That will be the exact moment I trust men again. I am not even sure I have a desire to even "want" to trust them again. You know me, I am just telling you like it is. Why sit here and try to sugar coat anything? I'm not even trying to trust them. You may be thinking to yourself, this sounds sad or harsh or maybe you are worried or concerned about me.
Well, you all know what I have been through with men. I'm sure you understand on some level where I am at. I do trust my brother, a wonderful pastor here in Georgia who I have known for a very long time, and my best friend's husband. If I had even a sliver of hope that one day I would be able to trust men again, it all went out the window when a married, lead pastor contacted me recently out of the complete blue and told me he has been attracted to me for years and has dreamt of having sex with me. Yep, that just happened. Mind you, I have talked to this man ONCE on the phone shortly after I left Texas and the conversation was ministry related.
Not only that, this person knows what I have been through and endured. Knows fully the hurt that has happened in my life as a direct result of men and men in leadership. So, to say that I am hurt, angry, very confused, sad, afraid, furious, that would all be a tremendous understatement. I sometimes feel like the walking dead when it comes to the open wounds I have. I feel like my skin can barely contain them.
But, I can tell you this my friends, I am indeed a survivor. I have survived more things than most of my close friends will endure combined in their lifetimes. If I can overcome the things that I have overcome and still be standing, I can beat this too. I have been through far too much to give up now. When this happened, it was the second of three very serious negative events that took place in my life in a 24 hour period.
I realized how very far I have come since waking up alive in that hospital bed in January, 2013. Here I am off of ALL my medications. And, I did it. I have to admit that I was going to a job the day after the pastor incident and I cried all the way there. I told God, he must not EVER want me to be with a man again after this. I cried out to him and got through it. After my job that day, I was talking to my oldest daughter later in the afternoon and I told her that even though these three big things had just happened, I felt empowered. I used it as fuel for my journey in healing and discovery of who "Kelley" really is. I actually felt on top of the world because I came to realize that depression is no longer kicking my ass, but I am kicking its ass!!
WHEW!!! That was an incredible feeling. So, I leave you with this thought...
"Thoughts are like steps. They will take you to a destination. Where is it that you would like to go?" ~Kelley McElreath
You may wonder how I reconcile all of this. Well, I know I trust me. And for now, I have to be happy and content with that. I can tell you this, since my husband walked out that door never to return, there has only been a very rare occasion that I have wavered in my trust in the Lord. He has taken such wonderful, wonderful care of me and the girls. So, one thing I know for sure is that we make a hell of a good team. I think I'll be keeping HIM around for a long, long time. :-)
Saturday, May 31, 2014
Sunday, May 18, 2014
"Buy a pair, save a pair!!"
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I'm selling hand-painted, personalized (by ME), cancer survivor canvas shoes!! These are mine. With every pair you buy, some of the proceeds will go to help fund my "Sewing for Tata's" gown ministry.
I believe that NO woman should have to be diagnosed with cancer and wear a dingy, worn out gown to any hospital or doctor's appointment. She should be GIVEN a gown to wear that is nice and makes her feel pretty in spite of what she is enduring. You can read more about that ministry here...Sewing for Tata's.
A pair like these are $50.00 plus shipping and handling cost of $9.95 priority mail. This price is only good through the end of June. More styles to come as I build the business.
You can contact me at kelley@feelthetatas.com to place your order and this type shoe comes in sizes 6/7, 7/8, 9/10. If I can't find this kind in your size the cost of the shoe will be $25.00 more or possibly less if I find them cheaper. OR, you could buy them and mail them to me.
Kelley
Friday, May 2, 2014
The journey back home to Texas
My oldest was accepted to Georgia State. I have been wanting to get back to Texas, but since she was accepted I just decided that I should wait until she got through with college. My youngest lives with her dad. As we started filling out FAFSA forms, going to orientations, visiting the school, etc it just never seemed like that was where she would go. I never mentioned this to her because I wanted to give her my full support.
We went to the BIG on campus orientation and when we got there, there was a panel of students answering questions from new students. One of the students on the panel said that his favorite quote was, "You miss 100% of the shots you don't take." Before the event was even half way over, my daughter told me she was ready to go because she didn't want to miss the shot of going back to Texas. This just confirmed to me that we were supposed to come home.
I grew up in Texas. My older brother and older sister live in Texas. I have an adopted family in Oklahoma and they are a HUGE part of my life. I just can't see myself going the rest of my life being this far from those people. AND, I have lots of friends in Texas!! As soon as we made the decision, God just started opening doors.
We are just following God's lead. It's funny because I am a real planner and very organized. But, when it comes to major moves, I am just lead by the holy spirit, period. We moved from Oklahoma to Seattle, WA without a place to move into when we got there. People thought we were crazy to do that, but God was in it and everything worked out beautifully. We did the same thing, moving from Washington to Georgia. When we moved from Georgia back to Texas the first time, Deryl didn't even have a confirmed job offer! But, each and every single time, God worked everything out.
This time is different because it will just be me and my oldest. I am single now and have to do it all on my own. BUT, I still have God, and he ALWAYS has my back...period. My daughter will stay with my ex sister-in-law. We will be traveling to East Texas to see my sister and to Oklahoma to see our adopted family there. Honestly, when I am not traveling, I have no idea where I will stay.
I am not positive about the city I want to live in yet. I have my own business and can pretty much live wherever I want to. I'm leaning towards McKinney or that vicinity right now so I won't be too far from Oklahoma as I know I will be there often. I am praying God opens the door for me to find someone who has an extra room with a separate entrance or something like that to live during the summer when I am not traveling. Maybe I'll just stay at an extended stay. I work from home so that makes things easy.
When making BIG life changing decisions, I try to be led by my peace and by what feels right. Staying in Georgia doesn't feel right at all. I know God is calling me back to Texas. There are a LOT of details that I just haven't figured out yet. But, I know God is in the details and I trust HIM. So far, as I hand over all my cares and concerns to The Lord, everything has worked itself out. So, we will be heading to Texas on June 4th. I have business in Dallas, so that will take up some of my time in June. But, we are both very excited to see what God has in store for us.
Please pray for wisdom, guidance, provision and for God to provide the perfect place for me to live until I figure out where I want to plant my feet. My daughter will also need guidance and provision to start college in Texas.
Can't wait to see you all!!!! I also can't wait to meet some of my Texas blogger followers and Facebook friends that I haven't met yet!! Let the journey begin!!
Monday, April 21, 2014
How to face depression unmedicated
I suffered with Insomnia for many, many years. I have always been convinced that it all originated from my years of cocaine addiction. I stayed up all night for so many years that I think it just messed me all up.
For many years, LONG after getting clean, I suffered in silence. It got so bad at one point that I would fall asleep with both of the girls on my lap, think I was dreaming, and wake up to discover that it wasn't a dream and that I had really done the things I dreamt about.
Not long after, I got help. I took medication for a year or so. I then quit telling people that I was an insomniac because I knew how very powerful words were. I decided to take myself off the medication and take Benedryl. I spent many countless nights unable to sleep. I literally had to re-train myself on how to sleep. When I woke up in the middle of the night, I would just read or pray until I fell back asleep.
This went on for weeks, but I was determined. And on a side note, many kids who are allowed to sleep with their parents will suffer from insomnia. We MUST learn to get our OWN selves to sleep. ALL OF US!! If not, kids suffer a lifetime of sleeping disorders... I know from personal experience and witnessing this in other kids' lives. Don't believe me? Ask other people you know who have chronic insomnia or whose children have terrible sleeping disorders!!
So anyway, I taught myself how to sleep. I did have to take Benedryl every night, but I could sleep, and every single night I was able to sleep better and better. THEN came my cancer diagnosis. Well, as you can imagine, my thoughts were totally CONSUMED!! My doctors immediately put me back on Ambien, and they put me on Xanax for obvious reasons.
I ended up taking Xanax, Prozac, Ambien, Restoril, and other cancer drugs. ALL of those drugs I listed had a side effect that I had NO clue about. SUICIDAL THOUGTS. When I took my chemotherapy class, they told me that people with a Type A personality were affected the most with severe depression and chemo brain. Well, if you know me, you know that is totally ME. Chemotherapy caused me to fall into a deep, deep, deep depression. I had NO idea it was happening. When I was done with treatment, I knew that I was sad and I had read all the statistics and everything I could expect so I didn't feel too alarmed.
But, many things were combining to create a terrible disaster in my life and I did not see it coming. If I told you every detail, this post would be a book!! So, let me just tell you that after my suicide attempt, the doctors kept me on Prozac and started me on Welbuterin, and pretty much refused to give me any other meds for obvious reasons. The Welbuterin is for people with suicidal thoughts. It worked great.
I didn't know it was the meds at the time. I just thought it was because of all I had been through and maybe it was partly that. There were times where an incident would happen with one of my kids and they would be crying and devastated and I could not care less. Something within me knew that this was wrong, but I had no feelings whatsoever about it. I felt terrible. But I literally had no emotions or feelings at all.
This happened on several occasions and I got very concerned. I am such a researcher. I started Googling to figure out what in the world was wrong with me and it all said I was apathetic. Hell, I had never even heard of that! It described me perfectly. It took me months of studying this to realize that this was me, but yet I still didn't put two and two together to figure out it was the damn medication!!! I thought it was just ME. I beat myself up so bad about this and thought I was a horrible parent and a horrible person.
Okay, so fast forward to my divorce being final. I knew that once my divorce was final, my insurance would be final as well. I called to find out how much these meds would cost me on my own and the medication that prevented suicidal thoughts was close to $100.00 a month!! JUST FOR THAT ONE!!
SO, I prayed my heart out about the situation. My conclusion was that I stopped smoking years and years prior COLD TURKEY. I quit drinking when I was a full blown alcoholic COLD TURKEY. And, I quit a major drug addiction the same way... COLD TURKEY. Surely, if I could do that, I could do this.
I had actually tried several times to take myself off the meds thinking I didn't really need them. Three times, on about day 5, I stayed in my bed, pulling my covers over my head wanting to end my life. Luckily, I had a friend who was not afraid to confront me. I must say that this person is the only person in my life strong enough to take me head on.
The first time, she sat at the end of my bed and didn't leave until I had worked myself through it. The next couple of times wasn't as severe. Each time it got easier. Each time I got better and better at realizing that it was only a brief time.
Let me explain. I wrote a guest blog post about how we have to "Just wait". Part One is here, http://ow.ly/vYAAU and Part Two is here, http://ow.ly/vYAEC. I basically came to the conclusion that when things get tough and the thought of suicide came to my mind, I could just "wait" it out. These depression/suicide "spells" didn't last too long. I just had to FORCE myself to ride it out. It might be four or five hours or so, but sometimes what I kept discovering was that it usually wasn't even that long.
SO, although I faced some serious hours of depression, I made it through.
But, what I am telling you is that it is possible. I am in a position right now where I cannot afford Obama Care nor can I afford to pay for the medication out of pocket. And I wonder to myself how many countless others are also in my exact position.
Is this a walk in the park? A piece of cake? NO, it is not. I struggle some days very, very much. I don't want pity, but the fact is that I don't have a mother or father, where I can just pick up the phone and call them to lean on. I can't call them for financial assistance. I know I have the Lord, but now that I am divorced, I have to figure things out for myself. But, it is good for me and it empowers me. I must admit that I have never before in my entire Christian walk felt as comforted by God like I do now. I literally feel like I am cradled in the palm of his hands.
The more time and space that gets between me and my suicide/near death experience, the more normal I feel. The longer I am completely medication free, the better I feel. I feel CLEAR. I no longer feel numb. I find myself at the beginning stages of feeling again. I go to the movies now and sometimes feel a tear coming on. That might not seem like much to you, but it is a really big deal for me.
Now don't get me wrong, I still face moments where I get upset with God for letting me be found and for allowing me to wake up alive. But, the person I am now would absolutely NEVER concoct a suicide plan....EVER. And those thoughts are very few and far between. One thing I have learned is that if I am struggling, I just need to find something to do, pray, journal, just wait it out. Each and every single time, I am totally fine within a few hours.
I must admit that it would be much easier to be on medication. I actually miss being even keeled. I am thankful for the time I was on the medication because I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that I would NOT be here today if I wouldn't have been on them. I just want to share my personal journey so others know that there is hope for them.
I will blog more on this subject later....don't want to write a book here!! Thanks for reading and please share with anyone you think this will help.
For many years, LONG after getting clean, I suffered in silence. It got so bad at one point that I would fall asleep with both of the girls on my lap, think I was dreaming, and wake up to discover that it wasn't a dream and that I had really done the things I dreamt about.
Not long after, I got help. I took medication for a year or so. I then quit telling people that I was an insomniac because I knew how very powerful words were. I decided to take myself off the medication and take Benedryl. I spent many countless nights unable to sleep. I literally had to re-train myself on how to sleep. When I woke up in the middle of the night, I would just read or pray until I fell back asleep.
This went on for weeks, but I was determined. And on a side note, many kids who are allowed to sleep with their parents will suffer from insomnia. We MUST learn to get our OWN selves to sleep. ALL OF US!! If not, kids suffer a lifetime of sleeping disorders... I know from personal experience and witnessing this in other kids' lives. Don't believe me? Ask other people you know who have chronic insomnia or whose children have terrible sleeping disorders!!
So anyway, I taught myself how to sleep. I did have to take Benedryl every night, but I could sleep, and every single night I was able to sleep better and better. THEN came my cancer diagnosis. Well, as you can imagine, my thoughts were totally CONSUMED!! My doctors immediately put me back on Ambien, and they put me on Xanax for obvious reasons.
I ended up taking Xanax, Prozac, Ambien, Restoril, and other cancer drugs. ALL of those drugs I listed had a side effect that I had NO clue about. SUICIDAL THOUGTS. When I took my chemotherapy class, they told me that people with a Type A personality were affected the most with severe depression and chemo brain. Well, if you know me, you know that is totally ME. Chemotherapy caused me to fall into a deep, deep, deep depression. I had NO idea it was happening. When I was done with treatment, I knew that I was sad and I had read all the statistics and everything I could expect so I didn't feel too alarmed.
But, many things were combining to create a terrible disaster in my life and I did not see it coming. If I told you every detail, this post would be a book!! So, let me just tell you that after my suicide attempt, the doctors kept me on Prozac and started me on Welbuterin, and pretty much refused to give me any other meds for obvious reasons. The Welbuterin is for people with suicidal thoughts. It worked great.
My biggest complaint was that I couldn't cry. I mean, I literally could NOT cry. I was numb.
I didn't know it was the meds at the time. I just thought it was because of all I had been through and maybe it was partly that. There were times where an incident would happen with one of my kids and they would be crying and devastated and I could not care less. Something within me knew that this was wrong, but I had no feelings whatsoever about it. I felt terrible. But I literally had no emotions or feelings at all.
This happened on several occasions and I got very concerned. I am such a researcher. I started Googling to figure out what in the world was wrong with me and it all said I was apathetic. Hell, I had never even heard of that! It described me perfectly. It took me months of studying this to realize that this was me, but yet I still didn't put two and two together to figure out it was the damn medication!!! I thought it was just ME. I beat myself up so bad about this and thought I was a horrible parent and a horrible person.
Okay, so fast forward to my divorce being final. I knew that once my divorce was final, my insurance would be final as well. I called to find out how much these meds would cost me on my own and the medication that prevented suicidal thoughts was close to $100.00 a month!! JUST FOR THAT ONE!!
SO, I prayed my heart out about the situation. My conclusion was that I stopped smoking years and years prior COLD TURKEY. I quit drinking when I was a full blown alcoholic COLD TURKEY. And, I quit a major drug addiction the same way... COLD TURKEY. Surely, if I could do that, I could do this.
I had actually tried several times to take myself off the meds thinking I didn't really need them. Three times, on about day 5, I stayed in my bed, pulling my covers over my head wanting to end my life. Luckily, I had a friend who was not afraid to confront me. I must say that this person is the only person in my life strong enough to take me head on.
The first time, she sat at the end of my bed and didn't leave until I had worked myself through it. The next couple of times wasn't as severe. Each time it got easier. Each time I got better and better at realizing that it was only a brief time.
Let me explain. I wrote a guest blog post about how we have to "Just wait". Part One is here, http://ow.ly/vYAAU and Part Two is here, http://ow.ly/vYAEC. I basically came to the conclusion that when things get tough and the thought of suicide came to my mind, I could just "wait" it out. These depression/suicide "spells" didn't last too long. I just had to FORCE myself to ride it out. It might be four or five hours or so, but sometimes what I kept discovering was that it usually wasn't even that long.
SO, although I faced some serious hours of depression, I made it through.
I AM NOT SUGGESTING THAT ANYONE, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES quit taking anti-depressants cold turkey.
But, what I am telling you is that it is possible. I am in a position right now where I cannot afford Obama Care nor can I afford to pay for the medication out of pocket. And I wonder to myself how many countless others are also in my exact position.
Is this a walk in the park? A piece of cake? NO, it is not. I struggle some days very, very much. I don't want pity, but the fact is that I don't have a mother or father, where I can just pick up the phone and call them to lean on. I can't call them for financial assistance. I know I have the Lord, but now that I am divorced, I have to figure things out for myself. But, it is good for me and it empowers me. I must admit that I have never before in my entire Christian walk felt as comforted by God like I do now. I literally feel like I am cradled in the palm of his hands.
The more time and space that gets between me and my suicide/near death experience, the more normal I feel. The longer I am completely medication free, the better I feel. I feel CLEAR. I no longer feel numb. I find myself at the beginning stages of feeling again. I go to the movies now and sometimes feel a tear coming on. That might not seem like much to you, but it is a really big deal for me.
Now don't get me wrong, I still face moments where I get upset with God for letting me be found and for allowing me to wake up alive. But, the person I am now would absolutely NEVER concoct a suicide plan....EVER. And those thoughts are very few and far between. One thing I have learned is that if I am struggling, I just need to find something to do, pray, journal, just wait it out. Each and every single time, I am totally fine within a few hours.
I must admit that it would be much easier to be on medication. I actually miss being even keeled. I am thankful for the time I was on the medication because I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that I would NOT be here today if I wouldn't have been on them. I just want to share my personal journey so others know that there is hope for them.
I will blog more on this subject later....don't want to write a book here!! Thanks for reading and please share with anyone you think this will help.
Tuesday, April 1, 2014
MISSING PERSON ALERT!! NAME: DERYL M.
A little more than three years ago my husband went missing. I wonder if you've seen him anywhere. My husband and my children's father cannot be found. We see someone who looks kinda similar to him occasionally and every once in a while we think it might be him. But those glimpses are only a very rare occasion.
You see, we miss him dearly. He was the perfect man to us. Honestly, if you are a longtime reader of my blog, you know I wrote many a post about me having the better end of the marriage. He rolled out the red carpet for me. We could talk for hours on end. He cherished me...or so I thought. We laughed so much together. My oldest daughter was 14 years old before she ever witnessed us have a serious disagreement/argument. We did absolutely EVERYTHING together. We didn't want to spend our time apart....EVER. We were best friends.
We would go to marriage seminars time after time and end up leaving because literally every single thing they said couples had problems with, we NEVER had those struggles. And everything they would encourage couples to do, we already did and then some. Marriage was so easy for us. It was wonderful. We were so happy. When I had cancer, he was my rock. He was absolutely amazing.
Oh, and what an amazing father. He would put the kids to sleep every single night. It was such a big help and gave me such a great break. I loved not having that responsibility. He would talk to the girls and pray with them before they went to sleep. I loved hearing them say "Daddy, come pray with me!"
I remember one night he was out of town and he called to talk to me. He was in the same room as his boss. One of the girls happened to be right beside me when he called. She asked to talk to him when I was done and just like any other night, she asked him to pray for her and he wouldn't. He said it was because his boss was there. I had a major check in my spirit at that moment. That was a pretty big sign that the man he wanted us to believe he was and the man he really was were two very different people.
I still find myself sometimes in just complete shock and disbelief. How could it be possible for someone to "fake" a close to 20 year relationship? How could you just "pretend" to be happy? How could you go to church week in and week out like everything is fine? How could you minister to others and mentor them in their own marriages? How could you do unimaginable things while being the greatest husband on earth taking care of your sick wife?
I KNOW I have the gift of discernment. I KNOW many others who do as well. How did EVERYONE miss this? I guess we didn't really. It's kinda ironic...we have met tons of people. And ya know, especially in church, I would notice that not a lot of men (leaders especially) took to him. I always wondered why and would actually get very offended by this because I just never understood it.
After the many bombs dropped, I had different couples/people approach me and tell me they always knew something just wasn't right with him. They could never put their finger on it. Several people told me he had very clear signs he was in a full blown addiction. I must say, I am not upset that no one came to me with this information. I'm not upset because I would have never believed them.
I will say that if you see my posts on FB or read my blogs and you have certain "opinions" about me, I ask that you try to at least put yourself in my shoes and see things from my perspective where I am now and also where I've been. I have serious trust issues as you can imagine.
It is hard to recover from this kind of event. It is even harder watching your two daughters try to reason it all out and try to make any sense of it. Like I said, I lost my husband and my children lost their father. I have no doubt it would have been much easier to be widowed. At least then we would have known where he was.
So, if you happen to see him, would you let him know we're looking for him? And the scariest part about that is that we have no earthly idea if that person ever existed.
You see, we miss him dearly. He was the perfect man to us. Honestly, if you are a longtime reader of my blog, you know I wrote many a post about me having the better end of the marriage. He rolled out the red carpet for me. We could talk for hours on end. He cherished me...or so I thought. We laughed so much together. My oldest daughter was 14 years old before she ever witnessed us have a serious disagreement/argument. We did absolutely EVERYTHING together. We didn't want to spend our time apart....EVER. We were best friends.
We would go to marriage seminars time after time and end up leaving because literally every single thing they said couples had problems with, we NEVER had those struggles. And everything they would encourage couples to do, we already did and then some. Marriage was so easy for us. It was wonderful. We were so happy. When I had cancer, he was my rock. He was absolutely amazing.
Oh, and what an amazing father. He would put the kids to sleep every single night. It was such a big help and gave me such a great break. I loved not having that responsibility. He would talk to the girls and pray with them before they went to sleep. I loved hearing them say "Daddy, come pray with me!"
I remember one night he was out of town and he called to talk to me. He was in the same room as his boss. One of the girls happened to be right beside me when he called. She asked to talk to him when I was done and just like any other night, she asked him to pray for her and he wouldn't. He said it was because his boss was there. I had a major check in my spirit at that moment. That was a pretty big sign that the man he wanted us to believe he was and the man he really was were two very different people.
I still find myself sometimes in just complete shock and disbelief. How could it be possible for someone to "fake" a close to 20 year relationship? How could you just "pretend" to be happy? How could you go to church week in and week out like everything is fine? How could you minister to others and mentor them in their own marriages? How could you do unimaginable things while being the greatest husband on earth taking care of your sick wife?
I KNOW I have the gift of discernment. I KNOW many others who do as well. How did EVERYONE miss this? I guess we didn't really. It's kinda ironic...we have met tons of people. And ya know, especially in church, I would notice that not a lot of men (leaders especially) took to him. I always wondered why and would actually get very offended by this because I just never understood it.
After the many bombs dropped, I had different couples/people approach me and tell me they always knew something just wasn't right with him. They could never put their finger on it. Several people told me he had very clear signs he was in a full blown addiction. I must say, I am not upset that no one came to me with this information. I'm not upset because I would have never believed them.
I will say that if you see my posts on FB or read my blogs and you have certain "opinions" about me, I ask that you try to at least put yourself in my shoes and see things from my perspective where I am now and also where I've been. I have serious trust issues as you can imagine.
It is hard to recover from this kind of event. It is even harder watching your two daughters try to reason it all out and try to make any sense of it. Like I said, I lost my husband and my children lost their father. I have no doubt it would have been much easier to be widowed. At least then we would have known where he was.
So, if you happen to see him, would you let him know we're looking for him? And the scariest part about that is that we have no earthly idea if that person ever existed.
Wednesday, March 12, 2014
My first tattoo!!!!
WOW!! Where do I start? I have always loved tattoos....on OTHER people. I have always "thought" about getting one but just couldn't do it because it was just TOO permanent. After going through cancer, I kind of thought about getting a breast cancer ribbon but just didn't want to be like everyone else. So, my best friend and I decided a long time ago that if we ever got one, we would get one together.
I occasionally look at tattoos but just haven't ever seen any I liked enough to permanently put on my body. I was researching some things the other day online and came across "The Semi-colon project". OMG!! I couldn't believe I had NEVER heard of this!! Here is an excerpt that I read...
"A semicolon is used when an author could have ended a sentence but decided not to. I am the author and the sentence is my life."
Although I was the one that decided to take my life, God decided not to. The moment I saw this, I immediately sent a text my bestie and said "LET'S DO THIS!!" At the time, I had every intention of just getting the semi-colon on my wrist. Throughout the day, on the day we had our appointments to get them done, I just couldn't stop thinking of my life and how much meaning this tattoo would have. Anyone who knows me knows that I DO NOT like to follow the crowd. I like creating a path of my own. I like creating and defining myself. So, I just kept thinking of other ideas and knew it would be different but I wanted it to have a very deep meaning. And I just had to incorporate a ribbon somehow for breast cancer.
When sharing my story I always start it by saying "I am a breast cancer and suicide survivor". So, I knew I needed the word survivor in the tattoo. I also like the infinity symbol but I don't really believe anything lasts forever. I also like the ribbon but don't like the Pepto color at all and just don't like the full ribbon. So my oldest daughter got to drawing. She incorporated EVERYTHING that I was thinking into this amazing tattoo!!
After I got out of the hospital, I obviously told those close to me how sorry I was for trying to commit suicide. I know both of my daughters were upset by what I did but I think I hurt my oldest very deeply and it made her very afraid I might do it again. I told her so many times I was sorry and although I knew that she knew on some level how terrible I felt about it, she was still very wounded.
So, I can't even begin to put into words what it was like for HER to design something that would go on my body and stay there FOREVER. It brought so much healing to both of us. God is just so good. He works ALL things together for our good.
Another VERY cool thing is that I have never had a logo created for Feel the Tatas because I just didn't want another breast cancer ribbon. But this will now become my logo for Feel the Tatas and Sewing for Tatas. So, Survivor Warrior will be replaced with the other words!!!! I'm SO excited how this is all coming together!!
Here are some pics!!
Tattoo artist:
Cam Yeomans
Find him here on Facebook!!
See more of his work here on Instagram!!
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Thursday, February 20, 2014
How I created myself and ruined your view of what a Christian "should" be like.
Trust me, I'm just like you. You might not admit it to anyone else but I know if you are reading this you can relate to me and we have similarities. Usually, people that are drawn to you are like you in some way. The old me, like a lot of other people, I think, came across differently to different groups of people. SO, if I was with my best friend, I was one way. If I was at church, I was another way. When I was at work I was another way. Now, don't get ahead of yourself and judge me.... I'm not saying I was like a hypocrite per say. What I am saying is that I couldn't be the person I am now in ALL settings.
Let me give you an example. If I was around my sister, I would never have a glass of wine or dare mention that I ever did. Why? She doesn't like it or believe in it. Why did I care? I'm not sure, really. Guess I didn't want to let her down. Another example would be at a place I worked where they were EXTREMELY legalistic, totally right winged, rigid Christians that I seriously try to steer clear of now at ALL costs. BUT, that was my job. Anyway, I had to "fit in" and I really don't know of any other way to put it. I was completely terrified to blog about my suicide attempt and struggles for fear of judgment, gossip and ridicule. I know you get my drift. I could give you tons of examples, but I think you know exactly what I mean.
I did all of these things, when I cared. Now, the only thing I care about is being ME. I want to be raw, real, true, authentic and whatever lies in between. I just want to be me and THAT is so very freeing. Look, you either like me, you love me or you hate me. Really makes no difference to me. I've never really been a people pleaser or anything but when I look back at the person I was before I was diagnosed with cancer and compare that to the person I am now..... WOW!!
I was thinking about blogging all week and wondering what I would write about. I thought about this topic and as I started mulling it over, I imagined cussing in the blog post. My mind IMMEDIATELY thought of a dozen or so people that I know read my writings and I have absolutely NO doubt whatsoever they would have a negative or critical thought if they read curse words in this blog. So, that is when I decided to write this damn post!! Ha, ha.
You see, I DO have a glass of wine and you know what? I like it. I don't get plastered and wasted and such, but if I did, it's my business. I used to judge people who cussed and drank and did anything that I was taught was a "sin". When I tried to commit suicide and was in the hospital for days on end, I woke up and I think the first sentence out of my mouth after over a decade of NEVER uttering a curse word was, "You have GOT to be F!@*ING kidding me!!" I dropped the "F" bomb probably 100 times that day. My pastor's assistant came to see me and I used that word repeatedly. Now mind you, I don't have hardly any memory of this. My best friend told me.
I do remember when I finally really came to that I kept using that word. It was like a coping mechanism. You may or may not understand that, but it worked for me. Used to, I would have been so worried about what you or anyone else would have thought, but those days are freakin' GONE. I'm not trying to be mean or hateful. But what I am trying to say is that too many people live their lives according to how they "think" different groups of people "think" they should act and I have come to realize that that is ridiculous!!
Living your life that way can make you SICK. You have ONE person to answer for and that is YOU. You were put in this world to live ONE life. I love blogging because you have NO doubt who I am, what I am like, or what I stand for or believe in.
Someone paid me the greatest compliment the other day. They told me that nearly every woman out there can relate to me on some level because of the things I have been through. And the only way that is true is because I share EVERYTHING. I say the things others only "think" because it is such a relief to hear someone say the very thoughts you have thought yourself and realize you are not alone.
I may never, ever know how many lives I have touched through this blog and with me being as raw and real as I am but I know God has called me to do it. And you know what? I AM A CHRISTIAN. I may not be the version of a Christian that you have in your head. But don't you DARE tell me I'm going to hell or that I'm not living my life right. I serve the same God you do. I have a relationship with him and I am not superior or inferior to anyone. I love God with all my heart and he is my absolute EVERYTHING. I like my life. I like how I am living it. I am at peace.
It astounds me to see so called Christians point out other people's sins. I just do not get it. We are ALL sinners. So for anyone to go tell me about my sin regardless of how big they might think that sin is while smoking or judging or gossiping or stealing office supplies at work or whatever, is completely WRONG.
I may look back and read this 5 years from now and wonder, "What in the hell was I thinking?" But no matter what, I'll be glad I was true to who I was at the time. I'll be glad I wasn't a people pleaser. People pleasers are really Self-pleasers and I just don't want to spend my days living like that.
SO, I guess I should get off this soap box. My advice to you is this, be yourself. Have tact, but be you. I understand that who you are at home and who you are in a business meeting are very different. But be as authentic as you can. Don't hide. Who knows how many people you rub shoulders with each and every single day that needs to hear your story. Go out and be who God created you to be. YOU are God's gift to the world. And NO one can fulfill that destiny, but YOU.
Let me give you an example. If I was around my sister, I would never have a glass of wine or dare mention that I ever did. Why? She doesn't like it or believe in it. Why did I care? I'm not sure, really. Guess I didn't want to let her down. Another example would be at a place I worked where they were EXTREMELY legalistic, totally right winged, rigid Christians that I seriously try to steer clear of now at ALL costs. BUT, that was my job. Anyway, I had to "fit in" and I really don't know of any other way to put it. I was completely terrified to blog about my suicide attempt and struggles for fear of judgment, gossip and ridicule. I know you get my drift. I could give you tons of examples, but I think you know exactly what I mean.
I did all of these things, when I cared. Now, the only thing I care about is being ME. I want to be raw, real, true, authentic and whatever lies in between. I just want to be me and THAT is so very freeing. Look, you either like me, you love me or you hate me. Really makes no difference to me. I've never really been a people pleaser or anything but when I look back at the person I was before I was diagnosed with cancer and compare that to the person I am now..... WOW!!
I was thinking about blogging all week and wondering what I would write about. I thought about this topic and as I started mulling it over, I imagined cussing in the blog post. My mind IMMEDIATELY thought of a dozen or so people that I know read my writings and I have absolutely NO doubt whatsoever they would have a negative or critical thought if they read curse words in this blog. So, that is when I decided to write this damn post!! Ha, ha.
You see, I DO have a glass of wine and you know what? I like it. I don't get plastered and wasted and such, but if I did, it's my business. I used to judge people who cussed and drank and did anything that I was taught was a "sin". When I tried to commit suicide and was in the hospital for days on end, I woke up and I think the first sentence out of my mouth after over a decade of NEVER uttering a curse word was, "You have GOT to be F!@*ING kidding me!!" I dropped the "F" bomb probably 100 times that day. My pastor's assistant came to see me and I used that word repeatedly. Now mind you, I don't have hardly any memory of this. My best friend told me.
I do remember when I finally really came to that I kept using that word. It was like a coping mechanism. You may or may not understand that, but it worked for me. Used to, I would have been so worried about what you or anyone else would have thought, but those days are freakin' GONE. I'm not trying to be mean or hateful. But what I am trying to say is that too many people live their lives according to how they "think" different groups of people "think" they should act and I have come to realize that that is ridiculous!!
Living your life that way can make you SICK. You have ONE person to answer for and that is YOU. You were put in this world to live ONE life. I love blogging because you have NO doubt who I am, what I am like, or what I stand for or believe in.
Someone paid me the greatest compliment the other day. They told me that nearly every woman out there can relate to me on some level because of the things I have been through. And the only way that is true is because I share EVERYTHING. I say the things others only "think" because it is such a relief to hear someone say the very thoughts you have thought yourself and realize you are not alone.
I may never, ever know how many lives I have touched through this blog and with me being as raw and real as I am but I know God has called me to do it. And you know what? I AM A CHRISTIAN. I may not be the version of a Christian that you have in your head. But don't you DARE tell me I'm going to hell or that I'm not living my life right. I serve the same God you do. I have a relationship with him and I am not superior or inferior to anyone. I love God with all my heart and he is my absolute EVERYTHING. I like my life. I like how I am living it. I am at peace.
It astounds me to see so called Christians point out other people's sins. I just do not get it. We are ALL sinners. So for anyone to go tell me about my sin regardless of how big they might think that sin is while smoking or judging or gossiping or stealing office supplies at work or whatever, is completely WRONG.
I may look back and read this 5 years from now and wonder, "What in the hell was I thinking?" But no matter what, I'll be glad I was true to who I was at the time. I'll be glad I wasn't a people pleaser. People pleasers are really Self-pleasers and I just don't want to spend my days living like that.
SO, I guess I should get off this soap box. My advice to you is this, be yourself. Have tact, but be you. I understand that who you are at home and who you are in a business meeting are very different. But be as authentic as you can. Don't hide. Who knows how many people you rub shoulders with each and every single day that needs to hear your story. Go out and be who God created you to be. YOU are God's gift to the world. And NO one can fulfill that destiny, but YOU.
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