Monday, January 10, 2011


Kelley says...........

Well, it turns out that surviving isn't the cake walk I guess I thought it would be. Let me start out by reassuring you that I am okay. I don't blog as often as I used to. It seems like I blog in a highly emotional state. Whether it be high on life, an aha moment in my life, a really down and scary place, etc. Basically you either get the best of me or the worst. I think if you are a follower of my blog you know I am real to the core. I don't know how to be any other way. So just know that in between blogs, things are usually going pretty well. Things to blog about, moments of inspiration and such just don't come to me on a daily basis. I have to feel them deep within my own being before I am willing to share it with the world. 

This weekend was very tough. I hurt my husband emotionally in a pretty bad way. Something I am definitely not proud of. Saturday was definitely not good in the McElreath household. Things were bad enough that we didn't even go to church. If you know me personally, you know that was pretty bad. This hasn't happened to us in 17 years of being together so it was emotionally draining for all of us. On Sunday as we talked through all of it, I said to Deryl that every single thing that makes me a woman has changed. I thought I would welcome in 2011 and move chapter. It is looking like that just isn't how it works for a breast cancer survivor and maybe not any cancer survivor for that matter.

What makes a woman a woman? Her hair, her nails, her breasts, her sexuality, among many other things. Due to either surgery, chemo or medication all of these things have been altered. And yet again, I can't imagine how my mom went through this with such a horrible husband. She basically went through the emotional side of it alone which continues to break my heart. I had absolutely NO idea. I guess though if you don't experience it yourself how could you know. How can anyone know the thoughts in your own head. No one but God can......NO ONE.

One thing I know for sure is that the enemy is out to kill, steal and destroy. And he will stop at nothing to accomplish it. As women, we already let our thoughts get away from us. And it doesn't take many that get out of hand before we spiral out of control. 

We see things from the lens of our past. I just have to keep reminding myself that if my thoughts are getting crazy, I have to step back and think....what from my past is causing me to think these thoughts about THIS situation? Am I reacting or responding? I don't know if this is helping you at all but it is sure helping me! 

When I think over what brought me to this point, I think it started creeping up when I would think about having to go in for my first 3 month check up.  That is coming up at the end of the month. It is just a reminder that I am a cancer patient. Before cancer, I NEVER had to go to the doctor. The thought of having to go see doctors and have lab work every single time for the rest of my life just doesn't sound appealing. I just don't like it. I so wish that I could just get a prescription and be fine. I'm still at a point where I feel like planning my life isn't in my own hands. But I guess it never was. 

But ultimately, if my blog helps other survivors know that they aren't alone and they can read it and feel "normal", I will have accomplished my mission in life. And in case you weren't aware, I am available for one-on-one support to ANY breast cancer patient you know or ever meet free of charge. I think the more I reach out to help others, the more I myself will heal. 


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