Thursday, November 21, 2013

The attempt before the attempt...Part One

I had just had a chemotherapy treatment. I was tired, I was bald, I was sick of cancer and all that it brought. I wanted to just get out of the house and my husband wanted to go look around at the store so that was perfect. We were walking around and he wants to go look at underwear. Mind you, he had been wearing the same kind of underwear for close to 20 years. He starts looking at these different kinds and my immediate question was why are you looking at those? His response was..."Oh, just thought I'd try something different".

Something in my heart sank. But only briefly because I guess I was in complete denial. I was fighting for my life, having treatments, getting blood drawn every week, surgeries, etc. That was my total focus. When more and more things that just didn't add up started happening, there was just no more denying it.

I finished all my treatments.

Not long after, I felt so strongly in my spirit that something was terribly, terribly wrong.

I questioned him on some of his behavior and he became completely mute. We had a church staff party to go to that day and we did indeed go and he did not speak to me one single time. This was not the kind of marriage we had. This was something that had never, ever before happened. Complete silence. No talking whatsoever, absolutely NO communication AT ALL.

The next morning he told me it was just really frustrating that I was starting to accuse him of things and he proceeded to tell me that it must be because of the chemotherapy and that not having my breasts anymore must make me insecure so I in turn don't trust him. Well, it made perfect sense at the time.

I proceeded to cry and ask for his forgiveness. I went immediately to my computer to write a blog post. I poured out my heart and told the story and how awful I felt for accusing him and even told what had happened the day before and totally praised him for the awesome incredible care taker he appeared to be. I then showed him the blog and asked him to read it before I posted it and he did and said it was really good.

Day after day it became more and more apparent that there was definitely some infidelity going on. I got up in the middle of the night, got his phone and started looking and searching. Because it was a Blackberry, I had no idea how to use it. When I couldn't find anything or really figure it out, I put it back and went back in the living room. I sat on the couch with my elbows on my knees and my face in my hands. I cried out to God and just said why are you letting me discern that something is so wrong but yet not leading me to what it is? At that very moment, I realized that I had looked through all of his e-mails and deleted e-mails but never looked in his trash folder. I went to that folder and my life was completely altered forever.

I had just opened Pandora's box.

I can't explain it though I have tried many, many times. I sat there with stubble on my head from my hair starting to come back in, with scarred up breasts, no nipples, 30 pounds over weight from all the steroids I had been on and shock is the only word I can think of although completely traumatized is probably a better description. I can honestly say that I literally felt something happen in my body. Something, although I do not know for sure what, happened within me that night. I was changed. I was later told that it was PTSD.

I hired a private investigator and was on a mission now to find out what all was going on and more importantly, for how long. I had asked a friend (well, I thought they were a friend) to talk to him about all of this. I told this person that I did not know how I was going to get through this. I was just numb, dumbfounded, totally shocked. That night, he did in fact talk to him. Now keep in mind that from the moment I looked in that trash folder, my knight in shining armor husband turned into someone I had NEVER before seen. I did not know this person. I did not like this person. This person was angry, hostile, mean, cruel, appeared to have not one single ounce of remorse, not one ounce of love for me, he basically did not give a shit about anyone but himself.

Did I mention that I was in complete shock!?!? He came home after having this discussion with my "friend" and didn't say a word. I asked him if he was going to tell me about the conversation and he didn't say one damn word...not one. He just got in bed, turned out the light and went to sleep. I was FURIOUS!!

Since all the suspicion started, I had not been sleeping at all. I already had terrible insomnia and had probably at this point only had about 10 hours sleep in a seven day period. Days before, I had taken an Ambien that didn't work, then another, then another and still could not sleep at all. So, I went in my bathroom, got my make-up bag, scooped any and all medication off the bathroom counter and dropped it in my bag. I grabbed my keys and left my purse and everything else there at the house. I took off and went to my job which happened to be in a large home. I knew I would be alone. I grabbed all the medicine because I was in such a hurry and so mad that I didn't want to have to look through to find the ones I wanted so I just grabbed them all.

I got in my car and I was shaking I was so mad. I immediately thought to myself, I am going to go to work, back my car in the garage so no one knows I'm here, keep my car running, barely crack the windows and be done with this life. And that is what I did. After a minute or so I suddenly became very afraid. I thought to myself what in the hell are you thinking!! You can't leave these kids with this monster that he has become. You can't leave them without their mom like you have endured. I shut off the car and went inside. I couldn't even cry. I wanted to, but I just couldn't. I went and looked in the mirror and just looked at myself and wondered what in the world is happening to me. My life had just been tragedy after tragedy after tragedy and now this? I started talking sense to myself and I realized that I was thinking crazy because I had not had any sleep. I prayed and prayed and sought The Lord. I was so glad he caused me to realize that this was because I was completely exhausted. I just needed sleep.

Since I had taken three Ambien to no avail, I took a Xanax and I think it was 5 Ambien and some Benedryl, I think. I know you probably think that is insane but I went days with absolutely no sleep. I was in a state that I just couldn't and even still can't describe. All I knew was that I just wanted to go to sleep and wake up with a clear head and try to face the new day in the morning. I anticipated that I would wake up very early and go back home and no one would even realize I had been gone.

I crawled under a desk. I know it sounds odd, even crazy, but I curled up in a ball like a child. That was how I felt. I didn't have a mother or a father that I could call. But I could call on God. I asked for forgiveness for even thinking such crazy thoughts and literally begged God to please let me sleep. What happened next is really unknown by anyone.

I think this blog is long enough and it is making me very sad remembering the events that followed. So stay tuned for the rest of the story...

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