Kelley says......
Well, bad hair days have a whole new meaning to me now. I guess every day is a bad hair day since I don't have any! That would be every woman's worst nightmare I guess, to wake up and look in the mirror and not have any hair.
I don't know how many of you scrapbook or make cards but when I am working on either it really drives me crazy during the creating process. Let's say I am about to work on a scrapbook page. I get all the pictures out that I want to put on that page. Then, I lay them out a million different ways and try to decide what paper I want to use. Then I will try to figure out what layout I am thinking about using. Once I get this part figured out, that is only the beginning!! Then I have to decide how to bring it all together which is definitely the most frustrating part for me. Just something about it won't look right. I'll play around with it over and over and then suddenly I'll think of just the right added touches to put on it that makes it look just perfect and I love it!!
It is kind of like getting ready for a special date. You take your shower, put on your pretty lotion, put on your make-up, fix your hair real nice, spray on your favorite perfume and get dressed. When you look in the mirror you just don't look right, something is missing. You realize you have forgotten to put on any jewelry and when you put it on, it adds just the touch you were looking for and you feel amazing. I have been longing for that feeling. Only the finishing touch for me now is a scarf. Oh how I wish it was fixing my hair. I am great at fixing my hair and love doing it. It used to take me a long time to blow dry, curl or flat iron my hair but I never, ever complained about it. I really enjoyed it.
I just don't feel complete. Yesterday was just a sad day for me. I don't say any of this for anyone to feel sorry for me in ANY way whatsoever. I just always want to be real with how I am feeling so when women who come to my blog in the future who are going through or are about to go through this journey, they can get a real glimpse into what it is truly like. I am okay without having my hair. I guess as okay as anyone can be. I mean, it just is what it is and there is nothing I can do about it but choose the attitude I have about it. I refuse to sit around and feel sorry for myself. But at the most random times I see myself in a reflection and it bothers me. For some reason, when I see a glimpse of myself on accident it is just a reminder of what I am going through and how it still sometimes feels like a dream that I so wish I could awaken from.
I want to feel pretty again. I know my hair doesn't define me so please don't take any of this wrong. This is just how I am feeling at this moment. I am a confident person the majority of the time! Anyway, it just amazes me how we get attached to things that are just "things". Hair will come back, my energy will come back, my normal taste buds will come back, heck....I'm even gonna get my boobs back. I've lost things that have no chance of ever, ever returning to me. So, I guess I will be thankful for the fact that a lot of what I have lost will return. And one thing I know for sure is that money can't buy the wisdom I have gained from this experience.
Showing posts with label hair loss. Show all posts
Showing posts with label hair loss. Show all posts
Thursday, July 29, 2010
Sunday, July 25, 2010
I Think Bald is Beautiful!
Deryl says......Kelley had her second round of chemo on Friday. It was a little rough because they had to stick her more than once to draw her blood and to put her IV in. To top it off I had to leave for work before she was done with chemo which stressed me out some. But it all wound up being okay. Kelley got tired more quickly this time and is having more hot flashes than before but other than that it has been good.
As you know Kelley shaved her hair off before it had a chance to fall out. Well it started falling out more this past week and and left her head kind of splotchy with bald spots. You could just pull the hair at any spot on her head and it just came right out. So Kelley has been trying to pull it out for a few days. Then she asked me to help her pull it out. The problem is her hair is so short it is hard to grab much. So we had to try tweezers. It worked well but it would take days to get it all out using that method. We didn't want to use a regular razor for fear of cuts and infections. So we decided to see what an electric razor would do. I shaved it as close as possible with the electric razor. It took a little while and Kelley said "can you believe we are doing this?". She said "before I didn't want my hair to come out and now I wish it would just all come out." As I am shaving and thinking about how strange it is to be doing this. I whisper into Kelley's ear "is it weird that this is turning me on?". Of course she laughed but she really is hot bald. And I really did enjoy feeling how smooth her skin was after it was shaved. I am watching her now as I blog and she is just rubbing her head. Which is what I plan to do as soon as I am done writing this.
It is strange how the things you can be so afraid of can turn into some of the most intimate moments of your life. I mean for her to trust me enough to allow me to do that. And the fact that I really felt closer to her at that moment is amazing. And that is where true excitement comes from in a relationship. Sex is an important part of a marriage but without these intimate and loving moments away from the bedroom it is just a physical act. But it can be so much more than that if you will cultivate and notice these moments when they happen. You can create opportunities for intimacy with dates and such but the most intimate of moments are unplanned and cannot be planned. Because when your love for one another just bursts forth spontaneously it leaves no doubt that it came straight from your heart.
As you know Kelley shaved her hair off before it had a chance to fall out. Well it started falling out more this past week and and left her head kind of splotchy with bald spots. You could just pull the hair at any spot on her head and it just came right out. So Kelley has been trying to pull it out for a few days. Then she asked me to help her pull it out. The problem is her hair is so short it is hard to grab much. So we had to try tweezers. It worked well but it would take days to get it all out using that method. We didn't want to use a regular razor for fear of cuts and infections. So we decided to see what an electric razor would do. I shaved it as close as possible with the electric razor. It took a little while and Kelley said "can you believe we are doing this?". She said "before I didn't want my hair to come out and now I wish it would just all come out." As I am shaving and thinking about how strange it is to be doing this. I whisper into Kelley's ear "is it weird that this is turning me on?". Of course she laughed but she really is hot bald. And I really did enjoy feeling how smooth her skin was after it was shaved. I am watching her now as I blog and she is just rubbing her head. Which is what I plan to do as soon as I am done writing this.
It is strange how the things you can be so afraid of can turn into some of the most intimate moments of your life. I mean for her to trust me enough to allow me to do that. And the fact that I really felt closer to her at that moment is amazing. And that is where true excitement comes from in a relationship. Sex is an important part of a marriage but without these intimate and loving moments away from the bedroom it is just a physical act. But it can be so much more than that if you will cultivate and notice these moments when they happen. You can create opportunities for intimacy with dates and such but the most intimate of moments are unplanned and cannot be planned. Because when your love for one another just bursts forth spontaneously it leaves no doubt that it came straight from your heart.
Monday, July 19, 2010
Day 16
Kelley says..........
When I had Trish do all my different hair cuts, I decided to just get a buzz cut on the final shave instead of shaving it completely. I did that because I still wanted to know exactly what day my hair fell out. Last night I was making some cards and my scalp felt SO strange. I had heard from many people that that is what happens right before your hair comes out. I reached up and pulled my hair and it was all in my hands! That is when I went and showed Deryl. (see his most recent post for details on the funny story)
I wasn't upset at all. The only thing I could think about is how thankful I was that God gave me the idea to do the different cuts. It was SO much easier to handle. I can't even begin to imagine what it would have been like had I not cut my hair first and then shaved it. The chemo nurse told me everyone's hair falls out in 2 - 14 days after their first treatment. Guess that just shows how stubborn I am!!!! I felt so very empowered that I chose when to cut and shave my hair. Finally something I could be in control of.
Love,
Kelley
When I had Trish do all my different hair cuts, I decided to just get a buzz cut on the final shave instead of shaving it completely. I did that because I still wanted to know exactly what day my hair fell out. Last night I was making some cards and my scalp felt SO strange. I had heard from many people that that is what happens right before your hair comes out. I reached up and pulled my hair and it was all in my hands! That is when I went and showed Deryl. (see his most recent post for details on the funny story)
I wasn't upset at all. The only thing I could think about is how thankful I was that God gave me the idea to do the different cuts. It was SO much easier to handle. I can't even begin to imagine what it would have been like had I not cut my hair first and then shaved it. The chemo nurse told me everyone's hair falls out in 2 - 14 days after their first treatment. Guess that just shows how stubborn I am!!!! I felt so very empowered that I chose when to cut and shave my hair. Finally something I could be in control of.
Love,
Kelley
Monday, July 12, 2010
Reality sets in
Kelley says................(longest post known to man!)
Well, I think my last several posts have been encouraging and inspiring. Today, maybe not so much. At first, I was reluctant to even want to blog about this because there are so many people who read my blog that I know from church. But, I really felt God tugging at my heart asking me "Why do I have my blog?" Well, one reason is to keep everyone informed about what is going on with our situation. But the biggest reason of all has always been to promote the importance of self-breast exams and to help save someone or many people's lives and to encourage them in their own journey.
With that being said, I realized that in order to really encourage someone who is going through this, they have to not only know all the positive sides to cancer but they need me to be real and totally straight up as well. They need to know the truth about the hard days so they don't feel alone or like what they are feeling isn't normal.
SO, first let me say that if you watched my video, you know that Thursday I had one of my biggest breakdowns since being diagnosed. I don't think I have cried that long or that hard since my hotel retreat in the beginning of this whole fiasco. But it was just what I needed.
Friday I went for my first blood draw to get my counts checked. White blood cells are the ones that fight off infections. The day I had chemo, mine were at 11.7 and the lowest in the range is 1.8. The doctor had already told me that I might have to get shots to bring them back up if they ended up in the low range. Well, mine were down to 0.08! So it barely registered that I even have white blood cells. I'm thinking this isn't really THAT big of a deal. Until they tell me to not eat any salad, no raw veggies, don't touch plants or flowers, don't do dishes or clean, call immediately if my fever gets over 100.5, use my hand sanitizer constantly, and go home and stay inside my own home all weekend. Then she said, when you leave and you touch that elevator button, you need to clean your hands.
OMG! WHAT!? You know, I told Deryl that it has seemed most of this time like I have been watching someone else go through this. But the closer it got to Friday when I shaved my head, it was like I was totally backed in a corner with my own self. Suddenly I had to come to grips with the fact that this was indeed happening to ME. I didn't cry but was really bummed. But I just started thinking about what a fun night I was going to have with all my haircuts and how awesome it was that I got to try on some haircuts that I wouldn't have otherwise ever done. I thought of it as a once in a lifetime "opportunity".
So, I had a great weekend. Friday and Saturday I scrapbooked and made cards and listened to worship music all by myself. It was so much fun and I just loved it. My mother-in-law and sister-in-law brought Heather home and Rachel came home from camp. It was so good to see them. I had such a good visit with Mary & Monica. They hung out with me for a while and we got to talk with just us. We haven't done that in a very long time and I REALLY enjoyed it. Monica is a nurse and of course she asked me if I had been taking my temperature like they told me to. I said yes but I hadn't taken it that day. Right when they were getting up to leave I wasn't feeling great and it was weird because it was so sudden. I checked my temp as soon as they left even though I didn't feel hot to myself and it was 99.5! I had been so happy and in such a good mood then I immediately started to cry.
I don't want to be sick anymore. I don't want to have to go to the hospital. I don't, I don't, I don't. I popped some Tylenol and started praying right away. A couple of hours later it had gone down to 98.9 and by the evening was completely gone. I don't know if I have mentioned this on my blog or not but the type of chemo I am getting, I'm not sure if it is with every chemo or not, causes women to go into instant menopause. Well, after the fever event I was just so sad. The girls were here and I haven't seen them all week yet I felt myself getting frustrated with them and I knew it was totally me and not really them.
Yesterday, I had on a pretty dress and one of my favorite scarves that a very dear friend gave me. But yet every time I went to the bathroom and looked in the mirror, I just didn't feel pretty. Everyone knows that I loved my hair. It was something I felt so very confident about. I love that I don't have to wash my hair and style it right now because I had so much hair that it took forever to style it. But, this is just hard. I told a friend that having cancer, battling cancer is so, so, so much more than physical. It is a daily mental battle. It is just way too much sometimes. I mean when most people have a zit, they can cover it up with make-up. Or if you got a tattoo on your arm you regret you can wear long sleeves. But I just can't hide anymore that I am battling cancer. Like I said, sometimes it is just too much for a person.
I am NOT a person who cries a lot. I am always very in control of my emotions and I am a very steady person. But that is seeming to not be the case anymore and I absolutely hate that. I also am experiencing "Chemo Brain" you can google it to find out more if you want. Anyway, I forgot how to get to the doctor's office Friday, I opened the freezer to put away the salt, I can't think of certain words, I was talking to the girls about a show being a rerun and I called it a re-do. UGH. This is really, really hard for an organized, extremely detailed, Type A personality like mine!!
So yeah, there it is. I hope more and more people are drawn to my blog who are newly diagnosed or are currently battling this. Although I am a very positive person and love to encourage and inspire others, I also want to be as authentic as I can so people can see ALL the sides of cancer and not just one side. I hope if you ever meet or know anyone in my shoes that you will be sure to tell them about my blog.
I know this is the longest post I have ever written. Thank you for reading all the way to the end and thank you for being a listening ear during my time of struggle.
Love you all,
Kelley
Well, I think my last several posts have been encouraging and inspiring. Today, maybe not so much. At first, I was reluctant to even want to blog about this because there are so many people who read my blog that I know from church. But, I really felt God tugging at my heart asking me "Why do I have my blog?" Well, one reason is to keep everyone informed about what is going on with our situation. But the biggest reason of all has always been to promote the importance of self-breast exams and to help save someone or many people's lives and to encourage them in their own journey.
With that being said, I realized that in order to really encourage someone who is going through this, they have to not only know all the positive sides to cancer but they need me to be real and totally straight up as well. They need to know the truth about the hard days so they don't feel alone or like what they are feeling isn't normal.
SO, first let me say that if you watched my video, you know that Thursday I had one of my biggest breakdowns since being diagnosed. I don't think I have cried that long or that hard since my hotel retreat in the beginning of this whole fiasco. But it was just what I needed.
Friday I went for my first blood draw to get my counts checked. White blood cells are the ones that fight off infections. The day I had chemo, mine were at 11.7 and the lowest in the range is 1.8. The doctor had already told me that I might have to get shots to bring them back up if they ended up in the low range. Well, mine were down to 0.08! So it barely registered that I even have white blood cells. I'm thinking this isn't really THAT big of a deal. Until they tell me to not eat any salad, no raw veggies, don't touch plants or flowers, don't do dishes or clean, call immediately if my fever gets over 100.5, use my hand sanitizer constantly, and go home and stay inside my own home all weekend. Then she said, when you leave and you touch that elevator button, you need to clean your hands.
OMG! WHAT!? You know, I told Deryl that it has seemed most of this time like I have been watching someone else go through this. But the closer it got to Friday when I shaved my head, it was like I was totally backed in a corner with my own self. Suddenly I had to come to grips with the fact that this was indeed happening to ME. I didn't cry but was really bummed. But I just started thinking about what a fun night I was going to have with all my haircuts and how awesome it was that I got to try on some haircuts that I wouldn't have otherwise ever done. I thought of it as a once in a lifetime "opportunity".
So, I had a great weekend. Friday and Saturday I scrapbooked and made cards and listened to worship music all by myself. It was so much fun and I just loved it. My mother-in-law and sister-in-law brought Heather home and Rachel came home from camp. It was so good to see them. I had such a good visit with Mary & Monica. They hung out with me for a while and we got to talk with just us. We haven't done that in a very long time and I REALLY enjoyed it. Monica is a nurse and of course she asked me if I had been taking my temperature like they told me to. I said yes but I hadn't taken it that day. Right when they were getting up to leave I wasn't feeling great and it was weird because it was so sudden. I checked my temp as soon as they left even though I didn't feel hot to myself and it was 99.5! I had been so happy and in such a good mood then I immediately started to cry.
I don't want to be sick anymore. I don't want to have to go to the hospital. I don't, I don't, I don't. I popped some Tylenol and started praying right away. A couple of hours later it had gone down to 98.9 and by the evening was completely gone. I don't know if I have mentioned this on my blog or not but the type of chemo I am getting, I'm not sure if it is with every chemo or not, causes women to go into instant menopause. Well, after the fever event I was just so sad. The girls were here and I haven't seen them all week yet I felt myself getting frustrated with them and I knew it was totally me and not really them.
Yesterday, I had on a pretty dress and one of my favorite scarves that a very dear friend gave me. But yet every time I went to the bathroom and looked in the mirror, I just didn't feel pretty. Everyone knows that I loved my hair. It was something I felt so very confident about. I love that I don't have to wash my hair and style it right now because I had so much hair that it took forever to style it. But, this is just hard. I told a friend that having cancer, battling cancer is so, so, so much more than physical. It is a daily mental battle. It is just way too much sometimes. I mean when most people have a zit, they can cover it up with make-up. Or if you got a tattoo on your arm you regret you can wear long sleeves. But I just can't hide anymore that I am battling cancer. Like I said, sometimes it is just too much for a person.
I am NOT a person who cries a lot. I am always very in control of my emotions and I am a very steady person. But that is seeming to not be the case anymore and I absolutely hate that. I also am experiencing "Chemo Brain" you can google it to find out more if you want. Anyway, I forgot how to get to the doctor's office Friday, I opened the freezer to put away the salt, I can't think of certain words, I was talking to the girls about a show being a rerun and I called it a re-do. UGH. This is really, really hard for an organized, extremely detailed, Type A personality like mine!!
So yeah, there it is. I hope more and more people are drawn to my blog who are newly diagnosed or are currently battling this. Although I am a very positive person and love to encourage and inspire others, I also want to be as authentic as I can so people can see ALL the sides of cancer and not just one side. I hope if you ever meet or know anyone in my shoes that you will be sure to tell them about my blog.
I know this is the longest post I have ever written. Thank you for reading all the way to the end and thank you for being a listening ear during my time of struggle.
Love you all,
Kelley
Saturday, July 10, 2010
The Elephant in the Room
Kelley says...............
I took a shower this morning and washed my hair for a long time. Because I knew it would be the last time I would do it for quite some time. I was sure to put lots of hair product in, blow dry it and flat iron it the best I could. My hairdresser had a fabulous idea of doing another video blog of my transformation. I am so proud of myself that I edited the video all by myself!
You know, when I found out I had cancer and had to tell anyone it was so awkward. I didn't know how to say it and a lot of people didn't know how to respond. So, that got me to thinking of how awkward it will be for people the first time they see me without my hair. I really think that my video and pictures will help so everyone who knows me can take a good look and it won't be near as shocking. So when you see me, please don't feel weird. I'm still me! I will just look a little different. But hey, I really like it. I went and got a few scarves that I really like and a few people have given me some really pretty ones too. So I am set.
Let me know what you think about the video!!
I took a shower this morning and washed my hair for a long time. Because I knew it would be the last time I would do it for quite some time. I was sure to put lots of hair product in, blow dry it and flat iron it the best I could. My hairdresser had a fabulous idea of doing another video blog of my transformation. I am so proud of myself that I edited the video all by myself!
You know, when I found out I had cancer and had to tell anyone it was so awkward. I didn't know how to say it and a lot of people didn't know how to respond. So, that got me to thinking of how awkward it will be for people the first time they see me without my hair. I really think that my video and pictures will help so everyone who knows me can take a good look and it won't be near as shocking. So when you see me, please don't feel weird. I'm still me! I will just look a little different. But hey, I really like it. I went and got a few scarves that I really like and a few people have given me some really pretty ones too. So I am set.
Let me know what you think about the video!!
Thursday, July 1, 2010
My EVER evolving hair
Kelley says.................
Well, tomorrow I start chemo. I can't believe how fast time has gone by this week. All week I have been thinking about the Friday after next when I will have my head shaved. I have to admit, just thinking about it and imagining how that night will be is just stinking depressing!! Years ago, I was a hairdresser. I also did nails for many years and I still do my own. For as long as I can remember I have always gotten compliments on my hair. It hasn't mattered if it was super long, super short, red, blonde, curly, Texas "BIG", or whatever, people have always loved my hair and so have I. As women we don't usually think about our good qualities, we think instead about all of our shortcomings. You know like, I wish I was skinny like so and so or I wish I had bigger boobs or I wish my stomach didn't pooch out, I have big thighs, why can't I lose weight, I wish I was taller.....the list could go on forever.
So as I pondered getting my head shaved and imagining a bunch of tears I just started thinking to myself, how can I make this fun? I mean, you just don't get this "opportunity" every day. How can I make the best out of this situation? Well, I have always loved Ellen's hair as well as Sharon Stone's. I always thought to myself that when I am older and finally do cut my hair I will get that haircut.
My hairdresser is totally awesome and she loves my hair too! I can pretty much wear whatever haircut I want. When my hair is just starting to grow out after chemo she had the idea of starting with a Jamie Lee Curtis look until I have enough for the Ellen/Sharon look. SO, I thought why don't I have her take a before picture and then cut it into the Ellen cut and then take a picture. Then, she can cut it in the Jamie Lee Curtis cut and take a picture. Then she can do something really fun and take a picture and THEN shave it! I'm just going to make a night of it. I am sure there will be tears, no doubt. But this way there will be lots of laughter too. AND, I will feel like I get to "try on" the other cuts! Not many people get the chance to do something like this so I feel so lucky!!!!
I'll be posting pics of the transformation next weekend.
Kelley
Well, tomorrow I start chemo. I can't believe how fast time has gone by this week. All week I have been thinking about the Friday after next when I will have my head shaved. I have to admit, just thinking about it and imagining how that night will be is just stinking depressing!! Years ago, I was a hairdresser. I also did nails for many years and I still do my own. For as long as I can remember I have always gotten compliments on my hair. It hasn't mattered if it was super long, super short, red, blonde, curly, Texas "BIG", or whatever, people have always loved my hair and so have I. As women we don't usually think about our good qualities, we think instead about all of our shortcomings. You know like, I wish I was skinny like so and so or I wish I had bigger boobs or I wish my stomach didn't pooch out, I have big thighs, why can't I lose weight, I wish I was taller.....the list could go on forever.
So as I pondered getting my head shaved and imagining a bunch of tears I just started thinking to myself, how can I make this fun? I mean, you just don't get this "opportunity" every day. How can I make the best out of this situation? Well, I have always loved Ellen's hair as well as Sharon Stone's. I always thought to myself that when I am older and finally do cut my hair I will get that haircut.
My hairdresser is totally awesome and she loves my hair too! I can pretty much wear whatever haircut I want. When my hair is just starting to grow out after chemo she had the idea of starting with a Jamie Lee Curtis look until I have enough for the Ellen/Sharon look. SO, I thought why don't I have her take a before picture and then cut it into the Ellen cut and then take a picture. Then, she can cut it in the Jamie Lee Curtis cut and take a picture. Then she can do something really fun and take a picture and THEN shave it! I'm just going to make a night of it. I am sure there will be tears, no doubt. But this way there will be lots of laughter too. AND, I will feel like I get to "try on" the other cuts! Not many people get the chance to do something like this so I feel so lucky!!!!
I'll be posting pics of the transformation next weekend.
Kelley
Look good, feel better
Kelley says...........
On Monday, I went to a "Beauty class". It was called "Look good, feel better". It was for women who will lose their hair or have already. I walk in there and thought I was in a nursing home. One other lady my age walks in with hair and I was so relieved. That is, until I saw that behind her was her 90 year old mother that she was bringing. Finally, a lady walked in with no hair, she had on a turban. We talked after the class and it turns out that she is 40 just like me and she had Stage 1 breast cancer and just finished her 2nd treatment. So it was really good just to talk to someone who has taken the kind of chemo I will be on to get an idea of what to expect. I also learned how to cut up a t-shirt and use it on my head to help keep hats still.
Over all, this has been a good week. Been nervous a few times. But Monday was my worst day this week. I think just going to that class made me sad because I just felt so out of place. I start chemo tomorrow and I am planning on getting my head shaved the following Friday. When I think about waiting and just letting it happen whenever it happens, it puts a knot in my stomach. Just the thought of literally watching my hair fall out is just too traumatic. Besides, if I waited we would be talking about days or possibly one extra week with hair. The chemo they use for breast cancer patients causes 100% hair loss 100% of the time. So, I am choosing to be in control of when that happens.
Please pray that every time I have my blood drawn or an IV put in during the next several months, that the person would be very, very good at doing it. That they will have NO problem finding a vein AT ALL!!
On Monday, I went to a "Beauty class". It was called "Look good, feel better". It was for women who will lose their hair or have already. I walk in there and thought I was in a nursing home. One other lady my age walks in with hair and I was so relieved. That is, until I saw that behind her was her 90 year old mother that she was bringing. Finally, a lady walked in with no hair, she had on a turban. We talked after the class and it turns out that she is 40 just like me and she had Stage 1 breast cancer and just finished her 2nd treatment. So it was really good just to talk to someone who has taken the kind of chemo I will be on to get an idea of what to expect. I also learned how to cut up a t-shirt and use it on my head to help keep hats still.
Over all, this has been a good week. Been nervous a few times. But Monday was my worst day this week. I think just going to that class made me sad because I just felt so out of place. I start chemo tomorrow and I am planning on getting my head shaved the following Friday. When I think about waiting and just letting it happen whenever it happens, it puts a knot in my stomach. Just the thought of literally watching my hair fall out is just too traumatic. Besides, if I waited we would be talking about days or possibly one extra week with hair. The chemo they use for breast cancer patients causes 100% hair loss 100% of the time. So, I am choosing to be in control of when that happens.
Please pray that every time I have my blood drawn or an IV put in during the next several months, that the person would be very, very good at doing it. That they will have NO problem finding a vein AT ALL!!
Saturday, June 26, 2010
Fear and Love
Deryl says........We went "chemo class" the other day. Which was informative and scary. As I have mentioned before, the thing about cancer is that the treatment is just as scary as the disease itself. So for those of you who don't understand how chemo works I will give you a brief and unscientific explanation. In essence they give you poison that kills the cancer cells in your body. It also kills a lot of the good cells in your body. The goal of chemo is to give you enough poison to kill the cancer but not enough to kill you or cause permanent damage. So we are really looking forward to that.
They also told us that Kelley's immune system would be severely depressed. So much so that we must keep everything in the house disinfected constantly, that Kelley should not touch things that are handled by many people such as a grocery cart, and if she gets a fever of 100.5 or more she needs to go to the emergency room immediately. If she has a fever of any kind we must call the doctor immediately as well. Good times.
To complete the trifecta of fun Kelley was informed that she would lose all of her hair somewhere between day 2 and day 20. We were already aware that she was going to lose her hair but hearing it so "matter of factually" from that nurse suddenly kind of struck the nail all the way in, so to speak. I don't care if Kelley is bald forever. I am not in love with her hair. But I do know that it is going to affect her emotionally. How could it not? I thought about what it would be like to lose all of my hair and the thought of it made me very uncomfortable. And I am a guy! We lose our hair all the time with no medical assistance whatsoever. But when a woman loses her hair it is like losing a part of her femininity. I think even more so than her breasts. And even though it will come back it is traumatic. This is what Kelley feared the most when we received this diagnosis. It pains me to see her in anguish over this and the many other concerns she has about this situation. But I have also witnessed her grow and let go of things that she never would have been able to let go of in the past. Just in the last few days her faith has grown. She has really embraced this "believing before seeing" concept she wrote about earlier.
So my biggest fear in all this is Kelley getting some type of infection while undergoing chemo and her emotional reaction to losing her hair. So I could use your prayers in that area. I am not much of a worrier so if I am worrying it is usually very serious.
During this time I have spent a lot of time contemplating love and specifically God's love. You could sit around and say why me in a situation like this or you can just trust in the love of God. Jesus said you can sum up the entire bible in the following statement - love God, love your neighbor, love yourself. Seems pretty simple in theory but in practice we make it difficult. I mean how do you love God? How do you demonstrate it? Well, I can try to communicate with Him through prayer, meditation, and contemplation. How is there love without communication right? Jesus said "if you love me you will obey my commands". But I don't see that as following all the commands of the bible. Many people try to do that without any real love in their heart. They do it out of fear. I think Jesus was really talking about when you hear him within. When he is trying to guide you through life. That little voice or tug in a certain direction that you can listen to or ignore it like I did with the vegetarian thing.
Another thing that came to me while I was contemplating this was that we could love God by simply choosing to see things different than we do now. My pastor was telling the story of Adam and Eve last Sunday. He said something that really stuck with me. What he said was that when God placed Adam and Eve in the Garden of Eden he said they could have everything in the Garden except this one thing. They could eat the fruit of every tree except one. It doesn't say how many trees they could choose to eat from but I imagine it was hundreds or even thousands. But someone pointed out this one thing that they could not have and all of a sudden that was all they could see. In that moment they could no longer see everything that was available to them. All of the abundance and good things God had given them was lost in their eyes. They saw the one thing they didn't have and said that thing will make my life better if only I could have it. Well you probably know the rest of the story. But what really stood out to me from that story was how that seems to be the source of the problem of most people. We get focused on how life will be so much better when we get this or that. My life will be better if I had more money, better health, a wife, a husband, a baby, etc. And we totally lose site of everything we have available to us now. Our family, our friends, our job, our life, our breath. If you are able to read this blog right now you can be grateful for a computer, internet access, your sight, not having cancer. There is so much to be thankful for in this moment right now.
If we can begin to see that God has provided every good thing in our life it will increase the love in our hearts. When we receive the money we need and instead of just seeing the money see the one who gave it to us and be thankful. Then our hearts will be full. We will begin to see more of the blessings in our lives. And the things that we lack and think we need will become less important.
Yes my wife has cancer. And yes I would prefer that she didn't. But I have my wife right now. And I don't know if that will always be the case. I am grateful to have found someone that I love so much and that loves me just as much. I have someone that treats me with love and respect and loves me in spite of my many flaws. And I have her right now. I could lose her tomorrow or 50 years from now but fretting about it today only diminishes the gratitude and love I could be feeling and sharing. We don't worry and love at the same time. We cannot feel fear and gratitude in the same moment. So at this moment I am choosing to see the good and thank God for it. That is one way I can love God. I hope this doesn't come across as preachy as I am writing this to myself more than anything else. But if it helps anyone else then that is a bonus.
I don't know if I would be spending all of this time thinking about God and His love if I was not in this situation. But it is changing me for the better.
They also told us that Kelley's immune system would be severely depressed. So much so that we must keep everything in the house disinfected constantly, that Kelley should not touch things that are handled by many people such as a grocery cart, and if she gets a fever of 100.5 or more she needs to go to the emergency room immediately. If she has a fever of any kind we must call the doctor immediately as well. Good times.
To complete the trifecta of fun Kelley was informed that she would lose all of her hair somewhere between day 2 and day 20. We were already aware that she was going to lose her hair but hearing it so "matter of factually" from that nurse suddenly kind of struck the nail all the way in, so to speak. I don't care if Kelley is bald forever. I am not in love with her hair. But I do know that it is going to affect her emotionally. How could it not? I thought about what it would be like to lose all of my hair and the thought of it made me very uncomfortable. And I am a guy! We lose our hair all the time with no medical assistance whatsoever. But when a woman loses her hair it is like losing a part of her femininity. I think even more so than her breasts. And even though it will come back it is traumatic. This is what Kelley feared the most when we received this diagnosis. It pains me to see her in anguish over this and the many other concerns she has about this situation. But I have also witnessed her grow and let go of things that she never would have been able to let go of in the past. Just in the last few days her faith has grown. She has really embraced this "believing before seeing" concept she wrote about earlier.
So my biggest fear in all this is Kelley getting some type of infection while undergoing chemo and her emotional reaction to losing her hair. So I could use your prayers in that area. I am not much of a worrier so if I am worrying it is usually very serious.
During this time I have spent a lot of time contemplating love and specifically God's love. You could sit around and say why me in a situation like this or you can just trust in the love of God. Jesus said you can sum up the entire bible in the following statement - love God, love your neighbor, love yourself. Seems pretty simple in theory but in practice we make it difficult. I mean how do you love God? How do you demonstrate it? Well, I can try to communicate with Him through prayer, meditation, and contemplation. How is there love without communication right? Jesus said "if you love me you will obey my commands". But I don't see that as following all the commands of the bible. Many people try to do that without any real love in their heart. They do it out of fear. I think Jesus was really talking about when you hear him within. When he is trying to guide you through life. That little voice or tug in a certain direction that you can listen to or ignore it like I did with the vegetarian thing.
Another thing that came to me while I was contemplating this was that we could love God by simply choosing to see things different than we do now. My pastor was telling the story of Adam and Eve last Sunday. He said something that really stuck with me. What he said was that when God placed Adam and Eve in the Garden of Eden he said they could have everything in the Garden except this one thing. They could eat the fruit of every tree except one. It doesn't say how many trees they could choose to eat from but I imagine it was hundreds or even thousands. But someone pointed out this one thing that they could not have and all of a sudden that was all they could see. In that moment they could no longer see everything that was available to them. All of the abundance and good things God had given them was lost in their eyes. They saw the one thing they didn't have and said that thing will make my life better if only I could have it. Well you probably know the rest of the story. But what really stood out to me from that story was how that seems to be the source of the problem of most people. We get focused on how life will be so much better when we get this or that. My life will be better if I had more money, better health, a wife, a husband, a baby, etc. And we totally lose site of everything we have available to us now. Our family, our friends, our job, our life, our breath. If you are able to read this blog right now you can be grateful for a computer, internet access, your sight, not having cancer. There is so much to be thankful for in this moment right now.
If we can begin to see that God has provided every good thing in our life it will increase the love in our hearts. When we receive the money we need and instead of just seeing the money see the one who gave it to us and be thankful. Then our hearts will be full. We will begin to see more of the blessings in our lives. And the things that we lack and think we need will become less important.
Yes my wife has cancer. And yes I would prefer that she didn't. But I have my wife right now. And I don't know if that will always be the case. I am grateful to have found someone that I love so much and that loves me just as much. I have someone that treats me with love and respect and loves me in spite of my many flaws. And I have her right now. I could lose her tomorrow or 50 years from now but fretting about it today only diminishes the gratitude and love I could be feeling and sharing. We don't worry and love at the same time. We cannot feel fear and gratitude in the same moment. So at this moment I am choosing to see the good and thank God for it. That is one way I can love God. I hope this doesn't come across as preachy as I am writing this to myself more than anything else. But if it helps anyone else then that is a bonus.
I don't know if I would be spending all of this time thinking about God and His love if I was not in this situation. But it is changing me for the better.
Friday, June 18, 2010
Being in control
Kelley says............
Well, according to my calculations I will be completely bald in about 30 days. I have been wondering how traumatic this will be for me. In this whole journey so far, cancer has dictated my life so much. Even doctor's tell you when your appointments are, they don't ask when it is convenient for you. I usually have 2-3 appointment each and every week. I feel so out of control of my life.
So when I was thinking about all of this, I had the thought that you know, I think I am going to be in control of exactly when my hair goes. I don't want to sit around and wait for it to come out and have to see it fall out in big clumps. That is just too much to handle for someone with all this hair! So, I have chosen to go tomorrow and get my hair cut into a cute short cut. Then after my first treatment, when I decide, my long time hairdresser is going to come over and shave it for me in the comfort of my own home.
I think this will be a much easier transition for me. I'll have short hair and will have a few weeks to get used to that before it is all gone. I know some people don't lose their hair during chemo but the chemo used for breast cancer causes complete hair loss. I went to the doctor yesterday and they gave me a coupon for a free scarf at this store located inside Baylor All Saints where I had my surgery. Heather went with me. Turns out that someone had just donated a ton of scarves and stuff just the day before. I was supposed to only get one scarf for free. And all the cute ones cost so much that I had went in thinking I would buy one that I like and get the free one as well. I know God's favor must have been upon me because they let me have FOUR for free and I purchased one. So, I got 5 that I really like for $28.00!! I never thought I would be so excited about getting such a great deal on something. But that was really a blessing.
I'll post a picture of my new hair over the weekend. Also, I did a video blog that is titled "My Story" at the top of the home page of my blog. I would love for you to share it with everyone you know to help me promote the importance of self-breast examinations. And I thank you tons in advance for helping me try to save the lives of other women. If it makes it easier, you can just send this link. http://feelthetatas.blogspot.com/p/my-story.html
Well, according to my calculations I will be completely bald in about 30 days. I have been wondering how traumatic this will be for me. In this whole journey so far, cancer has dictated my life so much. Even doctor's tell you when your appointments are, they don't ask when it is convenient for you. I usually have 2-3 appointment each and every week. I feel so out of control of my life.
So when I was thinking about all of this, I had the thought that you know, I think I am going to be in control of exactly when my hair goes. I don't want to sit around and wait for it to come out and have to see it fall out in big clumps. That is just too much to handle for someone with all this hair! So, I have chosen to go tomorrow and get my hair cut into a cute short cut. Then after my first treatment, when I decide, my long time hairdresser is going to come over and shave it for me in the comfort of my own home.
I think this will be a much easier transition for me. I'll have short hair and will have a few weeks to get used to that before it is all gone. I know some people don't lose their hair during chemo but the chemo used for breast cancer causes complete hair loss. I went to the doctor yesterday and they gave me a coupon for a free scarf at this store located inside Baylor All Saints where I had my surgery. Heather went with me. Turns out that someone had just donated a ton of scarves and stuff just the day before. I was supposed to only get one scarf for free. And all the cute ones cost so much that I had went in thinking I would buy one that I like and get the free one as well. I know God's favor must have been upon me because they let me have FOUR for free and I purchased one. So, I got 5 that I really like for $28.00!! I never thought I would be so excited about getting such a great deal on something. But that was really a blessing.
I'll post a picture of my new hair over the weekend. Also, I did a video blog that is titled "My Story" at the top of the home page of my blog. I would love for you to share it with everyone you know to help me promote the importance of self-breast examinations. And I thank you tons in advance for helping me try to save the lives of other women. If it makes it easier, you can just send this link. http://feelthetatas.blogspot.com/p/my-story.html
Thursday, June 17, 2010
Chemo Bah Humbug! :(
Deryl says.....Well most of you know now that Kelley is going to have chemo. I intended to write a post on Tuesday but was just too tired. I was in a very bad mood as well. My last post was so positive and I was feeling really good but this was just a punch in the gut. I really thought we were going to be able to skip this part. And it really pissed me off that we are not. But it was probably a good thing that I did not post that day because it probably would have been very dark and whiny. Because that is exactly how I felt that day.
But I am feeling much better today. And although I am not happy about the fact that Kelley is going to have to suffer more than she already has I have accepted it now and am moving on to action. Thinking about what can I do to make things easier for her. Chemo starts on July 2nd and continues for 12 weeks. She will definitely lose her hair which was her biggest concern about all of this. So my biggest concern is how to make this easier for her emotionally. I will post again this weekend.
But I am feeling much better today. And although I am not happy about the fact that Kelley is going to have to suffer more than she already has I have accepted it now and am moving on to action. Thinking about what can I do to make things easier for her. Chemo starts on July 2nd and continues for 12 weeks. She will definitely lose her hair which was her biggest concern about all of this. So my biggest concern is how to make this easier for her emotionally. I will post again this weekend.
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