Gratitude

Deryl says........Kelley had her first chemo treatment today. She has been handling it pretty well so far. She has had a little nausea and has felt a little drained energy-wise. But so far so good. Of course it has been less than 8 hours since she finished but we can be grateful for the happenings of today. Last week when we went to chemo class I left there kind of scared and a little angry. I found myself in kind of a foul mood for a couple of days. Then had a good weekend but Monday I was feeling kind of pissy again. I just let myself feel it for awhile and got it out of my system. I finally came to a place of acceptance. I felt prepared for what is coming ever since. I had a great rest of the week. Kelley and I had a wonderful day yesterday and we both felt peace. Then this morning came and Kelley was getting a little tense. I could feel some tension within as well but it was very little and did not last very long.
In some ways this process has been very good for us. Kelley and I were discussing how we both feel as if our hearts have opened wider. We both feel more loving and accepting of others and even loving and accepting of this situation. For me the biggest change has come in the area of emotions. I have been able to allow myself to feel whatever it is that I feel in any given moment and express it. And most of the time I feel I express my emotions in a healthy way. I may snap at my kids a little too much and sulk a little too long. But I allow myself to feel and that has opened my heart. I know it sounds kind of sappy and almost feminine. And not too long ago I would have been embarrassed to write this for all to see or even to cry or voice my fears in front of my family. But the more I feel the freer I feel inside. And I see the same thing happening in Kelley.
Kelley has taken a situation that could have hardened her towards life and she has let it soften her. She tells her friends that she loves them and really means it. She could not have done that last year. I admire her bravery so much. She doesn't see it as bravery but it is. I mean who shaves their head before their hair falls out. And not just that but instead of just shaving her hair, she turns it into to hair fashion night where she will get to try on several different haircuts before she goes bald. I mean that is brilliant!
I know we have a tough road ahead of us yet I am grateful. I am grateful for all of the wonderful friends that visited us today. The friends who have done things like clean our house, mow our lawn, and cook meals for us. That is God pouring out His magnificent love on us through other people. How can I not be grateful with incredible, unending love like that. I hope I never forget.