I......AM A SUICIDE..... SURVIVOR

I wondered when this day would finally come. I've known for a very, very long time it would. I've been waiting on the Lord to direct me as to when the timing was right to tell this story. There is just no way possible to tell it in one post. As most of you know, I will indeed be writing a book about my life and you will just have to get all the details in sequential order then. But this is the most recent event....

When I discovered after my last chemo treatment in October, 2010...with no hair and no boobs...that my husband had been screwing around and doing SO many unmentionables, something within my entire being changed. I cannot even explain it. But I felt something. There was some kind of shift in my mind and I literally felt it. I would never ever be the same again.

We immediately went to counseling and the counselor turned around and told every private thing I had shared with him to my pastor. ONE, the pastor listened....TWO....it was completely UNETHICAL for a therapist to do so. I should have sued his ass for all I could but that is just not my heart. I decided to leave vengeance to the Lord. I heard repeatedly that everyone just wanted "what was best for me". But ya know, NO ONE knows what is best for me except ME and MY GOD....PERIOD!! The rest of that story is several more blogs in itself.

After finding out about the infidelity that occurred while I was fighting for my life, I was stuck.....totally stuck. Because of some other life events that will be told in my book, I didn't have a job, my husband got miraculously transferred to another state with a great company and so the kid's and I packed up and went with him. Oh, I knew he was a sorry dog but like I said, I was totally stuck with no choices. We left and we spent the next two years in counseling.

I discerned very strongly that he had not changed a bit. He was a person that was completely and totally 100% unrecognizable to me, my children and absolutely ANYONE who knew him. His beliefs were completely out  of whack and I don't think he even knew what he believed and I to this very day know for a fact that he STILL has no idea what his beliefs are. What I do know is that the enemy has him under his control.

During the two years of counseling, every single week that went by was complete torture. I wanted SO desperately to believe that he felt true remorse for all the shit he had put me and the kids through. That just never, ever happened. He just grew more distant, he became an even bigger jerk, more heartless, more cruel, on and on. Over time I felt so strongly in my spirit that he had not changed a bit. I just knew he was worse than ever before. To make a VERY long story a little shorter, I discovered some lies that he had told and that was the last straw.

The more I realized that he was still lying and cheating the more depressed I got. I honestly had no idea how depressed I was or how deep the spiral I was on was taking me. The only way to describe it is that I was NOT me anymore and I was living 100% in a deep, dark, terrible depression. It was 24/7, it was a living hell, it was a nightmare that was so intense that I was completely incapable of telling anyone else. I knew there was no way in hell that anyone could understand or know what in the world to do to help me. All I wanted was to end my life.....forever.....period.

When I heard how Whitney Houston died, the thought of overdosing and drowning became my suicide plan. If you have never been suicidal, this won't make a bit of sense to you. But I believe it will make a whole hell of a lot of sense to more people than not. So, I made my plan. I was on lots of medication at the time. I somehow within myself knew that it was only a matter of time before the truth came out about my husband of nearly 20 damn years. And sure enough, it did. I discovered that absolutely nothing had changed. He had even been trying to get a married woman who was a mom of a friend of my daughters to come to my house while me and the girls were out of town celebrating New Years!! I didn't know this at the time but I felt it SO VERY strongly in my gut that I wouldn't even answer his call if he called me because I just somehow KNEW he was doing these deceitful things and I couldn't cope. The only way I could cope was to continue my plan. To map it all out in my head as my way of escape.....I was in complete despair and my suicide plan was the only thing that brought me hope.

I came back from visiting family for the New Year 2013 and on Jan 4th, what I thought was happening was revealed and confirmed. All the lies were starting to unfold. He left the house with the girls and went to the mall. As soon as they were out of sight I hauled it to the package store and purchased Tequila, Ever-clear and  margarita mix. I came home and made me the stiffest drink known to man and filled up my bathtub. I got out all of my pills and started swallowing them by the handfuls. Sick as it might sound, I was happy. I was ready and I was anxious to go and ready to take off out of this life. I took them all, I put on my worship music, I asked God to forgive me and for His will to be done and I got in the extremely full bathtub. I put my head down in the water where only my nose was exposed. My hope was to pass out and drown. And never, ever, ever breathe again.

Unfortunately, my freakin' implants made me float after I was totally passed out from all the meds. Something (God, I'm sure) made Heather think something was really wrong and her and Deryl came home to check on me. Deryl found me not breathing and blue with foam coming out of my mouth. I'm sure if he would have found me alone, he would have let me die. But Heather was there and he called 911 and the ambulance came. This my friends will be the start of my reality in a story form to you. Nothing but the real, raw and total truth. Some may not be able to stomach it for lack better words.

However, after this experience I know without a shadow of a doubt that these words could cost me. These blog posts could cost me potential jobs....potential new business. But one thing I know is that GOD wants me to help people who feel this way and I will do that and continue to do that as long as he tells me to and gives me peace in doing so.

Stay tuned for the rest of the story. If you can relate to this story, please trust me when I say that there is hope for you. I still struggle but will share with you what has helped me. This is a scary topic that no one wants to face. There are resources out there for those who have lost someone to suicide but not near enough for those of us struggling to make it through the next 5 minutes.

You can call me.....you can text me....you can e-mail or message me. THIS is part of my calling. To help you whether I know you personally or not. And you are NOT reading this blog by accident my friend!!

This blog was the absolute hardest blog for me to write....I am scared to even push "Publish"... but I KNOW that lives will be touched AND saved. And that makes it ALL worth it!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I do hope you will start "following" my blog and in-boxing me some encouragement so I know this was the right thing for me to do. I desperately want to hear from you. I am a safe person. And I long to hear your stories. kelley@feelthetatas.com and 404-617-4825.....text me ANYTIME at all.

Kelley