Kelley says................(longest post known to man!)
Well, I think my last several posts have been encouraging and inspiring. Today, maybe not so much. At first, I was reluctant to even want to blog about this because there are so many people who read my blog that I know from church. But, I really felt God tugging at my heart asking me "Why do I have my blog?" Well, one reason is to keep everyone informed about what is going on with our situation. But the biggest reason of all has always been to promote the importance of self-breast exams and to help save someone or many people's lives and to encourage them in their own journey.
With that being said, I realized that in order to really encourage someone who is going through this, they have to not only know all the positive sides to cancer but they need me to be real and totally straight up as well. They need to know the truth about the hard days so they don't feel alone or like what they are feeling isn't normal.
SO, first let me say that if you watched my video, you know that Thursday I had one of my biggest breakdowns since being diagnosed. I don't think I have cried that long or that hard since my hotel retreat in the beginning of this whole fiasco. But it was just what I needed.
Friday I went for my first blood draw to get my counts checked. White blood cells are the ones that fight off infections. The day I had chemo, mine were at 11.7 and the lowest in the range is 1.8. The doctor had already told me that I might have to get shots to bring them back up if they ended up in the low range. Well, mine were down to 0.08! So it barely registered that I even have white blood cells. I'm thinking this isn't really THAT big of a deal. Until they tell me to not eat any salad, no raw veggies, don't touch plants or flowers, don't do dishes or clean, call immediately if my fever gets over 100.5, use my hand sanitizer constantly, and go home and stay inside my own home all weekend. Then she said, when you leave and you touch that elevator button, you need to clean your hands.
OMG! WHAT!? You know, I told Deryl that it has seemed most of this time like I have been watching someone else go through this. But the closer it got to Friday when I shaved my head, it was like I was totally backed in a corner with my own self. Suddenly I had to come to grips with the fact that this was indeed happening to ME. I didn't cry but was really bummed. But I just started thinking about what a fun night I was going to have with all my haircuts and how awesome it was that I got to try on some haircuts that I wouldn't have otherwise ever done. I thought of it as a once in a lifetime "opportunity".
So, I had a great weekend. Friday and Saturday I scrapbooked and made cards and listened to worship music all by myself. It was so much fun and I just loved it. My mother-in-law and sister-in-law brought Heather home and Rachel came home from camp. It was so good to see them. I had such a good visit with Mary & Monica. They hung out with me for a while and we got to talk with just us. We haven't done that in a very long time and I REALLY enjoyed it. Monica is a nurse and of course she asked me if I had been taking my temperature like they told me to. I said yes but I hadn't taken it that day. Right when they were getting up to leave I wasn't feeling great and it was weird because it was so sudden. I checked my temp as soon as they left even though I didn't feel hot to myself and it was 99.5! I had been so happy and in such a good mood then I immediately started to cry.
I don't want to be sick anymore. I don't want to have to go to the hospital. I don't, I don't, I don't. I popped some Tylenol and started praying right away. A couple of hours later it had gone down to 98.9 and by the evening was completely gone. I don't know if I have mentioned this on my blog or not but the type of chemo I am getting, I'm not sure if it is with every chemo or not, causes women to go into instant menopause. Well, after the fever event I was just so sad. The girls were here and I haven't seen them all week yet I felt myself getting frustrated with them and I knew it was totally me and not really them.
Yesterday, I had on a pretty dress and one of my favorite scarves that a very dear friend gave me. But yet every time I went to the bathroom and looked in the mirror, I just didn't feel pretty. Everyone knows that I loved my hair. It was something I felt so very confident about. I love that I don't have to wash my hair and style it right now because I had so much hair that it took forever to style it. But, this is just hard. I told a friend that having cancer, battling cancer is so, so, so much more than physical. It is a daily mental battle. It is just way too much sometimes. I mean when most people have a zit, they can cover it up with make-up. Or if you got a tattoo on your arm you regret you can wear long sleeves. But I just can't hide anymore that I am battling cancer. Like I said, sometimes it is just too much for a person.
I am NOT a person who cries a lot. I am always very in control of my emotions and I am a very steady person. But that is seeming to not be the case anymore and I absolutely hate that. I also am experiencing "Chemo Brain" you can google it to find out more if you want. Anyway, I forgot how to get to the doctor's office Friday, I opened the freezer to put away the salt, I can't think of certain words, I was talking to the girls about a show being a rerun and I called it a re-do. UGH. This is really, really hard for an organized, extremely detailed, Type A personality like mine!!
So yeah, there it is. I hope more and more people are drawn to my blog who are newly diagnosed or are currently battling this. Although I am a very positive person and love to encourage and inspire others, I also want to be as authentic as I can so people can see ALL the sides of cancer and not just one side. I hope if you ever meet or know anyone in my shoes that you will be sure to tell them about my blog.
I know this is the longest post I have ever written. Thank you for reading all the way to the end and thank you for being a listening ear during my time of struggle.
Love you all,
Kelley
Showing posts with label diagnosis. Show all posts
Showing posts with label diagnosis. Show all posts
Monday, July 12, 2010
Saturday, April 17, 2010
Biopsy Results
Kelley says........... Events that occurred on April 12th, 2010
I would not say I was really anxious at all this day. I really expected to get a call and hear good news. Even though there was some part of me that knew differently.
I have a small group that meets in a friend’s house every Monday night and we are discussing “Fears”. For the past two weeks the fear we are discussing has been the “Fear of the unknown”. I studied fears, I researched all about fears, I went to God’s word to find out people in the bible who feared the unknown and searched high and low for scriptures. I typed up the plan of what I would tell the ladies. You have to handle fear in steps.
Here they are.
1. Imagine the worst possible outcome
2. Imagine it in steps- what is the next step, then the next step, etc
3. What can I do? Can I get more information? Can I ask for help or tell someone?
4. How likely is this to happen?
I had it all figured out, I would apply this to my situation, it would work like a charm, my biopsy would come back benign, I would get my results and share them at group on Monday night with all my friends.
The home phone, which no one ever calls, rang at 1:52 pm. I had been reading the word so I sat jumped up and ran to the phone. On my caller id it showed it was my gynecologist’s office. So I really thought if they were the ones calling and not the actual women's health care place then this was probably going to be good news!
I said hello and from the very moment the woman opened her mouth I knew my life was about to change. I heard her say that I was being referred to a breast surgeon, I heard her say the words malignant carcinoma and I didn’t hear another word. I asked her to repeat it about three times and she just very kindly said for me to just take a moment, take all the time I needed. At this point, my heart was about to beat out of my chest, my palms were sweaty, I was pacing like a crazy person from my back door to my front door and I was literally trembling.
When the earthquake in Chile happened recently, they said on the news that it was such a high magnitude that the earth actually spun off its axis for a moment in time. Well, that is the only way I can really describe that moment to you. I mean, I am 40 years old! What in the hell just happened? Is this for real? Did I misunderstand her? She didn’t use the words “Breast cancer”. So maybe somehow I am going to be okay.
I called my pastor immediately and I was a bawling mess. By now I was pacing faster, very afraid, did not know what to do, and was shaking all over. He was so reassuring and just pointed me to the Lord. He was a calming force at that moment. He advised me to go ahead and call Deryl which also terrified me. Who wants to tell their spouse, “I have cancer”? And then he said something so smart which was “Call Deryl and I am going to hang up and pray and think for a minute so I know what the right thing is to do”. Wow, what wisdom! My pastor is also my boss. And in reality, I needed to be able to talk to him on the phone but I needed close women friends at that moment and that was exactly the right thing. He called two of the women’s leaders in the church for me.
I had an appointment at 2:00 so I called and canceled that. I called Deryl and I called to get a ride home for Rachel. I called one other lady but I couldn’t reach her. Another good friend was out of town so I didn’t call her. I thought at this point I have to be moving, in action right now, this pacing the floor is not working!! So, I just grabbed my keys and purse and headed out the door. I sent a text to a good friend who has also lost her mom to cancer to see if she was home and she was. I asked if I could come over and she said sure. You know, I know from personal experience that I have a hard time reassuring people whose mom’s have cancer. It just feels like a lie to me because it is just too close to home. I knew she would be the same but yet I knew she was the perfect person for me in that moment.
The two other ladies got there and they encouraged me, they all listened to my fears, comforted me, prayed for me, I could go on and on. Deryl got there and he was so awesome too. My pastor is always talking about living in community. I realized as we all sat there that that is what we were doing. From that very day, I have had countless text messages, e-mails, phone calls and such. I can’t imagine what we would do without our church family. I truly believe they have been God’s hands extended.
We picked up the girls and they knew something was up and so we just were honest about what was going on. Rachel cried and Heather seemed to be okay on the outside but concerned on the inside. Deryl had told me a little earlier that even though he was afraid, he had a peace underneath that. When we asked the girls what they were feeling, Heather said the exact same thing Deryl did. Rachel said she was scared. And boy can I ever relate! I’ll never forget the day I found out my mom had cancer. I cried most of the night that night. At this point, it didn’t seem real. I felt like I was in this weird moment in time that was somehow going to all be a big mistake. I just somehow thought there is just no way I can have cancer in my body.
Deryl says........... I was at work when I got the call. We were expecting the results of the biopsy that day or the next. We were both expecting good news. I said hello and heard nothing but my name through intense sobs. Kelley then said “can you come home?” as she busted out in tears again. I said “what is it?” but received no answer. My stomach started to feel queasy. I knew what had Kelley so upset. All I could say was “Is this what I think it is?”. She said a barely understandable “yes”. My heart was in my throat. A shock wave went through my body. The world seemed so unreal at that moment. I immediately left for home. I called my boss to tell him I was leaving for the day. I struggled to get out the words “We just found out Kelley has breast cancer”. It seemed as if this was someone else’s life I was talking about.
As I drove home the main concern in my mind was Kelley and how she was feeling about this. Kelley lost her mother to breast cancer. Her mother was 53 when she died. I knew that would weigh heavy on her mind. I just wanted to be strong for her. Then my thoughts drifted to our girls Heather and Rachel. How would we tell them? What would we say? They knew all about how their grandmother lost her life to breast cancer Would they fall apart? Would they be strong? It was so much to think about in such a short time.
On my way home Kelley texted me and said she was at our friend Brenda’s house and to go there instead of home. When I arrived Tanna and Beth were there speaking encouraging words to Kelley. Her eyes were red from crying. It appeared that all of them had been crying to some degree. I hugged Kelley tight as she began to sob in my arms. I briefly thought “Am I going to lose my wife?”. My fear quickly gave way to a muted type of anger. Not an overwhelming rage but a “We are going to kick cancer in the ass” type of anger.
The rest of the day was spent trying to encourage Kelley and the girls once we told them the news. Kelley went to her women’s community group that night. She considered not going but I said we should not let cancer push us around. She was a leader and teacher in the group and I figured the encouragement from all of those women would be good for her. Besides if Heather or Rachel needed to have a big cry I thought they might want to do it away from their mother’s view. I was surprised that they did not want to talk about it but I didn’t push them. The day was mostly a fog for me. I felt shock and numbness most of the day.
There was a lot of fear in me at times and anger. But there was also a lot of peace and gratitude. I had fear not that I was going to lose Kelley but that she was going to have to suffer. I was angry because I felt like she did not deserve this. I had peace because I knew in my heart that eventually she would be okay. And I had gratitude because so many people were offering their support in so many different ways. I did not know how at the time but I believed that there would be some ultimate good that would come out of this. So many people loved and cared for us. And we had only told a couple of people up to this point.
The day was mostly a fog but a few things really stood out for me. First, that Kelley had a support group around her before I could even get home. Brenda, Beth, and Tanna were such a blessing for us in that moment. Paul, Brian, and Darla were so encouraging just with their presence. Sometimes there is nothing to say to someone going through difficulty. No words would make me feel better. But all of these people who were there and cried with us and just said "yeah this sucks" with us helped. My boss Stephen who told me I could work from home if I needed and was willing to bring a laptop to my house for me so I could be there for Kelley. I knew that although this would not be easy we would not be alone.
I would not say I was really anxious at all this day. I really expected to get a call and hear good news. Even though there was some part of me that knew differently.
I have a small group that meets in a friend’s house every Monday night and we are discussing “Fears”. For the past two weeks the fear we are discussing has been the “Fear of the unknown”. I studied fears, I researched all about fears, I went to God’s word to find out people in the bible who feared the unknown and searched high and low for scriptures. I typed up the plan of what I would tell the ladies. You have to handle fear in steps.
Here they are.
1. Imagine the worst possible outcome
2. Imagine it in steps- what is the next step, then the next step, etc
3. What can I do? Can I get more information? Can I ask for help or tell someone?
4. How likely is this to happen?
I had it all figured out, I would apply this to my situation, it would work like a charm, my biopsy would come back benign, I would get my results and share them at group on Monday night with all my friends.
The home phone, which no one ever calls, rang at 1:52 pm. I had been reading the word so I sat jumped up and ran to the phone. On my caller id it showed it was my gynecologist’s office. So I really thought if they were the ones calling and not the actual women's health care place then this was probably going to be good news!
I said hello and from the very moment the woman opened her mouth I knew my life was about to change. I heard her say that I was being referred to a breast surgeon, I heard her say the words malignant carcinoma and I didn’t hear another word. I asked her to repeat it about three times and she just very kindly said for me to just take a moment, take all the time I needed. At this point, my heart was about to beat out of my chest, my palms were sweaty, I was pacing like a crazy person from my back door to my front door and I was literally trembling.
When the earthquake in Chile happened recently, they said on the news that it was such a high magnitude that the earth actually spun off its axis for a moment in time. Well, that is the only way I can really describe that moment to you. I mean, I am 40 years old! What in the hell just happened? Is this for real? Did I misunderstand her? She didn’t use the words “Breast cancer”. So maybe somehow I am going to be okay.
I called my pastor immediately and I was a bawling mess. By now I was pacing faster, very afraid, did not know what to do, and was shaking all over. He was so reassuring and just pointed me to the Lord. He was a calming force at that moment. He advised me to go ahead and call Deryl which also terrified me. Who wants to tell their spouse, “I have cancer”? And then he said something so smart which was “Call Deryl and I am going to hang up and pray and think for a minute so I know what the right thing is to do”. Wow, what wisdom! My pastor is also my boss. And in reality, I needed to be able to talk to him on the phone but I needed close women friends at that moment and that was exactly the right thing. He called two of the women’s leaders in the church for me.
I had an appointment at 2:00 so I called and canceled that. I called Deryl and I called to get a ride home for Rachel. I called one other lady but I couldn’t reach her. Another good friend was out of town so I didn’t call her. I thought at this point I have to be moving, in action right now, this pacing the floor is not working!! So, I just grabbed my keys and purse and headed out the door. I sent a text to a good friend who has also lost her mom to cancer to see if she was home and she was. I asked if I could come over and she said sure. You know, I know from personal experience that I have a hard time reassuring people whose mom’s have cancer. It just feels like a lie to me because it is just too close to home. I knew she would be the same but yet I knew she was the perfect person for me in that moment.
The two other ladies got there and they encouraged me, they all listened to my fears, comforted me, prayed for me, I could go on and on. Deryl got there and he was so awesome too. My pastor is always talking about living in community. I realized as we all sat there that that is what we were doing. From that very day, I have had countless text messages, e-mails, phone calls and such. I can’t imagine what we would do without our church family. I truly believe they have been God’s hands extended.
We picked up the girls and they knew something was up and so we just were honest about what was going on. Rachel cried and Heather seemed to be okay on the outside but concerned on the inside. Deryl had told me a little earlier that even though he was afraid, he had a peace underneath that. When we asked the girls what they were feeling, Heather said the exact same thing Deryl did. Rachel said she was scared. And boy can I ever relate! I’ll never forget the day I found out my mom had cancer. I cried most of the night that night. At this point, it didn’t seem real. I felt like I was in this weird moment in time that was somehow going to all be a big mistake. I just somehow thought there is just no way I can have cancer in my body.
Deryl says........... I was at work when I got the call. We were expecting the results of the biopsy that day or the next. We were both expecting good news. I said hello and heard nothing but my name through intense sobs. Kelley then said “can you come home?” as she busted out in tears again. I said “what is it?” but received no answer. My stomach started to feel queasy. I knew what had Kelley so upset. All I could say was “Is this what I think it is?”. She said a barely understandable “yes”. My heart was in my throat. A shock wave went through my body. The world seemed so unreal at that moment. I immediately left for home. I called my boss to tell him I was leaving for the day. I struggled to get out the words “We just found out Kelley has breast cancer”. It seemed as if this was someone else’s life I was talking about.
As I drove home the main concern in my mind was Kelley and how she was feeling about this. Kelley lost her mother to breast cancer. Her mother was 53 when she died. I knew that would weigh heavy on her mind. I just wanted to be strong for her. Then my thoughts drifted to our girls Heather and Rachel. How would we tell them? What would we say? They knew all about how their grandmother lost her life to breast cancer Would they fall apart? Would they be strong? It was so much to think about in such a short time.
On my way home Kelley texted me and said she was at our friend Brenda’s house and to go there instead of home. When I arrived Tanna and Beth were there speaking encouraging words to Kelley. Her eyes were red from crying. It appeared that all of them had been crying to some degree. I hugged Kelley tight as she began to sob in my arms. I briefly thought “Am I going to lose my wife?”. My fear quickly gave way to a muted type of anger. Not an overwhelming rage but a “We are going to kick cancer in the ass” type of anger.
The rest of the day was spent trying to encourage Kelley and the girls once we told them the news. Kelley went to her women’s community group that night. She considered not going but I said we should not let cancer push us around. She was a leader and teacher in the group and I figured the encouragement from all of those women would be good for her. Besides if Heather or Rachel needed to have a big cry I thought they might want to do it away from their mother’s view. I was surprised that they did not want to talk about it but I didn’t push them. The day was mostly a fog for me. I felt shock and numbness most of the day.
There was a lot of fear in me at times and anger. But there was also a lot of peace and gratitude. I had fear not that I was going to lose Kelley but that she was going to have to suffer. I was angry because I felt like she did not deserve this. I had peace because I knew in my heart that eventually she would be okay. And I had gratitude because so many people were offering their support in so many different ways. I did not know how at the time but I believed that there would be some ultimate good that would come out of this. So many people loved and cared for us. And we had only told a couple of people up to this point.
The day was mostly a fog but a few things really stood out for me. First, that Kelley had a support group around her before I could even get home. Brenda, Beth, and Tanna were such a blessing for us in that moment. Paul, Brian, and Darla were so encouraging just with their presence. Sometimes there is nothing to say to someone going through difficulty. No words would make me feel better. But all of these people who were there and cried with us and just said "yeah this sucks" with us helped. My boss Stephen who told me I could work from home if I needed and was willing to bring a laptop to my house for me so I could be there for Kelley. I knew that although this would not be easy we would not be alone.
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