The attempt before the attempt...Part One

I had just had a chemotherapy treatment. I was tired, I was bald, I was sick of cancer and all that it brought. I wanted to just get out of the house and my husband wanted to go look around at the store so that was perfect. We were walking around and he wants to go look at underwear. Mind you, he had been wearing the same kind of underwear for close to 20 years. He starts looking at these different kinds and my immediate question was why are you looking at those? His response was..."Oh, just thought I'd try something different".

Something in my heart sank. But only briefly because I guess I was in complete denial. I was fighting for my life, having treatments, getting blood drawn every week, surgeries, etc. That was my total focus. When more and more things that just didn't add up started happening, there was just no more denying it.

I finished all my treatments.

Not long after, I felt so strongly in my spirit that something was terribly, terribly wrong.

I questioned him on some of his behavior and he became completely mute. We had a church staff party to go to that day and we did indeed go and he did not speak to me one single time. This was not the kind of marriage we had. This was something that had never, ever before happened. Complete silence. No talking whatsoever, absolutely NO communication AT ALL.

The next morning he told me it was just really frustrating that I was starting to accuse him of things and he proceeded to tell me that it must be because of the chemotherapy and that not having my breasts anymore must make me insecure so I in turn don't trust him. Well, it made perfect sense at the time.

I proceeded to cry and ask for his forgiveness. I went immediately to my computer to write a blog post. I poured out my heart and told the story and how awful I felt for accusing him and even told what had happened the day before and totally praised him for the awesome incredible care taker he appeared to be. I then showed him the blog and asked him to read it before I posted it and he did and said it was really good.

Day after day it became more and more apparent that there was definitely some infidelity going on. I got up in the middle of the night, got his phone and started looking and searching. Because it was a Blackberry, I had no idea how to use it. When I couldn't find anything or really figure it out, I put it back and went back in the living room. I sat on the couch with my elbows on my knees and my face in my hands. I cried out to God and just said why are you letting me discern that something is so wrong but yet not leading me to what it is? At that very moment, I realized that I had looked through all of his e-mails and deleted e-mails but never looked in his trash folder. I went to that folder and my life was completely altered forever.

I had just opened Pandora's box.

I can't explain it though I have tried many, many times. I sat there with stubble on my head from my hair starting to come back in, with scarred up breasts, no nipples, 30 pounds over weight from all the steroids I had been on and shock is the only word I can think of although completely traumatized is probably a better description. I can honestly say that I literally felt something happen in my body. Something, although I do not know for sure what, happened within me that night. I was changed. I was later told that it was PTSD.

I hired a private investigator and was on a mission now to find out what all was going on and more importantly, for how long. I had asked a friend (well, I thought they were a friend) to talk to him about all of this. I told this person that I did not know how I was going to get through this. I was just numb, dumbfounded, totally shocked. That night, he did in fact talk to him. Now keep in mind that from the moment I looked in that trash folder, my knight in shining armor husband turned into someone I had NEVER before seen. I did not know this person. I did not like this person. This person was angry, hostile, mean, cruel, appeared to have not one single ounce of remorse, not one ounce of love for me, he basically did not give a shit about anyone but himself.

Did I mention that I was in complete shock!?!? He came home after having this discussion with my "friend" and didn't say a word. I asked him if he was going to tell me about the conversation and he didn't say one damn word...not one. He just got in bed, turned out the light and went to sleep. I was FURIOUS!!

Since all the suspicion started, I had not been sleeping at all. I already had terrible insomnia and had probably at this point only had about 10 hours sleep in a seven day period. Days before, I had taken an Ambien that didn't work, then another, then another and still could not sleep at all. So, I went in my bathroom, got my make-up bag, scooped any and all medication off the bathroom counter and dropped it in my bag. I grabbed my keys and left my purse and everything else there at the house. I took off and went to my job which happened to be in a large home. I knew I would be alone. I grabbed all the medicine because I was in such a hurry and so mad that I didn't want to have to look through to find the ones I wanted so I just grabbed them all.

I got in my car and I was shaking I was so mad. I immediately thought to myself, I am going to go to work, back my car in the garage so no one knows I'm here, keep my car running, barely crack the windows and be done with this life. And that is what I did. After a minute or so I suddenly became very afraid. I thought to myself what in the hell are you thinking!! You can't leave these kids with this monster that he has become. You can't leave them without their mom like you have endured. I shut off the car and went inside. I couldn't even cry. I wanted to, but I just couldn't. I went and looked in the mirror and just looked at myself and wondered what in the world is happening to me. My life had just been tragedy after tragedy after tragedy and now this? I started talking sense to myself and I realized that I was thinking crazy because I had not had any sleep. I prayed and prayed and sought The Lord. I was so glad he caused me to realize that this was because I was completely exhausted. I just needed sleep.

Since I had taken three Ambien to no avail, I took a Xanax and I think it was 5 Ambien and some Benedryl, I think. I know you probably think that is insane but I went days with absolutely no sleep. I was in a state that I just couldn't and even still can't describe. All I knew was that I just wanted to go to sleep and wake up with a clear head and try to face the new day in the morning. I anticipated that I would wake up very early and go back home and no one would even realize I had been gone.

I crawled under a desk. I know it sounds odd, even crazy, but I curled up in a ball like a child. That was how I felt. I didn't have a mother or a father that I could call. But I could call on God. I asked for forgiveness for even thinking such crazy thoughts and literally begged God to please let me sleep. What happened next is really unknown by anyone.

I think this blog is long enough and it is making me very sad remembering the events that followed. So stay tuned for the rest of the story...

Girl please, you know your name is Jezebel!!

I may not be a lot of things but one thing I know for sure is that I am very self-aware. I enjoy reflecting on where I'm at and trying to seek The Lord on how I can be better in that area.

I was doing some of that reflecting earlier this week. A guy at work had been gone for a few days and the second me and co-worker saw him walk in, we didn't even say hello, we just started telling him what we needed. His response was, "Wow, so I don't even get an I miss you or anything? Y'all just want me to do stuff?"

Immediately at that very moment I realized that that was exactly what I did to my husband quite frequently. I'd go as far to say maybe over 70% of the time. 

Now that I am single, there are guys everywhere that are so flirty. And which ones are the worst offenders? All the married guys. I'm always interested in knowing why they do this. I know it's what my husband did and I know it's rampant in the workplace.

When posed this question, the answer is always the same. They say because they can just have a normal conversation and not have to talk about work and bills and stressful stuff AND that they feel like you care and are genuinely interested in what they are saying. 

That got me to thinking. And ya know, I could rip a guy to shreds over that kind of response. But you know what? Instead, I took it to heart. So if you are married, acknowledge your husband. Listen to what they say with your full attention, let them unwind and chill out for a little bit when they get home. 

Learn from my own mistakes, take it upon YOURSELF to step up and do the right thing without waiting for them to...just be the bigger person.

Don't be a hard headed beotch and wait until its too late to fix it. Don't let that ever controlling, manipulating, scheming, "Jezebel" side of you win!! Don't pay ALL your attention to everything their doing wrong, which could be a whole laundry list, but focus on YOUR part and do what YOU can do. Then, let God take care of the rest!!

When standards hurt

Anyone who knows me knows that I have a type A personality, I'm rough around the edges, I'm frank, I'm a perfectionist.....I think you get the picture.

But I'm also extremely self-aware and always looking on how I can improve. I have always set very high standards for myself. It is as if I reach them, they aren't high enough so I'll keep raising the bar for myself.

I haven't seen this as a negative thing but rather a challenge for myself. It's a way to strive for excellence in all areas I'm able to do so.

However, there is someone in my life right now that does this as well. With me being on the other end if this type person, I see that it would be IMPOSSIBLE to EVER meet their expectations and I know they too will never be able to meet them as well.

This situation has caused me great, great stress. And it's tough handling it as a single mom. I have wondered why God would put me in this situation. It doesn't seem fair and well, it's just very hard and very draining. 

I was driving to my friends house over the weekend and just thinking about how challenging it is to be around someone like this so much.

Clear as day, I heard The Lord say to me that that is exactly how my husband felt for over 19 years.....OUCH, OUCH, OUCH!!!!!!!!

I realized that is EXACTLY how I was/am. I didn't even realize it but I so see how there is nothing I can do in my current situation where I will ever be good enough. That had to have been how he felt for all those years.

That was a very hard pill to swallow. Of course, his standards weren't very high at all obviously. But, what it taught me is that it might be fine to set your own standards high and that's your business. But to expect others to also and then treat them as though they aren't a good person because they don't is unrealistic. 

I'm grateful God revealed this to me. I believe it will not only help me with others in my life but that this will help me as well to not be so hard on myself.

It's kind of like my Diet Coke addiction. You might not like Diet Coke. You may think it causes cancer and is terribly unhealthy for you. But that is YOUR conviction/feelings/opinion, not mine. 

So to "look down" on me for it or to even say anything at all is not your place. If you are a vegetarian, who am I to slight you for it in any way at all? That's what you believe and good for you for living a healthy lifestyle. But why would you get upset with "me" because I eat meat or me get upset with you because you don't?

So, I see that my convictions are just that. And for me to force them on someone else and hold them accountable in as an extreme way that I do myself is having a life that is out of balance. It is having completely unrealistic expectations and very unfair for the other person.

Although difficult, I am glad that I can see within myself areas I need to improve. So, instead of looking at this in a bad way, I just see it like it is. I truly do have high expectations for myself, and by being self-aware and discovering this about myself, I have met the expectations I have set for myself. 

Not only will my life be better because of it but so will countless others I come into contact with!! Thank you Lord for loving me enough to help me get better even when it's sometimes very hard to hear at first.

I Think Bald is Beautiful!

Deryl says......Kelley had her second round of chemo on Friday. It was a little rough because they had to stick her more than once to draw her blood and to put her IV in. To top it off I had to leave for work before she was done with chemo which stressed me out some. But it all wound up being okay. Kelley got tired more quickly this time and is having more hot flashes than before but other than that it has been good.
As you know Kelley shaved her hair off before it had a chance to fall out. Well it started falling out more this past week and and left her head kind of splotchy with bald spots. You could just pull the hair at any spot on her head and it just came right out. So Kelley has been trying to pull it out for a few days. Then she asked me to help her pull it out. The problem is her hair is so short it is hard to grab much. So we had to try tweezers. It worked well but it would take days to get it all out using that method. We didn't want to use a regular razor for fear of cuts and infections. So we decided to see what an electric razor would do. I shaved it as close as possible with the electric razor. It took a little while and Kelley said "can you believe we are doing this?". She said "before I didn't want my hair to come out and now I wish it would just all come out." As I am shaving and thinking about how strange it is to be doing this. I whisper into Kelley's ear "is it weird that this is turning me on?". Of course she laughed but she really is hot bald. And I really did enjoy feeling how smooth her skin was after it was shaved. I am watching her now as I blog and she is just rubbing her head. Which is what I plan to do as soon as I am done writing this.
It is strange how the things you can be so afraid of can turn into some of the most intimate moments of your life. I mean for her to trust me enough to allow me to do that. And the fact that I really felt closer to her at that moment is amazing. And that is where true excitement comes from in a relationship. Sex is an important part of a marriage but without these intimate and loving moments away from the bedroom it is just a physical act. But it can be so much more than that if you will cultivate and notice these moments when they happen. You can create opportunities for intimacy with dates and such but the most intimate of moments are unplanned and cannot be planned. Because when your love for one another just bursts forth spontaneously it leaves no doubt that it came straight from your heart.

Smile

Kelley says..............


I have heard the song "Smile" by Uncle Kracker many times. I was listening to my MP3 player the day I went in to the hospital and right before my first procedure I "really" listened to it. I listened to all the words. Every word was how I feel about Deryl. They were about to wheel me away and I handed my MP3 player to Deryl and told him to listen to it, that it was my new song to him.


Oh how I wish I could find a way to get paid to love him. I would make so much money. He is my everything. I am beyond blessed that he is my husband. I have never done anything in my entire life to deserve him. He is complete greatness. Before this new journey in my life I didn't think there was any way possible for me to love him more. But I do. We love spending every waking moment together but I cherish him so much. I am honored to be his wife and the mother of his children. And above all, we are very best friends. We know things about each other that no other soul on this planet knows! And yet we still love and respect one another.


So, I wanted to share the song with all of you. You can listen along if you like, I posted the song in the top left corner of my blog. Let me know what you think!


"SMILE" by Uncle Kracker Lyrics


You're better then the best
I'm lucky just to linger in your light
Cooler then the flip side of my pillow, that's right
Completely unaware
Nothing can compare to where you send me,
Lets me know that it's ok, yeah it's ok
And the moments where my good times start to fade


You make me smile like the sun
Fall out of bed, sing like bird
Dizzy in my head, spin like a record
Crazy on a Sunday night
You make me dance like a fool
Forget how to breathe
Shine like gold, buzz like a bee
Just the thought of you can drive me wild
Ohh, you make me smile


Even when you're gone
Somehow you come along
Just like a flower poking the sidewalk crack and just like that
You steal away the rain and just like that


You make me smile like the sun
Fall out of bed, sing like bird
Dizzy in my head, spin like a record
Crazy on a Sunday night
You make me dance like a fool
Forget how to breathe
Shine like gold, buzz like a bee
Just the thought of you can drive me wild
Ohh, you make me smile


Don't know how I lived without you
Cuz everytime that I get around you
I see the best of me inside your eyes
You make me smile
You make me dance like a fool
Forget how to breathe
Shine like gold, buzz like a bee
Just the thought of you can drive me wild


You make me smile like the sun
Fall out of bed, sing like bird
Dizzy in my head, spin like a record
Crazy on a Sunday night
You make me dance like a fool
Forget how to breathe
Shine like gold, buzz like a bee
Just the thought of you can drive me wild
Ohh, you make me smile

Let's Get Ready to Rumble!

Deryl says.......It is my first evening as caregiver for Kelley and I don't know how I would have handled it if Kelley's sister was not here. It is not the actual care giving that is stressful but trying to remember what to do, how to do it, and when. We had our first scare tonight as Pam and I were helping Kelley with her drain tubes. She got queasy and felt faint. We had to sit her down and get a cold rag for her head. She was very frightened that she might throw up and how painful it would be. It causes her so much pain just to hiccup. I was afraid throwing up might cause her to pass out. Fortunately we made it through without any issues.

Kelley was in a lot of pain most of the day. It was very difficult to watch her struggle with that so much today. Of course I am sure it was much harder for her. The thing that makes it difficult is that I cannot do anything for her. I am helpless in making her pain go away. I just try to focus on the end result which is a long cancer free life together. That helps me get through a day like today.

She really enjoyed all the visitors that came by. It helped her spirits. She had so many people she did not know that prayed for her and wore pink in support for her. That really touched her as well. If you are so inclined feel free to come visit her. I think it helps get her mind off of what she is going through to have conversations with friends. Although she is physically frail right now she is strong mentally. She has a great attitude. She is even cracking jokes. We were talking about how strange it feels to be going through this. Then she said at least she was never really attached to her boobs. And now they really aren't attached to her. I think we laughed for five minutes over that one.

Life has new meaning now. It is more precious than it was before. We are both so much more grateful to have each other. I can't tell you how many times we have said I love you with tears in our eyes in the last couple of days. We had a moment alone yesterday and she let me brush her hair. I felt so much love for her at that moment. It was one of those intimate moments you just cannot put into words. More intimate than sex even. Because it comes from a different place than romance. It comes from a higher place. It is a love that comes through you rather than from you. It is God loving Kelley through me. I am just grateful to be the one that gets to experience it all.

Heather and Rachel have been so sweet. They have been so brave. Kelley looked better than they thought she would in the hospital. But I think tonight's scare frightened them. Although they knew this was a serious situation I think tonight it really sunk in for both of them. They really hate leaving her at all. I understand how they feel. You wish in these moments you could just push the pause button on life while you recover. But you can't. Life keeps moving with or without you. It is worth fighting for though. And so we fight. And will continue to fight.

My Prince Charming

Kelley says...........................................Well, after the creation of this blog I guess the secret is totally out that Deryl totally rocks! It is funny how before I was diagnosed, I didn't ever really feel comfortable telling anyone how truly wonderful he is and how great our marriage is. I mean, we have only met one other couple in our entire marriage that has had a relationship that even comes close to ours. And that is the couple who counseled us early on in our marriage. At times we have said out loud that we have one of the best marriages that we know of but people kind of give us this funny look. I know a lot of people have strained marriages so it is awkward saying how wonderful our marriage is or how amazing Deryl is without feeling bad for the person I would be saying it to.

So, I just feel like now is the time to say it out loud and be proud of how God has blessed me. Besides, I REALLY need to focus on some positive things right now. I think if anything, doing this will give other women hope that their husband truly can be wonderful or if you are single that the best guy for you is worth waiting for.

I imagine what it must be like for someone who maybe doesn't have a great relationship before being diagnosed. I imagine that for a while, their marriage would be a lot better. That the other spouse would be very loving and feel sorry for the way they have acted in the past. But that is not the case here. Deryl was Mr. Husband of the Universe long before my diagnoses. He helps me around the house. He NEVER leaves clothes or underwear laying on the floor. He does anything I ask of him. He puts the girls to bed and prays with them every single night. He spends all of his time with me and the girls. He lets me do whatever I want. He is understanding and patient. He is the kindest most non-judgmental person I have ever met in my entire life. He is the best daddy to my daughters. He loves me deeply. He is Mr. Positivity. He can find a positive way to look at things in any given situation. He loves God and desires to do his will. He calls me many times and texts every single day. He calls me even when he just runs to the store. He lets me do whatever I want. He has worked three jobs at a time before just so I could stay home with our babies. He has worked more than one job on many occasions. He puts up with me!! He tolerates my moodiness. He accepts what little family I do have. He puts me first always. He shows me great respect. He rolls out the red carpet for me. He makes me feel like a princess. He is extremely smart but yet he doesn't act like he's better than anyone else. He honors me in every way. He makes me feel like there is no other woman on this planet that is prettier than me. And did I mention that he lets me do whatever I want?

So as you can see, he indeed is Mr. Wonderful. Our marriage started out rough. But when the couple I mentioned above counseled us, we did everything they told us to do. Whatever they did, we did too because we knew they had something special. One of the biggest pieces to our marriage is that we are always looking for ways to make each other happy. I always wonder what I could do to make Deryl a happier husband. I want him to look forward to coming home at the end of a long day at work. I want my home to be his safe haven. And I know that Deryl does the same thing. We just always look for how we can serve one another rather than ourselves and I am 100% sure that this is the main ingredient for our successful marriage.

I never in a million years thought that I could love Deryl more or that I could have an even greater marriage than I did before. But this disease has brought us even closer together than before. I watched my mom die from this horrible disease with a husband from hell. I don't know how she did it. But I am very, very grateful that I do not have to experience that.

So Deryl, I just want to say thank you a million times over for being my hero husband!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I am a Lover Not a Fighter! ..........medical update included

Deryl says........................................... Well the last two days have pretty much sucked emotionally. I was feeling an overwhelming sadness yesterday that I could not really tie to any one thing. The frustrating thing is that it has been almost two weeks since we were given the "c" word diagnosis and we barely know more than we did then. Although we have had some positive news there is still so much potential negative news it is overwhelming. There are so many results to wait for before a meaningful decision can be made with regard to treatment. It is almost too much to take in. And if it is overwhelming to me I cannot imagine how difficult it is for Kelley. I mean it is her body that they are talking about removing parts from.

I believe that ultimately God will use this situation for good. As I mentioned before I can already see some good coming out of this situation. But I am afraid for my wife. I am sad that she has to go through this. I am fearful of how much she may have to suffer. I want to FIX IT! But I am helpless against this disease. I cannot fight it or kill it. I cannot protect her from it. It makes me feel weak and sad and hurt. I don't want her to have to go through this. I don't want to go through this. But we are already on the train and it is too late to jump off.

On your wedding day most people are so full of love, hope and excitement. In our vows many say "in sickness and in health" as Kelley and I did. I don't know about you but I didn't give those words much consideration. I never saw cancer in our future back then. But it is times like this when you really find out what kind of relationship you have with your spouse. If you have true love for your wife. I am not talking about romantic "you complete me" type of love. I am talking about looking at the worst case scenario. Knowing that she could lose her breasts, lose her hair, and need to be waited on hand and foot for a long time. And then saying to yourself "I am grateful for the opportunity to show my wife how much I truly love her." and really being able to demonstrate it. I mean how often does someone get to prove their love in a way that leaves no doubt. So when this is all said and done and the cancer has been vanquished forever. My wife will be able to look at me and know I truly love her for who she is. But that kind of love is not something that just happens or that we developed because of some special knowledge or skill. It is the love and the grace of God that allows me to accept this situation and love my wife as I do. I am just loving my wife the way God loves me.

I have a great family around me. And I am not just talking blood relatives only. Many old and new friends have already been there for us before we were even able to ask. That makes it hard to stay sad for very long. It will be nice when we are able to have a day without thinking or talking about cancer. Who knows when that will come? In the mean time I plan to stay positive and lean on my family and friends so my wife can lean on me. So how can I complain when we have all these wonderful people around us? So at least I got that going for me? ......which is nice.

Kelley has an MRI tomorrow. They will be looking for any possible additional tumors. They may also be able to tell if there is any cancer in her lymph nodes from the MRI. We may have a change in the date of her surgery because we probably won't get the genetics test back before the surgery at this point. The genetics test will help determine if she has a lumpectomy or a double mastectomy. I will let everyone know what the new date is when it is scheduled if it changes.