Finally able to blog again!!!

OMG, I cannot even believe how long since I have blogged. I have been locked out of Blogger and haven't been able to figure out what the problem was. I have been wanting to blog for forever to catch everyone up on what all is going on in my life but haven't had the time to spend to figure out the issue.

The other day, it finally hit me what I needed to do and it just worked!!

SO, I am very glad to be back in the blogosphere. I am still doing the life-coaching of course. Ready to get more clients. I am now known as "The Survivor Coach." I just LOVE IT!! I am also the Director of Training and Director of Operations for the life-coaching school. I love teaching others how to become a great coach.

I am about to start doing live video webinars. Starting out, these will be for anyone who is completely DONE with their cancer treatments. NOT for anyone newly diagnosed or currently in treatment. The first one will be called, "Surviving the After Shocks of Chemotherapy."

Then probably starting early next year, I am going to start other webinars to empower women. This has been a dream of mine for quite some time. I want to help women know their worth and value. I want them to know that there truly is NOTHING in life that can stop a determined woman.

I am also going to start back at writing my book...my autobiography. AND, start blogging more regularly.

Looking SO forward to this new stage in my life! Give me a shout out so I know who all is still out there!!

Love to all,

Kelley

Hurting people, hurt people

I've always known this saying...."Hurting people, hurt people." But there is no greater lesson than experiencing it for yourself. I don't think it is any secret to anyone that I have pretty much completely abandoned church and many of those who call themselves "Christians." Yes, I know some of you reading this right now are already constructing an email in your head to me telling me how Christians aren't perfect, just forgiven. And I've heard it all before that at church, there are "No perfect people allowed." I've heard all of the little sayings such as "They're only human."

If you are a follower/reader of my blog, you know my story. You know what I have been through and you know what I have endured right along with my children. I have not been blogging much lately, let me finally explain why. When my divorce was final, I lost my health insurance and for me to get Obamacare, it was going to cost me $600.00 per month. I have spent about $200.00 this entire year on doctor visits and medicine. Anyway, since I lost my insurance, there was no way I could stay on the medication I was taking after my attempted suicide. I had been diagnosed with severe situational depression and PTSD. It is my belief that chemotherapy caused this depression and as I have said repeatedly in this blog, I have never been the same after taking chemotherapy. I have had doctors and psychiatrists completely agree with me and tell me it is their belief that chemo causes this as well.

I was doing really good off all the meds. I was actually very happy and proud of myself. It is nearing two years since my husband walked out on us. I started feeling like it was finally time to start dealing with it all emotionally. Just as I started to work on it, I fell into a very deep, dark, scary place. Worse than the place I was at when I attempted to take my own life. Only those VERY close to me, which are very few, knew what was going on. I spent every minute of every day not wanting to live life and being very angry with God that he allowed me to live. Enduring 60 seconds of life was excruciating for me. If you have never struggled with this, you will not under any circumstances understand it.

Since he left, I have cried just a little, a handful of times, over the entire situation. At this time, I didn't realize I had sunk right back into severe depression again. I spent 5 entire days straight unable to stop crying and couldn't even keep it together in public.

When I was like this before, I did not tell a single soul and I never, ever cried. No one, and I mean NO ONE, knew how bad I was. No one knew I thought of death as my friend, the only thing that could possibly bring me relief.

I have always been very skeptical of anyone who tells people they want to kill themselves because I have always thought it was for attention. I now know first hand that that might not always be the case. This time, I knew I needed to reach out to someone. THANK GOD, I have one very faithful and true friend left. I haven't known her too long, only a few years if that. But I knew I had two options on this particular day. I could end my life or I could make a phone call. That day was the beginning of my downward spiral that led up to all the crying.

As I got worse, I had some very disturbing things happen to me by someone who has never been dearer to my heart than any other soul. I have been accused, slandered, belittled, humiliated, gossiped about, lied about, and there isn't enough space here for me to continue. And yes, this not only happened to me, but to another person as well. Both of us at the time were extremely depressed, seeing a life-coach and seeing a psychiatrist. When I got wind of the first bombshells, it was on a day I spent trying to talk myself out of jumping off a damn bridge. This also came on a day this other person was fighting suicidal thoughts. Had it not been for me and my newer friend being able to talk so frank and openly that day, I believe I for sure might not be here today and who knows what would have happened to her all due to someone else's ignorance.

So hurting people, hurt people? Words cut very deep. If you claim to be a Christian or anyone I guess for that matter and you are hurting people, please remember that you have literally NO idea what someone is going through. Something you do or say could send someone over the complete edge and all for what? I wish I knew the answer. My suggestion is that if you give a damn about anyone, pray for them in your OWN prayer closet. You know why there even IS a prayer closet? So you and GOD and you two only can hash things out. If you go to any other person and tell them something all so they can "pray" for the person, it is only pure gossip and is straight from the pit of hell. This behavior causes more and more people daily to end their relationship with church, church people and potentially their very own lives.

 This is a VERY SERIOUS matter!!!!

I don't let too many people get close to me and I'm guessing I never will after this experience. But the good news is, I am back on medication and although it was about three weeks of complete mental hell, I feel like I am back to my old self. I have a new friend who was very helpful to me during the darkest of those days. If you feel suicidal, please reach out to someone. I had a couple of friends, my sister, the lady I live with and my adopted sister that I reached out to for the first time about this issue. People suffer in silence. Why? Because so few understand or know what to do. But you know what? Every single time I got up enough courage to call one of these individuals it helped me get through another day. One friend and my sister were able to just listen as I told them I did not wish to live life. They listened as I bawled my eyes out like they had never witnessed me do before. They listened with love and without judgement. They prayed with me and for me. They didn't go share my issues with other people or in their weekly "Prayer meeting." To those people, YOU are the ones who give me hope that there are still genuinely good people in the world. Don't be alarmed, I have a very close relationship with God and I always will have. He will never abandon me, nor I him. He alone is the only constant and faithful friend until the end of time.

I know these people were very scared for me. Hell, I was terrified of myself. I felt like I was a danger to myself. But I know for a fact that if I had not had them to talk to, I probably wouldn't be writing this blog today.

I hate having to take medication. I hope it is not something I will have to do forever. But, it is a must for now. I cannot be ashamed of it. And, I think that there are too many people just like me out there that need for this to be talked about. I guess my biggest message to anyone out there today is that sometimes, suicidal people don't take their own lives....it's someone else's cruelty that actually pulls the trigger.

 DON'T BE THAT PERSON!!

A life should be honored and valued while the person is still living, not after they are gone. Some consequences for mistakes made are totally and completely permanent. Sometimes, there are NO take-backs.

Hand me downs...and I'm NOT talking about clothes here!!

I remember what a blessing it was to have two daughters. When they were young, I could pass down the older ones clothes and save a ton of money. Hand me downs were always nice. Being a girl myself, I have had friends give me hand me downs and I have given away a lot myself. Hand me downs were always a good thing in my mind.

I was sitting here this morning thinking about hand me downs. As a life-coach, I listen to stories on a daily basis of some not so helpful hand me downs people have been given. In our lives, we have life altering events that take place and those very events create limiting beliefs in our minds. Those beliefs are "seared" into our brains literally. They form a new neural pathway in our brain.

It can be compared to the pathway around your yard if you have a dog. After going around the same path for so long, you can see the path as it gets worn down. It is the same way with our minds. When we hold onto these limiting beliefs, when we think the same thoughts repetitively, it gets further engrained in our brain.

I'll give you an example. I have suffered a lot of loss in my life. My father left my life when I was a young girl, I lost a 4 month old child when I was 17, lost my mom when I was only 23, lost my breasts to cancer at 40, lost a 20 year marriage at 43, etc, etc. I remember when my dad left, even at such a very young age, I formed a belief that you can just "lose" people. So when I lost my child, it further confirmed that belief. With every subsequent loss, the belief became pure reality in my thinking brain.

Every single trauma or tragedy that we have suffered creates a limiting belief. Dr. Jayne Gardner owns The Gardner Institute where I received all my life coaching credentials. I have worked with her for many years. She has a fascinating tool she created called a re-wire. Neuroscience has proven that we can actually re-wire our brains with NEW beliefs. Going back to the event and figuring out what limiting belief was created is the first step. It takes a lot of work to install a NEW belief and therefore creating a NEW neural pathway. But it indeed works.

Dr. Gardner is having a one day event at the end of January where she will do demonstrations of a rewire LIVE!! It is one of the most phenomenal things I have ever witnessed. If you want to learn more about this event, you can check it out here. Evolve Retreat

A peek inside the suicidal mind...

I wish I could boldly say it never crosses my mind. I wish I could turn back time and never had made the decision to have chemotherapy. I wish I could have my precancerous mind back. I wish I would have never fallen into such deep depression. I wish...I wish...I wish.

Unfortunately, it is what it is and there is only so much I can do about it. I am so grateful that God put someone in my life a few years ago who has turned out to be a rock for me on my super rocky days. This woman sat on the end of my bed shortly after leaving the hospital while I still wanted to end my life forever. She didn't need to "say" anything. She was just there and it was exactly what I needed.

But since then, I have been afraid to ever tell a soul that the thoughts still sometimes cross my mind. My life is very different now. It is different in ways I have never experienced before. Sometimes, I get afraid and fearful of how the rest of my life is gonna go.

I feel like I have no choice but to share my story with others. It frightens me sometimes at who will read these posts and think I am crazy or if it might prevent me from doing something in the future job/client related. But I have to let all that fear go because I know my life was spared for a purpose. And this I have NO doubt about.

This past week or so has been very difficult and challenging for me. It all came to a head yesterday and suddenly the suicidal thoughts came rushing in like a flood. For the first time in close to two years, I had tremendous racing thoughts and I knew I was headed somewhere really bad. I know from experience that suicidal thoughts aren't the worst....it's when you start creating the plan in your head that it turns dark and starts to become your reality. One thing I knew for certain is that I was about to explode and if I didn't tell someone right away, I could be headed down a terrible path.

I am so very thankful that I reached out to the friend who sat with me for hours when I first got home from the hospital in early 2013. She didn't freak out, she didn't call me selfish, there was no judgment, she just listened. But then she turned around and sent me some messages reminding me of who I am at my core and just what I am made of.  A couple of hours later, an opportunity presented itself to chat with my big sister about it and she too spoke life into me and reminded me of the much bigger picture...that I have a calling and a purpose to fulfill in this life of mine.

I am very proud of myself. It took a lot of courage to open up about some raw feelings....it was very brave for someone in my position. I knew it had to be done and I knew that if I could just make it until this morning when a new day started, I would be fine and be able to face the days ahead.

Through my blog I have discovered how many people struggle with these type thoughts. I know that many people have ended their lives within the darkest tormenting hours of their lives. I know what that short window of time is like. I am here to tell you that if you have a dark place you are in, please trust me and know that it truly passes. I know at times it can be so very difficult and sometimes regardless of what anyone else may think of you, it seems hopeless. But since my failed attempt, the only way I have muddled through some of the dark times is to hold onto that teeny tiny glimmer of hope that if I can just hang in there until the sun rises tomorrow, I'll be okay. And you know what? I AM!!

As always, please feel free to reach out to me at ANY time through my blog. I'd love to be a listening ear for you. I'd be honored to help you on your journey the way a few have done for me. YOU are here for a reason. YOU are here for a purpose that only YOU can fulfill. YOU are MORE than enough. YOU are valuable and worthy. The world NEEDS YOU!!!! Sending much, much love to all my followers, especially to the survivors, my self-harming friends and my suicide survivor friends!

"Cancer free" isn't all it's cracked up to be.

Don't get me wrong, being cancer free is great. I know it makes others happy to ask if I am cancer free and hear me say yes. But the harsh reality is that cancer survivors can never say they are free from scars...neither physically or emotionally. We can never say that we are free from what it took from us. I've been done with treatment for almost four years now and I hope with everything that is within me that one day I can say I am free from the effects of treatment.

For instance, to this very day, about every four months or so, I will get that terrible chemo taste in my mouth. It lasts for three to four weeks and then just goes away. It is a reminder of what I went through. It is short sided for anyone who hasn't ever dealt with the disease to think we as survivors should just be "grateful" to be alive. You have NO idea how difficult life is forever changed from the very moment you hear the words, "You have cancer."

On one of the darkest emotional days I ever had during treatment I couldn't sleep at all and was up in the middle of the night, alone, bawling my eyes out. Alone with the dark thoughts cancer patients can't confide to their friends and family. I wrote the following poem that night and I hope it brings you hope or that you can share it with someone else to bring them hope if they are facing this terrible monster.

SURVIVOR

The busy streets, the hustle and bustle, the cares of today all rushing by. Then one word enters your life and everything stops. Time is suspended. Oh...all the rest of the world is still rushing by as you stand in the middle of the freeway wondering how you are not getting hit. Although being hit is exactly what has happened. Hit by the word "Cancer." Your world starts moving in slow motion and your mind a complete fog. Day by day is spent trying to let this sink in, how can this be true? Maybe there's been a mistake, it just can't be you. 

Slowly you start to understand that you will never wake up from this horrible nightmare because you are already awake. As you settle in with the reality of your new existence you ponder many things. Somewhere, somewhere deep within you starts to rise. She rises and keeps rising until she is completely standing. It is the you that shrunk many years before too afraid to ever come out.

You stand tall and take a look around. Only this time you don't see what you used to see. You see new beginnings, you see so many possibilities. You start to have ideas, dreams, hopes for your future. Then, you grab hold of those and you hold tight with all that is within you and you fight. You fight to live, to learn, to grow and love. 

And then you realize that this is the new you.

A SURVIVOR

Written by Kelley McElreath

www.feelthetatas.com

Yes, my name is Kelley, but I am SO much more than that! Who are you?

Who are you? If someone were to ask you this question, how would you answer? I think a lot of us would just say our name. I think a lot of the time, it is just our human conditioned nature to not give ourselves credit for who we really are. Sometimes, when I think of who I am personally, I think of all the things that are wrong with me. I think of all my mistakes and failures. I think of all my many shortcomings. That is until I help someone. Or when I share my story and the things I have overcome with someone.

There are days when I totally and completely struggle and fail. Usually, this is all mentally. I think about all the many readers of my blog and the different things that we all struggle with. And I wonder to myself how much of our struggles are just in our own minds....our own mindsets. I have come to realize that while others can offer me comfort and hope, only I can change my mindset about ME and anything or anyone else for that matter.

In general, I think that if someone were to talk to you or I about their greatness, we might think of them as egotistical. I myself think I might think that way if someone told me this. But again, I feel that this is a limited mindset. Something I have found that helps me greatly, and I think will help you as well, is to come up with affirmations for myself. Sometimes, the best ones come to me when I am at my best and feeling the strongest.

Recently, after having days on end of not feeling so hot about myself, I started wondering to myself and just thinking about when I am the happiest and when I feel the most joy. I had a moment when I was really, really overcome with fear and stress and in that same moment an opportunity came up to encourage someone and I did. The reaction from this person was so full of gratitude. And I didn't really do anything special at all. At least it wasn't that amazing from my view point. Then I thought about the people who self-harm, are depressed and suicidal, cancer survivors, other women who have reached out to me through my blog. Just thinking about all of this made me feel better. I realized that when I reach out to someone else, all my thoughts are on them and off of myself and suddenly life just feels better.

So, some of the affirmations I tell myself are...

• I am a ROCK STAR
• I am a life-changer
• I am a power house
• I have a driving force within me

These are just a few, but the ones I use regularly. When I am hard on myself or just down, they remind me of who I really am at my core. So, who are you? If you could shout it out to the world and could not care less about what anyone thought, what would you shout? Maybe you are an awesome leader, maybe you are a free thinker, maybe you are an extremely dedicated individual. Regardless, think about what makes you happy and brings you the most joy. What are you doing at those times? What are you feeling and why? Make a list in your phone to remind you. Then, when you are struggling or feeling low, read your list. Say them out loud to yourself daily so they get in your head, but even better...down into your soul.

I just want you all to know that YOU are more than your name. SO much more. We ALL, each and every single one of us, have something BIG to offer the world. Let's stop focusing on all the things we aren't or can't do, and focus on the great parts of us. One of the greatest things I have ever heard is "What people think about me is none of my business" as well as "You don't have to believe every thought you think."

Think highly of yourself. Think the best about YOU. See the best in yourself. Really think about it and come up with all the many reasons YOU are so amazing. There is only ONE you. You are unique beyond description. Since there is only one YOU, only YOU can do what you were put here on this earth to do. So don't wait around waiting for someone else to do it! Discover who YOU are and go out and fulfill your purpose!!

When my world got rocked, I decided to rock my own world.

When my world got rocked, I decided to rock my own world. Hmmmmm.......Most of you know that I am a life coach. I just spent the past four days in a training class and it was great. I wrote down the title for this blog post on the last day of class. I love helping other people. I love watching a person get better, feel better, live better lives and helping them discover their greatness on their own.

Things have been tough in my life emotionally lately. Today has not been a good day. I have been left to be the single parent to be the anchor and emotionally available person for my children. I in turn take it all on my own shoulders. One of the most difficult things as a parent is to not have the answers for your children or a solution to offer them as they face the hard things that life throws at them.

Sometimes, when days like to day start to get me down, I have to "coach" myself and this is me doing that. I sit and wonder to myself often why I am still here. I wonder how I will live the rest of my days out in this crazy place called my life. Do you ever get like that? Do you ever just want it all to stop? I know I sure do. But thank God I know I have an internal strength within myself that I can pull from. When days are good, I can say to myself, I AM A FREAKIN' ROCK STAR!! I can remember all that I have endured and yet still sit here on top, alive, helping others be the best version of themselves that they can be. But on the bad days, it is hard to do this.

So, although today hasn't started out well, I know that only I can make it better. I know that only I am in control of my happiness. And it all starts within. I never expected this blog post to be what it has turned into when I wrote that title down. But here I am and I have to ask myself...what can I do to rock my own world. I hope the words that follow will encourage you to do the same.

In order for me to take charge and full responsibility, I have to dig deep. I know that I have a driving force that resides within me. It is a force that goes untapped sometimes. But I know it is there. I have to remind myself of the power that lies within ME. No one else can make me better. Others might be able to offer me some comfort, but true lasting change can only happen within myself.

In the past couple of weeks I have had some very incredible things said about me by different individuals. So, I take the time now to try and see for myself what it is they see. It is so hard to see the qualities in yourself that others find very valuable by just your presence. I think it is human nature to focus on all of our flaws and all the things we do wrong.

So today I must CHOOSE to see the good in myself. CHOOSE to see how much I have accomplished. CHOOSE to see all the wonderful things that ARE happening in my life right now. I think the single greatest thing to do is focus on RIGHT NOW. It's easy to get caught up in what HAS happened and what COULD happen rather than what IS happening. And at this very moment, everything is fine.

I hope you can pull some strength from inside of YOU to get you through the not so good days. And let us not forget, YOU are a ROCK START too!