How to face depression unmedicated

I suffered with Insomnia for many, many years. I have always been convinced that it all originated from my years of cocaine addiction. I stayed up all night for so many years that I think it just messed me all up.

For many years, LONG after getting clean, I suffered in silence. It got so bad at one point that I would fall asleep with both of the girls on my lap, think I was dreaming, and wake up to discover that it wasn't a dream and that I had really done the things I dreamt about.

Not long after, I got help. I took medication for a year or so. I then quit telling people that I was an insomniac because I knew how very powerful words were. I decided to take myself off the medication and take Benedryl. I spent many countless nights unable to sleep. I literally had to re-train myself on how to sleep. When I woke up in the middle of the night, I would just read or pray until I fell back asleep.

This went on for weeks, but I was determined. And on a side note, many kids who are allowed to sleep with their parents will suffer from insomnia. We MUST learn to get our OWN selves to sleep. ALL OF US!! If not, kids suffer a lifetime of sleeping disorders... I know from personal experience and witnessing this in other kids' lives. Don't believe me? Ask other people you know who have chronic insomnia or whose children have terrible sleeping disorders!!

So anyway, I taught myself how to sleep. I did have to take Benedryl every night, but I could sleep, and every single night I was able to sleep better and better. THEN came my cancer diagnosis. Well, as you can imagine, my thoughts were totally CONSUMED!! My doctors immediately put me back on Ambien, and they put me on Xanax for obvious reasons.

I ended up taking Xanax, Prozac, Ambien, Restoril, and other cancer drugs. ALL of those drugs I listed had a side effect that I had NO clue about. SUICIDAL THOUGTS. When I took my chemotherapy class, they told me that people with a Type A personality were affected the most with severe depression and chemo brain. Well, if you know me, you know that is totally ME. Chemotherapy caused me to fall into a deep, deep, deep depression. I had NO idea it was happening. When I was done with treatment, I knew that I was sad and I had read all the statistics and everything I could expect so I didn't feel too alarmed.

But, many things were combining to create a terrible disaster in my life and I did not see it coming. If I told you every detail, this post would be a book!! So, let me just tell you that after my suicide attempt, the doctors kept me on Prozac and started me on Welbuterin, and pretty much refused to give me any other meds for obvious reasons. The Welbuterin is for people with suicidal thoughts. It worked great.

My biggest complaint was that I couldn't cry. I mean, I literally could NOT cry. I was numb. 

I didn't know it was the meds at the time. I just thought it was because of all I had been through and maybe it was partly that. There were times where an incident would happen with one of my kids and they would be crying and devastated and I could not care less. Something within me knew that this was wrong, but I had no feelings whatsoever about it. I felt terrible. But I literally had no emotions or feelings at all.

This happened on several occasions and I got very concerned. I am such a researcher. I started Googling to figure out what in the world was wrong with me and it all said I was apathetic. Hell, I had never even heard of that! It described me perfectly. It took me months of studying this to realize that this was me, but yet I still didn't put two and two together to figure out it was the damn medication!!! I thought it was just ME. I beat myself up so bad about this and thought I was a horrible parent and a horrible person.

Okay, so fast forward to my divorce being final. I knew that once my divorce was final, my insurance would be final as well. I called to find out how much these meds would cost me on my own and the medication that prevented suicidal thoughts was close to $100.00 a month!! JUST FOR THAT ONE!!

SO, I prayed my heart out about the situation. My conclusion was that I stopped smoking years and years prior COLD TURKEY. I quit drinking when I was a full blown alcoholic COLD TURKEY. And, I quit a major drug addiction the same way... COLD TURKEY. Surely, if I could do that, I could do this.

I had actually tried several times to take myself off the meds thinking I didn't really need them. Three times, on about day 5, I stayed in my bed, pulling my covers over my head wanting to end my life. Luckily, I had a friend who was not afraid to confront me. I must say that this person is the only person in my life strong enough to take me head on.

The first time, she sat at the end of my bed and didn't leave until I had worked myself through it. The next couple of times wasn't as severe. Each time it got easier. Each time I got better and better at realizing that it was only a brief time.

Let me explain. I wrote a guest blog post about how we have to "Just wait".  Part One is here, http://ow.ly/vYAAU  and Part Two is here, http://ow.ly/vYAEC. I basically came to the conclusion that when things get tough and the thought of suicide came to my mind, I could just "wait" it out. These depression/suicide "spells" didn't last too long. I just had to FORCE myself to ride it out. It might be four or five hours or so, but sometimes what I kept discovering was that it usually wasn't even that long.

SO, although I faced some serious hours of depression, I made it through.

I AM NOT SUGGESTING THAT ANYONE, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES quit taking anti-depressants cold turkey. 

But, what I am telling you is that it is possible. I am in a position right now where I cannot afford Obama Care nor can I afford to pay for the medication out of pocket. And I wonder to myself how many countless others are also in my exact position.

Is this a walk in the park? A piece of cake? NO, it is not. I struggle some days very, very much. I don't want pity, but the fact is that I don't have a mother or father, where I can just pick up the phone and call them to lean on. I can't call them for financial assistance. I know I have the Lord, but now that I am divorced, I have to figure things out for myself. But, it is good for me and it empowers me. I must admit that I have never before in my entire Christian walk felt as comforted by God like I do now. I literally feel like I am cradled in the palm of his hands.

The more time and space that gets between me and my suicide/near death experience, the more normal I feel. The longer I am completely medication free, the better I feel. I feel CLEAR. I no longer feel numb. I find myself at the beginning stages of feeling again. I go to the movies now and sometimes feel a tear coming on. That might not seem like much to you, but it is a really big deal for me.

Now don't get me wrong, I still face moments where I get upset with God for letting me be found and for allowing me to wake up alive. But, the person I am now would absolutely NEVER concoct a suicide plan....EVER. And those thoughts are very few and far between. One thing I have learned is that if I am struggling, I just need to find something to do, pray, journal, just wait it out. Each and every single time, I am totally fine within a few hours.

I must admit that it would be much easier to be on medication. I actually miss being even keeled. I am thankful for the time I was on the medication because I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that I would NOT be here today if I wouldn't have been on them. I just want to share my personal journey so others know that there is hope for them.

I will blog more on this subject later....don't want to write a book here!! Thanks for reading and please share with anyone you think this will help.

MISSING PERSON ALERT!! NAME: DERYL M.

A little more than three years ago my husband went missing. I wonder if you've seen him anywhere. My husband and my children's father cannot be found. We see someone who looks kinda similar to him occasionally and every once in a while we think it might be him. But those glimpses are only a very rare occasion.

You see, we miss him dearly. He was the perfect man to us. Honestly, if you are a longtime reader of my blog, you know I wrote many a post about me having the better end of the marriage. He rolled out the red carpet for me. We could talk for hours on end. He cherished me...or so I thought. We laughed so much together. My oldest daughter was 14 years old before she ever witnessed us have a serious disagreement/argument. We did absolutely EVERYTHING together. We didn't want to spend our time apart....EVER. We were best friends.

We would go to marriage seminars time after time and end up leaving because literally every single thing they said couples had problems with, we NEVER had those struggles. And everything they would encourage couples to do, we already did and then some. Marriage was so easy for us. It was wonderful. We were so happy. When I had cancer, he was my rock. He was absolutely amazing. 

Oh, and what an amazing father. He would put the kids to sleep every single night. It was such a big help and gave me such a great break. I loved not having that responsibility. He would talk to the girls and pray with them before they went to sleep. I loved hearing them say "Daddy, come pray with me!"

I remember one night he was out of town and he called to talk to me. He was in the same room as his boss. One of the girls happened to be right beside me when he called. She asked to talk to him when I was done and just like any other night, she asked him to pray for her and he wouldn't. He said it was because his boss was there. I had a major check in my spirit at that moment. That was a pretty big sign that the man he wanted us to believe he was and the man he really was were two very different people.

I still find myself sometimes in just complete shock and disbelief. How could it be possible for someone to "fake" a close to 20 year relationship? How could you just "pretend" to be happy? How could you go to church week in and week out like everything is fine? How could you minister to others and mentor them in their own marriages? How could you do unimaginable things while being the greatest husband on earth taking care of your sick wife?

I KNOW I have the gift of discernment. I KNOW many others who do as well. How did EVERYONE miss this? I guess we didn't really. It's kinda ironic...we have met tons of people. And ya know, especially in church, I would notice that not a lot of men (leaders especially) took to him. I always wondered why and would actually get very offended by this because I just never understood it.

After the many bombs dropped, I had different couples/people approach me and tell me they always knew something just wasn't right with him. They could never put their finger on it. Several people told me he had very clear signs he was in a full blown addiction. I must say, I am not upset that no one came to me with this information. I'm not upset because I would have never believed them.

I will say that if you see my posts on FB or read my blogs and you have certain "opinions" about me, I ask that you try to at least put yourself in my shoes and see things from my perspective where I am now and also where I've been. I have serious trust issues as you can imagine.

It is hard to recover from this kind of event. It is even harder watching your two daughters try to reason it all out and try to make any sense of it. Like I said, I lost my husband and my children lost their father. I have no doubt it would have been much easier to be widowed. At least then we would have known where he was.

So, if you happen to see him, would you let him know we're looking for him? And the scariest part about that is that we have no earthly idea if that person ever existed.

My first tattoo!!!!

WOW!! Where do I start? I have always loved tattoos....on OTHER people. I have always "thought" about getting one but just couldn't do it because it was just TOO permanent. After going through cancer, I kind of thought about getting a breast cancer ribbon but just didn't want to be like everyone else. So, my best friend and I decided a long time ago that if we ever got one, we would get one together.

I occasionally look at tattoos but just haven't ever seen any I liked enough to permanently put on my body. I was researching some things the other day online and came across "The Semi-colon project". OMG!! I couldn't believe I had NEVER heard of this!! Here is an excerpt that I read...

"A semicolon is used when an author could have ended a sentence but decided not to. I am the author and the sentence is my life."

Although I was the one that decided to take my life, God decided not to. The moment I saw this, I immediately sent a text my bestie and said "LET'S DO THIS!!" At the time, I had every intention of just getting the semi-colon on my wrist. Throughout the day, on the day we had our appointments to get them done, I just couldn't stop thinking of my life and how much meaning this tattoo would have. Anyone who knows me knows that I DO NOT like to follow the crowd. I like creating a path of my own. I like creating and defining myself. So, I just kept thinking of other ideas and knew it would be different but I wanted it to have a very deep meaning. And I just had to incorporate a ribbon somehow for breast cancer.  

When sharing my story I always start it by saying "I am a breast cancer and suicide survivor". So, I knew I needed the word survivor in the tattoo. I also like the infinity symbol but I don't really believe anything lasts forever. I also like the ribbon but don't like the Pepto color at all and just don't like the full ribbon. So my oldest daughter got to drawing. She incorporated EVERYTHING that I was thinking into this amazing tattoo!!

After I got out of the hospital, I obviously told those close to me how sorry I was for trying to commit suicide. I know both of my daughters were upset by what I did but I think I hurt my oldest very deeply and it made her very afraid I might do it again. I told her so many times I was sorry and although I knew that she knew on some level how terrible I felt about it, she was still very wounded. 

So, I can't even begin to put into words what it was like for HER to design something that would go on my body and stay there FOREVER. It brought so much healing to both of us. God is just so good. He works ALL things together for our good.

Another VERY cool thing is that I have never had a logo created for Feel the Tatas because I just didn't want another breast cancer ribbon. But this will now become my logo for Feel the Tatas and Sewing for Tatas. So, Survivor Warrior will be replaced with the other words!!!! I'm SO excited how this is all coming together!! 

Here are some pics!! 

Tattoo artist: 

Cam Yeomans

Find him here on Facebook!! 

See more of his work here on Instagram!!

Getting it ready to go!

About to get started

The easy part!!

Sharing our testimonies

SO content with my decision

From thought to reality!

Finished product!!

How I created myself and ruined your view of what a Christian "should" be like.

Trust me, I'm just like you. You might not admit it to anyone else but I know if you are reading this you can relate to me and we have similarities. Usually, people that are drawn to you are like you in some way. The old me, like a lot of other people, I think, came across differently to different groups of people. SO, if I was with my best friend, I was one way. If I was at church, I was another way. When I was at work I was another way. Now, don't get ahead of yourself and judge me.... I'm not saying I was like a hypocrite per say. What I am saying is that I couldn't be the person I am now in ALL settings.

Let me give you an example. If I was around my sister, I would never have a glass of wine or dare mention that I ever did. Why? She doesn't like it or believe in it. Why did I care? I'm not sure, really. Guess I didn't want to let her down. Another example would be at a place I worked where they were EXTREMELY legalistic, totally right winged, rigid Christians that I seriously try to steer clear of now at ALL costs. BUT, that was my job. Anyway, I had to "fit in" and I really don't know of any other way to put it. I was completely terrified to blog about my suicide attempt and struggles for fear of judgment, gossip and ridicule. I know you get my drift. I could give you tons of examples, but I think you know exactly what I mean.

I did all of these things, when I cared. Now, the only thing I care about is being ME. I want to be raw, real, true, authentic and whatever lies in between. I just want to be me and THAT is so very freeing. Look, you either like me, you love me or you hate me. Really makes no difference to me. I've never really been a people pleaser or anything but when I look back at the person I was before I was diagnosed with cancer and compare that to the person I am now..... WOW!!

I was thinking about blogging all week and wondering what I would write about. I thought about this topic and as I started mulling it over, I imagined cussing in the blog post. My mind IMMEDIATELY thought of a dozen or so people that I know read my writings and I have absolutely NO doubt whatsoever they would have a negative or critical thought if they read curse words in this blog. So, that is when I decided to write this damn post!! Ha, ha.

You see, I DO have a glass of wine and you know what? I like it. I don't get plastered and wasted and such, but if I did, it's my business. I used to judge people who cussed and drank and did anything that I was taught was a "sin". When I tried to commit suicide and was in the hospital for days on end, I woke up and I think the first sentence out of my mouth after over a decade of NEVER uttering a curse word was, "You have GOT to be F!@*ING kidding me!!" I dropped the "F" bomb probably 100 times that day. My pastor's assistant came to see me and I used that word repeatedly. Now mind you, I don't have hardly any memory of this. My best friend told me.

I do remember when I finally really came to that I kept using that word. It was like a coping mechanism. You may or may not understand that, but it worked for me. Used to, I would have been so worried about what you or anyone else would have thought, but those days are freakin' GONE. I'm not trying to be mean or hateful. But what I am trying to say is that too many people live their lives according to how they "think" different groups of people "think" they should act and I have come to realize that that is ridiculous!!

Living your life that way can make you SICK. You have ONE person to answer for and that is YOU. You were put in this world to live ONE life. I love blogging because you have NO doubt who I am, what I am like, or what I stand for or believe in.

Someone paid me the greatest compliment the other day. They told me that nearly every woman out there can relate to me on some level because of the things I have been through. And the only way that is true is because I share EVERYTHING. I say the things others only "think" because it is such a relief to hear someone say the very thoughts you have thought yourself and realize you are not alone.

I may never, ever know how many lives I have touched through this blog and with me being as raw and real as I am but I know God has called me to do it. And you know what? I AM A CHRISTIAN. I may not be the version of a Christian that you have in your head. But don't you DARE tell me I'm going to hell or that I'm not living my life right. I serve the same God you do. I have a relationship with him and I am not superior or inferior to anyone. I love God with all my heart and he is my absolute EVERYTHING. I like my life. I like how I am living it. I am at peace.

It astounds me to see so called Christians point out other people's sins. I just do not get it. We are ALL sinners. So for anyone to go tell me about my sin regardless of how big they might think that sin is while smoking or judging or gossiping or stealing office supplies at work or whatever, is completely WRONG.

I may look back and read this 5 years from now and wonder, "What in the hell was I thinking?" But no matter what, I'll be glad I was true to who I was at the time. I'll be glad I wasn't a people pleaser. People pleasers are really Self-pleasers and I just don't want to spend my days living like that.

SO, I guess I should get off this soap box. My advice to you is this, be yourself. Have tact, but be you. I understand that who you are at home and who you are in a business meeting are very different. But be as authentic as you can. Don't hide. Who knows how many people you rub shoulders with each and every single day that needs to hear your story. Go out and be who God created you to be. YOU are God's gift to the world. And NO one can fulfill that destiny, but YOU.

My gig as a guest blogger for a nerdy pastor...

I met a couple in California and immediately connected with them. We've stayed in contact over the years and they have planted a church. I really admire this man because he isn't your "typical" pastor. He thinks outside of the box, he challenges you, and well, his blog title says it all....

"The Nerd Pastor" Link to Pastor Adam's blog

I have so many new readers of my blog that didn't find me because of the church, or breast cancer, but rather because of my suicide attempt and survival. I was so honored when Pastor Adam asked me to be a guest blogger on his very cool blog. Finally, I can direct my male readers to something they too will find interesting!! You're welcome!!

If you have not followed my story throughout the past few years, this is the perfect blog post for you to read that sums up my entire story. Read this post and you will be all caught up!!

Here is part one of my post on his blog...

This isn’t your typical TNP post.

There’s no movie, tv, sports, or zombie story in it.

There’s no pop culture at all.

But I love stories and this is definitely a story worth sharing.

Carrie and I met Kelley and her (then) husband nearly 5 years ago. This Michigan couple met that Texas couple in California. We were all there as part of an assessment for church planting with an organization called Growing Healthy Churches Network. We became quick friends with them and kept in touch after returning home.

It wasn’t long after that we were introduced to Kelley’s health struggles but what came out over the next few months a years was a life story filled with abuse, betrayal, cancer, addiction, heartache, and somehow…grace.

I’ve asked Kelley to share her story on our blog because I believe in what God has done in and through her and believe that her story needs to be shared.

What you’re about to read is raw and I believe it is best that way.

The story will be published in 2 parts over the next two days.

My prayer is that regardless of your story you can get some hope from Kelley’s.

With that,hit the break for part 1.

Wow Adam, I am so honored that you asked me to be a guest blogger! I’m so glad that you understand and see why it is so important to talk about the things others only think about. The only way we can ever see real change is to bring whatever it is out into then light rather than live in darkness.

My life has been colored with tragedy. As I’ve been pondering and praying for direction on what to post about I realized how many different and wide ranges of people my testimony can help. So, with God’s help, I feel I should just start writing from my heart knowing and trusting that God will speak through me and that I would be able to touch the lives of many through my testimony.

Where it all began (Part one)

I sat on the bed so sad, but had no understanding of why, at such a young age I was this sad for another person. My mom was sitting on the edge of the bed, I was about 3 years old, and I just kept asking “What’s wrong mommy?” This is my earliest memory from my childhood. My mom and dad were getting a divorce. My brother, my sister, and I all lived with my mom in an apartment. Looking back now, I realize that my mom was so deeply hurt and wounded that my dad would leave our family and move in with another woman and her children after 15 years of marriage. Even at such a young age, I had such great respect for my mom. She was a fighter.

After my parents divorced, we would drive out to see my mom’s parents in Oklahoma. Every time we went, my mom’s dad would load us up with a bunch of meat and some vegetables from his garden so we didn’t go hungry. I had a cousin who was a few years older than me. She had three brothers and she was the only girl. So, when we came into town, we would be glued together because we were the only girls. Because of the situation, we ended up always sharing a bed. Unfortunately, this girl had been abused by her father and in turn did the same thing to me. This happened every single time we went to Oklahoma and no one had a clue what was happening to me. It truly amazes me how grown people can witness things and sit idly by without saying a word. 

Every time I had to go see my father, I was alone during the day while he was at work. Well, I was a nosey kid, so I went snooping. I didn’t have to look far to find a bunch of Playboy magazines. As I thumbed through the pages it was like a light went off. Now the divorce all made sense. At that very young age the following was seared into my brain…

“My mom doesn’t look like these girls, she doesn’t dress like these girls, and I’m almost sure she didn’t act like these girls!!” No wonder dad left. When I grow up, I am going to look, dress and act just like the girls in these pictures and my husband will never leave me”

I held that belief in my mind for many, many years. When I started getting attention from older men, I liked it. It felt good to actually be wanted by a man. I never, ever felt “wanted” by my father. By the time I was 15 years old, I went on my first date and had sex that very night for the first time. I was too embarrassed to say no because then he would have known I was a virgin. Just a couple of months later I realized I was in a very bad situation and broke up with him. One week later, I found out I was pregnant. Back then, you just got married, it was the right thing to do. So, I did. The baby was born 12 weeks early and stayed in intensive care for about three weeks then he came home. He died from SIDS when he was four months old. It wasn’t long after that when I found myself desperately trying to escape my dysfunctional marriage. 

Imagine at the precious age of 17 losing your first baby boy. I had NO idea how to cope with this. The only thing that made the pain lessen was when I did drugs. So, that was how I coped. I became not only a drug addict but at the age of 18 years old, I became a stripper. So there I was, doing drugs, drinking, and making all kinds of money. Such a terrible combination for a teenager. I knew I was living my life wrong but couldn’t stop. I did end up going to school and became a nail technician but that didn’t stop me. I just worked a full time job, got off work, went to clean up and change and went straight to the clubs. I woke up the next morning and did it all over again. 

There were many, many mornings where I had spent all night doing drugs and when I saw the sun coming up I realized I had been up ALL night. On those mornings I would say to myself,

“Oh my gosh, not again. I’m out of money, I’m out of drugs, and what am I doing to myself? This is just stupid. I’ve got to stop. But how?  What is it going to take to wake me up?! I really think the only thing that would be bad enough to make me quit is if mom died. What?!?!? What in the hell am I thinking?! I’ve got to stop, I’ve just got to stop.”

This went on for three years just getting worse by the day. I got a call at work and was told my mom had just been diagnosed with breast cancer. To make a very long story a little shorter, she ended up dying from it. As I looked at her in her casket I said out loud to her that I would never, ever touch drugs again, and I didn’t. 

In part 2, the story gets more difficult before it gets better. Come back tomorrow for the rest of the story.

PART 2.....

Yesterday we started a journey with Kelley. Today, we’re going to get current with her story.

Here’s part 2:

Mom passed away in April and in December I met an amazing man. He was a new manager at one of the clubs I worked at. He was so handsome and so sweet and he liked ME. We started hooking up and a friend of mine at the salon asked me if she could pray with me. I said I guess and so she did. I left work and headed for the club but decided I didn’t feel like working that night so I just hung out for a while. Usually, I would have downed who knows how many shots by this point. I had one beer ALL night and no shots. 

Day after day went by and I just kept not wanting to work there. I would walk in and look around and just be mortified that I actually worked with these people. The men were disgusting to me now. I decided one night when I was up there to just sell all the outfits I owned to the girls. I went to my boyfriend and told him that I was going to go visit a church and that I just couldn’t live my life like that a moment longer. 

Long story short again…he came with me, we loved it, he gave his two week notice and he gave his heart to the Lord!!!! We immediately quit cussing, quit smoking, quit drinking, and lastly he moved into a different room and we stopped sleeping together. It was hard but we did it. We got married and had two little girls. Our marriage was wonderful. We never, ever fought or argued in any way. He was my prince charming. He adored me. He was such a great daddy. He rolled out the red carpet for me. He was my very best friend in the whole wide world. 

We were married 16 years when I got the call telling me I had breast cancer just like my mom. He left work and came home immediately. I had several surgeries, chemo, terrible drugs to prevent a recurrence, and more. He was amazing during that time. He took wonderful care of me. I am such a very private person. I remember after my first surgery not being able to wash my super long hair because I couldn’t lift my arms. He got a chair and put it in the bathtub and made me feel totally safe enough to allow him to wash my hair. It was a beautiful time that I’ll never forget. Water poured down my back as tears rolled down my face. I couldn’t even look at him. 

The next several months went on like that and he was fantastic. Funny thing is, I met a man who was a breast cancer survivor and he was also a pastor. The first time he talked with us at length, he told us he counsels people in our situation on a regular basis. He went on to tell us story after story after story of men who had cheated on and abandoned their wives after breast cancer. Well, I sure was relieved that I wasn’t a statistic yet again! Then I finished treatment. 

A month or so after my last treatment, my brain started to get clear a little bit from all the chemo. I noticed something was really, really wrong. I ended up investigating a lot and even hired a private investigator all to find out he had been cheating on me, traveling saying it was business and actually meeting other women, conversing with MANY, MANY, MANY women online and who knows what else. To tell you I had been punched in the gut about 1,000 times over or that I had been stabbed in the heart a million times would be a complete understatement to how I felt. Something literally physically happened in my mind and body. Until this very day I have never been the same. 

It would be impossible for me to tell the rest of this entire story in this blog. So I will wrap it up by just letting you know that I felt as though my life was completely over. I had never been a depressed person but chemotherapy threw me into early menopause and made me extremely depressed. Shortly after all of this, my husband got a job in Atlanta, GA. So, I was really stuck. We all loaded up and went. We just thought this would be a great fresh start. We moved and went to counseling every week for two years. 

One day, I got an e-mail saying he had changed his password. Well, I knew then from this terrible pattern of his that he was right back at it. I sunk into the greatest depression you could ever imagine. BUT, I didn’t realize that I was that bad off. Once I found out for sure that not only was he doing it then but he had been doing the same old things since the very day we arrived in Atlanta, I was done. And when I say done, I mean DONE. 

He took the girls to the mall and I watched out the window until they were gone and then quickly proceeded to end the pain. I asked God to please forgive me for what I was about to do. I told Him how deeply I loved him. I cried out to him telling him how terribly sorry I was that I messed this crazy thing called life totally up. I let Him know that no matter where I ended up, He was my everything.

The rest of my story and all the “details” and missing pieces can be found in my blogwww.feelthetatas.com 

This might seem like a tragic story and yes, I agree that it is. But you know what? God delivered me from cancer and most importantly, he delivered me from myself. I give God ALL the glory. I wrote a post titled “I am a suicide survivor” and let me tell you, countless people I knew and some I had never even met before started contacting me. I gave the world my email address and my own personal cell number. Oh my goodness my heart broke for these people. Some of these people I KNEW personally and knew them very, very well!!!! 

You may be going through some things that seem impossible. They might be weighing you down a bit. You might even have some crazy thoughts in your head. And you might even be thinking that it would sure be a lot easier to just be done, done, and done. I’m here to tell you that YOU are not reading this by accident. You my friend are being “found” by God himself. You can run from God as far as you would like. But He LOVES you. Oh my how He LOVES YOU. He will go to GREAT, GREAT lengths for YOU. 

The greatest advice I can give anyone is to wait it out. Just wait it out. Even though I am so much better now and am not in that depression anymore I still struggle. I hate admitting that, but it is just true. How I get through it is just wait. It’s like a blip on the radar. It’s just a moment in time that is hard. It’s just tough, ya know? But within a short period of time really, it just leaves as quick as it came and there I sit having beat it yet again. And with every time that I conquer it, I win. Then, the reward is that these hard times get further and further apart. When that happens, I can see some light at the end of the tunnel. 

Thank you so much for reading about my life. I feel very blessed and honored. And as always, you can contact me at kelley@feelthetatas.com for any reason. I love being there to walk people through their journey of cancer and even through the tough stuff like depression. I am NOT a counselor in any way, shape or form but I am ME!! I would love to be a listening ear for you even though you will probably be a complete stranger. Sometimes it’s just easier that way. God bless you and don’t forget to “Just Wait”.

For more of Kelley’s story, be sure to check out her blog mentioned above. It has a lot of raw emotion that I think many are afraid to admit or deal with. I’m glad for people like her who are willing to put their own lives out there like this so others will realize they are not the only one.

As C.S. Lewis once wrote: “ Friendship is born at that moment when one man says to another: “What! You too? I thought that no one but myself . . .”"

If this has been similar to your story, you are not alone. 

Thank you, Kelley and thank you to those who took the time to read.

Divorced: The end of an error

Well, almost exactly 12 months after Deryl picked me up from the hospital, dropped me off at our home and never returned, I am officially divorced. 

I did go have a few drinks to celebrate after receiving the news from my attorney. I posted the news on Facebook to which I received many likes from those who know my story and from some who don't know the whole story unless they are a blog follower of course. 

I also got quite a few comments. One comment was from a guy I went to middle school with. He said the post made him sad. Ya know, it makes me sad too. 

Deryl at one time was my Prince Charming, my knight in shining armour, my best friend in the entire world, my protector, the love of my life and most of all, my soul mate. 

During the course of our relationship, we worked at the same job together several times, we had a business together and he worked from home for many years. We couldn't get enough of each other. We hardly ever left each other's side. We loved being together. We could talk for hours and hours. Many, many times the kids would have to interrupt us just to get a word in.

God I loved him. Words will NEVER, EVER, EVER be able to describe the actual physical feeling I felt in my body after being diagnosed with cancer, surgeries, chemo, weekly trips to the doctor for months on end getting poked and prodded, losing my hair and then discovering countless emails, texts, videos, etc of so many women on the computer he had been involved with in one way or another. Then discovering he communicated with complete strangers while I, just weeks after my last treatment, walked the Komen 3 Day while I was still bald. On those very same days he brought the kids to come cheer me on.

I've tried so many times to try to explain what took place in my mind and body that night I found everything out but just can't put it into words. All I know is that something most definitely happened and I've never been the same since. 

I don't expect sympathy. I don't expect understanding and I sure don't want anyone to pity me. 

I just hope that knowing this might give you a glimpse of why I am the way that I am. Why I've done some of the things I've done. To discover someone you knew for many, many years had been living a completely different life while simultaneously treating you like a queen is just indiscribable to say the least. You can only imagine how little trust I have for absolutely anyone. 

I don't know what my future holds for me now. But what I do know is that I'm exactly where God wants me to be. I have so much peace. I have started my own company that is doing very well and since gaining my independence things just started looking up. So many great things have happened to me and I have some hope for my future.

I hope one day I'll be so far removed from my almost successful suicide attempt that it will never again cross my mind. 

My greatest desire is to encourage other breast cancer and suicide survivors. I want to inspire people to keep keepin' on even when all hope seems gone. I want to educate those who judge and have no understanding of what it's like to be suicidal. 

I've had so many people contact me who struggle with wanting to end their lives. I want you to know that I truly thank God for you. Together, we can win...we can get through this. Please know that you aren't alone. Don't listen to the nonsense of others. You are normal, you just deal with life differently than some but definitely not all. I am so proud of all of you who have contacted me. That is such a big step. 

It's wonderful to be able to talk to someone who has been there and knows you aren't a crazy person. 

I have my good days and of course I still have some pretty dark days as well. But those dark days are getting further and further apart. I have discovered that the less I look to the outside for help and the more work I do internally, the stronger I become. 

I believe there is no one outside of myself that can "fix" me. I must take full responsibility for me and press on. Having someone who relates that can be a listening ear, a comfort and offer words of wisdom is invaluable. However, we can ONLY change ourselves. 

Today, I look forward to the future. I pray that if you know anyone that might benefit from the things I have endured that you would share my post/blog with them. It would be awesome if you shared this on your social media platforms as well because believe me, many, many people are struggling greatly and you have no earthly idea. 

Help me get my message out to others. 

Love,

Kelley

The anniversary of my death

One year ago today I tried to take my own life with near success. A mentor of mine asked me how I felt. I said that I feel wonderful. I realized that the old me had to die and the real me has been revealed. 

After living in an extremely toxic environment for several years, I am finally at peace, hopeful, happy and successful in my own right!! I get my oil changed, I've repaired my own vacuum cleaner all by myself, I figure out how to get my car to the mechanic and back when it breaks down, I kill bugs, I go wherever I want whenever I want, I never have to watch television....ever, and I am traveling without any assistance from a man.

For the first time I'm LIVING my life. Living it without fear of the future. Living it with hopes and aspirations. Living in complete honesty with my true self...who I really am at my core.

I'm free. I could not care less what anyone else thinks of me. Although I never really did. LOL!! 

I see clearly that every trauma, every tragedy, every addiction, every relationship, every great and every sucky boss or job developed me into the amazing woman I have become!! There is no amount of schooling that could have taught me the things that I know.

Although I have some physical limitations as I find myself getting older, I adore aging. I hold babies and see so much more than a cute baby. I see LIFE. I see beauty. I see hope and an amazing future for this sweet little life. 

I love challenges and face them head on without fear. I know my tomorrow's will be more and more amazing than the days before. 

I know now more than ever that I have a MIGHTY, MIGHTY purpose. I am sad that I had to nearly lose my life to find it but in finding it I am 100% certain that my life and experiences will be used to help others find and discover their life. 

I'm excited about and completely energized helping others and look forward to the days to come when I witness others overcoming difficulties and discovering who they really, really are then becoming ALL they were destined to become!!!!