Feeding my OWN self!!

Well, things have been up and down for us. I'm so very grateful to have such a wonderful support system. I could never thank you enough and you know who you all are!

Please remember us in your prayers. The girls are suffering greatly emotionally. This is very hard for two teenagers and a wife who thought their life was better than anyone else's in regards to their relationship with one another for so, so many years. To say we are all in shock would be a huge understatement.

Although I have such a great support system and we wouldn't make it without their prayers and support, I have realized that "I" am responsible for my life and how the rest of it turns out.

What I'm trying to say is that friends and family can pray, they can encourage, they can visit and so on. But "I" have to make myself get up in the morning and I have to not crawl under the covers and hide from the world until all the dust settles.

I have to pray for us and get into God's word and dig deep until I dig my OWN self out if this pit. I have to force myself to get up and open all the blinds and let in the sunshine!! No one can do this for me. Oh how I wish they could but then I'd just go around this mountain probably a million times over.

Today, what I wrote above is what I did for myself. It took me 3.5 hours to get there but here I sit totally at peace with it all. Below are the verses that are helping me right now. I put them in my phone so I can have them at the ready. I hope they will minister to you as well.

Scriptures

Psalms 147:3
He heals the broken heartened, binding up their wounds.

John 14:18
No, I will not abandon you or leave you as orphans in the storm-I will come to you.

Ecc 10:4
A quiet spirit can overcome even great mistakes.

Psalm 5:8
Lead me in the right path, O Lord...tell me clearly what to do, and show me which way to turn.

Psalm 10:17-18
Lord, you know the hopes of the helpless. Surely you will listen to their cries and comfort them. You will bring justice to the orphans and the oppressed, so people can no longer terrify them.

Psalm 25:4-5
Show me the path where I should walk, O Lord; point out the right road for me to follow. Lead me by your truth and teach me, for you are the God who saves me. All day long I put my hope in you.

Psalm 32:8
I will guide you along the best pathway for your life. I will advise you and watch over you.

Proverbs 20:27
The Lord's light penetrates the human spirit, exposing every hidden motive.

Deuteronomy 31:8
Do not be afraid or discouraged, for the Lord will personally go ahead of you. He will be with you; he will neither fail you nor abandon you.

Psalm 34:19
The righteous face many troubles-but The Lord rescues them from each and every one.

Romans 8:28
And we know that God causes everything to work together for the good of those who love God and are called according to his purpose for them.

Romans 8:37
No, despite all these things, overwhelming victory is ours through Christ, who loved us.

Psalm 55:22
Give your burdens to The Lord,
and he will take care of you. He will not permit the godly to slip and fall.

Matthew 11:28-30
Then Jesus said, “Come to me, all of you who are weary and carry heavy burdens, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you. Let me teach you, because I am humble and gentle at heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy to bear, and the burden I give you is light.”

Isaiah 40:31
But those who trust in the Lord will find new strength.They will soar high on wings like eagles.
They will run and not grow weary.
They will walk and not faint.

Proverbs 3:6
Seek his will in all you do, and he will show you which path to take.

Joshua 1:9
This is my command—be strong and courageous! Do not be afraid or discouraged. For the Lord your God is with you wherever you go.”

1 Peter 5:7
Give all your worries and cares to God, for he cares about you.

Romans 15:13
I pray that God, the source of hope, will fill you completely with joy and peace because you trust in him. Then you will overflow with confident hope through the power of the Holy Spirit.

Ephesians 3:20
Now all glory to God, who is able, through his mighty power at work within us, to accomplish infinitely more than we might ask or think.

Isaiah 26:3
You will keep in perfect peace all who trust in you,all whose thoughts are fixed on you!

The Greatest Marriage That Never Was

It's funny how much I used to absolutely love this picture. Now when I look at it, it makes me realize how pictures don't usually tell the real story. When this picture was taken, I had just finished my last chemo treatment a couple of weeks before. Two months after this picture was taken, I discovered that my husbands distant friend.....porn, was about to turn my whole world upside down.

I was SO happy in this photo. I loved him so very much. We had the best marriage of absolutely anyone we knew. We always said that because it was always true. We never fought. Our kids had never even witnessed us ever have an argument. We talked about everything. We talked so much the kids would literally have to say "Can we talk to you now?" We did everything together. So many couples came to us for advice. Many people over the course of our 18 year marriage would say "If they ever get a divorce, we'll never make it." Perfect. Life was just perfect.

While I had cancer, he was the greatest caretaker. We loved each other more and more which we never thought was possible because we loved one another so much. But little did I know, that "good guy image" was only an image portrayed as the greatest guy around. When the chemo fog started to get a little clearer I started noticing something was totally not right in our marriage. I couldn't put my finger on it but I knew it was really, really bad. I started playing private investigator and it didn't take long to uncover that my greatest friend in the world, my soul mate, my caretaker, was not just taking care of me. The rest of that story can be found at www.sometimesshecries.com

We have spent the last two years "working" on our marriage. We've gone to so many counseling sessions that I lost count. Throughout this time I wanted SO desperately to believe my marriage was NOT going to be destroyed by pornography. No way, it just couldn't!! I so believed and still do believe that I was going to speak to women who have gone through this. I thought we would show the world how we got through it. And if we could get through cancer and this devastation, what an awesome testimony we would be for so many countless other couples!

Unfortunately, two months after I uncovered what was going on,  and after we had moved from Texas to Georgia, I went on to discover that it was still going on but to a much greater level than before. Things were happening that I didn't even know existed! All trust was completely gone. Things "seemed" better for a little bit and then it would get worse. We just went on with this awful cycle and I found out it was yet STILL a problem. Needless to say, porn and all that goes with it totally destroyed my marriage and my family. Porn isn't just looking anymore. It takes you to terrible, terrible, terrible places and it is never, ever, ever enough. You literally become a different person. Porn is a spirit of lust. And at its worst can actually be seen on a person. It is so all over them that you know this person is just not the person you know. And it is evident to many others, not just the spouse and children.

I'm sad that this happened but God is showing me that I am still going to touch the lives of many. Even though my marriage didn't survive....I did! My kids did!! So that means I have hope to offer to others.

If you are reading this and you or your spouse has a problem with porn, I beg you to get help. It is not just something that you do that doesn't impact anyone else. It is sin and sin will destroy you. What seems so innocent will take you down roads that you never knew were there. Before long, the person you know and love is so greatly buried deep within a stranger. Don't just be another statistic.

There is so much more to this story and I actually almost did not make it through all of this. Throughout the past two years I fell in a deep dark depression. I too became a person that was unrecognizable to my family and closest friends. But God had other plans for me.

To be continued................

NEED YOU NOW

I have so many words to say in my blog. My heart is in a million pieces but I know God is going to see me through this time until I can get it out. Blogging is so therapeutic for me. Holding it in is destroying me but getting it out at this time will destroy others. So for now, this song is what I am hanging onto.

Please pray for favor and God's provision for us during this difficult time. As well as God to provide me with the perfect job making exactly what I need and that I will love the job and the people.

Having a tough time?

Sometimes as a Christian woman it is hard. Actually, for any Christian...period. I think we as Christians have turned young people and others away from "the church" which in turn makes them doubt all they've ever been taught. In my life alone I have had church experiences that the kids witnessed first hand. Some actually reached out to my girls during a very difficult time. Not to love on them but to find out gossip about what was going on in our lives at the time.

The girls thought these people really and truly cared about them but found out otherwise. We all go to church like we are all okay and we are not. I met with a young lady the other night and I did not know her personally. I shared my story with her first so she could know I could relate to some of the things she is going through. Through that conversation and others I've had this week I just realize that we as Christians have done some real damage to others.

Sure, its nice to go to church and be all smiley, if in fact you really are. And it would irritate others if we went to church down and depressed every week. But what I have said since my diagnosis is that EVERY SINGLE PERSON HAS A STORY. We don't know what someone else is going through and we sure don't come across as a safe person to talk to. Let me stop here and say I am not saying ALL Christians.

My mom grew up pentecostal and her family preached hell, fire and brimstone only! She wasn't near as "religious" as they were. In my generation, I went with the non-denominational type church that wasn't so legalistic and uptight about everything. I just can't stand people who think they are better than you and you know they are standing there talking to you and judging you all at the same time.

Well, my children's generation appear to be very discerning and have the ability to see that going to youth they just go with a bunch of other hypocrites and they ALL have "clicks". This is the message portrayed to our children? Well no wonder they wander off so far away. I myself have been turned off by churches and church people and my husband has never recovered from what someone did to us 5 years ago trying to "help" in the name of God.

We are all human, yes. But I believe the more we are vulnerable and real the more people will be drawn to us. If they look at us and think they see perfection they will never be able to live up to that and might not ever give church or God another shot. I just wish we could all be real with one another.

Speaking for myself, I have realized this week that I am not defined by what or how ANYONE feels about me. My value is found in the God who created me and loves me so much that he gave his only son to die for me. The closer I get to him the more peace I have. Worship is something that gets me to that place. Sometimes when days are hard I look at my watch and tell myself that everything is okay, I just need to make it two more hours, if I do that it will all be fine. If two hours come and I still don't feel that peace I just repeat it. Before long, the more I seek God I am not trying to make it through a couple of minutes or hours. But rather, I am counting how many good days or weeks I am having instead the bad days.

I guess what I'm trying to say is that I encourage everyone young and old to get in a relationship with God himself. Let him reveal himself to you in a fresh new way. Have your own walk with the Lord and not one that belongs someone else. Find your God and learn everything YOU can about him. Rather than doubt all you've ever been taught about him, find him for yourself. God is so faithful. He loves you and cares about you and wants a real relationship with YOU. If you seek him....you WILL find him and your life will never be the same.

Worship is the answer

Well, I know all of you who have followed me from the beginning know that I have struggled to say the least in the past few years. Ya know, anyone who knows me knows that I love God with all my heart and that I know 100% that HE and HE alone is my only hope.

I feel like I blogged my journey from the day I was diagnosed all the way through the hurricane that hit my marriage and then kinda just stopped. Well, not kinda....I guess I really did. It was just a blog here and a blog there. The past year will eventually be told but it just isn't time yet. Most of you reading this know I am just totally raw, open and real so just know that when God releases me, I'll be one bloggin' fool!

But I can say this, over the last 12 months I have let the enemy down right steal my joy, my freedom, my faith, and even myself.  As much as I know my husband cannot meet my needs and only God can, I looked to him to do so and didn't even realize what I was doing. Slowly but surely, one tiny event that lead to another ended up with me basically letting the enemy rule my life and take it right out from under me.

About 4 weeks ago, I started really worshiping God in the mornings before I started any devotions or quiet time. Slowly but surely I just felt myself getting stronger. The scripture came to me "If God be for you, who can be against you." I started hearing this scripture in sermons I would listen to, in books I would read, in my daily devotions, my best friend sent it to me in a text. This week I went into my coworkers office and she having no idea about anything in my life had changed her screen saver to that very scripture.

God started revealing to me that I just MUST surrender to HIM. I MUST. He started whispering in my ear that I MUST trust him, trust him fully, surrender to HIM FULLY. I am such a worshiper and the closer I get to God the more I realized my thought life was ruling me completely. As I would wake up each day and start with worship I realized how much better it made my days. It made my attitude better, it was slowly changing me. Finally, I realized that the answer is worship. We all know this scripture, right?

Philippians 4:8

Finally, brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things.

But how in the heck do we really live that out? Especially since I had totally given the enemy complete dominion over my mind and thoughts. As I worshiped my mind was totally on Jesus, every word, every phrase brought me peace. So I at least realized this was where God wanted me to start and that is where I am at. I don't know who else needed this today but I'm here to tell you that worship is indeed the answer. Are you weary? Are your thoughts out of control? Is fear dominating your life? Then start to worship. Listen to the words. Even if you have to loop a song, do it! There is a song I have been looping all week and it is by Third Day, it is called "I need a miracle." You should go find it on youtube and listen to the words and really soak it in. You'll be blessed, I just know it. 

The real Kelley has been gone for quite some time. And through a series of events that have lead me to this very moment, I will share with you over time, but for now I know deep in my heart that the Kelley the enemy has had in hiding is coming back. I can't wait to see what God has in store for me and my future.  And I know for fact that he has big plans for YOU too.

"Sewing for Tatas" update!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

This is going to be my favorite blog post yet!!!! The first picture is of my dear friend LaVonne. She is close to 70 years old and is one of the volunteers that I manage at my day job. And let me tell you, she runs circles around me! She was the first one in Georgia to start sewing for me. It was her idea to make the little pillows to put under your arms after surgery and you can also use them to protect your stitches from the seat belt. She is awesome, awesome, awesome!!

Next is the second volunteer that I have sewing for me. Her name is Darla and she is SO awesome as well. She actually ordered www.feelthetatas.com tags to put in the gowns and paid for them herself!! What a blessing!!!!

The last picture is of Max. I went to a support group in Dallas called "Sisters". My good breast cancer friend Michael went there as well. My ministry has finally gotten big enough that I was able to send the "Sisters" group a box full of gowns. Max was the first recipient of one of my gowns. Oh, what joy this ministry has brought to me. Cancer sucked, don't get me wrong. But, it brought me to so many wonderful people that I otherwise would have never met in my entire life. I don't blame God. I don't blame chance. I focus on all the wonderful things it did for me. And you know what, it did some wonderful,, wonderful things for me. I met my dear friend Michael who is black. In any other circumstance we would have just passed each other by. But this was a God encounter and I have had SO many other God encounters with other survivors that it is just unreal!!!!

I know most of you follow my blog and know about "Sewing for Tatas". But, the ministry is growing. There are cancer patients EVERYWHERE!! I need monetary donations and/or donations of material. So far, myself, LaVonne and Darla spend our own money to make this ministry happen. A local church had a fund raiser and I was their first recipient of the funds!! It was so exciting. They bought me material and binding tape and stuffing for the pillows as well. It was very, very, exciting.

So, pray for this ministry and/or donate whatever you can! I know you all know someone who has been touched by cancer in their lives. So give back and touch the lives of these cancer patients!! And thank you in advance for your support.

Love,

Kelley

TEMPTATIONS

Meet Lily. Isn't she just adorable? The girls and I went to Wal-mart and there were several signs that said "Maltese/Shitzu puppies for sale". Anytime we see a sign for puppies I never, ever stop. We all know the consequence to stopping just to "look" at a puppy. It's kinda like stopping just to check out a new car.

Our current dog has diabetes and he is the best dog I have ever in my life owned. But he has had a lot of health issues and has cost us an incredible amount of money. I'll be SO sad when he leaves this earth but the thought of going through this again with a dog just does not sound appealing. That is until you hold a sweet little girl like this one pictured in your hands. So calm, so sweet, so irresistible.

Rachel was the worst. She wanted her SO, SO bad. She told me all the reasons we needed her as I backfired with all the reasons we did NOT need her. After we ALL held her and fell in love with her I just knew it was time for me to walk away and go back to the car and pass her off to someone else. I did. Rachel was the last to come to the car. When we got to Wal-mart we just couldn't stop talking about her. I asked the girls what in the world would we name her if we did get her. Rachel came up with the name Lily and it just stuck. Even though we will probably never lay eyes on Lily again, that is her name to us.

Later on that day, I was alone with Heather and we were talking about Lily. What an amazing opportunity for me to parent Heather. I told her that the situation with Lily is EXACTLY like ANY kind of temptation or sin. Temptation with food, alcohol, sex, drugs, gossip, judging, you name it. When we are in the moment it just feels SO RIGHT! It feels so good and wonderful and you feel like you just MUST have it right that instant. Everything in our flesh screams "I want this", "I deserve this", "Why shouldn't I let myself have this?" But it really doesn't last long.

For instance, I want a newer 4 Runner. Mine has 130,000  miles on it and I would really like a new one. But if I went to just "look", I would end up getting one and would probably be unable to resist. We really do know ourselves, if only we would just admit it. Many spouses "lust" for just one look. But then that look turns into much more than just a look. I've gained 30 pounds and have lost 15. But every time I am tempted to eat something I really shouldn't, I have to fight with my flesh to make the right choice. If I don't, I pay no matter what. If I choose to cheat in anything in life, I will pay according to my very own consequences.

I was able to explain this to Heather and fully detail for her how our flesh works and how easily we succumb to it. Isn't that awesome?! My point is that the simple answer is to just walk away. Temptation really doesn't last that long. Try to follow a rule that you determine. Say 15 minutes for example. If you still want that piece of dessert or to go eat seconds after 15 minutes... AFTER you have walked away, then let yourself have it. If the temptation is something bigger like cheating on your spouse, walk away and seek God. Even if you are deciding on a big purchase, if you don't have complete peace, you should walk away. If it is meant to be, it will still be there when you go back.

I have discovered that having two blogs is really, really difficult. I just don't have time to maintain the two. I've always had a huge following on this blog but the other one just has never picked up. SO, I will leave the other one up but I am going to just start updating this one regularly. My story, is my story. It is all intertwined together and I KNOW "Feel the Tatas" was a God idea. So, I at this time feel led to share my life on this blog whether it has anything to do with cancer or not. Do you agree? Please leave me comments. I love hearing what you all have to say. Even though you don't usually say much! But I truly do value every readers opinion. Thank you for being faithful readers to this blog through the good times and the bad, following me all along my journey.

Love to you ALL,

Kelley