Life after treatment

Kelley says...........

Today has been a really rough day. I have been unable to cry at all for months it seems. Finally today I just couldn't hold it in anymore. It is hard to explain to someone who hasn't been through this. I think over the last couple of weeks I have been blaming other things in my life for how I am currently feeling. I think it just became clear to me today that I am only just now dealing with the mental side of what I have gone through this year. It is SUCH a long process. All along it has been two steps forward and then two steps back.

I am sure there are those who think I have SO much to be grateful for and yes, I do. But, that doesn't take away from the fact that I have no hair, I currently have deformed looking breasts, I'm still not done with doctor appointments and I still have yet another surgery. I am different. It kind of reminds me of when my son died and when my mom died. I didn't cry at either of their funerals. When my son died, much time passed before I cried. My mom used to keep him every Friday night. I would go pick him up every Saturday before noon. One Friday night I went to my mom's and when I opened the door it just hit me like a ton of bricks that he was never, ever coming back. It was a little different with my mom. But if you have ever lost someone, you know that the world so easily just gets back to normal and you are sitting there still grieving over this terrible loss.

I had a counselor tell me that breast cancer patients feel the exact same feelings as someone with PTSD. I can see why. I feel as though I should be "over" it. I feel bad for even feeling the way I feel. I'm not exactly sure what or how to feel. I think I am just a mess. I have heard and was warned by many that I would go through this. I guess that makes it a little easier but yet it is still very difficult. I want to inspire people, encourage them and lift them up. So it is hard for me to be in this place. I haven't blogged regularly because I just haven't been in the right frame of mind. So if I cross your mind, please just say a prayer for me. I don't even know what to ask you to pray for. But you all have prayed for me many times and it has done wonders. So, I believe tomorrow will be a brighter day.

Thanks so much for taking the time to read this post.