Hand me downs...and I'm NOT talking about clothes here!!

I remember what a blessing it was to have two daughters. When they were young, I could pass down the older ones clothes and save a ton of money. Hand me downs were always nice. Being a girl myself, I have had friends give me hand me downs and I have given away a lot myself. Hand me downs were always a good thing in my mind.

I was sitting here this morning thinking about hand me downs. As a life-coach, I listen to stories on a daily basis of some not so helpful hand me downs people have been given. In our lives, we have life altering events that take place and those very events create limiting beliefs in our minds. Those beliefs are "seared" into our brains literally. They form a new neural pathway in our brain.

It can be compared to the pathway around your yard if you have a dog. After going around the same path for so long, you can see the path as it gets worn down. It is the same way with our minds. When we hold onto these limiting beliefs, when we think the same thoughts repetitively, it gets further engrained in our brain.

I'll give you an example. I have suffered a lot of loss in my life. My father left my life when I was a young girl, I lost a 4 month old child when I was 17, lost my mom when I was only 23, lost my breasts to cancer at 40, lost a 20 year marriage at 43, etc, etc. I remember when my dad left, even at such a very young age, I formed a belief that you can just "lose" people. So when I lost my child, it further confirmed that belief. With every subsequent loss, the belief became pure reality in my thinking brain.

Every single trauma or tragedy that we have suffered creates a limiting belief. Dr. Jayne Gardner owns The Gardner Institute where I received all my life coaching credentials. I have worked with her for many years. She has a fascinating tool she created called a re-wire. Neuroscience has proven that we can actually re-wire our brains with NEW beliefs. Going back to the event and figuring out what limiting belief was created is the first step. It takes a lot of work to install a NEW belief and therefore creating a NEW neural pathway. But it indeed works.

Dr. Gardner is having a one day event at the end of January where she will do demonstrations of a rewire LIVE!! It is one of the most phenomenal things I have ever witnessed. If you want to learn more about this event, you can check it out here. Evolve Retreat

Divorced: The end of an error

Well, almost exactly 12 months after Deryl picked me up from the hospital, dropped me off at our home and never returned, I am officially divorced. 

I did go have a few drinks to celebrate after receiving the news from my attorney. I posted the news on Facebook to which I received many likes from those who know my story and from some who don't know the whole story unless they are a blog follower of course. 

I also got quite a few comments. One comment was from a guy I went to middle school with. He said the post made him sad. Ya know, it makes me sad too. 

Deryl at one time was my Prince Charming, my knight in shining armour, my best friend in the entire world, my protector, the love of my life and most of all, my soul mate. 

During the course of our relationship, we worked at the same job together several times, we had a business together and he worked from home for many years. We couldn't get enough of each other. We hardly ever left each other's side. We loved being together. We could talk for hours and hours. Many, many times the kids would have to interrupt us just to get a word in.

God I loved him. Words will NEVER, EVER, EVER be able to describe the actual physical feeling I felt in my body after being diagnosed with cancer, surgeries, chemo, weekly trips to the doctor for months on end getting poked and prodded, losing my hair and then discovering countless emails, texts, videos, etc of so many women on the computer he had been involved with in one way or another. Then discovering he communicated with complete strangers while I, just weeks after my last treatment, walked the Komen 3 Day while I was still bald. On those very same days he brought the kids to come cheer me on.

I've tried so many times to try to explain what took place in my mind and body that night I found everything out but just can't put it into words. All I know is that something most definitely happened and I've never been the same since. 

I don't expect sympathy. I don't expect understanding and I sure don't want anyone to pity me. 

I just hope that knowing this might give you a glimpse of why I am the way that I am. Why I've done some of the things I've done. To discover someone you knew for many, many years had been living a completely different life while simultaneously treating you like a queen is just indiscribable to say the least. You can only imagine how little trust I have for absolutely anyone. 

I don't know what my future holds for me now. But what I do know is that I'm exactly where God wants me to be. I have so much peace. I have started my own company that is doing very well and since gaining my independence things just started looking up. So many great things have happened to me and I have some hope for my future.

I hope one day I'll be so far removed from my almost successful suicide attempt that it will never again cross my mind. 

My greatest desire is to encourage other breast cancer and suicide survivors. I want to inspire people to keep keepin' on even when all hope seems gone. I want to educate those who judge and have no understanding of what it's like to be suicidal. 

I've had so many people contact me who struggle with wanting to end their lives. I want you to know that I truly thank God for you. Together, we can win...we can get through this. Please know that you aren't alone. Don't listen to the nonsense of others. You are normal, you just deal with life differently than some but definitely not all. I am so proud of all of you who have contacted me. That is such a big step. 

It's wonderful to be able to talk to someone who has been there and knows you aren't a crazy person. 

I have my good days and of course I still have some pretty dark days as well. But those dark days are getting further and further apart. I have discovered that the less I look to the outside for help and the more work I do internally, the stronger I become. 

I believe there is no one outside of myself that can "fix" me. I must take full responsibility for me and press on. Having someone who relates that can be a listening ear, a comfort and offer words of wisdom is invaluable. However, we can ONLY change ourselves. 

Today, I look forward to the future. I pray that if you know anyone that might benefit from the things I have endured that you would share my post/blog with them. It would be awesome if you shared this on your social media platforms as well because believe me, many, many people are struggling greatly and you have no earthly idea. 

Help me get my message out to others. 

Love,

Kelley

Are you overlooking the miracles right in front of you?

Kelley says....

Okay, I think it is time to share some of the miracles that have happened this year, don't ya think? The first thing that comes to mind is when I discovered that my childhood friend had been arrested multiple times and had used my name. This prevented us from getting a house that was very close to Deryl's job. However, after the initial shock, I just knew in my heart that God allowed that to come up because he had a better house for us and that I would end up getting a job that would require a background check. We now live in the biggest house we have ever lived in and in the nicest area we have ever lived in for CHEAPER than we paid in Texas!

When I first found out about all the identity theft I called an attorney here in Georgia who proceeded to tell me that I would have to hire an attorney in Texas and that this was not going to be any sort of quick process. Basically he told me that getting identity theft cleared up is one of the hardest things to do especially since this was a criminal identity theft. Today, I got a notarized letter from the District Attorney in Texas that totally and completely expunged my name so I have a clean record now....with only GOD as my attorney. This is a miracle indeed!!

I started my new job on Oct 11, my mom's birthday. I cannot begin to put into words how much I love my job. I cannot wait to go to work every day. Actually, my weekends go by so slow now because I am longing to be back at work. I have NEVER felt that way about any job I have ever had. To see firsthand God at work each and every single day of the week is just amazing. My job really has meaning. What I do helps everyone else who works there do their job effectively. Salvation's happens all the time there on a regular basis. There are many more volunteers than there are staff and the volunteers are what is making it happen! These aren't your every day volunteers. These people come in many days a week like clock work each and every single week. They work like it is their real job. They work like it is their own organization and like they are being paid. I am amazed each and every day. They are all so very kind and so giving. I just stay in awe.

So, I found out that not only has a Monday prayer group been praying since early 2011 for the right person to fill my position  literally hundreds of people have been praying for this. During the worst time of my ENTIRE life....God had complete strangers praying for me. This just amazes me. I stay amazed at the goodness of God. To think that he truly has gone before me is so awesome. And what amazes me now is that I know that even now he is going before me for even greater things. My work needed me as much as I needed them and they don't even know it! Wow, we serve such a mighty God.

Secondly, one night during my whole interview process, Deryl and I went to a track to get some exercise. He ran and I walked. When you pull into this place there is a park and a library and a skate park. You drive past all of that down into the very back of the area where there is hardly any lighting and there is a football field and a track. It was just us and one other couple. When I was done, I went and sat in the car. While in Deryl's car I discovered yet another lie he had told me. He came to the car and all hell broke loose. At the same time, he started the car and it wouldn't start! Here we were with no one to call and had no idea what to do. The only other couple there didn't have jumper cables. Deryl wants to get the car started and I want to talk about what in the heck I had just found out.

We decide that we should walk up to the skate park since there were always a ton of people there. Literally, we walked up to 5 different cars which all had men in them by the way and every single one said they didn't have cables. I am sure we didn't look like the most friendly and honest people in the world. Here I was absolutely furious with Deryl and he had just finished a 30 minute run and was all sweaty. For some unknown reason I decide to walk up to a woman's mini-van. When I walked up, I saw in her lap a bible and a Beth Moore study and I knew she was my ticket home. She was so scared as I would have been as well. She barely cracked her window and to make a very long story short, it ends up that we lived about 10 houses from each other and attend the same church!!!! Not only that but she was Rachel's small group youth leader!

Now mind you, I was in the middle of interviewing for my current job. I think I had already had my second interview and was pretty convinced I had the job. So I was starting to get worried about the girls having to take the bus. Well don't you know that God let me become friends with this woman and her children go to the girls same schools. She offered to help us with the girls and had that not all happened at the exact time that it did, I would have never met her! We DO serve an on time GOD!!!!

Let us not forget that just because God doesn't answer our prayers the way WE want him to does not mean that he has not answered. Answers to our prayers are ALL around us. We just have to look for them and sometime get a new perspective. I hope this encourages you to know that it just does NOT matter how things look on the outside. God DOES work ALL THINGS together for HIS good!!!! ALL things, not just the things you can't handle! There are so many more miracles. I will post them as I remember them. I will also do a special post about my job soon. It is just amazing. I can't believe the work they do there. I think it is the world's best kept secret and should no longer be a secret! I want the world to know about the non-profit I work for because God is showing up every single day and I can't wait to see what he has in store for me and many others in the upcoming months!!