Saturday, May 31, 2014

When hell freezes over, and only then.

That will be the exact moment I trust men again. I am not even sure I have a desire to even "want" to trust them again. You know me, I am just telling you like it is. Why sit here and try to sugar coat anything? I'm not even trying to trust them. You may be thinking to yourself, this sounds sad or harsh or maybe you are worried or concerned about me.

Well, you all know what I have been through with men. I'm sure you understand on some level where I am at. I do trust my brother, a wonderful pastor here in Georgia who I have known for a very long time, and my best friend's husband. If I had even a sliver of hope that one day I would be able to trust men again, it all went out the window when a married, lead pastor contacted me recently out of the complete blue and told me he has been attracted to me for years and has dreamt of having sex with me. Yep, that just happened. Mind you, I have talked to this man ONCE on the phone shortly after I left Texas and the conversation was ministry related.

Not only that, this person knows what I have been through and endured. Knows fully the hurt that has happened in my life as a direct result of men and men in leadership. So, to say that I am hurt, angry, very confused, sad, afraid, furious, that would all be a tremendous understatement. I sometimes feel like the walking dead when it comes to the open wounds I have. I feel like my skin can barely contain them.

But, I can tell you this my friends, I am indeed a survivor. I have survived more things than most of my close friends will endure combined in their lifetimes. If I can overcome the things that I have overcome and still be standing, I can beat this too. I have been through far too much to give up now. When this happened, it was the second of three very serious negative events that took place in my life in a 24 hour period.

I realized how very far I have come since waking up alive in that hospital bed in January, 2013. Here I am off of ALL my medications. And, I did it. I have to admit that I was going to a job the day after the pastor incident and I cried all the way there. I told God, he must not EVER want me to be with a man again after this. I cried out to him and got through it. After my job that day, I was talking to my oldest daughter later in the afternoon and I told her that even though these three big things had just happened, I felt empowered. I used it as fuel for my journey in healing and discovery of who "Kelley" really is. I actually felt on top of the world because I came to realize that depression is no longer kicking my ass, but I am kicking its ass!!

WHEW!!! That was an incredible feeling. So, I leave you with this thought...

"Thoughts are like steps. They will take you to a destination. Where is it that you would like to go?" ~Kelley McElreath

You may wonder how I reconcile all of this. Well, I know I trust me. And for now, I have to be happy and content with that. I can tell you this, since my husband walked out that door never to return, there has only been a very rare occasion that I have wavered in my trust in the Lord. He has taken such wonderful, wonderful care of me and the girls. So, one thing I know for sure is that we make a hell of a good team. I think I'll be keeping HIM around for a long, long time. :-)

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