One of the hardest days I've faced yet. Amazingly enough, I've cried a total of about 3 times since all this started in January.
I'm not going to lie. I'm afraid. I mean, in my ENTIRE 18 years of marriage I only worked full time for a little over a year. I didn't work outside the home for over 14 years at all.
Now, I am unemployed, single, scared, playing the role of mom AND dad, making all important decisions alone, taking care of my car and my daughters car alone, handling everything in my home alone, being there emotionally for my girls, wondering how I will ever get insurance again with all my pre-existing conditions, teaching both of the girls to drive, making what very little income I do have stretch from week to week hoping nothing goes wrong outside of gas and groceries, look for a job daily, struggle and fight with my own demons, try to keep a smile on my face and stay positive all at the same time.
I try my very best to wait to blog until my breakthroughs so I can always be an encouragement to you all. But the past three days have been an emotional roller coaster to say the least. I feel like I just have to be totally real. I know I am surely not the only person out there that has days where you just feel like your sinking and just wish God would throw you a few life-lines. Today is that day.
Tuesday, April 16, 2013
Thursday, April 4, 2013
Praise Through the Pain
I hope this will encourage you today and every day the way it has for me. Whatever we are going through, we cannot give up hope.
Wednesday, April 3, 2013
In the beginning.....
Well, to start from the beginning, we met in a bar in December of 1993. My mom passed away in April of the same year. Neither one of us were saved. Both of us partied and lead pretty wild lifestyles. In April of 1994 I walked into a club one night and just looked around at the people. As I looked around it was like I saw them completely differently. I thought to myself how if I kept living this lifestyle, I would become just like them. I went to him and told him I was going to start going to church. Much to my surprise, since he didn't even believe in God, he said he would go with me.
We both went and within a matter of weeks we had both given our lives to the Lord and were attending church regularly. I knew about porn in his life when I met him. I am SUCH a black and white person. I guess even way back then that I just assumed that once you got saved, those sinful desires went away. We both immediately wanted to stop cussing, we quit drinking and partying, we totally changed all the friends we hung around. We changed EVERYTHING.....or so I thought.
One thing my mom always, always told me was that if a man will lie to you about something ridiculous you can bank on it that he will lie about the big stuff. We weren't even married yet and these little lies were already apparent. I should have listened to my gut then, however, I think everything happened the way it was supposed to. But anyway, the first time porn showed back up was when my oldest was 15 months old. I accidentally pushed some button on the keyboard of my computer (GOD!!!) and the entire history of any website viewed with the times, links and how much time was spent on each site, was on my computer screen. He later told me that God had been telling him to tell me the truth for weeks but he just couldn't bring himself to do it. I had a miscarriage in between my two girls. I had that miscarriage on my third wedding anniversary. As I went through all the info I had just discovered on the computer I realized that he had been viewing porn for quite some time. Pretty much from the moment we got the computer. But the first stab to my heart was when I discovered that he spent the whole evening and night of our anniversary and the death of my not 1st, but 2nd child to die, looking at pornography.
Looking back on all that has happened, I see that this should have been my very first sign of how porn/sex addiction can make a person. It is a totally and completely self-serving addiction that feeds the ego. And the ego always needs more and more and more. I can look back and see the lengths someone who is addicted will go through to get their sin. I just had NO earthly idea what I was in store for.
That story will continue in future posts but as for today and how we are doing....well, we are afraid. I still don't have a job. We have to be out of our house by May 1st and I try to not be gripped by fear. Monday mornings are absolutely terrible for me. I've been with the kids all weekend and have tried to pour into them and play the roles of mom and dad. Then Monday morning comes and I'm here all alone to think about the reality of what is known as "My life". But last night someone left a comment that was really encouraging. And it was by someone I have never even met. I thank God for people like that because if you follow my blog and are a faithful reader but I don't know you, I would never know how you felt. And it really does help me a lot. I know sometimes God uses other people to encourage us when we need it most.Then this morning I woke up and just heard myself saying "I'm so afraid, I'm just so afraid." When I realized what I was saying I just started saying out loud..."Do not be afraid!" I just said that out loud anytime any other thought crossed my mind that disagreed with that. And wow! It really helped me.
My goal is to just stay focused on this moment right now. Because right now I am healthy, the kids are healthy, we have clothes to wear, food to eat, a car to drive and a roof over our heads. Got to stay focused on the positive. I cannot, under any circumstances give up hope.
We both went and within a matter of weeks we had both given our lives to the Lord and were attending church regularly. I knew about porn in his life when I met him. I am SUCH a black and white person. I guess even way back then that I just assumed that once you got saved, those sinful desires went away. We both immediately wanted to stop cussing, we quit drinking and partying, we totally changed all the friends we hung around. We changed EVERYTHING.....or so I thought.
One thing my mom always, always told me was that if a man will lie to you about something ridiculous you can bank on it that he will lie about the big stuff. We weren't even married yet and these little lies were already apparent. I should have listened to my gut then, however, I think everything happened the way it was supposed to. But anyway, the first time porn showed back up was when my oldest was 15 months old. I accidentally pushed some button on the keyboard of my computer (GOD!!!) and the entire history of any website viewed with the times, links and how much time was spent on each site, was on my computer screen. He later told me that God had been telling him to tell me the truth for weeks but he just couldn't bring himself to do it. I had a miscarriage in between my two girls. I had that miscarriage on my third wedding anniversary. As I went through all the info I had just discovered on the computer I realized that he had been viewing porn for quite some time. Pretty much from the moment we got the computer. But the first stab to my heart was when I discovered that he spent the whole evening and night of our anniversary and the death of my not 1st, but 2nd child to die, looking at pornography.
Looking back on all that has happened, I see that this should have been my very first sign of how porn/sex addiction can make a person. It is a totally and completely self-serving addiction that feeds the ego. And the ego always needs more and more and more. I can look back and see the lengths someone who is addicted will go through to get their sin. I just had NO earthly idea what I was in store for.
That story will continue in future posts but as for today and how we are doing....well, we are afraid. I still don't have a job. We have to be out of our house by May 1st and I try to not be gripped by fear. Monday mornings are absolutely terrible for me. I've been with the kids all weekend and have tried to pour into them and play the roles of mom and dad. Then Monday morning comes and I'm here all alone to think about the reality of what is known as "My life". But last night someone left a comment that was really encouraging. And it was by someone I have never even met. I thank God for people like that because if you follow my blog and are a faithful reader but I don't know you, I would never know how you felt. And it really does help me a lot. I know sometimes God uses other people to encourage us when we need it most.Then this morning I woke up and just heard myself saying "I'm so afraid, I'm just so afraid." When I realized what I was saying I just started saying out loud..."Do not be afraid!" I just said that out loud anytime any other thought crossed my mind that disagreed with that. And wow! It really helped me.
My goal is to just stay focused on this moment right now. Because right now I am healthy, the kids are healthy, we have clothes to wear, food to eat, a car to drive and a roof over our heads. Got to stay focused on the positive. I cannot, under any circumstances give up hope.
Tuesday, March 19, 2013
Feeding my OWN self!!
Well, things have been up and down for us. I'm so very grateful to have such a wonderful support system. I could never thank you enough and you know who you all are!
Please remember us in your prayers. The girls are suffering greatly emotionally. This is very hard for two teenagers and a wife who thought their life was better than anyone else's in regards to their relationship with one another for so, so many years. To say we are all in shock would be a huge understatement.
Although I have such a great support system and we wouldn't make it without their prayers and support, I have realized that "I" am responsible for my life and how the rest of it turns out.
What I'm trying to say is that friends and family can pray, they can encourage, they can visit and so on. But "I" have to make myself get up in the morning and I have to not crawl under the covers and hide from the world until all the dust settles.
I have to pray for us and get into God's word and dig deep until I dig my OWN self out if this pit. I have to force myself to get up and open all the blinds and let in the sunshine!! No one can do this for me. Oh how I wish they could but then I'd just go around this mountain probably a million times over.
Today, what I wrote above is what I did for myself. It took me 3.5 hours to get there but here I sit totally at peace with it all. Below are the verses that are helping me right now. I put them in my phone so I can have them at the ready. I hope they will minister to you as well.
Scriptures
Psalms 147:3
He heals the broken heartened, binding up their wounds.
John 14:18
No, I will not abandon you or leave you as orphans in the storm-I will come to you.
Ecc 10:4
A quiet spirit can overcome even great mistakes.
Psalm 5:8
Lead me in the right path, O Lord...tell me clearly what to do, and show me which way to turn.
Psalm 10:17-18
Lord, you know the hopes of the helpless. Surely you will listen to their cries and comfort them. You will bring justice to the orphans and the oppressed, so people can no longer terrify them.
Psalm 25:4-5
Show me the path where I should walk, O Lord; point out the right road for me to follow. Lead me by your truth and teach me, for you are the God who saves me. All day long I put my hope in you.
Psalm 32:8
I will guide you along the best pathway for your life. I will advise you and watch over you.
Proverbs 20:27
The Lord's light penetrates the human spirit, exposing every hidden motive.
Deuteronomy 31:8
Do not be afraid or discouraged, for the Lord will personally go ahead of you. He will be with you; he will neither fail you nor abandon you.
Psalm 34:19
The righteous face many troubles-but The Lord rescues them from each and every one.
Romans 8:28
And we know that God causes everything to work together for the good of those who love God and are called according to his purpose for them.
Romans 8:37
No, despite all these things, overwhelming victory is ours through Christ, who loved us.
Psalm 55:22
Give your burdens to The Lord,
and he will take care of you. He will not permit the godly to slip and fall.
Matthew 11:28-30
Then Jesus said, “Come to me, all of you who are weary and carry heavy burdens, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you. Let me teach you, because I am humble and gentle at heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy to bear, and the burden I give you is light.”
Isaiah 40:31
But those who trust in the Lord will find new strength.They will soar high on wings like eagles.
They will run and not grow weary.
They will walk and not faint.
Proverbs 3:6
Seek his will in all you do, and he will show you which path to take.
Joshua 1:9
This is my command—be strong and courageous! Do not be afraid or discouraged. For the Lord your God is with you wherever you go.”
1 Peter 5:7
Give all your worries and cares to God, for he cares about you.
Romans 15:13
I pray that God, the source of hope, will fill you completely with joy and peace because you trust in him. Then you will overflow with confident hope through the power of the Holy Spirit.
Ephesians 3:20
Now all glory to God, who is able, through his mighty power at work within us, to accomplish infinitely more than we might ask or think.
Isaiah 26:3
You will keep in perfect peace all who trust in you,all whose thoughts are fixed on you!
Please remember us in your prayers. The girls are suffering greatly emotionally. This is very hard for two teenagers and a wife who thought their life was better than anyone else's in regards to their relationship with one another for so, so many years. To say we are all in shock would be a huge understatement.
Although I have such a great support system and we wouldn't make it without their prayers and support, I have realized that "I" am responsible for my life and how the rest of it turns out.
What I'm trying to say is that friends and family can pray, they can encourage, they can visit and so on. But "I" have to make myself get up in the morning and I have to not crawl under the covers and hide from the world until all the dust settles.
I have to pray for us and get into God's word and dig deep until I dig my OWN self out if this pit. I have to force myself to get up and open all the blinds and let in the sunshine!! No one can do this for me. Oh how I wish they could but then I'd just go around this mountain probably a million times over.
Today, what I wrote above is what I did for myself. It took me 3.5 hours to get there but here I sit totally at peace with it all. Below are the verses that are helping me right now. I put them in my phone so I can have them at the ready. I hope they will minister to you as well.
Scriptures
Psalms 147:3
He heals the broken heartened, binding up their wounds.
John 14:18
No, I will not abandon you or leave you as orphans in the storm-I will come to you.
Ecc 10:4
A quiet spirit can overcome even great mistakes.
Psalm 5:8
Lead me in the right path, O Lord...tell me clearly what to do, and show me which way to turn.
Psalm 10:17-18
Lord, you know the hopes of the helpless. Surely you will listen to their cries and comfort them. You will bring justice to the orphans and the oppressed, so people can no longer terrify them.
Psalm 25:4-5
Show me the path where I should walk, O Lord; point out the right road for me to follow. Lead me by your truth and teach me, for you are the God who saves me. All day long I put my hope in you.
Psalm 32:8
I will guide you along the best pathway for your life. I will advise you and watch over you.
Proverbs 20:27
The Lord's light penetrates the human spirit, exposing every hidden motive.
Deuteronomy 31:8
Do not be afraid or discouraged, for the Lord will personally go ahead of you. He will be with you; he will neither fail you nor abandon you.
Psalm 34:19
The righteous face many troubles-but The Lord rescues them from each and every one.
Romans 8:28
And we know that God causes everything to work together for the good of those who love God and are called according to his purpose for them.
Romans 8:37
No, despite all these things, overwhelming victory is ours through Christ, who loved us.
Psalm 55:22
Give your burdens to The Lord,
and he will take care of you. He will not permit the godly to slip and fall.
Matthew 11:28-30
Then Jesus said, “Come to me, all of you who are weary and carry heavy burdens, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you. Let me teach you, because I am humble and gentle at heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy to bear, and the burden I give you is light.”
Isaiah 40:31
But those who trust in the Lord will find new strength.They will soar high on wings like eagles.
They will run and not grow weary.
They will walk and not faint.
Proverbs 3:6
Seek his will in all you do, and he will show you which path to take.
Joshua 1:9
This is my command—be strong and courageous! Do not be afraid or discouraged. For the Lord your God is with you wherever you go.”
1 Peter 5:7
Give all your worries and cares to God, for he cares about you.
Romans 15:13
I pray that God, the source of hope, will fill you completely with joy and peace because you trust in him. Then you will overflow with confident hope through the power of the Holy Spirit.
Ephesians 3:20
Now all glory to God, who is able, through his mighty power at work within us, to accomplish infinitely more than we might ask or think.
Isaiah 26:3
You will keep in perfect peace all who trust in you,all whose thoughts are fixed on you!
Thursday, February 28, 2013
The Greatest Marriage That Never Was
I was SO happy in this photo. I loved him so very much. We had the best marriage of absolutely anyone we knew. We always said that because it was always true. We never fought. Our kids had never even witnessed us ever have an argument. We talked about everything. We talked so much the kids would literally have to say "Can we talk to you now?" We did everything together. So many couples came to us for advice. Many people over the course of our 18 year marriage would say "If they ever get a divorce, we'll never make it." Perfect. Life was just perfect.
While I had cancer, he was the greatest caretaker. We loved each other more and more which we never thought was possible because we loved one another so much. But little did I know, that "good guy image" was only an image portrayed as the greatest guy around. When the chemo fog started to get a little clearer I started noticing something was totally not right in our marriage. I couldn't put my finger on it but I knew it was really, really bad. I started playing private investigator and it didn't take long to uncover that my greatest friend in the world, my soul mate, my caretaker, was not just taking care of me. The rest of that story can be found at www.sometimesshecries.com
We have spent the last two years "working" on our marriage. We've gone to so many counseling sessions that I lost count. Throughout this time I wanted SO desperately to believe my marriage was NOT going to be destroyed by pornography. No way, it just couldn't!! I so believed and still do believe that I was going to speak to women who have gone through this. I thought we would show the world how we got through it. And if we could get through cancer and this devastation, what an awesome testimony we would be for so many countless other couples!
Unfortunately, two months after I uncovered what was going on, and after we had moved from Texas to Georgia, I went on to discover that it was still going on but to a much greater level than before. Things were happening that I didn't even know existed! All trust was completely gone. Things "seemed" better for a little bit and then it would get worse. We just went on with this awful cycle and I found out it was yet STILL a problem. Needless to say, porn and all that goes with it totally destroyed my marriage and my family. Porn isn't just looking anymore. It takes you to terrible, terrible, terrible places and it is never, ever, ever enough. You literally become a different person. Porn is a spirit of lust. And at its worst can actually be seen on a person. It is so all over them that you know this person is just not the person you know. And it is evident to many others, not just the spouse and children.
I'm sad that this happened but God is showing me that I am still going to touch the lives of many. Even though my marriage didn't survive....I did! My kids did!! So that means I have hope to offer to others.
If you are reading this and you or your spouse has a problem with porn, I beg you to get help. It is not just something that you do that doesn't impact anyone else. It is sin and sin will destroy you. What seems so innocent will take you down roads that you never knew were there. Before long, the person you know and love is so greatly buried deep within a stranger. Don't just be another statistic.
There is so much more to this story and I actually almost did not make it through all of this. Throughout the past two years I fell in a deep dark depression. I too became a person that was unrecognizable to my family and closest friends. But God had other plans for me.
To be continued................
Sunday, February 24, 2013
NEED YOU NOW
I have so many words to say in my blog. My heart is in a million pieces but I know God is going to see me through this time until I can get it out. Blogging is so therapeutic for me. Holding it in is destroying me but getting it out at this time will destroy others. So for now, this song is what I am hanging onto.
Please pray for favor and God's provision for us during this difficult time. As well as God to provide me with the perfect job making exactly what I need and that I will love the job and the people.
Wednesday, December 5, 2012
Having a tough time?
Sometimes as a Christian woman it is hard. Actually, for any Christian...period. I think we as Christians have turned young people and others away from "the church" which in turn makes them doubt all they've ever been taught. In my life alone I have had church experiences that the kids witnessed first hand. Some actually reached out to my girls during a very difficult time. Not to love on them but to find out gossip about what was going on in our lives at the time.
The girls thought these people really and truly cared about them but found out otherwise. We all go to church like we are all okay and we are not. I met with a young lady the other night and I did not know her personally. I shared my story with her first so she could know I could relate to some of the things she is going through. Through that conversation and others I've had this week I just realize that we as Christians have done some real damage to others.
Sure, its nice to go to church and be all smiley, if in fact you really are. And it would irritate others if we went to church down and depressed every week. But what I have said since my diagnosis is that EVERY SINGLE PERSON HAS A STORY. We don't know what someone else is going through and we sure don't come across as a safe person to talk to. Let me stop here and say I am not saying ALL Christians.
My mom grew up pentecostal and her family preached hell, fire and brimstone only! She wasn't near as "religious" as they were. In my generation, I went with the non-denominational type church that wasn't so legalistic and uptight about everything. I just can't stand people who think they are better than you and you know they are standing there talking to you and judging you all at the same time.
Well, my children's generation appear to be very discerning and have the ability to see that going to youth they just go with a bunch of other hypocrites and they ALL have "clicks". This is the message portrayed to our children? Well no wonder they wander off so far away. I myself have been turned off by churches and church people and my husband has never recovered from what someone did to us 5 years ago trying to "help" in the name of God.
We are all human, yes. But I believe the more we are vulnerable and real the more people will be drawn to us. If they look at us and think they see perfection they will never be able to live up to that and might not ever give church or God another shot. I just wish we could all be real with one another.
Speaking for myself, I have realized this week that I am not defined by what or how ANYONE feels about me. My value is found in the God who created me and loves me so much that he gave his only son to die for me. The closer I get to him the more peace I have. Worship is something that gets me to that place. Sometimes when days are hard I look at my watch and tell myself that everything is okay, I just need to make it two more hours, if I do that it will all be fine. If two hours come and I still don't feel that peace I just repeat it. Before long, the more I seek God I am not trying to make it through a couple of minutes or hours. But rather, I am counting how many good days or weeks I am having instead the bad days.
I guess what I'm trying to say is that I encourage everyone young and old to get in a relationship with God himself. Let him reveal himself to you in a fresh new way. Have your own walk with the Lord and not one that belongs someone else. Find your God and learn everything YOU can about him. Rather than doubt all you've ever been taught about him, find him for yourself. God is so faithful. He loves you and cares about you and wants a real relationship with YOU. If you seek him....you WILL find him and your life will never be the same.
The girls thought these people really and truly cared about them but found out otherwise. We all go to church like we are all okay and we are not. I met with a young lady the other night and I did not know her personally. I shared my story with her first so she could know I could relate to some of the things she is going through. Through that conversation and others I've had this week I just realize that we as Christians have done some real damage to others.
Sure, its nice to go to church and be all smiley, if in fact you really are. And it would irritate others if we went to church down and depressed every week. But what I have said since my diagnosis is that EVERY SINGLE PERSON HAS A STORY. We don't know what someone else is going through and we sure don't come across as a safe person to talk to. Let me stop here and say I am not saying ALL Christians.
My mom grew up pentecostal and her family preached hell, fire and brimstone only! She wasn't near as "religious" as they were. In my generation, I went with the non-denominational type church that wasn't so legalistic and uptight about everything. I just can't stand people who think they are better than you and you know they are standing there talking to you and judging you all at the same time.
Well, my children's generation appear to be very discerning and have the ability to see that going to youth they just go with a bunch of other hypocrites and they ALL have "clicks". This is the message portrayed to our children? Well no wonder they wander off so far away. I myself have been turned off by churches and church people and my husband has never recovered from what someone did to us 5 years ago trying to "help" in the name of God.
We are all human, yes. But I believe the more we are vulnerable and real the more people will be drawn to us. If they look at us and think they see perfection they will never be able to live up to that and might not ever give church or God another shot. I just wish we could all be real with one another.
Speaking for myself, I have realized this week that I am not defined by what or how ANYONE feels about me. My value is found in the God who created me and loves me so much that he gave his only son to die for me. The closer I get to him the more peace I have. Worship is something that gets me to that place. Sometimes when days are hard I look at my watch and tell myself that everything is okay, I just need to make it two more hours, if I do that it will all be fine. If two hours come and I still don't feel that peace I just repeat it. Before long, the more I seek God I am not trying to make it through a couple of minutes or hours. But rather, I am counting how many good days or weeks I am having instead the bad days.
I guess what I'm trying to say is that I encourage everyone young and old to get in a relationship with God himself. Let him reveal himself to you in a fresh new way. Have your own walk with the Lord and not one that belongs someone else. Find your God and learn everything YOU can about him. Rather than doubt all you've ever been taught about him, find him for yourself. God is so faithful. He loves you and cares about you and wants a real relationship with YOU. If you seek him....you WILL find him and your life will never be the same.
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