When "Home for the Holidays" isn't an option

Christmas 2013 my husband and I would have been together for twenty years. Yesterday was the first Thanksgiving I have EVER spent without my family. No mom, no dad, no kids, no spouse and no siblings or family whatsoever.

Every Thanksgiving and every Christmas Day, we would all go see a movie. Well, I ended up being without my blood relatives, didn't go see a movie, didn't decorate for Christmas, have not listened to one Christmas song and I did not cook one single thing yesterday. Was it strange? Well....sorta. After all was said and done, I realized that I have raised my children well, I have a couple of my closest friends here in Georgia, and I am creating new traditions. One thing I have always told my girls is that when they are older, they will create their OWN traditions. So many families get it all screwed up and try to carry on someone else's traditions when they get married instead of creating new ones with their new little family. That is where "family" becomes a nuisance and then you find yourself stressing every single holiday rather than enjoying them. I'd rather my children just spend the holidays with their father or in-laws to keep the peace and spend it with me at a different designated time than to just "endure and dread" the holidays.

Life is just funny. It just cannot be predicted. So, you just do the best you can with what you have and hope for the best. I am looking forward to what God has in store for me. I know he has wonderful great NEW beginnings for me AND for my family and friends. I know that HE has an awesome plan for my life and I am excited to see what my future holds.

I hope you all had a wonderful Thanksgiving and enjoyed whatever traditions you enjoy each and every year. And can you EVEN believe that Christmas is only a little over 25 days away?!?!?!?!?

My first guest blogger!!!! So excited for you to read....

I came across a blog and just fell in love with this woman's attitude and perspective. SO reminds me of myself. A strong, tough woman who has probably been through her share of what life tends to throw at you but decided to dust herself off, get up and conquer the world!!

I hope you enjoy it! She is a breast cancer survivor as well. Let me know what you think!!

http://stupiddumbbreastcancer.blogspot.com/2013/11/im-sorry-did-i-order-mastectomy.html 

The attempt before the attempt...Part 2

I sat up and there was total and complete darkness. There was absolutely NO light. I was so afraid but I didn't have time to be frightened. I needed to get to some light. When I moved, I realized I was inside something but had no idea what. I frantically searched for my phone so I would have some light. The phone was no where to be found. I kept thinking to myself that I just HAD to get out of there. I tried to stand up and I felt a bunch of nails dig into my back. I was so afraid that I sat back down and then laid down. I guess I fell back to sleep and I have no idea what happened until I woke up again and the exact same thing happened. This time I felt my pants rip down the side. Again, I laid back down. I'm not sure how much time went by but by the time I woke again, I was determined to get out of this room, this place, no matter what it took to get out. By now I realize I am in a long cardboard box, like a wardrobe box. The way I was in it was like I was in a coffin.

Finally, I decide that I have no other choice but to fight through the pain from the nails and just get myself out of there. I was so confused and so disoriented. I couldn't understand why I was in this room alone in my pajamas. I couldn't understand why I was there alone and why no one was there helping me. I stood up fast and the nails ripped through the back of my shirt and skin. OUCH!!!! My pants leg ripped some more, I fell on my knees several times very hard and now my knee was hurting. I have no idea how but I found a wall and started feeling around in the complete darkness. I felt a light switch, turned it on, then opened the door. I was still at my office in that big, huge house.

Once I saw the light I immediately just went down to the room that was my office and saw my phone. When I picked up my phone, I had over 100 missed calls and text messages!! I was wondering what in the world could possibly be going on?!?!?!?!?! The first text I read was from my mother-in-law and I just quickly replied..."I'm fine". Then, I called my all time greatest breast cancer buddy who had been there for me and my family from the get go. I was just like..."Hey, what in the hell is going on. I've got tons of missed calls and texts, I don't get it". She said, "Kelley, do you know what day it is"? I said, "Yeah, it's Wednesday". She said, "Kelley, it is Thursday and you have been missing for two days. The police are looking for you and they even have your car and license plate number on the signs on the highway as a missing person".

WHAT?!?!?!?!? She tells me not to go anywhere and that she was on the way. My husband calls me and tells me he's coming up there and I said you better not or I will leave right now. I do NOT want to see you AT ALL. So he didn't come.

My friend showed up in minutes. She must have FLOWN down the road to get there. I look in the mirror and my pants are totally ripped and almost my entire leg is exposed. My knee is bleeding and all scratched up and scratches are all over my back. Before she could really even start telling me anything the police show up and an ambulance. We are all sitting there and the lead cop was a COMPLETE jerk. I am explaining to them what happened and that the Ambien I took must have been too much and I must have fallen asleep and then did stuff in my sleep while on the Ambien. Honestly, I was surprised that would happen because I have an extremely high tolerance and to me that just wasn't a whole lot of medicine considering what I had taken several nights in a row to sleep and it was fine although I didn't sleep at all.

It was right about this time that I looked over and saw my friend looking through my make up bag because I had already told her I put all my medication in there the night before. Well, one by one she pulls out each bottle and they are ALL empty. It was at this point that I knew 100% that I must have taken them when I was in my Ambien sleep. It all made sense why I ended up in the attic in a box in a dark room where I couldn't escape. Actually, I was relieved to now understand what had happened. However.....

Everyone in the room now believed that I had tried to commit suicide and was that I was lying about it. This is where I was totally hurt by people I looked up to, admired, trusted, believed in and thought they totally believed in me, church leaders, friends, people who knew me on a very deep level for quite some time. Now, the cop insisted that I go to the hospital to get checked out.

When I got to the hospital, my husband went home and took a nap!!!! How could you do that if your spouse had been missing for two days and potentially somewhere dead and you just find out she is alive and could possibly be messed up from all the medication?!?!? It was then and there that confirmed for me that he had completely changed and I had NO idea who he was anymore or who he had become.

When I got home from the hospital and with some people, to this very day, I was treated as though I had attempted suicide and no one gave me the benefit of the doubt, no one bothered to think about me as a person and my character and all they knew about me as a believer, nothing. I was guilty until proven innocent and put on trial by a group of leaders and their spouses and they sentenced me by shunning and excluding me. I have been hurt by the church many times but never to this level. I mean, I was banned. I couldn't work, I couldn't get on Facebook, I couldn't blog, it was totally as if I had tried to kill myself and this was my punishment. It was as if what they believed was just completely true and I had to comply. Well, that is just not who I am.

I can take a lot from people. But one thing anyone who truly knows about me is that I am honest to a fault. If I am wrong, I'll be the first to admit it. But tell me I am wrong or lying and I am not......It's not pretty. I hate judgement. When you judge another person you just put yourself in a place of superiority to the person you judge. YOU make yourself God. I was sent to a counselor who went and told what I shared with him in sessions to my pastor. And we are talking VERY intimate details I had never shared with another soul in my entire life. All of the sudden, the roles had completely changed and it was like Deryl was the good guy and I was the damn enemy.

There was actually someone who NEVER, EVER spoke to me again because they had just made up their mind that I had attempted suicide. WOW, what an awesome friend, huh? I mean, all I could think to myself was if I had really tried to kill myself, and this is how people were treating me, then these people didn't care about me to begin with. There wasn't anyone reaching out to help but rather to cover things up as quickly as possible, punish, dictate and rule me like a freakin' child.

To go into all the detail on this type of forum just wouldn't be right. But that is enough of the story to get the message across. And I must say that there was ONE friend who stuck by my side the entire time. She knew me just as well as the people....CHRISTIANS....who were treating me like I was 100% guilty. We went to lunch and I let her drill me and ask me anything she wanted. She listened with an open mind and without judgement. She had not already "sentenced" me in her head. She prayed about it before we met, while we were meeting and after. The end result is that she felt God had told her that I told her the truth and now she just had to believe me because she was my close friends and she had to let everything her and anyone else was saying go. We are still friends today. (Thank you Mamma Swig) There are a few people I do talk to on Facebook who were never really in the loop. Well, I'm sure they were in the Christian "I'll pray for you gossip train".

When this happened, I fell into a deep, dark depression. I was diagnosed with Post Traumatic Stress Disorder as well. I was a complete emotional wreck. Some of our deepest hurts come from our parents and people in authority. Check, check and CHECK on those!!

I spent the following close to two years sinking deeper and deeper and I didn't even realize what was happening. My husband was a completely different man than I had known him to be for almost 20 years. He treated me terrible. All of this was what led up to my post titled "I am a suicide survivor".

The attempt before the attempt...Part One

I had just had a chemotherapy treatment. I was tired, I was bald, I was sick of cancer and all that it brought. I wanted to just get out of the house and my husband wanted to go look around at the store so that was perfect. We were walking around and he wants to go look at underwear. Mind you, he had been wearing the same kind of underwear for close to 20 years. He starts looking at these different kinds and my immediate question was why are you looking at those? His response was..."Oh, just thought I'd try something different".

Something in my heart sank. But only briefly because I guess I was in complete denial. I was fighting for my life, having treatments, getting blood drawn every week, surgeries, etc. That was my total focus. When more and more things that just didn't add up started happening, there was just no more denying it.

I finished all my treatments.

Not long after, I felt so strongly in my spirit that something was terribly, terribly wrong.

I questioned him on some of his behavior and he became completely mute. We had a church staff party to go to that day and we did indeed go and he did not speak to me one single time. This was not the kind of marriage we had. This was something that had never, ever before happened. Complete silence. No talking whatsoever, absolutely NO communication AT ALL.

The next morning he told me it was just really frustrating that I was starting to accuse him of things and he proceeded to tell me that it must be because of the chemotherapy and that not having my breasts anymore must make me insecure so I in turn don't trust him. Well, it made perfect sense at the time.

I proceeded to cry and ask for his forgiveness. I went immediately to my computer to write a blog post. I poured out my heart and told the story and how awful I felt for accusing him and even told what had happened the day before and totally praised him for the awesome incredible care taker he appeared to be. I then showed him the blog and asked him to read it before I posted it and he did and said it was really good.

Day after day it became more and more apparent that there was definitely some infidelity going on. I got up in the middle of the night, got his phone and started looking and searching. Because it was a Blackberry, I had no idea how to use it. When I couldn't find anything or really figure it out, I put it back and went back in the living room. I sat on the couch with my elbows on my knees and my face in my hands. I cried out to God and just said why are you letting me discern that something is so wrong but yet not leading me to what it is? At that very moment, I realized that I had looked through all of his e-mails and deleted e-mails but never looked in his trash folder. I went to that folder and my life was completely altered forever.

I had just opened Pandora's box.

I can't explain it though I have tried many, many times. I sat there with stubble on my head from my hair starting to come back in, with scarred up breasts, no nipples, 30 pounds over weight from all the steroids I had been on and shock is the only word I can think of although completely traumatized is probably a better description. I can honestly say that I literally felt something happen in my body. Something, although I do not know for sure what, happened within me that night. I was changed. I was later told that it was PTSD.

I hired a private investigator and was on a mission now to find out what all was going on and more importantly, for how long. I had asked a friend (well, I thought they were a friend) to talk to him about all of this. I told this person that I did not know how I was going to get through this. I was just numb, dumbfounded, totally shocked. That night, he did in fact talk to him. Now keep in mind that from the moment I looked in that trash folder, my knight in shining armor husband turned into someone I had NEVER before seen. I did not know this person. I did not like this person. This person was angry, hostile, mean, cruel, appeared to have not one single ounce of remorse, not one ounce of love for me, he basically did not give a shit about anyone but himself.

Did I mention that I was in complete shock!?!? He came home after having this discussion with my "friend" and didn't say a word. I asked him if he was going to tell me about the conversation and he didn't say one damn word...not one. He just got in bed, turned out the light and went to sleep. I was FURIOUS!!

Since all the suspicion started, I had not been sleeping at all. I already had terrible insomnia and had probably at this point only had about 10 hours sleep in a seven day period. Days before, I had taken an Ambien that didn't work, then another, then another and still could not sleep at all. So, I went in my bathroom, got my make-up bag, scooped any and all medication off the bathroom counter and dropped it in my bag. I grabbed my keys and left my purse and everything else there at the house. I took off and went to my job which happened to be in a large home. I knew I would be alone. I grabbed all the medicine because I was in such a hurry and so mad that I didn't want to have to look through to find the ones I wanted so I just grabbed them all.

I got in my car and I was shaking I was so mad. I immediately thought to myself, I am going to go to work, back my car in the garage so no one knows I'm here, keep my car running, barely crack the windows and be done with this life. And that is what I did. After a minute or so I suddenly became very afraid. I thought to myself what in the hell are you thinking!! You can't leave these kids with this monster that he has become. You can't leave them without their mom like you have endured. I shut off the car and went inside. I couldn't even cry. I wanted to, but I just couldn't. I went and looked in the mirror and just looked at myself and wondered what in the world is happening to me. My life had just been tragedy after tragedy after tragedy and now this? I started talking sense to myself and I realized that I was thinking crazy because I had not had any sleep. I prayed and prayed and sought The Lord. I was so glad he caused me to realize that this was because I was completely exhausted. I just needed sleep.

Since I had taken three Ambien to no avail, I took a Xanax and I think it was 5 Ambien and some Benedryl, I think. I know you probably think that is insane but I went days with absolutely no sleep. I was in a state that I just couldn't and even still can't describe. All I knew was that I just wanted to go to sleep and wake up with a clear head and try to face the new day in the morning. I anticipated that I would wake up very early and go back home and no one would even realize I had been gone.

I crawled under a desk. I know it sounds odd, even crazy, but I curled up in a ball like a child. That was how I felt. I didn't have a mother or a father that I could call. But I could call on God. I asked for forgiveness for even thinking such crazy thoughts and literally begged God to please let me sleep. What happened next is really unknown by anyone.

I think this blog is long enough and it is making me very sad remembering the events that followed. So stay tuned for the rest of the story...

Behind the smile...

Today I just want to push pause on the rest of my story to explain why I think it is so important for me to be open and discuss the topics I have been discussing in my blog. There are SO many people that struggle with depression AND with suicidal thoughts and there is a terrible stigma that goes along with it.

The picture above was at a time in my life when I struggled with suicidal thoughts on a weekly basis. But look how happy I looked!! THIS is one of the MAIN reasons I do what I do with this blog. This is why I am so frank and real in my posts and desire for all my readers to share my blog. Because let me tell you, there are countless others wearing that pretty smile each and every single day but behind that smile,  they deal with very dark thoughts, very REAL thoughts, very scary thoughts.

I feel as though I can't explain this to you and do it any justice but I'll do my best. First, let me just say that I truly believe that the majority of people have thought about suicide at least once or twice in their lives. But usually, it is just a passing, fleeting thought and once some time passes and whatever they were upset about has passed they are totally fine and that is that. This was me for years and years.

I seriously thought about it but honestly, I was 100% sure that I would never, ever actually do it. It is kind of like eating one cookie when you are on a diet but you really want to eat four or five more. You don't because you know you shouldn't but you did still think about it. Once you walk away from the cookies you don't even think about it again at that moment until your are around fresh baked cookies again.

I AM GOING TO WRITE THE REST OF THIS IN ALL CAPS BECAUSE THAT IS HOW SERIOUS...HOW EXTREMELY IMPORTANT WHAT I AM GOING TO SAY IS. FOR YEARS WHEN I MYSELF STRUGGLED WITH SUICIDAL THOUGHTS AND I KNEW I WOULD NEVER DO IT I WAS COMPLETELY IN DENIAL AND A COMPLETE HYPOCRITE WHEN IT CAME TO SUICIDAL PEOPLE WHO ACTUALLY TRIED TO COMMIT SUICIDE. I LOST MY MOM WHEN I WAS 23 AND TO THIS DAY IT JUST TOTALLY SUCKS TO HAVE LIVED MY LIFE WITHOUT MY MOM. I WOULD NEVER, EVER, EVER IN A MILLION YEARS INTENTIONALLY LEAVE MY GIRLS WITHOUT THEIR MOMMA...EVER!!

SO WHEN I HEARD ABOUT SOMEONE WHO HAD ATTEMPTED SUICIDE OR WAS SUCCESSFUL, I AND MANY OTHERS WOULD ALWAYS, ALWAYS, ALWAYS SAY THE EXACT SAME THING.

 "WELL, THAT IS JUST THE MOST SELFISH THING A PERSON COULD DO. THEY JUST TOOK THE EASY WAY OUT"

THEN PEOPLE ACTUALLY GET ANGRY WITH THE SUICIDAL PERSON. LET ME TELL YOU FRANKLY THAT I BELIEVE THERE IS NO TELLING HOW MANY PEOPLE WHO HAD A FAILED ATTEMPT AT SUICIDE AND HAVE GONE ON TO HAVE A SUCCESSFUL ATTEMPT BECAUSE OF THE WAY PEOPLE HAVE TREATED THEM BECAUSE OF THEIR PRIOR ATTEMPT. WHAT I THINK PEOPLE DON'T UNDERSTAND IS HOW FAR DOWN A SPIRAL THE PERSON HAS GONE LONG BEFORE THEY ACTUALLY MAKE THE ATTEMPT. TRUST ME WHEN I SAY THAT NO ONE JUST "WANTS" TO GO AND KILL THEMSELVES. NO ONE!!

WHEN I LOOK BACK ON THE MONTHS LEADING UP TO "THE" DAY, I HONESTLY CAN'T EVEN TELL YOU WHEN I WENT FROM HAVING THOUGHTS ABOUT SUICIDE TO HAVING A "PLAN" TO COMMIT SUICIDE. SO MANY PEOPLE LOOK AT PORN TO DEAL WITH LIFE, PEOPLE DRINK AND DO DRUGS TO COPE, THOSE SAME PEOPLE A LOT OF THE TIME GO ON TO NOT JUST DO THOSE THINGS BUT BECOME COMPLETELY ADDICTED TO THEM AND BECOME SOMEONE UNRECOGNIZABLE TO PEOPLE THEY KNOW AND LOVE. NOTHING DIFFERENT WITH SUICIDAL PEOPLE.

BECAUSE OF HOW SOCIETY TREATS PEOPLE WHO HAVE A SUCCESSFUL OR FAILED ATTEMPT AT SUICIDE, A LOT OF US KEEP THE DEEP DARK SECRET TO OURSELVES. SO WHAT HAPPENS IS THAT YOU SEE EVERYONE OUT THERE AS KIND OF LIKE THE ENEMY. THE FURTHER DOWN THE SPIRAL YOU GET, THE MORE YOU REALIZE THAT YOU JUST CAN'T TELL ANYONE ABOUT IT. I WAS IN COUNSELING FOR TWO YEARS BEFORE MY ATTEMPT. I COULDN'T EVEN TELL THE COUNSELOR. 

MY MISSION IS TO USE MY BLOG TO REACH OUT TO THESE PEOPLE WHO ARE IN THIS PLACE IN THEIR LIVES. I AM ASKING YOU TO PLEASE, PLEASE, PLEASE SHARE THIS POST ON YOUR FACEBOOK WALL, A LINK IN TWITTER, E-MAIL, TEXT, ANY WAY YOU CAN. PLEASE DO THIS FOR ME. YOU COULD SAVE A LIFE AND NEVER EVEN KNOW IT. YOU HAVE NO IDEA WHO IN YOUR FRIENDS LIST COULD BE DEALING WITH THIS RIGHT NOW AT THIS VERY MOMENT. THAT IS WHY I POSTED THE PICTURE OF ME IN THIS POST SO YOU COULD HAVE A PRIME EXAMPLE OF WHAT I AM TALKING ABOUT.  

NOW I WANT TO WRAP UP THIS POST BY SPEAKING DIRECTLY TO ANY OF YOU READING THIS POST THAT IS READING THIS AND RELATING TO EVERY WORD. I AM NOT A COUNSELOR, I AM A LIFE COACH THOUGH. I DON'T HAVE ALL THE ANSWERS, BUT WHAT I DO HAVE IS LIFE-LONG EXPERIENCE WITH THIS. I WILL GO INTO DETAIL IN A LATER POST BUT I WAS ONLY MINUTES FROM DEATH WHEN I ATTEMPTED. I WAS ON LIFE SUPPORT AND NOT EXPECTED AT ALL TO MAKE IT. I FIRMLY BELIEVE GOD SAVED ME SO I CAN IN TURN HELP SAVE YOU, THE VERY PERSON READING THIS. IF YOU GO BACK TO MY POST "I AM A SUICIDE SURVIVOR" MY CONTACT INFO IS AT THE END OF THE POST. I WOULD LOVE TO HEAR FROM YOU. THERE IS HOPE FOR YOU. AND YOU WILL ABSOLUTELY NOT BE "BOTHERING" ME. AND YOU CAN BE TOTALLY ANONYMOUS IF YOU LIKE. 

I HOPE THIS POST HELPS THOSE WHO ARE NOT SUICIDAL AND DON'T STRUGGLE WITH THIS UNDERSTAND A LITTLE BIT MORE AND WILL CONTINUE TO READ MY BLOG FOR AN EVEN GREATER UNDERSTANDING