Friday, May 21, 2010

Let's Get Ready to Rumble!

Deryl says.......It is my first evening as caregiver for Kelley and I don't know how I would have handled it if Kelley's sister was not here. It is not the actual care giving that is stressful but trying to remember what to do, how to do it, and when. We had our first scare tonight as Pam and I were helping Kelley with her drain tubes. She got queasy and felt faint. We had to sit her down and get a cold rag for her head. She was very frightened that she might throw up and how painful it would be. It causes her so much pain just to hiccup. I was afraid throwing up might cause her to pass out. Fortunately we made it through without any issues.

Kelley was in a lot of pain most of the day. It was very difficult to watch her struggle with that so much today. Of course I am sure it was much harder for her. The thing that makes it difficult is that I cannot do anything for her. I am helpless in making her pain go away. I just try to focus on the end result which is a long cancer free life together. That helps me get through a day like today.

She really enjoyed all the visitors that came by. It helped her spirits. She had so many people she did not know that prayed for her and wore pink in support for her. That really touched her as well. If you are so inclined feel free to come visit her. I think it helps get her mind off of what she is going through to have conversations with friends. Although she is physically frail right now she is strong mentally. She has a great attitude. She is even cracking jokes. We were talking about how strange it feels to be going through this. Then she said at least she was never really attached to her boobs. And now they really aren't attached to her. I think we laughed for five minutes over that one.

Life has new meaning now. It is more precious than it was before. We are both so much more grateful to have each other. I can't tell you how many times we have said I love you with tears in our eyes in the last couple of days. We had a moment alone yesterday and she let me brush her hair. I felt so much love for her at that moment. It was one of those intimate moments you just cannot put into words. More intimate than sex even. Because it comes from a different place than romance. It comes from a higher place. It is a love that comes through you rather than from you. It is God loving Kelley through me. I am just grateful to be the one that gets to experience it all.

Heather and Rachel have been so sweet. They have been so brave. Kelley looked better than they thought she would in the hospital. But I think tonight's scare frightened them. Although they knew this was a serious situation I think tonight it really sunk in for both of them. They really hate leaving her at all. I understand how they feel. You wish in these moments you could just push the pause button on life while you recover. But you can't. Life keeps moving with or without you. It is worth fighting for though. And so we fight. And will continue to fight.

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