Hurting people

Kelley says...........


Okay, so I wasn't going to blog this story but a couple of people told me I really need to. On Monday I went to Sam's to pick up some pictures. I pulled into the parking lot and it was like you know, you drive on one side and you are supposed to only pull into a parking place on the right because the cars on the left are parked the opposite direction. Well, there was a close parking place on the left so I just cut it wide to the right to pull in it. I saw a woman and her little boy about to walk by through the space I was fixing to park in so I stopped to wait on them. Immediately, the lady literally starts walking slow as a snail. When she got up to the front bumper and closer to my passenger side window she raises her hand and motions to me how I wasn't supposed to be pulling into the parking space that way and proceeds to tell me off and just walks off. I said out loud in my car "YOU BITCH!!" I'm thinking, do you have any idea what I've been through the last two days?! I pull into the parking place and am thinking I am going to go TELL her what I've been through and she should have a little more compassion for people!!!! I wanted to take my scarf off and strangle her with it!!

Now I just have to tell you that I would NEVER EVER EVER call someone that much less think that about someone. It just came out of nowhere! I felt anger just rising up within me. I got out of my car and was walking behind her. When I felt all that anger as I was looking at her I thought you know......Hurting people, hurt people. I am NOT going to let this woman ruin my day and cause me to react rather than respond. I immediately knew I should just pray for her. 


I just said Lord, I pray right now for this lady that you would bless her beyond belief that your favor would be upon her all the days of her life, I thank you that she is the head and not the tail that she is the beginning and not the end. I pray you would protect that little boy and you would bring joy into her life. I pray Lord that she would never ever get cancer or any other deadly disease and she would always have a healthy life. At that moment all anger left my body. Literally, I felt total peace and all the negative emotion was completely gone. 


I can honestly say I have NEVER experienced something like this before which is pretty darn sad. There have been so many times in my life that someone has done something like that and I didn't react so nicely. In the past I would have stewed over that for days. I would have let it ruin my entire day! It just all comes back to the fact that you have NO idea what people are going through or what has just happened to them or what kind of past and/or current life situation they have going on. 


I hope this helps you today and that you will choose to respond with a genuine prayer the next time someone doesn't treat you justly.


Love always,


Kelley

Cancer is a Fun Sucker!

Deryl says.......................................... You know cancer just sucks for everyone involved. Almost all of our days used to be good days. Now we are grateful for good moments. Yesterday was mostly a good day. But cancer just hangs a big dark cloud over everything. The cancer is scary but the treatment is almost as scary. When you get good news you are grateful. But soon the anxiety over the next test result takes up residence in your mind.

My heart breaks for Kelley. She is on an emotional roller coaster. Why wouldn't she be? This is the disease that killed her mother at 53. So things that she might take in stride before put her on the brink of an emotional breakdown. She was so happy yesterday after the MRI results but today is a new day. More pondering about if we get this result should we go with this treatment or the other. Which one will be the best to keep it from returning. And if we don't go with a mastectomy how much anxiety will we have every six months as we visit the doctor to make sure it has not returned.

We have our moments of joy and peace. But fear is still the over riding emotion. I know that in the end we will be ok. But the journey through the valley of cancer land is still scary. I mean doctors aren't perfect. What if they don't get rid of it this time? What if she suffers a mastectomy and chemo and it all comes back? I know I have no control over this. I know something else could happen besides cancer even if they get rid of all the cancer this time. But there is just something different about cancer than any other disease. It is so hard to know if you are really free from it. The treatment of it is so painful and difficult that many forgo standard medical treatment for alternative treatments or even going home and just taking their chances. It sucks any way you look at it.

Having so many express their love and concern helps us. I can feel the prayers of our friends and family keeping us out of this dark vortex of emotion. But cancer can even ruin that for you sometimes. I really appreciate it when people ask how Kelley or I am doing. Most of the time it makes me feel good. But every once in a while I get my mind to a place where I am focused on work or a conversation and feel normal. Then some well meaning person will ask how we are. When they ask I can feel the smile leave my face. Because that simple little question that would in most cases bring happiness because I know they care instead just reminds me that our life is turned upside down.That my wife's life is on the line. I hate the feeling I get when the smile leaves my face. It is something I am not used to. I don't want someone to feel bad about asking either. If you ask me and see the smile leave me it is ok. It is just part of cancer land. A place that brings fear and sadness to all who enter.

I am normally a very positive and upbeat person. Kelley would say I lived with my head in the clouds. Quite frankly I wish I could go back there right now. It feels a lot better. Maybe this is teaching me how to deal with fear, sadness, and anger. But the lesson is a hard one and I don't feel as if I have learned much yet. I have never dealt with any real tragedy in my life. Not one that was this close to me. I guess I was due at some point. But I get really pissed when I think of this disease that has turned our lives upside down. I have read about some cancer patients throwing "F U Cancer" parties. I can see why people would want to. Because you want it to die and disappear forever.

I believe that the spirit is the ultimate reality. I believe at some point Kelley and I will learn a great spiritual lesson from this journey through cancer land. But I am nowhere close to learning it yet. I am at the screw it phase right now. I am angry and afraid and sad all at once. I just want it all to go away. I want God to heal my wife immediately and to have our life back. Perhaps life will be better when this is all said and done. But right now that feels very far away. Right now cancer sucks the fun out of life.

I am a Lover Not a Fighter! ..........medical update included

Deryl says........................................... Well the last two days have pretty much sucked emotionally. I was feeling an overwhelming sadness yesterday that I could not really tie to any one thing. The frustrating thing is that it has been almost two weeks since we were given the "c" word diagnosis and we barely know more than we did then. Although we have had some positive news there is still so much potential negative news it is overwhelming. There are so many results to wait for before a meaningful decision can be made with regard to treatment. It is almost too much to take in. And if it is overwhelming to me I cannot imagine how difficult it is for Kelley. I mean it is her body that they are talking about removing parts from.

I believe that ultimately God will use this situation for good. As I mentioned before I can already see some good coming out of this situation. But I am afraid for my wife. I am sad that she has to go through this. I am fearful of how much she may have to suffer. I want to FIX IT! But I am helpless against this disease. I cannot fight it or kill it. I cannot protect her from it. It makes me feel weak and sad and hurt. I don't want her to have to go through this. I don't want to go through this. But we are already on the train and it is too late to jump off.

On your wedding day most people are so full of love, hope and excitement. In our vows many say "in sickness and in health" as Kelley and I did. I don't know about you but I didn't give those words much consideration. I never saw cancer in our future back then. But it is times like this when you really find out what kind of relationship you have with your spouse. If you have true love for your wife. I am not talking about romantic "you complete me" type of love. I am talking about looking at the worst case scenario. Knowing that she could lose her breasts, lose her hair, and need to be waited on hand and foot for a long time. And then saying to yourself "I am grateful for the opportunity to show my wife how much I truly love her." and really being able to demonstrate it. I mean how often does someone get to prove their love in a way that leaves no doubt. So when this is all said and done and the cancer has been vanquished forever. My wife will be able to look at me and know I truly love her for who she is. But that kind of love is not something that just happens or that we developed because of some special knowledge or skill. It is the love and the grace of God that allows me to accept this situation and love my wife as I do. I am just loving my wife the way God loves me.

I have a great family around me. And I am not just talking blood relatives only. Many old and new friends have already been there for us before we were even able to ask. That makes it hard to stay sad for very long. It will be nice when we are able to have a day without thinking or talking about cancer. Who knows when that will come? In the mean time I plan to stay positive and lean on my family and friends so my wife can lean on me. So how can I complain when we have all these wonderful people around us? So at least I got that going for me? ......which is nice.

Kelley has an MRI tomorrow. They will be looking for any possible additional tumors. They may also be able to tell if there is any cancer in her lymph nodes from the MRI. We may have a change in the date of her surgery because we probably won't get the genetics test back before the surgery at this point. The genetics test will help determine if she has a lumpectomy or a double mastectomy. I will let everyone know what the new date is when it is scheduled if it changes.