In the beginning.....

Well, to start from the beginning, we met in a bar in December of 1993. My mom passed away in April of the same year. Neither one of us were saved. Both of us partied and lead pretty wild lifestyles. In April of 1994 I walked into a club one night and just looked around at the people. As I looked around it was like I saw them completely differently. I thought to myself how if I kept living this lifestyle, I would become just like them. I went to him and told him I was going to start going to church. Much to my surprise, since he didn't even believe in God, he said he would go with me.

We both went and within a matter of weeks we had both given our lives to the Lord and were attending church regularly. I knew about porn in his life when I met him. I am SUCH a black and white person. I guess even way back then that I just assumed that once you got saved, those sinful desires went away. We both immediately wanted to stop cussing, we quit drinking and partying, we totally changed all the friends we hung around. We changed EVERYTHING.....or so I thought.

One thing my mom always, always told me was that if a man will lie to you about something ridiculous you can bank on it that he will lie about the big stuff. We weren't even married yet and these little lies were already apparent. I should have listened to my gut then, however, I think everything happened the way it was supposed to. But anyway, the first time porn showed back up was when my oldest was 15 months old. I accidentally pushed some button on the keyboard of my computer (GOD!!!) and the entire history of any website viewed with the times, links and how much time was spent on each site, was on my computer screen. He later told me that God had been telling him to tell me the truth for weeks but he just couldn't bring himself to do it. I had a miscarriage in between my two girls. I had that miscarriage on my third wedding anniversary. As I went through all the info I had just discovered on the computer I realized that he had been viewing porn for quite some time. Pretty much from the moment we got the computer. But the first stab to my heart was when I discovered that he spent the whole evening and night of our anniversary and the death of my not 1st, but 2nd child to die, looking at pornography.

Looking back on all that has happened, I see that this should have been my very first sign of how porn/sex addiction can make a person. It is a totally and completely self-serving addiction that feeds the ego. And the ego always needs more and more and more. I can look back and see the lengths someone who is addicted will go through to get their sin. I just had NO earthly idea what I was in store for.

That story will continue in future posts but as for today and how we are doing....well, we are afraid. I still don't have a job. We have to be out of our house by May 1st and I try to not be gripped by fear. Monday mornings are absolutely terrible for me. I've been with the kids all weekend and have tried to pour into them and play the roles of mom and dad. Then Monday morning comes and I'm here all alone to think about the reality of what is known as "My life". But last night someone left a comment that was really encouraging. And it was by someone I have never even met. I thank God for people like that because if you follow my blog and are a faithful reader but I don't know you, I would never know how you felt. And it really does help me a lot. I know sometimes God uses other people to encourage us when we need it most.Then this morning I woke up and just heard myself saying "I'm so afraid, I'm just so afraid." When I realized what I was saying I just started saying out loud..."Do not be afraid!" I just said that out loud anytime any other thought crossed my mind that disagreed with that. And wow! It really helped me.

My goal is to just stay focused on this moment right now. Because right now I am healthy, the kids are healthy, we have clothes to wear, food to eat, a car to drive and a roof over our heads. Got to stay focused on the positive. I cannot, under any circumstances give up hope.