Complaints & Tears

Kelley says..............


My life before cancer did not consist of very many tears. I never have been much of a crier or a complainer. Actually, people who cry all the time and/or complain a lot tend to irritate me, or they used to anyway. It seems as though every single thing I have ever judged someone else for seems to happen to me. I guess you could say the scripture that has come to life in my own life is "Do not judge, or you too will be judged" Matthew 7:1 (NIV)


Today I woke up in tears and have had a hard time holding it together. So, I thought I would just turn to my blog and allow myself to just go with my feelings, allow myself to complain for a couple of minutes and then go deep within myself and pull out of this funk so I can have a good day. So here goes....

1. I want to sleep in bed with my husband and not in a recliner next to my bed.
2. I want to go to the pool with my children.
3. I want to stop crying.
4. I want to take my kids shopping by myself.
5. I want to drive myself wherever I want to go.
6. I want to be able to clean my house and do my laundry, yes, I said that out loud!
7. I want to be able to be intimate with my hubby.
8. I am sick and tired and did I mention SICK & TIRED of having drain tubes that hurt me.
9. I am tired of needing help and assistance.
10. I want to sleep on my side again.
11. I am tired of Neosporin.
12. I am tired of gauze and band-aids.
13. I am tired of the side effects of pain medication.
14. I am tired of going to doctor appointments.
15. I wish I could just take 10 days of antibiotics and be all better.
16. I want all my medical bills to magically disappear.
17. I want to go away somewhere with my family.
18. I want to go to church.
19. I don't want my kids and Deryl to have to go through this.
20. I miss Naomi.
21. I miss my sister.
22. I want to see my best friend.
23. I want to take a "quick" shower.
24. I want my dog to get better (his leg is hurt and we can't afford the vet bill)
25. I just can't help but complain one last time about how irritating drain tubes are!!!!

Whew, I feel better already! I think I just needed to get that out and off my mind. I guess it is okay to complain sometimes. I guess I have earned the right to complain a little bit it would seem. But one side of me says that it isn't okay to complain and cry and that I need to put on my big girl panties and get over it. Yuck, I don't know why I am so hard on myself. Sure sounds harsh while saying it and I can't imagine ever being that harsh with someone else. And I know you are probably still laughing at the "Big girl panties" comment thinking I don't wear any. BUT, believe it or not, I have decided that since I have no need for a bra that I am going to become a "Pantie" girl. Ha, ha, ha. I know this is too much information for some of you but it cracks me up and that is all that matters, right!! They really bug me but I'm trying to get used to them and Deryl is having fun picking them out at the store!


Humor seems to always help pull me out of the down times. I'm starting to feel better and the tears have stopped streaming down my face. So, that is a good sign. One good thing about these kind of days is that after going through life-coaching, I have a huge tool box of ways to dig myself out of the "ruts" of life. I know how to pull myself back up. It isn't always easy but the majority of the time I am very positive about life and have a great attitude and outlook on everything. So, that is what I am doing now. Pulling myself back up from a dark place of tears, sadness and complaining. Back up to the positive. So, I must end this post with the positive side of all that is.

1. In March, I randomly decided to do a self-breast exam because I am now 40 years old.
2. My gynecologist is the one who referred me to Solis Women's Healthcare and to my breast surgeon. I randomly picked her from a list of gynecologists 8 years ago. I totally believe God lead me to her and I have never known why until now.
3. My breast surgeon referred me to my awesome plastic surgeon who totally rocks.
4. My cancer was Grade One and Stage One, couldn't ask for a better prognosis.
5. I found Baylor All Saints in Fort Worth. 
6. I am alive!
7. I have the best church family in all the world!
8. I have awesome family and friends who love us all.
9. I have the best husband in the entire world.
10. My kids take such good care of me and are handling this so very well.
11. I have health insurance.
12. Deryl's job is allowing him to work from home so he can help me.
13. I'm not having to go through this alone.
14. I have new friends that are also survivors which help me know I'm gonna be okay and get through the hard times.
15. God gave me the idea for my blog.
16. I serve a great big God and have never once said "Why me?"
17. I have had the privilege of informing other women about the importance of self-breast exams and I have NO doubt that I will contribute to helping save the lives of other women.
18. My job has been so understanding and patient.
19. The girls are almost out of school and will be home to help me.
20. We appreciate each other more.
21. We appreciate life so much more.
22. Prayers, support and kindness from many people who I don't even know.
23. We have completely changed our eating habits.
24. I have been given a platform to help other women.
25. I believe I am now CANCER FREE!!

I am Joining the Pink Mafia!

Deryl says........................................................... You know there are so many things about this situation that you could call bad. But we really don't know if something is good or bad while we are in the midst of it. We say this situation is bad because that is how it feels right now. But I can already see some good coming out of it. I see Kelley becoming willing to cut loose a little more than she did before. She is letting go of the little things that seemed important before but really weren't. I have a greater appreciation for her. I have always loved her and have been grateful to have her. But it almost seems as if I had been taking her for granted recently. I feel more love and gratitude now than ever to be her husband. It makes me wonder why, if I was capable of greater love and gratitude, did it take something like this for me to realize it?
I had a really good week. I felt really hopeful and positive. When Kelley had a emotional moment I just felt so much love for her in those moments. I know God was giving me His strength in those moments. And I knew that we could handle whatever was thrown at us. We have so much support around us from family and friends. And I know that we are loved so deeply by God and those around us. It carries all of us.
But today was a downer for me most of the day. I was sad and could not seem to pull out of it. At one point I could feel a good cry welling up within me but never had the opportunity to let it go. I have a feeling it will be returning at some point. Hopefully I will be somewhere that I can let it loose. It's funny how not too long ago I would feel like a little girl if I wanted to cry but now I don't really care. I mean I am not about to do it at work or in a real public place but pretty much anywhere else I would be OK with it. Which is a major improvement for me. I realize keeping all that emotion bottled up is not good for me.
I do feel as if I over react sometimes when the girls argue with one another. At moments I feel really angry that they won't put aside the petty things they argue about. I want to say things like can't you get along for your mother's sake. Thank goodness I haven't let something like that slip out of my mouth. I have to take a few deep breaths and remember that they are going through this as well and no matter how good they seem to be handling it they have a lot of emotions about what is happening. I do feel guilty at times because I spend so much time thinking about Kelley and what she is going through I forget they are having struggles. They are such wonderful girls. I wish I was better at being there for them. Maybe through this I can learn to show them how I care better than I have in the past. That would be a positive from this negative situation.
I titled this post "I am Joining the Pink Mafia" because I want to kill breast cancer. However, I am thinking we might be better served promoting health and prevention. In many case we can kill breast cancer. But the treatment seems to be almost as scary as death. I know that we are so much more than our physical bodies. But for a woman to lose her breasts, her hair and suffer all the sickness and pain to kill that cancer is an incredibly taxing emotional and physical toll. I have been doing a lot of research about breast cancer and one of the most notable links is a high fat and low fiber diet. The US has the highest incidence of breast cancer in the world and the highest fat intake per capita in the world. Let's eat a little more fruit, a little less meat and french fries, and "Save the Ta Tas".