Tuesday, October 7, 2014

A peek inside the suicidal mind...

I wish I could boldly say it never crosses my mind. I wish I could turn back time and never had made the decision to have chemotherapy. I wish I could have my precancerous mind back. I wish I would have never fallen into such deep depression. I wish...I wish...I wish.

Unfortunately, it is what it is and there is only so much I can do about it. I am so grateful that God put someone in my life a few years ago who has turned out to be a rock for me on my super rocky days. This woman sat on the end of my bed shortly after leaving the hospital while I still wanted to end my life forever. She didn't need to "say" anything. She was just there and it was exactly what I needed.

But since then, I have been afraid to ever tell a soul that the thoughts still sometimes cross my mind. My life is very different now. It is different in ways I have never experienced before. Sometimes, I get afraid and fearful of how the rest of my life is gonna go.

I feel like I have no choice but to share my story with others. It frightens me sometimes at who will read these posts and think I am crazy or if it might prevent me from doing something in the future job/client related. But I have to let all that fear go because I know my life was spared for a purpose. And this I have NO doubt about.

This past week or so has been very difficult and challenging for me. It all came to a head yesterday and suddenly the suicidal thoughts came rushing in like a flood. For the first time in close to two years, I had tremendous racing thoughts and I knew I was headed somewhere really bad. I know from experience that suicidal thoughts aren't the worst....it's when you start creating the plan in your head that it turns dark and starts to become your reality. One thing I knew for certain is that I was about to explode and if I didn't tell someone right away, I could be headed down a terrible path.

I am so very thankful that I reached out to the friend who sat with me for hours when I first got home from the hospital in early 2013. She didn't freak out, she didn't call me selfish, there was no judgment, she just listened. But then she turned around and sent me some messages reminding me of who I am at my core and just what I am made of.  A couple of hours later, an opportunity presented itself to chat with my big sister about it and she too spoke life into me and reminded me of the much bigger picture...that I have a calling and a purpose to fulfill in this life of mine.

I am very proud of myself. It took a lot of courage to open up about some raw feelings....it was very brave for someone in my position. I knew it had to be done and I knew that if I could just make it until this morning when a new day started, I would be fine and be able to face the days ahead.

Through my blog I have discovered how many people struggle with these type thoughts. I know that many people have ended their lives within the darkest tormenting hours of their lives. I know what that short window of time is like. I am here to tell you that if you have a dark place you are in, please trust me and know that it truly passes. I know at times it can be so very difficult and sometimes regardless of what anyone else may think of you, it seems hopeless. But since my failed attempt, the only way I have muddled through some of the dark times is to hold onto that teeny tiny glimmer of hope that if I can just hang in there until the sun rises tomorrow, I'll be okay. And you know what? I AM!!

As always, please feel free to reach out to me at ANY time through my blog. I'd love to be a listening ear for you. I'd be honored to help you on your journey the way a few have done for me. YOU are here for a reason. YOU are here for a purpose that only YOU can fulfill. YOU are MORE than enough. YOU are valuable and worthy. The world NEEDS YOU!!!! Sending much, much love to all my followers, especially to the survivors, my self-harming friends and my suicide survivor friends!