My gig as a guest blogger for a nerdy pastor...

I met a couple in California and immediately connected with them. We've stayed in contact over the years and they have planted a church. I really admire this man because he isn't your "typical" pastor. He thinks outside of the box, he challenges you, and well, his blog title says it all....

"The Nerd Pastor" Link to Pastor Adam's blog

I have so many new readers of my blog that didn't find me because of the church, or breast cancer, but rather because of my suicide attempt and survival. I was so honored when Pastor Adam asked me to be a guest blogger on his very cool blog. Finally, I can direct my male readers to something they too will find interesting!! You're welcome!!

If you have not followed my story throughout the past few years, this is the perfect blog post for you to read that sums up my entire story. Read this post and you will be all caught up!!

Here is part one of my post on his blog...

This isn’t your typical TNP post.

There’s no movie, tv, sports, or zombie story in it.

There’s no pop culture at all.

But I love stories and this is definitely a story worth sharing.

Carrie and I met Kelley and her (then) husband nearly 5 years ago. This Michigan couple met that Texas couple in California. We were all there as part of an assessment for church planting with an organization called Growing Healthy Churches Network. We became quick friends with them and kept in touch after returning home.

It wasn’t long after that we were introduced to Kelley’s health struggles but what came out over the next few months a years was a life story filled with abuse, betrayal, cancer, addiction, heartache, and somehow…grace.

I’ve asked Kelley to share her story on our blog because I believe in what God has done in and through her and believe that her story needs to be shared.

What you’re about to read is raw and I believe it is best that way.

The story will be published in 2 parts over the next two days.

My prayer is that regardless of your story you can get some hope from Kelley’s.

With that,hit the break for part 1.

Wow Adam, I am so honored that you asked me to be a guest blogger! I’m so glad that you understand and see why it is so important to talk about the things others only think about. The only way we can ever see real change is to bring whatever it is out into then light rather than live in darkness.

My life has been colored with tragedy. As I’ve been pondering and praying for direction on what to post about I realized how many different and wide ranges of people my testimony can help. So, with God’s help, I feel I should just start writing from my heart knowing and trusting that God will speak through me and that I would be able to touch the lives of many through my testimony.

Where it all began (Part one)

I sat on the bed so sad, but had no understanding of why, at such a young age I was this sad for another person. My mom was sitting on the edge of the bed, I was about 3 years old, and I just kept asking “What’s wrong mommy?” This is my earliest memory from my childhood. My mom and dad were getting a divorce. My brother, my sister, and I all lived with my mom in an apartment. Looking back now, I realize that my mom was so deeply hurt and wounded that my dad would leave our family and move in with another woman and her children after 15 years of marriage. Even at such a young age, I had such great respect for my mom. She was a fighter.

After my parents divorced, we would drive out to see my mom’s parents in Oklahoma. Every time we went, my mom’s dad would load us up with a bunch of meat and some vegetables from his garden so we didn’t go hungry. I had a cousin who was a few years older than me. She had three brothers and she was the only girl. So, when we came into town, we would be glued together because we were the only girls. Because of the situation, we ended up always sharing a bed. Unfortunately, this girl had been abused by her father and in turn did the same thing to me. This happened every single time we went to Oklahoma and no one had a clue what was happening to me. It truly amazes me how grown people can witness things and sit idly by without saying a word. 

Every time I had to go see my father, I was alone during the day while he was at work. Well, I was a nosey kid, so I went snooping. I didn’t have to look far to find a bunch of Playboy magazines. As I thumbed through the pages it was like a light went off. Now the divorce all made sense. At that very young age the following was seared into my brain…

“My mom doesn’t look like these girls, she doesn’t dress like these girls, and I’m almost sure she didn’t act like these girls!!” No wonder dad left. When I grow up, I am going to look, dress and act just like the girls in these pictures and my husband will never leave me”

I held that belief in my mind for many, many years. When I started getting attention from older men, I liked it. It felt good to actually be wanted by a man. I never, ever felt “wanted” by my father. By the time I was 15 years old, I went on my first date and had sex that very night for the first time. I was too embarrassed to say no because then he would have known I was a virgin. Just a couple of months later I realized I was in a very bad situation and broke up with him. One week later, I found out I was pregnant. Back then, you just got married, it was the right thing to do. So, I did. The baby was born 12 weeks early and stayed in intensive care for about three weeks then he came home. He died from SIDS when he was four months old. It wasn’t long after that when I found myself desperately trying to escape my dysfunctional marriage. 

Imagine at the precious age of 17 losing your first baby boy. I had NO idea how to cope with this. The only thing that made the pain lessen was when I did drugs. So, that was how I coped. I became not only a drug addict but at the age of 18 years old, I became a stripper. So there I was, doing drugs, drinking, and making all kinds of money. Such a terrible combination for a teenager. I knew I was living my life wrong but couldn’t stop. I did end up going to school and became a nail technician but that didn’t stop me. I just worked a full time job, got off work, went to clean up and change and went straight to the clubs. I woke up the next morning and did it all over again. 

There were many, many mornings where I had spent all night doing drugs and when I saw the sun coming up I realized I had been up ALL night. On those mornings I would say to myself,

“Oh my gosh, not again. I’m out of money, I’m out of drugs, and what am I doing to myself? This is just stupid. I’ve got to stop. But how?  What is it going to take to wake me up?! I really think the only thing that would be bad enough to make me quit is if mom died. What?!?!? What in the hell am I thinking?! I’ve got to stop, I’ve just got to stop.”

This went on for three years just getting worse by the day. I got a call at work and was told my mom had just been diagnosed with breast cancer. To make a very long story a little shorter, she ended up dying from it. As I looked at her in her casket I said out loud to her that I would never, ever touch drugs again, and I didn’t. 

In part 2, the story gets more difficult before it gets better. Come back tomorrow for the rest of the story.

PART 2.....

Yesterday we started a journey with Kelley. Today, we’re going to get current with her story.

Here’s part 2:

Mom passed away in April and in December I met an amazing man. He was a new manager at one of the clubs I worked at. He was so handsome and so sweet and he liked ME. We started hooking up and a friend of mine at the salon asked me if she could pray with me. I said I guess and so she did. I left work and headed for the club but decided I didn’t feel like working that night so I just hung out for a while. Usually, I would have downed who knows how many shots by this point. I had one beer ALL night and no shots. 

Day after day went by and I just kept not wanting to work there. I would walk in and look around and just be mortified that I actually worked with these people. The men were disgusting to me now. I decided one night when I was up there to just sell all the outfits I owned to the girls. I went to my boyfriend and told him that I was going to go visit a church and that I just couldn’t live my life like that a moment longer. 

Long story short again…he came with me, we loved it, he gave his two week notice and he gave his heart to the Lord!!!! We immediately quit cussing, quit smoking, quit drinking, and lastly he moved into a different room and we stopped sleeping together. It was hard but we did it. We got married and had two little girls. Our marriage was wonderful. We never, ever fought or argued in any way. He was my prince charming. He adored me. He was such a great daddy. He rolled out the red carpet for me. He was my very best friend in the whole wide world. 

We were married 16 years when I got the call telling me I had breast cancer just like my mom. He left work and came home immediately. I had several surgeries, chemo, terrible drugs to prevent a recurrence, and more. He was amazing during that time. He took wonderful care of me. I am such a very private person. I remember after my first surgery not being able to wash my super long hair because I couldn’t lift my arms. He got a chair and put it in the bathtub and made me feel totally safe enough to allow him to wash my hair. It was a beautiful time that I’ll never forget. Water poured down my back as tears rolled down my face. I couldn’t even look at him. 

The next several months went on like that and he was fantastic. Funny thing is, I met a man who was a breast cancer survivor and he was also a pastor. The first time he talked with us at length, he told us he counsels people in our situation on a regular basis. He went on to tell us story after story after story of men who had cheated on and abandoned their wives after breast cancer. Well, I sure was relieved that I wasn’t a statistic yet again! Then I finished treatment. 

A month or so after my last treatment, my brain started to get clear a little bit from all the chemo. I noticed something was really, really wrong. I ended up investigating a lot and even hired a private investigator all to find out he had been cheating on me, traveling saying it was business and actually meeting other women, conversing with MANY, MANY, MANY women online and who knows what else. To tell you I had been punched in the gut about 1,000 times over or that I had been stabbed in the heart a million times would be a complete understatement to how I felt. Something literally physically happened in my mind and body. Until this very day I have never been the same. 

It would be impossible for me to tell the rest of this entire story in this blog. So I will wrap it up by just letting you know that I felt as though my life was completely over. I had never been a depressed person but chemotherapy threw me into early menopause and made me extremely depressed. Shortly after all of this, my husband got a job in Atlanta, GA. So, I was really stuck. We all loaded up and went. We just thought this would be a great fresh start. We moved and went to counseling every week for two years. 

One day, I got an e-mail saying he had changed his password. Well, I knew then from this terrible pattern of his that he was right back at it. I sunk into the greatest depression you could ever imagine. BUT, I didn’t realize that I was that bad off. Once I found out for sure that not only was he doing it then but he had been doing the same old things since the very day we arrived in Atlanta, I was done. And when I say done, I mean DONE. 

He took the girls to the mall and I watched out the window until they were gone and then quickly proceeded to end the pain. I asked God to please forgive me for what I was about to do. I told Him how deeply I loved him. I cried out to him telling him how terribly sorry I was that I messed this crazy thing called life totally up. I let Him know that no matter where I ended up, He was my everything.

The rest of my story and all the “details” and missing pieces can be found in my blogwww.feelthetatas.com 

This might seem like a tragic story and yes, I agree that it is. But you know what? God delivered me from cancer and most importantly, he delivered me from myself. I give God ALL the glory. I wrote a post titled “I am a suicide survivor” and let me tell you, countless people I knew and some I had never even met before started contacting me. I gave the world my email address and my own personal cell number. Oh my goodness my heart broke for these people. Some of these people I KNEW personally and knew them very, very well!!!! 

You may be going through some things that seem impossible. They might be weighing you down a bit. You might even have some crazy thoughts in your head. And you might even be thinking that it would sure be a lot easier to just be done, done, and done. I’m here to tell you that YOU are not reading this by accident. You my friend are being “found” by God himself. You can run from God as far as you would like. But He LOVES you. Oh my how He LOVES YOU. He will go to GREAT, GREAT lengths for YOU. 

The greatest advice I can give anyone is to wait it out. Just wait it out. Even though I am so much better now and am not in that depression anymore I still struggle. I hate admitting that, but it is just true. How I get through it is just wait. It’s like a blip on the radar. It’s just a moment in time that is hard. It’s just tough, ya know? But within a short period of time really, it just leaves as quick as it came and there I sit having beat it yet again. And with every time that I conquer it, I win. Then, the reward is that these hard times get further and further apart. When that happens, I can see some light at the end of the tunnel. 

Thank you so much for reading about my life. I feel very blessed and honored. And as always, you can contact me at kelley@feelthetatas.com for any reason. I love being there to walk people through their journey of cancer and even through the tough stuff like depression. I am NOT a counselor in any way, shape or form but I am ME!! I would love to be a listening ear for you even though you will probably be a complete stranger. Sometimes it’s just easier that way. God bless you and don’t forget to “Just Wait”.

For more of Kelley’s story, be sure to check out her blog mentioned above. It has a lot of raw emotion that I think many are afraid to admit or deal with. I’m glad for people like her who are willing to put their own lives out there like this so others will realize they are not the only one.

As C.S. Lewis once wrote: “ Friendship is born at that moment when one man says to another: “What! You too? I thought that no one but myself . . .”"

If this has been similar to your story, you are not alone. 

Thank you, Kelley and thank you to those who took the time to read.

Divorced: The end of an error

Well, almost exactly 12 months after Deryl picked me up from the hospital, dropped me off at our home and never returned, I am officially divorced. 

I did go have a few drinks to celebrate after receiving the news from my attorney. I posted the news on Facebook to which I received many likes from those who know my story and from some who don't know the whole story unless they are a blog follower of course. 

I also got quite a few comments. One comment was from a guy I went to middle school with. He said the post made him sad. Ya know, it makes me sad too. 

Deryl at one time was my Prince Charming, my knight in shining armour, my best friend in the entire world, my protector, the love of my life and most of all, my soul mate. 

During the course of our relationship, we worked at the same job together several times, we had a business together and he worked from home for many years. We couldn't get enough of each other. We hardly ever left each other's side. We loved being together. We could talk for hours and hours. Many, many times the kids would have to interrupt us just to get a word in.

God I loved him. Words will NEVER, EVER, EVER be able to describe the actual physical feeling I felt in my body after being diagnosed with cancer, surgeries, chemo, weekly trips to the doctor for months on end getting poked and prodded, losing my hair and then discovering countless emails, texts, videos, etc of so many women on the computer he had been involved with in one way or another. Then discovering he communicated with complete strangers while I, just weeks after my last treatment, walked the Komen 3 Day while I was still bald. On those very same days he brought the kids to come cheer me on.

I've tried so many times to try to explain what took place in my mind and body that night I found everything out but just can't put it into words. All I know is that something most definitely happened and I've never been the same since. 

I don't expect sympathy. I don't expect understanding and I sure don't want anyone to pity me. 

I just hope that knowing this might give you a glimpse of why I am the way that I am. Why I've done some of the things I've done. To discover someone you knew for many, many years had been living a completely different life while simultaneously treating you like a queen is just indiscribable to say the least. You can only imagine how little trust I have for absolutely anyone. 

I don't know what my future holds for me now. But what I do know is that I'm exactly where God wants me to be. I have so much peace. I have started my own company that is doing very well and since gaining my independence things just started looking up. So many great things have happened to me and I have some hope for my future.

I hope one day I'll be so far removed from my almost successful suicide attempt that it will never again cross my mind. 

My greatest desire is to encourage other breast cancer and suicide survivors. I want to inspire people to keep keepin' on even when all hope seems gone. I want to educate those who judge and have no understanding of what it's like to be suicidal. 

I've had so many people contact me who struggle with wanting to end their lives. I want you to know that I truly thank God for you. Together, we can win...we can get through this. Please know that you aren't alone. Don't listen to the nonsense of others. You are normal, you just deal with life differently than some but definitely not all. I am so proud of all of you who have contacted me. That is such a big step. 

It's wonderful to be able to talk to someone who has been there and knows you aren't a crazy person. 

I have my good days and of course I still have some pretty dark days as well. But those dark days are getting further and further apart. I have discovered that the less I look to the outside for help and the more work I do internally, the stronger I become. 

I believe there is no one outside of myself that can "fix" me. I must take full responsibility for me and press on. Having someone who relates that can be a listening ear, a comfort and offer words of wisdom is invaluable. However, we can ONLY change ourselves. 

Today, I look forward to the future. I pray that if you know anyone that might benefit from the things I have endured that you would share my post/blog with them. It would be awesome if you shared this on your social media platforms as well because believe me, many, many people are struggling greatly and you have no earthly idea. 

Help me get my message out to others. 

Love,

Kelley

The anniversary of my death

One year ago today I tried to take my own life with near success. A mentor of mine asked me how I felt. I said that I feel wonderful. I realized that the old me had to die and the real me has been revealed. 

After living in an extremely toxic environment for several years, I am finally at peace, hopeful, happy and successful in my own right!! I get my oil changed, I've repaired my own vacuum cleaner all by myself, I figure out how to get my car to the mechanic and back when it breaks down, I kill bugs, I go wherever I want whenever I want, I never have to watch television....ever, and I am traveling without any assistance from a man.

For the first time I'm LIVING my life. Living it without fear of the future. Living it with hopes and aspirations. Living in complete honesty with my true self...who I really am at my core.

I'm free. I could not care less what anyone else thinks of me. Although I never really did. LOL!! 

I see clearly that every trauma, every tragedy, every addiction, every relationship, every great and every sucky boss or job developed me into the amazing woman I have become!! There is no amount of schooling that could have taught me the things that I know.

Although I have some physical limitations as I find myself getting older, I adore aging. I hold babies and see so much more than a cute baby. I see LIFE. I see beauty. I see hope and an amazing future for this sweet little life. 

I love challenges and face them head on without fear. I know my tomorrow's will be more and more amazing than the days before. 

I know now more than ever that I have a MIGHTY, MIGHTY purpose. I am sad that I had to nearly lose my life to find it but in finding it I am 100% certain that my life and experiences will be used to help others find and discover their life. 

I'm excited about and completely energized helping others and look forward to the days to come when I witness others overcoming difficulties and discovering who they really, really are then becoming ALL they were destined to become!!!!

The Bah Humbug Virgin

Firsts..............Funny, when we think of "firsts" I bet we don't think of the same type of things. When I reminisce about firsts, I think when my four month old son died and I held him while he was dead. When the doctor handed him to me, his head totally fell completely lifeless into the crook of my arm. That was on November 5th, 1986. I didn't get to spend his 1st Thanksgiving with him. There were no "first" Santa pictures. No first Christmas.

I vividly remember my first Mother's Day and my first of MANY things after that event. My mom passed away in the month of April. I remember Mother's Day being shortly after. That first Mother's Day without my mom was so hard. Then it was just more and more firsts without these two most precious people in my life.This year I spent my first Thanksgiving in 20 years without my husband.

I have enjoyed Christmas music for as long as I can remember. I'm one of those who starts listening after Halloween is over. I have my own cd's, my own special playlists of Christian Christmas music, rock Christmas and easy listening and fun...I LOVE IT!!

I don't think I have ever had a "Bah Humbug" or "Scrooge" attitude at Christmastime. But this year I have not listened to one Christmas song...by choice. It just makes me sad. But luckily, the sadness doesn't last long. I've had to learn to really look for the positive this season. Like all the great firsts I have had since my marriage breakdown. I am living in an awesome apartment with the girls for the first time. We cooked our first meal in the house all together. It's our first Christmas to not have a tree but my oldest found the coolest tree idea on Pinterest. So, I'll just keep focusing on the good and try not to have a scrooge attitude!!

Merry Christmas!!

When "Home for the Holidays" isn't an option

Christmas 2013 my husband and I would have been together for twenty years. Yesterday was the first Thanksgiving I have EVER spent without my family. No mom, no dad, no kids, no spouse and no siblings or family whatsoever.

Every Thanksgiving and every Christmas Day, we would all go see a movie. Well, I ended up being without my blood relatives, didn't go see a movie, didn't decorate for Christmas, have not listened to one Christmas song and I did not cook one single thing yesterday. Was it strange? Well....sorta. After all was said and done, I realized that I have raised my children well, I have a couple of my closest friends here in Georgia, and I am creating new traditions. One thing I have always told my girls is that when they are older, they will create their OWN traditions. So many families get it all screwed up and try to carry on someone else's traditions when they get married instead of creating new ones with their new little family. That is where "family" becomes a nuisance and then you find yourself stressing every single holiday rather than enjoying them. I'd rather my children just spend the holidays with their father or in-laws to keep the peace and spend it with me at a different designated time than to just "endure and dread" the holidays.

Life is just funny. It just cannot be predicted. So, you just do the best you can with what you have and hope for the best. I am looking forward to what God has in store for me. I know he has wonderful great NEW beginnings for me AND for my family and friends. I know that HE has an awesome plan for my life and I am excited to see what my future holds.

I hope you all had a wonderful Thanksgiving and enjoyed whatever traditions you enjoy each and every year. And can you EVEN believe that Christmas is only a little over 25 days away?!?!?!?!?

My first guest blogger!!!! So excited for you to read....

I came across a blog and just fell in love with this woman's attitude and perspective. SO reminds me of myself. A strong, tough woman who has probably been through her share of what life tends to throw at you but decided to dust herself off, get up and conquer the world!!

I hope you enjoy it! She is a breast cancer survivor as well. Let me know what you think!!

http://stupiddumbbreastcancer.blogspot.com/2013/11/im-sorry-did-i-order-mastectomy.html 

The attempt before the attempt...Part 2

I sat up and there was total and complete darkness. There was absolutely NO light. I was so afraid but I didn't have time to be frightened. I needed to get to some light. When I moved, I realized I was inside something but had no idea what. I frantically searched for my phone so I would have some light. The phone was no where to be found. I kept thinking to myself that I just HAD to get out of there. I tried to stand up and I felt a bunch of nails dig into my back. I was so afraid that I sat back down and then laid down. I guess I fell back to sleep and I have no idea what happened until I woke up again and the exact same thing happened. This time I felt my pants rip down the side. Again, I laid back down. I'm not sure how much time went by but by the time I woke again, I was determined to get out of this room, this place, no matter what it took to get out. By now I realize I am in a long cardboard box, like a wardrobe box. The way I was in it was like I was in a coffin.

Finally, I decide that I have no other choice but to fight through the pain from the nails and just get myself out of there. I was so confused and so disoriented. I couldn't understand why I was in this room alone in my pajamas. I couldn't understand why I was there alone and why no one was there helping me. I stood up fast and the nails ripped through the back of my shirt and skin. OUCH!!!! My pants leg ripped some more, I fell on my knees several times very hard and now my knee was hurting. I have no idea how but I found a wall and started feeling around in the complete darkness. I felt a light switch, turned it on, then opened the door. I was still at my office in that big, huge house.

Once I saw the light I immediately just went down to the room that was my office and saw my phone. When I picked up my phone, I had over 100 missed calls and text messages!! I was wondering what in the world could possibly be going on?!?!?!?!?! The first text I read was from my mother-in-law and I just quickly replied..."I'm fine". Then, I called my all time greatest breast cancer buddy who had been there for me and my family from the get go. I was just like..."Hey, what in the hell is going on. I've got tons of missed calls and texts, I don't get it". She said, "Kelley, do you know what day it is"? I said, "Yeah, it's Wednesday". She said, "Kelley, it is Thursday and you have been missing for two days. The police are looking for you and they even have your car and license plate number on the signs on the highway as a missing person".

WHAT?!?!?!?!? She tells me not to go anywhere and that she was on the way. My husband calls me and tells me he's coming up there and I said you better not or I will leave right now. I do NOT want to see you AT ALL. So he didn't come.

My friend showed up in minutes. She must have FLOWN down the road to get there. I look in the mirror and my pants are totally ripped and almost my entire leg is exposed. My knee is bleeding and all scratched up and scratches are all over my back. Before she could really even start telling me anything the police show up and an ambulance. We are all sitting there and the lead cop was a COMPLETE jerk. I am explaining to them what happened and that the Ambien I took must have been too much and I must have fallen asleep and then did stuff in my sleep while on the Ambien. Honestly, I was surprised that would happen because I have an extremely high tolerance and to me that just wasn't a whole lot of medicine considering what I had taken several nights in a row to sleep and it was fine although I didn't sleep at all.

It was right about this time that I looked over and saw my friend looking through my make up bag because I had already told her I put all my medication in there the night before. Well, one by one she pulls out each bottle and they are ALL empty. It was at this point that I knew 100% that I must have taken them when I was in my Ambien sleep. It all made sense why I ended up in the attic in a box in a dark room where I couldn't escape. Actually, I was relieved to now understand what had happened. However.....

Everyone in the room now believed that I had tried to commit suicide and was that I was lying about it. This is where I was totally hurt by people I looked up to, admired, trusted, believed in and thought they totally believed in me, church leaders, friends, people who knew me on a very deep level for quite some time. Now, the cop insisted that I go to the hospital to get checked out.

When I got to the hospital, my husband went home and took a nap!!!! How could you do that if your spouse had been missing for two days and potentially somewhere dead and you just find out she is alive and could possibly be messed up from all the medication?!?!? It was then and there that confirmed for me that he had completely changed and I had NO idea who he was anymore or who he had become.

When I got home from the hospital and with some people, to this very day, I was treated as though I had attempted suicide and no one gave me the benefit of the doubt, no one bothered to think about me as a person and my character and all they knew about me as a believer, nothing. I was guilty until proven innocent and put on trial by a group of leaders and their spouses and they sentenced me by shunning and excluding me. I have been hurt by the church many times but never to this level. I mean, I was banned. I couldn't work, I couldn't get on Facebook, I couldn't blog, it was totally as if I had tried to kill myself and this was my punishment. It was as if what they believed was just completely true and I had to comply. Well, that is just not who I am.

I can take a lot from people. But one thing anyone who truly knows about me is that I am honest to a fault. If I am wrong, I'll be the first to admit it. But tell me I am wrong or lying and I am not......It's not pretty. I hate judgement. When you judge another person you just put yourself in a place of superiority to the person you judge. YOU make yourself God. I was sent to a counselor who went and told what I shared with him in sessions to my pastor. And we are talking VERY intimate details I had never shared with another soul in my entire life. All of the sudden, the roles had completely changed and it was like Deryl was the good guy and I was the damn enemy.

There was actually someone who NEVER, EVER spoke to me again because they had just made up their mind that I had attempted suicide. WOW, what an awesome friend, huh? I mean, all I could think to myself was if I had really tried to kill myself, and this is how people were treating me, then these people didn't care about me to begin with. There wasn't anyone reaching out to help but rather to cover things up as quickly as possible, punish, dictate and rule me like a freakin' child.

To go into all the detail on this type of forum just wouldn't be right. But that is enough of the story to get the message across. And I must say that there was ONE friend who stuck by my side the entire time. She knew me just as well as the people....CHRISTIANS....who were treating me like I was 100% guilty. We went to lunch and I let her drill me and ask me anything she wanted. She listened with an open mind and without judgement. She had not already "sentenced" me in her head. She prayed about it before we met, while we were meeting and after. The end result is that she felt God had told her that I told her the truth and now she just had to believe me because she was my close friends and she had to let everything her and anyone else was saying go. We are still friends today. (Thank you Mamma Swig) There are a few people I do talk to on Facebook who were never really in the loop. Well, I'm sure they were in the Christian "I'll pray for you gossip train".

When this happened, I fell into a deep, dark depression. I was diagnosed with Post Traumatic Stress Disorder as well. I was a complete emotional wreck. Some of our deepest hurts come from our parents and people in authority. Check, check and CHECK on those!!

I spent the following close to two years sinking deeper and deeper and I didn't even realize what was happening. My husband was a completely different man than I had known him to be for almost 20 years. He treated me terrible. All of this was what led up to my post titled "I am a suicide survivor".