A peek inside the suicidal mind...

I wish I could boldly say it never crosses my mind. I wish I could turn back time and never had made the decision to have chemotherapy. I wish I could have my precancerous mind back. I wish I would have never fallen into such deep depression. I wish...I wish...I wish.

Unfortunately, it is what it is and there is only so much I can do about it. I am so grateful that God put someone in my life a few years ago who has turned out to be a rock for me on my super rocky days. This woman sat on the end of my bed shortly after leaving the hospital while I still wanted to end my life forever. She didn't need to "say" anything. She was just there and it was exactly what I needed.

But since then, I have been afraid to ever tell a soul that the thoughts still sometimes cross my mind. My life is very different now. It is different in ways I have never experienced before. Sometimes, I get afraid and fearful of how the rest of my life is gonna go.

I feel like I have no choice but to share my story with others. It frightens me sometimes at who will read these posts and think I am crazy or if it might prevent me from doing something in the future job/client related. But I have to let all that fear go because I know my life was spared for a purpose. And this I have NO doubt about.

This past week or so has been very difficult and challenging for me. It all came to a head yesterday and suddenly the suicidal thoughts came rushing in like a flood. For the first time in close to two years, I had tremendous racing thoughts and I knew I was headed somewhere really bad. I know from experience that suicidal thoughts aren't the worst....it's when you start creating the plan in your head that it turns dark and starts to become your reality. One thing I knew for certain is that I was about to explode and if I didn't tell someone right away, I could be headed down a terrible path.

I am so very thankful that I reached out to the friend who sat with me for hours when I first got home from the hospital in early 2013. She didn't freak out, she didn't call me selfish, there was no judgment, she just listened. But then she turned around and sent me some messages reminding me of who I am at my core and just what I am made of.  A couple of hours later, an opportunity presented itself to chat with my big sister about it and she too spoke life into me and reminded me of the much bigger picture...that I have a calling and a purpose to fulfill in this life of mine.

I am very proud of myself. It took a lot of courage to open up about some raw feelings....it was very brave for someone in my position. I knew it had to be done and I knew that if I could just make it until this morning when a new day started, I would be fine and be able to face the days ahead.

Through my blog I have discovered how many people struggle with these type thoughts. I know that many people have ended their lives within the darkest tormenting hours of their lives. I know what that short window of time is like. I am here to tell you that if you have a dark place you are in, please trust me and know that it truly passes. I know at times it can be so very difficult and sometimes regardless of what anyone else may think of you, it seems hopeless. But since my failed attempt, the only way I have muddled through some of the dark times is to hold onto that teeny tiny glimmer of hope that if I can just hang in there until the sun rises tomorrow, I'll be okay. And you know what? I AM!!

As always, please feel free to reach out to me at ANY time through my blog. I'd love to be a listening ear for you. I'd be honored to help you on your journey the way a few have done for me. YOU are here for a reason. YOU are here for a purpose that only YOU can fulfill. YOU are MORE than enough. YOU are valuable and worthy. The world NEEDS YOU!!!! Sending much, much love to all my followers, especially to the survivors, my self-harming friends and my suicide survivor friends!

"Cancer free" isn't all it's cracked up to be.

Don't get me wrong, being cancer free is great. I know it makes others happy to ask if I am cancer free and hear me say yes. But the harsh reality is that cancer survivors can never say they are free from scars...neither physically or emotionally. We can never say that we are free from what it took from us. I've been done with treatment for almost four years now and I hope with everything that is within me that one day I can say I am free from the effects of treatment.

For instance, to this very day, about every four months or so, I will get that terrible chemo taste in my mouth. It lasts for three to four weeks and then just goes away. It is a reminder of what I went through. It is short sided for anyone who hasn't ever dealt with the disease to think we as survivors should just be "grateful" to be alive. You have NO idea how difficult life is forever changed from the very moment you hear the words, "You have cancer."

On one of the darkest emotional days I ever had during treatment I couldn't sleep at all and was up in the middle of the night, alone, bawling my eyes out. Alone with the dark thoughts cancer patients can't confide to their friends and family. I wrote the following poem that night and I hope it brings you hope or that you can share it with someone else to bring them hope if they are facing this terrible monster.

SURVIVOR

The busy streets, the hustle and bustle, the cares of today all rushing by. Then one word enters your life and everything stops. Time is suspended. Oh...all the rest of the world is still rushing by as you stand in the middle of the freeway wondering how you are not getting hit. Although being hit is exactly what has happened. Hit by the word "Cancer." Your world starts moving in slow motion and your mind a complete fog. Day by day is spent trying to let this sink in, how can this be true? Maybe there's been a mistake, it just can't be you. 

Slowly you start to understand that you will never wake up from this horrible nightmare because you are already awake. As you settle in with the reality of your new existence you ponder many things. Somewhere, somewhere deep within you starts to rise. She rises and keeps rising until she is completely standing. It is the you that shrunk many years before too afraid to ever come out.

You stand tall and take a look around. Only this time you don't see what you used to see. You see new beginnings, you see so many possibilities. You start to have ideas, dreams, hopes for your future. Then, you grab hold of those and you hold tight with all that is within you and you fight. You fight to live, to learn, to grow and love. 

And then you realize that this is the new you.

A SURVIVOR

Written by Kelley McElreath

www.feelthetatas.com

Yes, my name is Kelley, but I am SO much more than that! Who are you?

Who are you? If someone were to ask you this question, how would you answer? I think a lot of us would just say our name. I think a lot of the time, it is just our human conditioned nature to not give ourselves credit for who we really are. Sometimes, when I think of who I am personally, I think of all the things that are wrong with me. I think of all my mistakes and failures. I think of all my many shortcomings. That is until I help someone. Or when I share my story and the things I have overcome with someone.

There are days when I totally and completely struggle and fail. Usually, this is all mentally. I think about all the many readers of my blog and the different things that we all struggle with. And I wonder to myself how much of our struggles are just in our own minds....our own mindsets. I have come to realize that while others can offer me comfort and hope, only I can change my mindset about ME and anything or anyone else for that matter.

In general, I think that if someone were to talk to you or I about their greatness, we might think of them as egotistical. I myself think I might think that way if someone told me this. But again, I feel that this is a limited mindset. Something I have found that helps me greatly, and I think will help you as well, is to come up with affirmations for myself. Sometimes, the best ones come to me when I am at my best and feeling the strongest.

Recently, after having days on end of not feeling so hot about myself, I started wondering to myself and just thinking about when I am the happiest and when I feel the most joy. I had a moment when I was really, really overcome with fear and stress and in that same moment an opportunity came up to encourage someone and I did. The reaction from this person was so full of gratitude. And I didn't really do anything special at all. At least it wasn't that amazing from my view point. Then I thought about the people who self-harm, are depressed and suicidal, cancer survivors, other women who have reached out to me through my blog. Just thinking about all of this made me feel better. I realized that when I reach out to someone else, all my thoughts are on them and off of myself and suddenly life just feels better.

So, some of the affirmations I tell myself are...

• I am a ROCK STAR
• I am a life-changer
• I am a power house
• I have a driving force within me

These are just a few, but the ones I use regularly. When I am hard on myself or just down, they remind me of who I really am at my core. So, who are you? If you could shout it out to the world and could not care less about what anyone thought, what would you shout? Maybe you are an awesome leader, maybe you are a free thinker, maybe you are an extremely dedicated individual. Regardless, think about what makes you happy and brings you the most joy. What are you doing at those times? What are you feeling and why? Make a list in your phone to remind you. Then, when you are struggling or feeling low, read your list. Say them out loud to yourself daily so they get in your head, but even better...down into your soul.

I just want you all to know that YOU are more than your name. SO much more. We ALL, each and every single one of us, have something BIG to offer the world. Let's stop focusing on all the things we aren't or can't do, and focus on the great parts of us. One of the greatest things I have ever heard is "What people think about me is none of my business" as well as "You don't have to believe every thought you think."

Think highly of yourself. Think the best about YOU. See the best in yourself. Really think about it and come up with all the many reasons YOU are so amazing. There is only ONE you. You are unique beyond description. Since there is only one YOU, only YOU can do what you were put here on this earth to do. So don't wait around waiting for someone else to do it! Discover who YOU are and go out and fulfill your purpose!!

When my world got rocked, I decided to rock my own world.

When my world got rocked, I decided to rock my own world. Hmmmmm.......Most of you know that I am a life coach. I just spent the past four days in a training class and it was great. I wrote down the title for this blog post on the last day of class. I love helping other people. I love watching a person get better, feel better, live better lives and helping them discover their greatness on their own.

Things have been tough in my life emotionally lately. Today has not been a good day. I have been left to be the single parent to be the anchor and emotionally available person for my children. I in turn take it all on my own shoulders. One of the most difficult things as a parent is to not have the answers for your children or a solution to offer them as they face the hard things that life throws at them.

Sometimes, when days like to day start to get me down, I have to "coach" myself and this is me doing that. I sit and wonder to myself often why I am still here. I wonder how I will live the rest of my days out in this crazy place called my life. Do you ever get like that? Do you ever just want it all to stop? I know I sure do. But thank God I know I have an internal strength within myself that I can pull from. When days are good, I can say to myself, I AM A FREAKIN' ROCK STAR!! I can remember all that I have endured and yet still sit here on top, alive, helping others be the best version of themselves that they can be. But on the bad days, it is hard to do this.

So, although today hasn't started out well, I know that only I can make it better. I know that only I am in control of my happiness. And it all starts within. I never expected this blog post to be what it has turned into when I wrote that title down. But here I am and I have to ask myself...what can I do to rock my own world. I hope the words that follow will encourage you to do the same.

In order for me to take charge and full responsibility, I have to dig deep. I know that I have a driving force that resides within me. It is a force that goes untapped sometimes. But I know it is there. I have to remind myself of the power that lies within ME. No one else can make me better. Others might be able to offer me some comfort, but true lasting change can only happen within myself.

In the past couple of weeks I have had some very incredible things said about me by different individuals. So, I take the time now to try and see for myself what it is they see. It is so hard to see the qualities in yourself that others find very valuable by just your presence. I think it is human nature to focus on all of our flaws and all the things we do wrong.

So today I must CHOOSE to see the good in myself. CHOOSE to see how much I have accomplished. CHOOSE to see all the wonderful things that ARE happening in my life right now. I think the single greatest thing to do is focus on RIGHT NOW. It's easy to get caught up in what HAS happened and what COULD happen rather than what IS happening. And at this very moment, everything is fine.

I hope you can pull some strength from inside of YOU to get you through the not so good days. And let us not forget, YOU are a ROCK START too!

Everything I've learned after the ending of a failed marriage

This list is definitely not EVERYTHING, but it is what I've come to learn about life and myself up to this point. I'm proud of myself for taking the time to learn from it and to gain knowledge and understanding about myself. I believe that not one single marriage ends because of one person...EVER. The only way for ME to grow and become all that I am destined to become is to face whatever MY part in it was and move forward.

And in my learning, I think it is my responsibility as a human being to share these lessons with others.

1. Don't be a bitch- It just isn't worth it. It isn't right and it is a choice. Sometimes it just feels good, but it doesn't make it right and it never helps the situation.
2. Don't take what you DO have for granted- It is so easy to fall into a pattern where we get "used" to the good things others do for us. I wish I would have spent more time focusing on all the things that were good....back when they were good.
3. Gratitude- There are so many things to be grateful for. When in a relationship or really in any situation, you can find something to be grateful for. There is a fantastic video that is worth taking the time to watch about this. You can view it here...http://ow.ly/zc4ME
4. Honesty- I have always been extremely honest and maybe to a fault. But at least I don't have any regrets for being honest. I know telling the truth is a quality many just do not possess. Telling the truth might be scary, but it is the only way to go and I have never, ever regretted it, ever. When you tell the truth, it builds credibility. When you tell the very first lie, the other person will NEVER trust you again like they did before that lie no matter how sorry you say you are you or how bad you feel, ever.
5. Encourage- Take the time to encourage your partner. It doesn't take much time and it really doesn't take that much effort.
6. Remember- Remember why you fell in love with them in the first place. Again, focus on the good.
7. I'm not a failure- Just because my marriage failed does not by any means mean that I am a failure or make me lose my value and worth as a woman. If anything, I value myself more and I know more about me. It makes me MORE worthy because of the experience and what I have learned from it.
8. SEX- You must find time and a way to make it work. It is vital for both parties to feel wanted and needed by the other. 
9. Perspective- Take the time to see it from their perspective. I wish I would have done this more. I see time and time again in my mind's eye how doing this would have made a huge impact. Don't wait until it is too late to see things in a different light other than your own.
10. The end- Don't sweat it. It sucks. Life is different. There are many challenges. And did I mention, it sucks? Step back and take a good hard look with the biggest magnifying glass you can find turned on YOURSELF. Search your own heart deeply. Don't even think about what all THEY did, but what all YOU did. What can you do differently now in your new life? How can you apply ALL the lessons you have learned to your new existence? How can you use this experience to make you better and the lives of those around you better? What do you now want to take into a new relationship you might eventually get involved in? What are the new standards you want? Ask yourself all the hard questions. Then, be determined to move on with all that life has to offer you. And if you look hard enough, you will discover the universe is waiting to give you all that you want or could ever need. Start looking!!

Life after death

I have discovered many people who have read my blog. It is always interesting and exciting to find out who reads it and keeps up with me. I'm sure I would probably be really surprised to learn just who all reads it.

I have found that a BIG number of teenagers read it. I don't think I ever realized that my story would impact a teenager. I've always had the desire to reach out and help women. But, I am open to helping teens. It saddens me at the amount of them that self-harm and struggle with suicidal thoughts.

Ya know, I have a real issue with attention seekers when it comes to suicide. I don't think it is funny in any way whatsoever. The people I try to reach are the ones who would never tell a soul. The ones who suffer in silence and are out of hope and are in complete desperation. The ones who are at the end of their rope and only just want to end their pain, not their lives.

I know that there are so many people out there who just don't "get" suicidal people at all. I really try to understand their perspective, but it is difficult for me to do. I think it is kind of like the super skinny girl you love to hate. She just eats whatever she wants and just continues to look awesome. She ages and still doesn't gain a pound. How does she do it? She was born with good genes. That girl will probably NEVER struggle with her weight and she will NEVER understand people that struggle with their weight.

I guess that is how people who never really contemplate suicide are when faced with a friend or loved one who has attempted it. I wish I could sit here and say I don't struggle with it anymore. I know that is what people want to hear, but it just isn't that easy. I think often of that day. I sometimes get angry with God for allowing me to live. I know it is a selfish thought, so please don't judge. I would never attempt it again because the pain would be way too great for the people close to me in my life. I am in a much, much better place emotionally and no longer deal with severe depression.

My life after my near death is so different. I'm better in so many ways. I truly believe that the old me died and this new me rose to life. But finding yourself after cancer, infidelity, divorce can be difficult. I am so strong and so very confident in many, many areas of my life. But then there are those places where I am definitely not. Sometimes, I am afraid. I mean, after having another human being take care of you financially for close to twenty years and then having to go it alone, it is quite frightening at times.

My current struggle is my overwhelming desire to never hurt another soul in the way that I have been hurt. But I am afraid it is way out of balance. Sometimes it feels like I would rather destroy and end a relationship before I would be willing to risk hurting someone. It's when I feel these type feelings that I realize the damage that has been done to me emotionally. It's just not a walk in the park. Unless you've been through it yourself, I don't think there is any way to describe what it is like to discover someone you loved with all of your heart for a very long time led a double life. To me, it is just the ultimate betrayal. I would NEVER, EVER under any circumstance want to inflict this kind of pain on anyone else and me be the cause of it...EVER.

I know time heals all wounds and I hope to get better every day. I usually post uplifting stuff and usually after I've gotten through days like today. But, I decided that maybe there are people out there struggling with some of the same things and they need to know this side of it. It helps when you know you aren't alone.

The mind can be a wonderful place, but it can be a terrifying place as well. Tonight I just thought...what the hell, let me just blog about it and get it off my chest. Blogging has been therapy for me for quite some time and who knows, maybe this was meant for a specific person. If so, know you are NOT alone in your struggle.

LIfe in Texas

Well, life has just been absolutely wonderful since I got back. I've been going about a million miles an hour traveling to meet new friends and old and family and I'm still not done.  It feels good. It feels nice and it feels completely, 100% right.

One thing I have done for a very, very long time is allow myself to believe that my intuition was off.  I believed it because I spent close to twenty years, allowing someone else to tell me my gut feelings weren't actually my gut feelings, but rather me being judgmental or seeing the worst in them.  Although it is refreshing to discover that ALL those gut feelings were dead on, I have to relearn now to trust my instincts.

Yesterday, I had the opportunity to do so and it ROCKED!! One thing I know I have to do is go with my gut.  It's funny, your gut can cause you so much pain and grief, yet it can be the compass for your life.  We can listen to it or ignore it, but the choice is completely up to us.  If we ignore it, it will then be up to us to take full responsibility for any consequences that follow.

I think so many of us actually have a very strong intuition, but we don't realize it for the gift that it is and we take for granted what an amazing gift it is. It is something we can develop and grow with time.

If I would have listened to what my gut was telling me a very long time ago, I have absolutely no doubt in my mind whatsoever that my life and the lives of my children would have turned out very, very different.  I do believe that everything happens for a reason.  So, in light of that, I think that I have learned some very valuable lessons and that I now just have to take those lessons and use them moving forward.

You might be reading this and think to yourself that your own gut is screaming some stuff at you. Telling you to PAY ATTENTION. Well, listen to it. What I can say is that as women, we are NOT stupid. If you feel like something isn't right, it probably isn't. Listen to it. Don't let anyone else make you feel like you don't know what you are talking about. Someone told me once that you should really be afraid of anyone who makes you doubt your doubts.

I finally have started writing my book about my life from the time I was three until....????  I just finished chapter four! It is exciting, but way more emotional than I ever thought possible.  I can't wait to share it with you!

Oh, and one more thing...this Texas heat is SO DARN HOT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!