Contemplating

Kelley says............


I don't know where to start. I just SO don't know what to do. I flip-flop back and forth, back and forth between a lumpectomy and the double mastectomy. I mean, this sucks. I'm not gonna lie. This is just a small list of some of the questions and things that are going through my head. 

1. What if I get the lumpectomy and this comes back in the same breast or the other or both?
2. If I get the lumpectomy, I'll have to go through radiation.
3. What if I get the double mastectomy and I really didn't need it?
4. How would I ever know that for sure?
5. If I go with the mastectomy it is much longer recovery.
6. If I go with the mastectomy and reconstruction, there will be much more pain involved.
7. What in the heck am I going to wear over the summer in between surgery and reconstruction?
8. What am I going to wear regardless of which surgery I have?
9. Will I ever want my husband to see me naked again?
10. What if I get the lumpectomy, they find out it has spread and I have to go back for the mastectomy anyway?
11. I won't be able to wear a bathing suit this summer.
12. I wish my mom was here to tell me what to do.

Like I said, this is the short list. I truly thought that I would get the genetics test back and that would kind of be my marker for which road to take. The only thing that test result did was make me relieved that my daughters, sister and nieces chances of getting this disease just went way down. I don't feel any better about this decision than I did weeks ago. It would just be so much easier if God would just come down from heaven and sit across the table from me and tell me what to do. Why can't he just do that? I guess I wouldn't need much faith if it worked that way. 


As you can see, I need so much prayer. I can't make this decision without lots of prayer. I've radically changed my diet and think I look great and I feel super great. I sure don't feel like a sick person! I told a friend of mine tonight that if this cancer ever comes back, it sure isn't for a lack of me trying my best to NOT get it. I have changed so many things. If it was something in my environment then I am sure trying to fix that. And really, who knows if it was hereditary or not? Scientists only know of 2 gene mutations for sure that are hereditary with my type cancer. Who knows how many others there are out there. So many questions and so few answers. 


The only way to describe this is that I feel like I am playing Russian Roulette. I don't know how else to explain it. I feel like if I could just have another really big cry, I could come to a conclusion. Yet I cannot bring myself to feel any tears whatsoever right now. I'm sure this is just part of the journey. It is amazing how afraid I can be and then on the other hand feel totally fine like this is just not a big deal. I do know that "This too shall pass". And of that, I am very confident. 


By this time in three days from now, I will have made a decision. Please pray that it is the right one. For only God knows my future. And only HE knows the plans he has for me.

Jeremiah 29:11 (NIV)

"For I know the plans I have for you, declares the LORD, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future"