Behind the smile...

Today I just want to push pause on the rest of my story to explain why I think it is so important for me to be open and discuss the topics I have been discussing in my blog. There are SO many people that struggle with depression AND with suicidal thoughts and there is a terrible stigma that goes along with it.

The picture above was at a time in my life when I struggled with suicidal thoughts on a weekly basis. But look how happy I looked!! THIS is one of the MAIN reasons I do what I do with this blog. This is why I am so frank and real in my posts and desire for all my readers to share my blog. Because let me tell you, there are countless others wearing that pretty smile each and every single day but behind that smile,  they deal with very dark thoughts, very REAL thoughts, very scary thoughts.

I feel as though I can't explain this to you and do it any justice but I'll do my best. First, let me just say that I truly believe that the majority of people have thought about suicide at least once or twice in their lives. But usually, it is just a passing, fleeting thought and once some time passes and whatever they were upset about has passed they are totally fine and that is that. This was me for years and years.

I seriously thought about it but honestly, I was 100% sure that I would never, ever actually do it. It is kind of like eating one cookie when you are on a diet but you really want to eat four or five more. You don't because you know you shouldn't but you did still think about it. Once you walk away from the cookies you don't even think about it again at that moment until your are around fresh baked cookies again.

I AM GOING TO WRITE THE REST OF THIS IN ALL CAPS BECAUSE THAT IS HOW SERIOUS...HOW EXTREMELY IMPORTANT WHAT I AM GOING TO SAY IS. FOR YEARS WHEN I MYSELF STRUGGLED WITH SUICIDAL THOUGHTS AND I KNEW I WOULD NEVER DO IT I WAS COMPLETELY IN DENIAL AND A COMPLETE HYPOCRITE WHEN IT CAME TO SUICIDAL PEOPLE WHO ACTUALLY TRIED TO COMMIT SUICIDE. I LOST MY MOM WHEN I WAS 23 AND TO THIS DAY IT JUST TOTALLY SUCKS TO HAVE LIVED MY LIFE WITHOUT MY MOM. I WOULD NEVER, EVER, EVER IN A MILLION YEARS INTENTIONALLY LEAVE MY GIRLS WITHOUT THEIR MOMMA...EVER!!

SO WHEN I HEARD ABOUT SOMEONE WHO HAD ATTEMPTED SUICIDE OR WAS SUCCESSFUL, I AND MANY OTHERS WOULD ALWAYS, ALWAYS, ALWAYS SAY THE EXACT SAME THING.

 "WELL, THAT IS JUST THE MOST SELFISH THING A PERSON COULD DO. THEY JUST TOOK THE EASY WAY OUT"

THEN PEOPLE ACTUALLY GET ANGRY WITH THE SUICIDAL PERSON. LET ME TELL YOU FRANKLY THAT I BELIEVE THERE IS NO TELLING HOW MANY PEOPLE WHO HAD A FAILED ATTEMPT AT SUICIDE AND HAVE GONE ON TO HAVE A SUCCESSFUL ATTEMPT BECAUSE OF THE WAY PEOPLE HAVE TREATED THEM BECAUSE OF THEIR PRIOR ATTEMPT. WHAT I THINK PEOPLE DON'T UNDERSTAND IS HOW FAR DOWN A SPIRAL THE PERSON HAS GONE LONG BEFORE THEY ACTUALLY MAKE THE ATTEMPT. TRUST ME WHEN I SAY THAT NO ONE JUST "WANTS" TO GO AND KILL THEMSELVES. NO ONE!!

WHEN I LOOK BACK ON THE MONTHS LEADING UP TO "THE" DAY, I HONESTLY CAN'T EVEN TELL YOU WHEN I WENT FROM HAVING THOUGHTS ABOUT SUICIDE TO HAVING A "PLAN" TO COMMIT SUICIDE. SO MANY PEOPLE LOOK AT PORN TO DEAL WITH LIFE, PEOPLE DRINK AND DO DRUGS TO COPE, THOSE SAME PEOPLE A LOT OF THE TIME GO ON TO NOT JUST DO THOSE THINGS BUT BECOME COMPLETELY ADDICTED TO THEM AND BECOME SOMEONE UNRECOGNIZABLE TO PEOPLE THEY KNOW AND LOVE. NOTHING DIFFERENT WITH SUICIDAL PEOPLE.

BECAUSE OF HOW SOCIETY TREATS PEOPLE WHO HAVE A SUCCESSFUL OR FAILED ATTEMPT AT SUICIDE, A LOT OF US KEEP THE DEEP DARK SECRET TO OURSELVES. SO WHAT HAPPENS IS THAT YOU SEE EVERYONE OUT THERE AS KIND OF LIKE THE ENEMY. THE FURTHER DOWN THE SPIRAL YOU GET, THE MORE YOU REALIZE THAT YOU JUST CAN'T TELL ANYONE ABOUT IT. I WAS IN COUNSELING FOR TWO YEARS BEFORE MY ATTEMPT. I COULDN'T EVEN TELL THE COUNSELOR. 

MY MISSION IS TO USE MY BLOG TO REACH OUT TO THESE PEOPLE WHO ARE IN THIS PLACE IN THEIR LIVES. I AM ASKING YOU TO PLEASE, PLEASE, PLEASE SHARE THIS POST ON YOUR FACEBOOK WALL, A LINK IN TWITTER, E-MAIL, TEXT, ANY WAY YOU CAN. PLEASE DO THIS FOR ME. YOU COULD SAVE A LIFE AND NEVER EVEN KNOW IT. YOU HAVE NO IDEA WHO IN YOUR FRIENDS LIST COULD BE DEALING WITH THIS RIGHT NOW AT THIS VERY MOMENT. THAT IS WHY I POSTED THE PICTURE OF ME IN THIS POST SO YOU COULD HAVE A PRIME EXAMPLE OF WHAT I AM TALKING ABOUT.  

NOW I WANT TO WRAP UP THIS POST BY SPEAKING DIRECTLY TO ANY OF YOU READING THIS POST THAT IS READING THIS AND RELATING TO EVERY WORD. I AM NOT A COUNSELOR, I AM A LIFE COACH THOUGH. I DON'T HAVE ALL THE ANSWERS, BUT WHAT I DO HAVE IS LIFE-LONG EXPERIENCE WITH THIS. I WILL GO INTO DETAIL IN A LATER POST BUT I WAS ONLY MINUTES FROM DEATH WHEN I ATTEMPTED. I WAS ON LIFE SUPPORT AND NOT EXPECTED AT ALL TO MAKE IT. I FIRMLY BELIEVE GOD SAVED ME SO I CAN IN TURN HELP SAVE YOU, THE VERY PERSON READING THIS. IF YOU GO BACK TO MY POST "I AM A SUICIDE SURVIVOR" MY CONTACT INFO IS AT THE END OF THE POST. I WOULD LOVE TO HEAR FROM YOU. THERE IS HOPE FOR YOU. AND YOU WILL ABSOLUTELY NOT BE "BOTHERING" ME. AND YOU CAN BE TOTALLY ANONYMOUS IF YOU LIKE. 

I HOPE THIS POST HELPS THOSE WHO ARE NOT SUICIDAL AND DON'T STRUGGLE WITH THIS UNDERSTAND A LITTLE BIT MORE AND WILL CONTINUE TO READ MY BLOG FOR AN EVEN GREATER UNDERSTANDING