Saturday, April 17, 2010

Events on April 13th

Kelley says.......... Events that occurred on April 13th

The gynecologist scheduled my appointment with the breast surgeon for me. My original appointment was for April 21st at 7:00 am. But they called me the next morning after having scheduled the original appointment to tell me they wanted me to come in on April 15th at 6:00 in the evening. I was still thinking at this time that I just COULD NOT believe this. Surely I don’t have cancer, how can this be possible. I am too young, why? I just couldn’t make any sense of it. I wouldn’t say I was full of fear or worrisome thoughts or anything like that. I just had so many questions. I was just anxious and afraid. The questions were coming into my head so fast that I didn’t have time to get consumed with what the answers to those questions might be.

One thing at this point I did know was that God was going to use this. I just started at that moment to pray that whatever purpose this is for would ultimately be accomplished. I know when I lost my child and then when I lost my mom that it was only by the grace of God that I got through it. 

Deryl says.......... This was the worst day for me. I was driving to work alone in the car. All I could think of was what if this is worse than I think? I mean I didn't think this would be cancer. Did I have a part to play in this? I had done a lot of research and read how diet and stress were major factors in cancer. I had known this before and we had discussed changing our diet but we never made any significant changes. Why didn't I push us harder towards a healthy diet? Did my forgetfulness add to her stress? Emotionally I was just hanging on by a thread.
At work I felt useless. I couldn't make any sales calls. I couldn't focus on my work. I found myself doing internet research on cancer. I managed to get a few productive things done but it was difficult to think about anything other than Kelley, Heather, Rachel, and cancer.
I went to lunch but couldn't eat. I went to the bookstore to do some research. I could feel the fear and sadness swelling up inside of me and it stuck in my throat. I almost ran to my car and as soon as I sat down I broke down. I cried so hard I felt as if I was going to throw up. My head was throbbing and my throat was sore and I had only been crying for a couple of minutes. Just then I got a phone call. It was Kelley. As soon as I saw her name on my phone I busted out laughing. God was looking out for me in that moment. I don't remember much of our conversation other than me telling Kelley how I had just finished crying my eyes out. She laughed and said she was glad she could be there for me.
From that moment on I felt better. I was more hopeful and positive. I was glad I was in that place when I called my parents to give them the news. Dad didn't cry but I heard his voice crack and all the positive emotion that was normally in his voice seemed to drain out immediately. Mom was strong at first but was in tears by the end of our call.
It is almost more difficult to tell your loved ones the news than it is to hear it yourself. I mean how do you tell someone your wife has cancer. They want to be supportive for you but they are in shock so you feel as if you need to be supportive for them. There are so many people you feel should hear this news from you but your mind is so busy it becomes easy for important people to slip your mind. Breaking the news became a very emotional chore, especially for Kelley who has such strong empathy for others. We want to keep everyone informed but calling everyone after ever stage of this journey would be too emotionally taxing. That is why we came up with the idea of this blog. It will keep everyone informed and be therapeutic for us.
Many of you who know me know that I am a spiritual person. We are a part of a church that really exemplifies the love of God. Being a part of this family, because it is more like a family than a church, has been so good for us. I believe with all my heart that God loves everyone of us just as we are right now. And we have experienced His love through this challenge. I have felt it directly in my heart and especially through others. They have showered us with love, encouraging words, and kind acts (Colleen your chicken pot-pie was yummy). I feel so grateful to God for all of our family and friends. It saddens me to think of others that go through this without experiencing God's love or having the support of your friends and family. Thank you God for all of these people you have placed around us.

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