Wednesday, November 27, 2013

The attempt before the attempt...Part 2

I sat up and there was total and complete darkness. There was absolutely NO light. I was so afraid but I didn't have time to be frightened. I needed to get to some light. When I moved, I realized I was inside something but had no idea what. I frantically searched for my phone so I would have some light. The phone was no where to be found. I kept thinking to myself that I just HAD to get out of there. I tried to stand up and I felt a bunch of nails dig into my back. I was so afraid that I sat back down and then laid down. I guess I fell back to sleep and I have no idea what happened until I woke up again and the exact same thing happened. This time I felt my pants rip down the side. Again, I laid back down. I'm not sure how much time went by but by the time I woke again, I was determined to get out of this room, this place, no matter what it took to get out. By now I realize I am in a long cardboard box, like a wardrobe box. The way I was in it was like I was in a coffin.

Finally, I decide that I have no other choice but to fight through the pain from the nails and just get myself out of there. I was so confused and so disoriented. I couldn't understand why I was in this room alone in my pajamas. I couldn't understand why I was there alone and why no one was there helping me. I stood up fast and the nails ripped through the back of my shirt and skin. OUCH!!!! My pants leg ripped some more, I fell on my knees several times very hard and now my knee was hurting. I have no idea how but I found a wall and started feeling around in the complete darkness. I felt a light switch, turned it on, then opened the door. I was still at my office in that big, huge house.

Once I saw the light I immediately just went down to the room that was my office and saw my phone. When I picked up my phone, I had over 100 missed calls and text messages!! I was wondering what in the world could possibly be going on?!?!?!?!?! The first text I read was from my mother-in-law and I just quickly replied..."I'm fine". Then, I called my all time greatest breast cancer buddy who had been there for me and my family from the get go. I was just like..."Hey, what in the hell is going on. I've got tons of missed calls and texts, I don't get it". She said, "Kelley, do you know what day it is"? I said, "Yeah, it's Wednesday". She said, "Kelley, it is Thursday and you have been missing for two days. The police are looking for you and they even have your car and license plate number on the signs on the highway as a missing person".

WHAT?!?!?!?!? She tells me not to go anywhere and that she was on the way. My husband calls me and tells me he's coming up there and I said you better not or I will leave right now. I do NOT want to see you AT ALL. So he didn't come.

My friend showed up in minutes. She must have FLOWN down the road to get there. I look in the mirror and my pants are totally ripped and almost my entire leg is exposed. My knee is bleeding and all scratched up and scratches are all over my back. Before she could really even start telling me anything the police show up and an ambulance. We are all sitting there and the lead cop was a COMPLETE jerk. I am explaining to them what happened and that the Ambien I took must have been too much and I must have fallen asleep and then did stuff in my sleep while on the Ambien. Honestly, I was surprised that would happen because I have an extremely high tolerance and to me that just wasn't a whole lot of medicine considering what I had taken several nights in a row to sleep and it was fine although I didn't sleep at all.

It was right about this time that I looked over and saw my friend looking through my make up bag because I had already told her I put all my medication in there the night before. Well, one by one she pulls out each bottle and they are ALL empty. It was at this point that I knew 100% that I must have taken them when I was in my Ambien sleep. It all made sense why I ended up in the attic in a box in a dark room where I couldn't escape. Actually, I was relieved to now understand what had happened. However.....

Everyone in the room now believed that I had tried to commit suicide and was that I was lying about it. This is where I was totally hurt by people I looked up to, admired, trusted, believed in and thought they totally believed in me, church leaders, friends, people who knew me on a very deep level for quite some time. Now, the cop insisted that I go to the hospital to get checked out.

When I got to the hospital, my husband went home and took a nap!!!! How could you do that if your spouse had been missing for two days and potentially somewhere dead and you just find out she is alive and could possibly be messed up from all the medication?!?!? It was then and there that confirmed for me that he had completely changed and I had NO idea who he was anymore or who he had become.

When I got home from the hospital and with some people, to this very day, I was treated as though I had attempted suicide and no one gave me the benefit of the doubt, no one bothered to think about me as a person and my character and all they knew about me as a believer, nothing. I was guilty until proven innocent and put on trial by a group of leaders and their spouses and they sentenced me by shunning and excluding me. I have been hurt by the church many times but never to this level. I mean, I was banned. I couldn't work, I couldn't get on Facebook, I couldn't blog, it was totally as if I had tried to kill myself and this was my punishment. It was as if what they believed was just completely true and I had to comply. Well, that is just not who I am.

I can take a lot from people. But one thing anyone who truly knows about me is that I am honest to a fault. If I am wrong, I'll be the first to admit it. But tell me I am wrong or lying and I am not......It's not pretty. I hate judgement. When you judge another person you just put yourself in a place of superiority to the person you judge. YOU make yourself God. I was sent to a counselor who went and told what I shared with him in sessions to my pastor. And we are talking VERY intimate details I had never shared with another soul in my entire life. All of the sudden, the roles had completely changed and it was like Deryl was the good guy and I was the damn enemy.

There was actually someone who NEVER, EVER spoke to me again because they had just made up their mind that I had attempted suicide. WOW, what an awesome friend, huh? I mean, all I could think to myself was if I had really tried to kill myself, and this is how people were treating me, then these people didn't care about me to begin with. There wasn't anyone reaching out to help but rather to cover things up as quickly as possible, punish, dictate and rule me like a freakin' child.

To go into all the detail on this type of forum just wouldn't be right. But that is enough of the story to get the message across. And I must say that there was ONE friend who stuck by my side the entire time. She knew me just as well as the people....CHRISTIANS....who were treating me like I was 100% guilty. We went to lunch and I let her drill me and ask me anything she wanted. She listened with an open mind and without judgement. She had not already "sentenced" me in her head. She prayed about it before we met, while we were meeting and after. The end result is that she felt God had told her that I told her the truth and now she just had to believe me because she was my close friends and she had to let everything her and anyone else was saying go. We are still friends today. (Thank you Mamma Swig) There are a few people I do talk to on Facebook who were never really in the loop. Well, I'm sure they were in the Christian "I'll pray for you gossip train".

When this happened, I fell into a deep, dark depression. I was diagnosed with Post Traumatic Stress Disorder as well. I was a complete emotional wreck. Some of our deepest hurts come from our parents and people in authority. Check, check and CHECK on those!!

I spent the following close to two years sinking deeper and deeper and I didn't even realize what was happening. My husband was a completely different man than I had known him to be for almost 20 years. He treated me terrible. All of this was what led up to my post titled "I am a suicide survivor".

1 comment:

  1. Your strength amazes me. When you were here, I could see the pain in your eyes, but certainly not the depths to which it went.
    Thank you for sharing your story.