sucks for everyone involved. Almost all of our days used to be good days. Now we are grateful for good moments. Yesterday was mostly a good day. But cancer just hangs a big dark cloud over everything. The cancer is scary but the treatment is almost as scary. When you get good news you are grateful. But soon the anxiety over the next test result takes up residence in your mind.

My heart breaks for Kelley. She is on an emotional roller coaster. Why wouldn't she be? This is the disease that killed her mother at 53. So things that she might take in stride before put her on the brink of an emotional breakdown. She was so happy yesterday after the MRI results but today is a new day. More pondering about if we get this result should we go with this treatment or the other. Which one will be the best to keep it from returning. And if we don't go with a mastectomy how much anxiety will we have every six months as we visit the doctor to make sure it has not returned.

We have our moments of joy and peace. But fear is still the over riding emotion. I know that in the end we will be ok. But the journey through the valley of cancer land is still scary. I mean doctors aren't perfect. What if they don't get rid of it this time? What if she suffers a mastectomy and chemo and it all comes back? I know I have no control over this. I know something else could happen besides cancer even if they get rid of all the cancer this time. But there is just something different about cancer than any other disease. It is so hard to know if you are really free from it. The treatment of it is so painful and difficult that many forgo standard medical treatment for alternative treatments or even going home and just taking their chances. It sucks any way you look at it.

Having so many express their love and concern helps us. I can feel the prayers of our friends and family keeping us out of this dark vortex of emotion. But cancer can even ruin that for you sometimes. I really appreciate it when people ask how Kelley or I am doing. Most of the time it makes me feel good. But every once in a while I get my mind to a place where I am focused on work or a conversation and feel normal. Then some well meaning person will ask how we are. When they ask I can feel the smile leave my face. Because that simple little question that would in most cases bring happiness because I know they care instead just reminds me that our life is turned upside down.That my wife's life is on the line. I hate the feeling I get when the smile leaves my face. It is something I am not used to. I don't want someone to feel bad about asking either. If you ask me and see the smile leave me it is ok. It is just part of cancer land. A place that brings fear and sadness to all who enter.

I am normally a very positive and upbeat person. Kelley would say I lived with my head in the clouds. Quite frankly I wish I could go back there right now. It feels a lot better. Maybe this is teaching me how to deal with fear, sadness, and anger. But the lesson is a hard one and I don't feel as if I have learned much yet. I have never dealt with any real tragedy in my life. Not one that was this close to me. I guess I was due at some point. But I get really pissed when I think of this disease that has turned our lives upside down. I have read about some cancer patients throwing "F U Cancer" parties. I can see why people would want to. Because you want it to die and disappear forever.

I believe that the spirit is the ultimate reality. I believe at some point Kelley and I will learn a great spiritual lesson from this journey through cancer land. But I am nowhere close to learning it yet. I am at the screw it phase right now. I am angry and afraid and sad all at once. I just want it all to go away. I want God to heal my wife immediately and to have our life back. Perhaps life will be better when this is all said and done. But right now that feels very far away. Right now cancer sucks the fun out of life.

1 comment:

  1. Deryl-You have every right to pissed feel sad and not always have a smile on your face. Your wife is going through one of the toughest times in her life and you want to be her knight in shining armor and take her away from it all. I would so come to that F U Cancer party...LOL. I can also understand the heads being in the clouds are just that, but this is your wife, family and life we are talking about here. I can't even imagine how hard it must be to see the love of your life go through this. I pray for your family all the time and I know God has you in the palm of His hands!! Thanks for being so transparent and telling your side of the story even though I am sure it is difficult. You and Kelley together can kick cancers butt!!!