When standards hurt

Anyone who knows me knows that I have a type A personality, I'm rough around the edges, I'm frank, I'm a perfectionist.....I think you get the picture.

But I'm also extremely self-aware and always looking on how I can improve. I have always set very high standards for myself. It is as if I reach them, they aren't high enough so I'll keep raising the bar for myself.

I haven't seen this as a negative thing but rather a challenge for myself. It's a way to strive for excellence in all areas I'm able to do so.

However, there is someone in my life right now that does this as well. With me being on the other end if this type person, I see that it would be IMPOSSIBLE to EVER meet their expectations and I know they too will never be able to meet them as well.

This situation has caused me great, great stress. And it's tough handling it as a single mom. I have wondered why God would put me in this situation. It doesn't seem fair and well, it's just very hard and very draining. 

I was driving to my friends house over the weekend and just thinking about how challenging it is to be around someone like this so much.

Clear as day, I heard The Lord say to me that that is exactly how my husband felt for over 19 years.....OUCH, OUCH, OUCH!!!!!!!!

I realized that is EXACTLY how I was/am. I didn't even realize it but I so see how there is nothing I can do in my current situation where I will ever be good enough. That had to have been how he felt for all those years.

That was a very hard pill to swallow. Of course, his standards weren't very high at all obviously. But, what it taught me is that it might be fine to set your own standards high and that's your business. But to expect others to also and then treat them as though they aren't a good person because they don't is unrealistic. 

I'm grateful God revealed this to me. I believe it will not only help me with others in my life but that this will help me as well to not be so hard on myself.

It's kind of like my Diet Coke addiction. You might not like Diet Coke. You may think it causes cancer and is terribly unhealthy for you. But that is YOUR conviction/feelings/opinion, not mine. 

So to "look down" on me for it or to even say anything at all is not your place. If you are a vegetarian, who am I to slight you for it in any way at all? That's what you believe and good for you for living a healthy lifestyle. But why would you get upset with "me" because I eat meat or me get upset with you because you don't?

So, I see that my convictions are just that. And for me to force them on someone else and hold them accountable in as an extreme way that I do myself is having a life that is out of balance. It is having completely unrealistic expectations and very unfair for the other person.

Although difficult, I am glad that I can see within myself areas I need to improve. So, instead of looking at this in a bad way, I just see it like it is. I truly do have high expectations for myself, and by being self-aware and discovering this about myself, I have met the expectations I have set for myself. 

Not only will my life be better because of it but so will countless others I come into contact with!! Thank you Lord for loving me enough to help me get better even when it's sometimes very hard to hear at first.

The best Mother's Day ever!

Where in the world do I start? I guess I'll start by telling you the miracle that happened to me and the girls on Mother's Day. We went over to my best friend's house and went to church with her. I know the pastor and his wife personally and adore both of them and their whole family.

At this time, I had been waking up each and every single morning scared to DEATH and shaking, for months. I had major panic attacks EVERY single day. Well, when I went to church that day, it was just exactly what I needed to hear. After the service I decided to go up for prayer. The pastor's son prayed for me first. Then the pastor's wife prayed for me. The strangest thing is that I really didn't feel anything or have any kind of "supernatural" experience.

When I had walked up for prayer, the girls were waiting for me in the pew. The pastor's wife spoke so many awesome things over me and said a really good prayer but I still didn't "feel" anything. When we were done and I went back to my seat, I realized that the girls had gone up for prayer as well! I turned around and they were crying, I was crying, it was just a big cry fest!! Rachel looked at me and said that this Mother's Day could have ended up very, very different had God not shown up on the scene of our lives. (more to come on that later)

The pastor prayed over the girls while he was holding onto them tight. He looked them both straight in the eyes and told them how awesome they are. He told them that it doesn't matter what their earthy father does at all because God loves them SO much and that HE will NEVER, EVER leave them or forsake them. From that day forward, every morning I would say out loud, "Thank you Lord for healing me, delivering me and for setting me free. From that day forward, all three of us have truly been set free. I guess we just had a divine "God" moment where we totally and completely felt his mercy, his grace and his overwhelming love for us.Since that day, not one of us have been the same.

Ya know, I know I have SO very much within me that I have yet to blog about out of fear of the whole world knowing my junk. But most of you here already know my junk! But, there is so much that makes "me" well.....ME. I know I have within me the ability to change people's lives in profound ways. I know I am supposed to leave an everlasting mark on this world. I know God is calling me to HUGE things. I'm just waiting. But sometimes I feel afraid for some reason. I think it is because I have known all these things for so long but now I feel in my spirit that its much closer than I thought to becoming a reality.

I know there are very many deep, deep areas that I can so relate to and minister to people about. My heart is truly, truly, truly for everyone reading this and so many others. There is NO way that I will let ANYTHING stop me from sharing my story and experiences with others. My heart is to help, encourage and give people hope. I'm finally on the other side of some things I couldn't for the life of me see ever getting any better. I was completely 100% hopeless. I was in the darkest place of my ENTIRE life and by just hanging on, I got to see and experience some amazing things.

I just want to say thank you for those of you who send me messages when I don't blog and you ask me to. I'm so, so, grateful and honored by that. Please know that you have my permission to contact me through my blog at ANY time. I'm here for you. You can send me a message anonymously if you need to. Share your stories with me. I'm just a person somewhere across the world that you don't even see. I truly want to help you. I know so many people struggle with MANY different things. It may be your finances, the loss of a loved one, problems in your marriage or difficult situations at work. It may even be deeper than that. It may be that you are at the end of your rope and think you cannot make it through the next 24 hours. Whatever...and I mean WHATEVER it may be, you can reach out to me. I desire so deep within me to let the things I have personally gone through to help others get through what they are going through. SO, hit me up! I'd love to hear from you. Really......I do!! And you won't be bothering me at all. I really helps me when I get to help others. Being able to help you takes my mind of of my own stuff.        

Will you do me a favor and share my blog with your friends? Thanks so much.