Saturday, July 12, 2014

Life after death

I have discovered many people who have read my blog. It is always interesting and exciting to find out who reads it and keeps up with me. I'm sure I would probably be really surprised to learn just who all reads it.

I have found that a BIG number of teenagers read it. I don't think I ever realized that my story would impact a teenager. I've always had the desire to reach out and help women. But, I am open to helping teens. It saddens me at the amount of them that self-harm and struggle with suicidal thoughts.

Ya know, I have a real issue with attention seekers when it comes to suicide. I don't think it is funny in any way whatsoever. The people I try to reach are the ones who would never tell a soul. The ones who suffer in silence and are out of hope and are in complete desperation. The ones who are at the end of their rope and only just want to end their pain, not their lives.

I know that there are so many people out there who just don't "get" suicidal people at all. I really try to understand their perspective, but it is difficult for me to do. I think it is kind of like the super skinny girl you love to hate. She just eats whatever she wants and just continues to look awesome. She ages and still doesn't gain a pound. How does she do it? She was born with good genes. That girl will probably NEVER struggle with her weight and she will NEVER understand people that struggle with their weight.

I guess that is how people who never really contemplate suicide are when faced with a friend or loved one who has attempted it. I wish I could sit here and say I don't struggle with it anymore. I know that is what people want to hear, but it just isn't that easy. I think often of that day. I sometimes get angry with God for allowing me to live. I know it is a selfish thought, so please don't judge. I would never attempt it again because the pain would be way too great for the people close to me in my life. I am in a much, much better place emotionally and no longer deal with severe depression.

My life after my near death is so different. I'm better in so many ways. I truly believe that the old me died and this new me rose to life. But finding yourself after cancer, infidelity, divorce can be difficult. I am so strong and so very confident in many, many areas of my life. But then there are those places where I am definitely not. Sometimes, I am afraid. I mean, after having another human being take care of you financially for close to twenty years and then having to go it alone, it is quite frightening at times.

My current struggle is my overwhelming desire to never hurt another soul in the way that I have been hurt. But I am afraid it is way out of balance. Sometimes it feels like I would rather destroy and end a relationship before I would be willing to risk hurting someone. It's when I feel these type feelings that I realize the damage that has been done to me emotionally. It's just not a walk in the park. Unless you've been through it yourself, I don't think there is any way to describe what it is like to discover someone you loved with all of your heart for a very long time led a double life. To me, it is just the ultimate betrayal. I would NEVER, EVER under any circumstance want to inflict this kind of pain on anyone else and me be the cause of it...EVER.

I know time heals all wounds and I hope to get better every day. I usually post uplifting stuff and usually after I've gotten through days like today. But, I decided that maybe there are people out there struggling with some of the same things and they need to know this side of it. It helps when you know you aren't alone.

The mind can be a wonderful place, but it can be a terrifying place as well. Tonight I just thought...what the hell, let me just blog about it and get it off my chest. Blogging has been therapy for me for quite some time and who knows, maybe this was meant for a specific person. If so, know you are NOT alone in your struggle.

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