Monday, May 31, 2010

Complaints & Tears

Kelley says..............

My life before cancer did not consist of very many tears. I never have been much of a crier or a complainer. Actually, people who cry all the time and/or complain a lot tend to irritate me, or they used to anyway. It seems as though every single thing I have ever judged someone else for seems to happen to me. I guess you could say the scripture that has come to life in my own life is "Do not judge, or you too will be judged" Matthew 7:1 (NIV)

Today I woke up in tears and have had a hard time holding it together. So, I thought I would just turn to my blog and allow myself to just go with my feelings, allow myself to complain for a couple of minutes and then go deep within myself and pull out of this funk so I can have a good day. So here goes....
  1. I want to sleep in bed with my husband and not in a recliner next to my bed.
  2. I want to go to the pool with my children.
  3. I want to stop crying.
  4. I want to take my kids shopping by myself.
  5. I want to drive myself wherever I want to go.
  6. I want to be able to clean my house and do my laundry, yes, I said that out loud!
  7. I want to be able to be intimate with my hubby.
  8. I am sick and tired and did I mention SICK & TIRED of having drain tubes that hurt me.
  9. I am tired of needing help and assistance.
  10. I want to sleep on my side again.
  11. I am tired of Neosporin.
  12. I am tired of gauze and band-aids.
  13. I am tired of the side effects of pain medication.
  14. I am tired of going to doctor appointments.
  15. I wish I could just take 10 days of antibiotics and be all better.
  16. I want all my medical bills to magically disappear.
  17. I want to go away somewhere with my family.
  18. I want to go to church.
  19. I don't want my kids and Deryl to have to go through this.
  20. I miss Naomi.
  21. I miss my sister.
  22. I want to see my best friend.
  23. I want to take a "quick" shower.
  24. I want my dog to get better (his leg is hurt and we can't afford the vet bill)
  25. I just can't help but complain one last time about how irritating drain tubes are!!!!
Whew, I feel better already! I think I just needed to get that out and off my mind. I guess it is okay to complain sometimes. I guess I have earned the right to complain a little bit it would seem. But one side of me says that it isn't okay to complain and cry and that I need to put on my big girl panties and get over it. Yuck, I don't know why I am so hard on myself. Sure sounds harsh while saying it and I can't imagine ever being that harsh with someone else. And I know you are probably still laughing at the "Big girl panties" comment thinking I don't wear any. BUT, believe it or not, I have decided that since I have no need for a bra that I am going to become a "Pantie" girl. Ha, ha, ha. I know this is too much information for some of you but it cracks me up and that is all that matters, right!! They really bug me but I'm trying to get used to them and Deryl is having fun picking them out at the store!

Humor seems to always help pull me out of the down times. I'm starting to feel better and the tears have stopped streaming down my face. So, that is a good sign. One good thing about these kind of days is that after going through life-coaching, I have a huge tool box of ways to dig myself out of the "ruts" of life. I know how to pull myself back up. It isn't always easy but the majority of the time I am very positive about life and have a great attitude and outlook on everything. So, that is what I am doing now. Pulling myself back up from a dark place of tears, sadness and complaining. Back up to the positive. So, I must end this post with the positive side of all that is.
  1. In March, I randomly decided to do a self-breast exam because I am now 40 years old.
  2. My gynecologist is the one who referred me to Solis Women's Healthcare and to my breast surgeon. I randomly picked her from a list of gynecologists 8 years ago. I totally believe God lead me to her and I have never known why until now.
  3. My breast surgeon referred me to my awesome plastic surgeon who totally rocks.
  4. My cancer was Grade One and Stage One, couldn't ask for a better prognosis.
  5. I found Baylor All Saints in Fort Worth. 
  6. I am alive!
  7. I have the best church family in all the world!
  8. I have awesome family and friends who love us all.
  9. I have the best husband in the entire world.
  10. My kids take such good care of me and are handling this so very well.
  11. I have health insurance.
  12. Deryl's job is allowing him to work from home so he can help me.
  13. I'm not having to go through this alone.
  14. I have new friends that are also survivors which help me know I'm gonna be okay and get through the hard times.
  15. God gave me the idea for my blog.
  16. I serve a great big God and have never once said "Why me?"
  17. I have had the privilege of informing other women about the importance of self-breast exams and I have NO doubt that I will contribute to helping save the lives of other women.
  18. My job has been so understanding and patient.
  19. The girls are almost out of school and will be home to help me.
  20. We appreciate each other more.
  21. We appreciate life so much more.
  22. Prayers, support and kindness from many people who I don't even know.
  23. We have completely changed our eating habits.
  24. I have been given a platform to help other women.
  25. I believe I am now CANCER FREE!!


  1. Awe honey!! I wish I was there to give you a big hug!!! Gently anyway. You are a stronger woman than I am Kelley. You inspire me!! I love you my sweet and tender friend.

  2. I like the "big girl panties" comment. I noticed that you said that Deryl is helping you pick out underwear. Does it make him uncomfortable? I have taken Jennifer into Victoria Secrets before and I was a wreck. Seeing older women picking out tiny pairs of underwear made me feel a little sick.

    Jerry Carnes

  3. Jerry,

    I am assuming when you say "older women" you are not talking about Jennifer, right!! When we have been at the store, we have luckily been pretty much in that area by ourselves. But hey, if older women are at Victoria Secrets picking out tiny pairs of panties then us younger ladies have hope!!


  4. Kelley,

    I just loved this blog post. I have not posted on any of them, but I have been keeping up with your blog as you all write them. I am so glad that you are finding all of the positive things out of life's obstacle. I am praying for you. ;)