Hurting people, hurt people

I've always known this saying...."Hurting people, hurt people." But there is no greater lesson than experiencing it for yourself. I don't think it is any secret to anyone that I have pretty much completely abandoned church and many of those who call themselves "Christians." Yes, I know some of you reading this right now are already constructing an email in your head to me telling me how Christians aren't perfect, just forgiven. And I've heard it all before that at church, there are "No perfect people allowed." I've heard all of the little sayings such as "They're only human."

If you are a follower/reader of my blog, you know my story. You know what I have been through and you know what I have endured right along with my children. I have not been blogging much lately, let me finally explain why. When my divorce was final, I lost my health insurance and for me to get Obamacare, it was going to cost me $600.00 per month. I have spent about $200.00 this entire year on doctor visits and medicine. Anyway, since I lost my insurance, there was no way I could stay on the medication I was taking after my attempted suicide. I had been diagnosed with severe situational depression and PTSD. It is my belief that chemotherapy caused this depression and as I have said repeatedly in this blog, I have never been the same after taking chemotherapy. I have had doctors and psychiatrists completely agree with me and tell me it is their belief that chemo causes this as well.

I was doing really good off all the meds. I was actually very happy and proud of myself. It is nearing two years since my husband walked out on us. I started feeling like it was finally time to start dealing with it all emotionally. Just as I started to work on it, I fell into a very deep, dark, scary place. Worse than the place I was at when I attempted to take my own life. Only those VERY close to me, which are very few, knew what was going on. I spent every minute of every day not wanting to live life and being very angry with God that he allowed me to live. Enduring 60 seconds of life was excruciating for me. If you have never struggled with this, you will not under any circumstances understand it.

Since he left, I have cried just a little, a handful of times, over the entire situation. At this time, I didn't realize I had sunk right back into severe depression again. I spent 5 entire days straight unable to stop crying and couldn't even keep it together in public.

When I was like this before, I did not tell a single soul and I never, ever cried. No one, and I mean NO ONE, knew how bad I was. No one knew I thought of death as my friend, the only thing that could possibly bring me relief.

I have always been very skeptical of anyone who tells people they want to kill themselves because I have always thought it was for attention. I now know first hand that that might not always be the case. This time, I knew I needed to reach out to someone. THANK GOD, I have one very faithful and true friend left. I haven't known her too long, only a few years if that. But I knew I had two options on this particular day. I could end my life or I could make a phone call. That day was the beginning of my downward spiral that led up to all the crying.

As I got worse, I had some very disturbing things happen to me by someone who has never been dearer to my heart than any other soul. I have been accused, slandered, belittled, humiliated, gossiped about, lied about, and there isn't enough space here for me to continue. And yes, this not only happened to me, but to another person as well. Both of us at the time were extremely depressed, seeing a life-coach and seeing a psychiatrist. When I got wind of the first bombshells, it was on a day I spent trying to talk myself out of jumping off a damn bridge. This also came on a day this other person was fighting suicidal thoughts. Had it not been for me and my newer friend being able to talk so frank and openly that day, I believe I for sure might not be here today and who knows what would have happened to her all due to someone else's ignorance.

So hurting people, hurt people? Words cut very deep. If you claim to be a Christian or anyone I guess for that matter and you are hurting people, please remember that you have literally NO idea what someone is going through. Something you do or say could send someone over the complete edge and all for what? I wish I knew the answer. My suggestion is that if you give a damn about anyone, pray for them in your OWN prayer closet. You know why there even IS a prayer closet? So you and GOD and you two only can hash things out. If you go to any other person and tell them something all so they can "pray" for the person, it is only pure gossip and is straight from the pit of hell. This behavior causes more and more people daily to end their relationship with church, church people and potentially their very own lives.

 This is a VERY SERIOUS matter!!!!

I don't let too many people get close to me and I'm guessing I never will after this experience. But the good news is, I am back on medication and although it was about three weeks of complete mental hell, I feel like I am back to my old self. I have a new friend who was very helpful to me during the darkest of those days. If you feel suicidal, please reach out to someone. I had a couple of friends, my sister, the lady I live with and my adopted sister that I reached out to for the first time about this issue. People suffer in silence. Why? Because so few understand or know what to do. But you know what? Every single time I got up enough courage to call one of these individuals it helped me get through another day. One friend and my sister were able to just listen as I told them I did not wish to live life. They listened as I bawled my eyes out like they had never witnessed me do before. They listened with love and without judgement. They prayed with me and for me. They didn't go share my issues with other people or in their weekly "Prayer meeting." To those people, YOU are the ones who give me hope that there are still genuinely good people in the world. Don't be alarmed, I have a very close relationship with God and I always will have. He will never abandon me, nor I him. He alone is the only constant and faithful friend until the end of time.

I know these people were very scared for me. Hell, I was terrified of myself. I felt like I was a danger to myself. But I know for a fact that if I had not had them to talk to, I probably wouldn't be writing this blog today.

I hate having to take medication. I hope it is not something I will have to do forever. But, it is a must for now. I cannot be ashamed of it. And, I think that there are too many people just like me out there that need for this to be talked about. I guess my biggest message to anyone out there today is that sometimes, suicidal people don't take their own lives....it's someone else's cruelty that actually pulls the trigger.

 DON'T BE THAT PERSON!!

A life should be honored and valued while the person is still living, not after they are gone. Some consequences for mistakes made are totally and completely permanent. Sometimes, there are NO take-backs.

Could it really be possible?

Hey Survivors!!!!

I haven't been blogging here in SO long. I do apologize. After having chemo and going through "Chemo Brain", I wondered if I would ever get back to my normal self. If you know me, you know I have a SERIOUS TYPE A personality!! I will never forget my chemo class. Where the nurse tried to reassure me that most people that can really notice chemo brain are those who are very detail oriented, pay attention to detail, are very organized and have a type A personality. At which point I started to freak out internally since she basically described my personality!!!!

When I had my first treatment, a dear friend of mine who is also a survivor warned me about it. And she doesn't even have my personality. I was driving to my doctor appointment when I realized I had taken the wrong highway. I turned around and felt good at that moment that I realized I was going the wrong way and turned around. But about 5 minutes into my drive, I realized I had no memory as to how to get to the doctors office. Which made me totally panic because I had driven there several times a week for many weeks at this point. I called Deryl and was crying my eyes out. Not many people know this side of my story. My survivor friends do but not my "regular" friends.

Cancer rips SO much from you. It is so funny how when it is all over people just think you are done. Life just moves on. Well, not so fast. It sucks. If you know someone who is a survivor you should seriously show them mercy. If you are a survivor, keep your head up...it gets much better. One of the things that drove me crazy about chemo brain is that I couldn't remember words. One day, I was at Chick-fil-A with the girls and they had a little container of Cheerios. I dumped the Cheerios out and asked them if they wanted some of my Cheetos. They started laughing and what was funny was that I knew when I said it that something was wrong. As soon as they said the word Cheerios I just couldn't believe it!

Here it is 19 months after my last treatment. Literally, about two weeks ago I felt a FLOOD of memories come into my mind. It was truly the wildest thing EVER!! I would wake up thinking of things I had forgotten or needed to do. Every day it would increase. I was like my old self. EVERY single thing I needed to do was coming to my mind!! It was incredible. I mean I PHYSICALLY felt it in my brain. SO WEIRD!!!! I could obviously tell it was SO VERY different. With each day I remembered more and am still remembering more to this day. It is AWESOME!!!! TOTALLY AWESOME!!!! I have so much hope and feel SO darn secure!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

It is like ME is back. I guess deep down I thought I was gone forever. I KNOW I am an awesome administrative assistant. But I didn't feel on top of my game for so long. But now that I am actually feeling like my old self I feel like I totally ROCK!!!! What an amazing feeling. Before chemo I knew what I was capable of. I was so solid, so confident. But cancer and chemo stole that from me. Now, I am getting back to ME!!!!

So ladies, hold on to your faith. Hold on to HOPE. It DOES get better!!!! I'm living proof. It may take you down but it can't keep you down!!!! Things will turn around. I promise you.

Please don't forget that you can contact me anytime you want. Even if I don't know you and we have never even met!! I love helping survivors in any way I can. We have to stay united!! Breast cancer bonds women together like nothing I have ever seen before.

You can reach me at kelley@feelthetatas.com

Kelley

Counts & Prayer

Kelley says..............


Well, this week I have felt really, really good and have gotten a lot of work done. The taste in my mouth is SO much better now. BUT, I have my next chemo on Friday, August 13th. Yep, Friday the 13th. Good thing I'm not superstitious. Also, my counts are usually down 7 days after treatment and then they start to go up. But the last time they went down two weeks in a row. 


So my prayer request is that my counts are back up on Friday and that I don't have to get a shot to bring them up. The shot is outrageous in cost and I hear it causes a lot of bone pain. I will only have one treatment left after this one, I don't want to get it since I've been fine up until now. Also, PLEASE pray for me that it will only take once to draw blood and to get the IV in!!!! Last week the lady did an awesome job drawing blood. 


Tomorrow I am supposed to get more saline added!! Yeah!! I must admit that it is going to be pretty stinkin' awkward to have bigger boobs every three weeks. But I guess it is just part of this journey. I think it will be just as weird when I go from wearing my scarves to having my hair back. Oh yeah, one more thing, I am supposed to go with another survivor Saturday to a Survivor's luncheon that I am really excited about. Please pray that I am feeling good enough to go!!


Thanks so much for all your prayers!!!!!


Kelley

Taste

Kelley says............


Well, when everyone told me who had been through chemo before that I would have to make myself eat I just assumed they meant because I would be feeling too nauseated to eat. So, when I had my first treatment I was hardly nauseous at all and didn't have a hard time eating at all. I had cravings like I was pregnant and everything I craved was junk food. The bad taste in my mouth was bad but not too bad. As a matter of fact, if I ate something it actually gave me some relief from the bad taste.


This second round has been much different. From the very first day of my second treatment the taste in my mouth has been horrible!! Words can't even describe it. I have been a lot more queasy this time and having to take a lot of nausea medicine. The only thing I can eat that tastes normal is Peanut Butter Captain Crunch, Ice Cream and Biscuits and Gravy. All of which I absolutely love but I am feeling so unhealthy and gaining so much weight!! And the bad taste is always there. Not one thing I drink tastes good and I have tried everything! So yeah, the bad taste is just so yuck. I keep trying to remember that I am half-way done with all of this but it still seems so far away. I can't imagine having this awful taste in my mouth all the way until September!!


So my prayer requests are that this bad taste would go away and that I will NEVER again have to be stuck more than one time for blood or an IV EVER, EVER, EVER!!!!!!!

I Think Bald is Beautiful!

Deryl says......Kelley had her second round of chemo on Friday. It was a little rough because they had to stick her more than once to draw her blood and to put her IV in. To top it off I had to leave for work before she was done with chemo which stressed me out some. But it all wound up being okay. Kelley got tired more quickly this time and is having more hot flashes than before but other than that it has been good.
As you know Kelley shaved her hair off before it had a chance to fall out. Well it started falling out more this past week and and left her head kind of splotchy with bald spots. You could just pull the hair at any spot on her head and it just came right out. So Kelley has been trying to pull it out for a few days. Then she asked me to help her pull it out. The problem is her hair is so short it is hard to grab much. So we had to try tweezers. It worked well but it would take days to get it all out using that method. We didn't want to use a regular razor for fear of cuts and infections. So we decided to see what an electric razor would do. I shaved it as close as possible with the electric razor. It took a little while and Kelley said "can you believe we are doing this?". She said "before I didn't want my hair to come out and now I wish it would just all come out." As I am shaving and thinking about how strange it is to be doing this. I whisper into Kelley's ear "is it weird that this is turning me on?". Of course she laughed but she really is hot bald. And I really did enjoy feeling how smooth her skin was after it was shaved. I am watching her now as I blog and she is just rubbing her head. Which is what I plan to do as soon as I am done writing this.
It is strange how the things you can be so afraid of can turn into some of the most intimate moments of your life. I mean for her to trust me enough to allow me to do that. And the fact that I really felt closer to her at that moment is amazing. And that is where true excitement comes from in a relationship. Sex is an important part of a marriage but without these intimate and loving moments away from the bedroom it is just a physical act. But it can be so much more than that if you will cultivate and notice these moments when they happen. You can create opportunities for intimacy with dates and such but the most intimate of moments are unplanned and cannot be planned. Because when your love for one another just bursts forth spontaneously it leaves no doubt that it came straight from your heart.

2 Down, 2 To Go

Kelley says...........


Well, unfortunately I ended up being there yesterday from 8:45 until after 2:00. The lady who was so awesome at drawing my blood transferred to a different facility and it took the new lady two times to get blood. Then the girl who does my IV who I just think is so awesome took two times to get the IV in!! But after not getting blood the first time I started getting nervous which made my veins disappear even worse which made it harder to get the IV in. So that took a while.


Deryl couldn't stay the whole time because he had a meeting to go to. I could tell he was stressing with all that was going on with the blood draw and the IV and I know he hated leaving me. But I had my awesome breast cancer friend there with me and everyone always thinks we are sisters, cracks me up. She told me I should take a nap and I was like I don't even know how people sleep in this place. Machines beeping all the time, people talking, the television is on, I can't sleep. Not two minutes later I was totally out of it slobber running down my mouth and snoring!!!! Can you say embarrassing! Oh well, it was great to take a nap. 


While I was there I handed out some cards I had made up to advertise my blog. (If you want any, just let me know!) I got to meet the lady who is over all volunteers through the American Cancer Society as well as the lady who oversees the Reach to Recovery program. While I was getting chemo they were all already reading my blog and told me how much they want me to do some things there! I was so excited. They were all telling me how private people are when it comes to being diagnosed, especially with breast cancer. I have found the same thing to be true. It is funny because I had been praying for two days for God to really confirm some things to me. I want nothing more than his will for my life to be accomplished through this and I don't want to miss a thing. The very day I started praying this I booked my first speaking engagement. Within 2 days I had booked another one and landed another one as a volunteer speaker yesterday!! I can't begin to tell you how excited I am. Other women are starting to contact me on my blog and I am able to help them. So much passion rises up within me just typing this out. 


I don't think I have been more passionate about anything in my entire life, EVER. I have realized that God has been preparing me all these years to do what I am doing right now. Not only to fight for my life and become a survivor but to help save others lives. And not just physically. But to save them spiritually and to help them get a new perspective, to find themselves and much, much more.


Just one more thing, uhhhh, hot flashes are a real bummer!!!!  :-)

2nd Round Tomorrow

Kelley says...........


Just wanting to let you all know my 2nd treatment is tomorrow. Please pray for a perfect blood draw and a perfect IV experience. Also, the steroids make me so cranky and continually hungry. I am gaining weight and DON'T like this! So, please remember me in your prayers. Oh yeah, and that my white blood cell counts don't crash this time!!!!

I had really bad stomach aches, headaches, problems with my asthma and a bad rash the first round. Believe with me that this won't be an issue this time. The oncologist is going to lower my dose some to see if that helps.
 

Thank you so much for your continued prayers.


Love,


Kelley

Checking In

Kelley says...............


Well, I haven't blogged in a few days so I thought I should at least check in and let everyone know how I have been doing this week. Chemo was on Friday. I didn't feel too bad Friday and Saturday, just really tired. Sunday night rolled around and I felt horrible. Just kind of like I was coming down with a major bug or the flu. Monday, just tired. Tuesday I went to work and as the morning progressed I could feel myself getting more tired and more weak and like I had a fever. I came home and sure enough, I had a fever of 99.5 and couldn't get it to come down until later in the evening. Also on Sunday, I noticed I had broken out in a rash all over my chest, back and neck. It didn't itch or anything. I took Benedryl and it is better today. I've had stomach aches and a few headaches but really overall it hasn't been too bad. I think God is protecting me while the chemo is doing its job. And I know you guys are such awesome prayer warriors. Boy, God sure does hear your prayers! 


That just made me think to myself that you should believe that God will answer your prayers about your own situation as much as you are believing he will answer your prayers that you pray for me and my family. Hmmmm, that is a thought! It is always easier I guess to believe that God will come through for someone you love and care about. But I think he is wanting us all to see that there is real power in our prayers. We MUST lift each other up!! And thank you so much to everyone who shared a prayer request with me. That made me feel so good and I am so honored to be able to lift up your name in prayer!!


I will have hair for approximately 48 more hours. So far, I'm doing okay over it. Of course that is easy to say right now since I HAVE hair! Once I decided to make that night fun, I have had a sense of calm about it. I think it is all about not living in resistance. When I just settle in with what is happening and just realize that it just is what it is, it is easier. Besides, resisting or pretending it isn't going on won't help me any!! 


Love you guys!

I Love You

Deryl says........So now we are well into this chemo treatment. Kelley has handled everything pretty well so far. They said she would feel the worst about days 2 to 4 after chemo. And that has been true for her. Although she has not thrown up, she has had slight nausea. And she has had moments where she felt tired or just plain crappy. Food is starting to taste funny too. But by far the biggest concern is keeping everything disinfected in the house so she doesn't catch anything. Since chemo kills cancer and white blood cells her defenses against infections are lowered. She has had a fever a couple of times which has been a little concerning but so far she has fought them all off. It is funny how you don't think of all the places you can get infections until a doctor starts to tell you all of the things that you should avoid like any buffet or salad bar, pushing a grocery cart, a kitchen sponge, or any crowded place like church or a concert. You begin to realize how important your immune system really is and how much it fights off on a daily basis.
During this whole experience I have tried to be as honest as I can about the experience. Sharing most of my thoughts and feelings whether good or bad. Going through this experience with my family has brought out the best in me and the worst in me at times. I am grateful for all of it and hope I have the wisdom to learn from this whole experience. If you are going to suffer you might as well squeeze all of the benefits out of it that you can.
I do feel as if I am much better at focusing on what is important in life. I certainly don't do that all of the time. I still snap at my kids sometimes. I snapped at Kelley not too long ago and made her cry. I felt like a real good husband in that moment....not! But fortunately those types of moments are getting fewer and farther apart. I do feel more peace and more centered than ever before in my life. I will get nervous when Kelley gets a fever or develops a rash but I don't spend much time worrying or obsessing about things. From the outside life has not gotten better. As a matter of fact it would appear worse to anyone looking from the outside. So it seems strange even to me that I have more peace than ever. That peace comes from knowing I am loved by God more than I could ever communicate. It is this knowing that gives me peace that whatever happens is ultimately for the highest good for me, my family, and friends that are going through this with us.
It is a unique experience to feel loved by something unseen and intangible. I am not really sure how I even got to this place. I think I have some ideas but somehow I get the sense that it has been beyond my ability to ever get here of my own accord. It is a place of gratitude and confidence. A place where I feel as if I could handle anything the world wants to give. I hope I can transmit it to Kelley, my girls, and all of you. It would be nice to be able to stay in that place all of the time. Perhaps I will someday. Perhaps we all will. God willing. I love you all.

Gratitude

Deryl says........Kelley had her first chemo treatment today. She has been handling it pretty well so far. She has had a little nausea and has felt a little drained energy-wise. But so far so good. Of course it has been less than 8 hours since she finished but we can be grateful for the happenings of today. Last week when we went to chemo class I left there kind of scared and a little angry. I found myself in kind of a foul mood for a couple of days. Then had a good weekend but Monday I was feeling kind of pissy again. I just let myself feel it for awhile and got it out of my system. I finally came to a place of acceptance. I felt prepared for what is coming ever since. I had a great rest of the week. Kelley and I had a wonderful day yesterday and we both felt peace. Then this morning came and Kelley was getting a little tense. I could feel some tension within as well but it was very little and did not last very long.
In some ways this process has been very good for us. Kelley and I were discussing how we both feel as if our hearts have opened wider. We both feel more loving and accepting of others and even loving and accepting of this situation. For me the biggest change has come in the area of emotions. I have been able to allow myself to feel whatever it is that I feel in any given moment and express it. And most of the time I feel I express my emotions in a healthy way. I may snap at my kids a little too much and sulk a little too long. But I allow myself to feel and that has opened my heart. I know it sounds kind of sappy and almost feminine. And not too long ago I would have been embarrassed to write this for all to see or even to cry or voice my fears in front of my family. But the more I feel the freer I feel inside. And I see the same thing happening in Kelley.
Kelley has taken a situation that could have hardened her towards life and she has let it soften her. She tells her friends that she loves them and really means it. She could not have done that last year. I admire her bravery so much. She doesn't see it as bravery but it is. I mean who shaves their head before their hair falls out. And not just that but instead of just shaving her hair, she turns it into to hair fashion night where she will get to try on several different haircuts before she goes bald. I mean that is brilliant!
I know we have a tough road ahead of us yet I am grateful. I am grateful for all of the wonderful friends that visited us today. The friends who have done things like clean our house, mow our lawn, and cook meals for us. That is God pouring out His magnificent love on us through other people. How can I not be grateful with incredible, unending love like that. I hope I never forget.

My EVER evolving hair

Kelley says.................


Well, tomorrow I start chemo. I can't believe how fast time has gone by this week. All week I have been thinking about the Friday after next when I will have my head shaved. I have to admit, just thinking about it and imagining how that night will be is just stinking depressing!! Years ago, I was a hairdresser. I also did nails for many years and I still do my own. For as long as I can remember I have always gotten compliments on my hair. It hasn't mattered if it was super long, super short, red, blonde, curly, Texas "BIG", or whatever, people have always loved my hair and so have I. As women we don't usually think about our good qualities, we think instead about all of our shortcomings. You know like, I wish I was skinny like so and so or I wish I had bigger boobs or I wish my stomach didn't pooch out, I have big thighs, why can't I lose weight, I wish I was taller.....the list could go on forever. 

So as I pondered getting my head shaved and imagining a bunch of tears I just started thinking to myself, how can I make this fun? I mean, you just don't get this "opportunity" every day. How can I make the best out of this situation? Well, I have always loved Ellen's hair as well as Sharon Stone's. I always thought to myself that when I am older and finally do cut my hair I will get that haircut. 

My hairdresser is totally awesome and she loves my hair too! I can pretty much wear whatever haircut I want. When my hair is just starting to grow out after chemo she had the idea of starting with a Jamie Lee Curtis look until I have enough for the Ellen/Sharon look. SO, I thought why don't I have her take a before picture and then cut it into the Ellen cut and then take a picture. Then, she can cut it in the Jamie Lee Curtis cut and take a picture. Then she can do something really fun and take a picture and THEN shave it! I'm just going to make a night of it. I am sure there will be tears, no doubt. But this way there will be lots of laughter too. AND, I will feel like I get to "try on" the other cuts! Not many people get the chance to do something like this so I feel so lucky!!!! 


I'll be posting pics of the transformation next weekend.


Kelley

Fear and Love

Deryl says........We went "chemo class" the other day. Which was informative and scary. As I have mentioned before, the thing about cancer is that the treatment is just as scary as the disease itself. So for those of you who don't understand how chemo works I will give you a brief and unscientific explanation. In essence they give you poison that kills the cancer cells in your body. It also kills a lot of the good cells in your body. The goal of chemo is to give you enough poison to kill the cancer but not enough to kill you or cause permanent damage. So we are really looking forward to that.
They also told us that Kelley's immune system would be severely depressed. So much so that we must keep everything in the house disinfected constantly, that Kelley should not touch things that are handled by many people such as a grocery cart, and if she gets a fever of 100.5 or more she needs to go to the emergency room immediately. If she has a fever of any kind we must call the doctor immediately as well. Good times.
To complete the trifecta of fun Kelley was informed that she would lose all of her hair somewhere between day 2 and day 20. We were already aware that she was going to lose her hair but hearing it so "matter of factually" from that nurse suddenly kind of struck the nail all the way in, so to speak. I don't care if Kelley is bald forever. I am not in love with her hair. But I do know that it is going to affect her emotionally. How could it not? I thought about what it would be like to lose all of my hair and the thought of it made me very uncomfortable. And I am a guy! We lose our hair all the time with no medical assistance whatsoever. But when a woman loses her hair it is like losing a part of her femininity. I think even more so than her breasts. And even though it will come back it is traumatic. This is what Kelley feared the most when we received this diagnosis. It pains me to see her in anguish over this and the many other concerns she has about this situation. But I have also witnessed her grow and let go of things that she never would have been able to let go of in the past. Just in the last few days her faith has grown. She has really embraced this "believing before seeing" concept she wrote about earlier.
So my biggest fear in all this is Kelley getting some type of infection while undergoing chemo and her emotional reaction to losing her hair. So I could use your prayers in that area. I am not much of a worrier so if I am worrying it is usually very serious.
During this time I have spent a lot of time contemplating love and specifically God's love. You could sit around and say why me in a situation like this or you can just trust in the love of God. Jesus said you can sum up the entire bible in the following statement - love God, love your neighbor, love yourself. Seems pretty simple in theory but in practice we make it difficult. I mean how do you love God? How do you demonstrate it? Well, I can try to communicate with Him through prayer, meditation, and contemplation. How is there love without communication right? Jesus said "if you love me you will obey my commands". But I don't see that as following all the commands of the bible. Many people try to do that without any real love in their heart. They do it out of fear. I think Jesus was really talking about when you hear him within. When he is trying to guide you through life. That little voice or tug in a certain direction that you can listen to or ignore it like I did with the vegetarian thing.

Another thing that came to me while I was contemplating this was that we could love God by simply choosing to see things different than we do now. My pastor was telling the story of Adam and Eve last Sunday. He said something that really stuck with me. What he said was that when God placed Adam and Eve in the Garden of Eden he said they could have everything in the Garden except this one thing. They could eat the fruit of every tree except one. It doesn't say how many trees they could choose to eat from but I imagine it was hundreds or even thousands. But someone pointed out this one thing that they could not have and all of a sudden that was all they could see. In that moment they could no longer see everything that was available to them. All of the abundance and good things God had given them was lost in their eyes. They saw the one thing they didn't have and said that thing will make my life better if only I could have it. Well you probably know the rest of the story. But what really stood out to me from that story was how that seems to be the source of the problem of most people. We get focused on how life will be so much better when we get this or that. My life will be better if I had more money, better health, a wife, a husband, a baby, etc. And we totally lose site of everything we have available to us now. Our family, our friends, our job, our life, our breath. If you are able to read this blog right now you can be grateful for a computer, internet access, your sight, not having cancer. There is so much to be thankful for in this moment right now.
If we can begin to see that God has provided every good thing in our life it will increase the love in our hearts. When we receive the money we need and instead of just seeing the money see the one who gave it to us and be thankful. Then our hearts will be full. We will begin to see more of the blessings in our lives. And the things that we lack and think we need will become less important.
Yes my wife has cancer. And yes I would prefer that she didn't. But I have my wife right now. And I don't know if that will always be the case. I am grateful to have found someone that I love so much and that loves me just as much. I have someone that treats me with love and respect and loves me in spite of my many flaws. And I have her right now. I could lose her tomorrow or 50 years from now but fretting about it today only diminishes the gratitude and love I could be feeling and sharing. We don't worry and love at the same time. We cannot feel fear and gratitude in the same moment. So at this moment I am choosing to see the good and thank God for it. That is one way I can love God. I hope this doesn't come across as preachy as I am writing this to myself more than anything else. But if it helps anyone else then that is a bonus.
I don't know if I would be spending all of this time thinking about God and His love if I was not in this situation. But it is changing me for the better.

So far, so good

Kelley says..............


Well, I haven't had a breakdown yet. I wondered how today would go for me emotionally. I went back to work on Tuesday and that was really, really good. This week has been my best week yet. I have felt good emotionally for the most part and really good physically. 

If you have been keeping up with me on my blog then you know I have become a health nut. I haven't had any meat in a while and no sugar at all. Mainly just fruits and vegetables and fresh vegetable & fruit juice. One thing I have craved is steak. Since I have done so darn good with my eating and I am probably not going to feel so hot July - Sept I decided to let myself have a treat today. 


I went this morning and the greatest hairdresser in the world (Love you Trish!) cut my hair for me in preparation for Chemo. After that, we went to lunch with Deryl's mom. She treated us to lunch and I had a great steak!! Yum.....steak never tasted so good. Now we are home and are going to go to Cold Stone Creamery in a little bit for one last treat. Although I think I am going to allow myself to have whatever tastes good while I am in treatment. 


My prayer requests are that I will have little to no side effects with the Chemo and that it will do its job. Several of the side effects are things I already deal with so I want you to believe with me that God will supernaturally protect me from all of the awful things that "could" happen.


Love, 


Kelley

Being in control

Kelley says............


Well, according to my calculations I will be completely bald in about 30 days. I have been wondering how traumatic this will be for me. In this whole journey so far, cancer has dictated my life so much. Even doctor's tell you when your appointments are, they don't ask when it is convenient for you. I usually have 2-3 appointment each and every week. I feel so out of control of my life. 

So when I was thinking about all of this, I had the thought that you know, I think I am going to be in control of exactly when my hair goes. I don't want to sit around and wait for it to come out and have to see it fall out in big clumps. That is just too much to handle for someone with all this hair! So, I have chosen to go tomorrow and get my hair cut into a cute short cut. Then after my first treatment, when I decide, my long time hairdresser is going to come over and shave it for me in the comfort of my own home. 


I think this will be a much easier transition for me. I'll have short hair and will have a few weeks to get used to that before it is all gone. I know some people don't lose their hair during chemo but the chemo used for breast cancer causes complete hair loss. I went to the doctor yesterday and they gave me a coupon for a free scarf at this store located inside Baylor All Saints where I had my surgery. Heather went with me. Turns out that someone had just donated a ton of scarves and stuff just the day before. I was supposed to only get one scarf for free. And all the cute ones cost so much that I had went in thinking I would buy one that I like and get the free one as well. I know God's favor must have been upon me because they let me have FOUR for free and I purchased one. So, I got 5 that I really like for $28.00!! I never thought I would be so excited about getting such a great deal on something. But that was really a blessing. 


I'll post a picture of my new hair over the weekend. Also, I did a video blog that is titled "My Story" at the top of the home page of my blog. I would love for you to share it with everyone you know to help me promote the importance of self-breast examinations. And I thank you tons in advance for helping me try to save the lives of other women. If it makes it easier, you can just send this link. http://feelthetatas.blogspot.com/p/my-story.html

Chemo Bah Humbug! :(

Deryl says.....Well most of you know now that Kelley is going to have chemo. I intended to write a post on Tuesday but was just too tired. I was in a very bad mood as well. My last post was so positive and I was feeling really good but this was just a punch in the gut. I really thought we were going to be able to skip this part. And it really pissed me off that we are not. But it was probably a good thing that I did not post that day because it probably would have been very dark and whiny. Because that is exactly how I felt that day.
But I am feeling much better today. And although I am not happy about the fact that Kelley is going to have to suffer more than she already has I have accepted it now and am moving on to action. Thinking about what can I do to make things easier for her. Chemo starts on July 2nd and continues for 12 weeks. She will definitely lose her hair which was her biggest concern about all of this. So my biggest concern is how to make this easier for her emotionally. I will post again this weekend.

Oncology Appointment

Kelley says............


Well, the appointment was yesterday. Turns out that the cells in the tumor were dividing at a rate that was alarming to the medical oncologist. As well as another result showed that there was statistically a 13% chance of the cancer returning in the bones or some other organ within the next 5 - 10 years. If I do not have any treatment at all and it comes back, there will be nothing they can do for me but try to prolong my life the best they can. If I get this done now, it could kill off anything that might be lingering in my body that they can't see right now. 


I don't want to do this. But I don't want to not do it either. That is kind of how it has been so far on this journey. All the choices I have to make in this ordeal suck, totally. I mean, in reality I could do everything possible to try to prevent it from coming back and it could still return. But at least if that does happen I will be able to say that I have done absolutely everything in my power to make it not come back.


This whole process will start on July 2nd. I will go every three weeks for a round of Chemo 4 times. I should be done in September. They say that I will for sure lose my hair in about 17 days after my first treatment. As most of you know, I think that is my greatest physical asset and this will be very hard for me. I never really had a hard time at all with the fact I was going to lose my breasts. But having no hair you can't really hide. I know I could wear a wig but I don't think I want to do that. It is way too hot in Texas for a wig and I know it will be itchy and pricey. I think this is going to be really hard on my family because now I won't just be sick, I will look sick too. 


But at least I will hopefully be completely cancer free and it is only 3 months of my life. In the grand scheme of things, that doesn't seem like that long to be free of this forever. I am still not totally healed from the surgery. I am really praying that God would touch my body and heal these areas. It is really frustrating. 


I get really bummed writing a post like this. It is just all the facts and seems like a downer. But ya know, that is kind of my life right now. I hate it. I wish it didn't have to be like this. But it is. Right now, even though it may not sound like it while you are reading this, I am in a good place emotionally. Honestly, I still just cannot believe this is happening. I'm sure it will creep up on me and I'll have another melt down before my first treatment but I am confident that I will pull myself out of it like I have in the past and I'll be just fine. 


My prayer request is that God would heal these sores from surgery completely and that I would have minimal side effects from the treatment. That God would handpick every single person I come into contact with during this whole entire ordeal. And that God would wrap his arms around my loved ones during this time.


Kelley

Prayer Request

Kelley says................


Well, on Monday I got the drain tubes out and they told me there was a possibility that fluid would still build up and they would have to drain it out with a needle. Last night, I realized that is exactly what is happening. PLEASE pray that my lymphatic system would naturally drain this fluid the way it is supposed to and that this will be no big deal. I have an appointment tomorrow at 3:00 and I just really hope to go in and be tons better with NO problems.


This just really makes me upset. I am still not completely healed up on either side and now this. I will not be able to move forward with my reconstruction until I am healed. I know God is my healer, so I need him to heal me!!!!


Also, my appointment with the medical oncologist is on Friday afternoon. The final test result will be in that shows how likely it is cancer will recur in the next 10 years. Pretty amazing that they even have this test now. I'm praying the numbers are really low but ultimately, I want God's will to be done. It is amazing how many people want me TO have chemo. Then there are others who say whatever you do, DON'T have chemo. None of these being in the medical field. I realize that there is only one person walking in my shoes right now and that is me. Which is frightening because I would love for someone else to walk in them just for a moment and then offer me advice and try to make my decisions for me.


Only I will know how God is leading ME. Only I will know where I feel the most peace. At this point, if they recommend Chemo I will do it because of fear that the cancer will return. If I decide to NOT get Chemo, it will be out of fear of the treatment itself. It seems like every decision in this process sucks big time. Really, there isn't a decision that doesn't completely suck, it is just deciding which one sucks less and which one gives me the most peace. I mean seriously, don't get any treatment and keep my fingers crossed that my cancer never rears its ugly head again or allow someone to put poison in my body and lose my most favorite asset, my hair? No one should have to make these kind of decisions in their lives. My heart truly, truly goes out to ANYONE who has to make life changing, life altering choices. This is one of the aspects of life I will never understand as long as I live. 


Thank you for your prayers for my complete healing, no more complications whatsoever and that I will be guided by God and not "people".

Kelley

It's a Party Party Weekend!

Deryl says......We got good news today. The cancer is stage 1 and grade 1 which is the best we could hope for. They are going to run another test before they determine if Kelley will need chemo or not. I was a nervous wreck in the hours prior to our appointment. As soon as we got the news it was like a ton of bricks fell off of my shoulders. She also got two of the drain tubes removed which will improve her comfort level immensely.

I never really thought I was concerned about Kelley living or dying until we got the good news today and I realized it must have been weighing on me. Because I feel elated. It is such a relief. We are by no means through this yet but this news gives us such wonderful hope.

On a funny note, Kelley has been unable to shave under her arms since the surgery. The other day she noticed how they looked and totally freaked. She thought it was totally gross. I told her she looked European but she wasn't buying it. We forgot to ask during the appointment so we had to call and leave a message. We were driving back home when we got the call and she was told that she could in fact shave under her arms now. She hung up the phone and with the biggest grin looked at me and said "you can have sex with me now". Well I could have wrecked the car we laughed so much. Of course that would be a miracle right now but it was fun to think about! Much love!

Finally, some good news!!

Well, Monday totally sucked for me. I had one of the most emotional days of the past three weeks. You can't begin to imagine (or maybe you can) the questions that are in my mind and the decisions that I have to make. Maybe I will blog on that some day soon. Anyway, I just couldn't take it anymore and just felt like I was completely falling apart. I just thought to myself "I don't want to do this!!", "I don't want to go through this!!". I think I cried every last tear drop I had within me to cry.

Today I went to work and wasn't near as sad as yesterday. I came home for lunch and my cell phone rang and the caller ID said "Restricted". I knew that was my doctors office. One of the tests, HER2,  that we have been waiting for that kept getting sent off for further testing and we desperately were wanting to come back negative, came back NEGATIVE!!!!! YEAH!!!! This was the one that would tell if I was for sure going to have to go through Chemotherapy. So most likely, I will not have to go through that! Wow, what a HUGE relief. One thing that I have always had is awesome hair. I was really stressing over it and SO thankful to get this test result with the results I was hoping for!

So your prayers are working!!!! Please keep praying for God's will in my life!!!!