Tuesday, January 28, 2014

Divorced: The end of an error

Well, almost exactly 12 months after Deryl picked me up from the hospital, dropped me off at our home and never returned, I am officially divorced. 

I did go have a few drinks to celebrate after receiving the news from my attorney. I posted the news on Facebook to which I received many likes from those who know my story and from some who don't know the whole story unless they are a blog follower of course. 

I also got quite a few comments. One comment was from a guy I went to middle school with. He said the post made him sad. Ya know, it makes me sad too. 

Deryl at one time was my Prince Charming, my knight in shining armour, my best friend in the entire world, my protector, the love of my life and most of all, my soul mate. 

During the course of our relationship, we worked at the same job together several times, we had a business together and he worked from home for many years. We couldn't get enough of each other. We hardly ever left each other's side. We loved being together. We could talk for hours and hours. Many, many times the kids would have to interrupt us just to get a word in.

God I loved him. Words will NEVER, EVER, EVER be able to describe the actual physical feeling I felt in my body after being diagnosed with cancer, surgeries, chemo, weekly trips to the doctor for months on end getting poked and prodded, losing my hair and then discovering countless emails, texts, videos, etc of so many women on the computer he had been involved with in one way or another. Then discovering he communicated with complete strangers while I, just weeks after my last treatment, walked the Komen 3 Day while I was still bald. On those very same days he brought the kids to come cheer me on.

I've tried so many times to try to explain what took place in my mind and body that night I found everything out but just can't put it into words. All I know is that something most definitely happened and I've never been the same since. 

I don't expect sympathy. I don't expect understanding and I sure don't want anyone to pity me. 

I just hope that knowing this might give you a glimpse of why I am the way that I am. Why I've done some of the things I've done. To discover someone you knew for many, many years had been living a completely different life while simultaneously treating you like a queen is just indiscribable to say the least. You can only imagine how little trust I have for absolutely anyone. 

I don't know what my future holds for me now. But what I do know is that I'm exactly where God wants me to be. I have so much peace. I have started my own company that is doing very well and since gaining my independence things just started looking up. So many great things have happened to me and I have some hope for my future.

I hope one day I'll be so far removed from my almost successful suicide attempt that it will never again cross my mind. 

My greatest desire is to encourage other breast cancer and suicide survivors. I want to inspire people to keep keepin' on even when all hope seems gone. I want to educate those who judge and have no understanding of what it's like to be suicidal. 

I've had so many people contact me who struggle with wanting to end their lives. I want you to know that I truly thank God for you. Together, we can win...we can get through this. Please know that you aren't alone. Don't listen to the nonsense of others. You are normal, you just deal with life differently than some but definitely not all. I am so proud of all of you who have contacted me. That is such a big step. 

It's wonderful to be able to talk to someone who has been there and knows you aren't a crazy person. 

I have my good days and of course I still have some pretty dark days as well. But those dark days are getting further and further apart. I have discovered that the less I look to the outside for help and the more work I do internally, the stronger I become. 

I believe there is no one outside of myself that can "fix" me. I must take full responsibility for me and press on. Having someone who relates that can be a listening ear, a comfort and offer words of wisdom is invaluable. However, we can ONLY change ourselves. 

Today, I look forward to the future. I pray that if you know anyone that might benefit from the things I have endured that you would share my post/blog with them. It would be awesome if you shared this on your social media platforms as well because believe me, many, many people are struggling greatly and you have no earthly idea. 

Help me get my message out to others. 



Monday, January 6, 2014

The anniversary of my death

One year ago today I tried to take my own life with near success. A mentor of mine asked me how I felt. I said that I feel wonderful. I realized that the old me had to die and the real me has been revealed. 

After living in an extremely toxic environment for several years, I am finally at peace, hopeful, happy and successful in my own right!! I get my oil changed, I've repaired my own vacuum cleaner all by myself, I figure out how to get my car to the mechanic and back when it breaks down, I kill bugs, I go wherever I want whenever I want, I never have to watch television....ever, and I am traveling without any assistance from a man.

For the first time I'm LIVING my life. Living it without fear of the future. Living it with hopes and aspirations. Living in complete honesty with my true self...who I really am at my core.

I'm free. I could not care less what anyone else thinks of me. Although I never really did. LOL!! 

I see clearly that every trauma, every tragedy, every addiction, every relationship, every great and every sucky boss or job developed me into the amazing woman I have become!! There is no amount of schooling that could have taught me the things that I know.

Although I have some physical limitations as I find myself getting older, I adore aging. I hold babies and see so much more than a cute baby. I see LIFE. I see beauty. I see hope and an amazing future for this sweet little life. 

I love challenges and face them head on without fear. I know my tomorrow's will be more and more amazing than the days before. 

I know now more than ever that I have a MIGHTY, MIGHTY purpose. I am sad that I had to nearly lose my life to find it but in finding it I am 100% certain that my life and experiences will be used to help others find and discover their life. 

I'm excited about and completely energized helping others and look forward to the days to come when I witness others overcoming difficulties and discovering who they really, really are then becoming ALL they were destined to become!!!!